Jokes to start the weekend with...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by victoria, Jul 10, 2009.

  1. victoria

    victoria New Member


    A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a 3 year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No."

    The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly,
    "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

    Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she cried even louder and harder. The mother said,
    "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only 2 more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

    When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely,
    "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

    The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.
    "I couldn't help noticing how wonderfully patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother interrupted, saying,

    "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."


    A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.
    "Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

    There was a moment of silence before the woman continued,

    "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is?
    This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"


    A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

    "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

    "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

    "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

    The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

    A couple driving by slows down to watch.

    "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking....
    Look at the test they're giving NOW!"

    (Actually here in the cities in Mexico, we often see fire jugglers performing at stoplights performing for extra pesos, especially at night... & they often do it while standing on a box so more people can see them)


    This last one is actually true, published yesterday by Reuters. I could never apply because I'm terribly allergic to cats, darnit!

    LONDON (Reuters) – Fancy 80,000 dollars a year on a stress-free job with flexible working hours and no need to wear a suit?

    Well, grab your black pointy hat, take out that rusty black hessian drape from the back of the wardrobe and refresh your memory on how to turn your grumpy neighbor into a mouse. Somerset tourist attraction Wookey Hole caves is advertising for a "witch" and has already received 100 applicants since the beginning of the week.

    Legend has it that the caves, near Wells, were home to the Wookey Witch who was turned to stone by the medieval Abbott of Glastonbury to rid villagers of her curse.

    The vacancy has arisen because the previous incumbent has retired.

    The successful candidate, who will be living in a "spacious" cave, has to cackle, not be allergic to cats and will be asked to perform "a range of tasks" including magic at an open audition scheduled for July 28.

    But the appointee need not be scary.

    "We want a friendly witch with a devilish element," said Gayle Pennington, marketing assistant at the caves said on Wednesday.

    "We're a family attractions place so we don't want to frighten the children."

    In keeping with modern times, the role is open to men, women and trans-gender witches to comply with sexual discrimination laws.

    [This Message was Edited on 07/10/2009]
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Glad to see you and your jokes are back.

    Look how far civilization has come. Only a couple centuries ago the
    authorities were executing people suspected of witchcraft.

    Here's an old joke.

    Dr. to witch: Take these pills. Tomorrow you should be able to get
    up for a spell.

  3. victoria

    victoria New Member

    I can always count on you for wordplays Rock...

    here's another:

    What happened to the naughty little witch at school?
    She was ex-spelled.
  4. JimB51

    JimB51 Member

    oooh you guys !!
    No Refills? .... Transgender witches? ... ex-spelled ???

    STOP IT ! STOP IT !!! (at least "for a spell") (lol)
    Jim : )
    [This Message was Edited on 07/10/2009]
  5. Pippi1313

    Pippi1313 New Member

    I ended my weekend with your jokes, instead of starting it with them

    Thanks for the chuckle!