Jokes - Vol. 2

Discussion in 'Homebound/Bedbound' started by gb66, Nov 22, 2015.

  1. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    I found these on a previous thread that we did a long while back, called 'More Silly Stuff'. It is indeed! :)

    A Little Doctor Humor:

    A man goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass of Home!"

    Well, you must have Tom Jones Syndrome. (TJS).

    Is it common?

    Well, "It's Not Unusual".

    (Badda Bing)
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  2. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    Who Married Who? (Or is it whom?)

    If Ginger Rogers had married Sgt. Pepper, she'd be Ginger Pepper.

    If Poppy Montgomery had married W.C. Fields, she'd be Poppy Fields.

    If Carrie Underwood had married Jack Oakie, she'd be Carrie Oakie.

    If Belle Starr had married Timothy Bottoms, she'd be Belle Bottoms.

    If Faith Hill had married Bob Hope, she'd be Faith Hope.

    If Sandy Duncan had married Pauly Shore, she'd be Sandy Shore.
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2015
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  3. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    Actual Newspaper Headlines

    Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious

    • If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
    • War dims hope for peace
    • Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
    • Cold wave linked to temperatures
    • Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
    Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

    • Never withhold herpes from loved one
    • Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
    • Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
    Grammar often botches other headlines

    • Eye drops off shelf
    • Squad helps dog bite victim
    • Dealers will hear car talk at noon
    • Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
    • Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
    Some are just slips of the tongue

    • Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
    • Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
    • Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
    • House passes gas tax onto senate
    • Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
    • Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
    • William Kelly was fed secretary
    • Milk drinkers are turning to powder
    • Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
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  4. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi Willow

    Love the goofy headlines. They have a lot of those on Yahoo. I've
    seen several that refer to shooting dead people. For example:

    Thief Shoots Dead Man in Presence of His Family.
    Military Policewoman Shoots Dead Diplomat in Washington.
    Security Guard Shoots Dead Outraged Shopkeeper.

    With regard to cows, did you know there are numerous animals
    that kill more people than sharks? One of them is cows. Others
    are Bees, Deer and Spiders. The worst is the mosquito which spreads
    malaria.

    I've looked for some Thanksgiving jokes. All the ones I found were kinda
    lame. I guess the best was: What does a turkey say to a turkey hunter?
    Answer: Quack, quack.

    Gotta go. Going to Penney's to buy some bedroom slippers. I found
    out a few years ago that most department stores only have mens'
    slippers in stock during the Christmas season.

    Oh yeah, My favorite joke in the "married pair" category is:
    If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Elevader.

    Rock


    Back from the Glendale mall. Bought some slippers. Stopped at Mary
    Sees for candy. When I moved to California in the 60s, a pound of
    Mary Sees cost $1.70. I think it's about $10 now. But gasoline was
    about 35 cents. It's gone up a lot more.


    Oh yeah, did you see the computer headlines today? The Turks
    shot two dead pilots and a neighbor shot a dead couple in
    Ohio.
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2015
  5. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    Just saw this on FB.

    A lady asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

    She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not!

    BaddaBing!
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2016
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  6. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    [​IMG] upload_2015-11-30_6-12-48.png
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  7. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi GB, I love that joke about the librarian and the physicists. Good to
    have you back, Willow.

    Here are some ads that purportedly were actually published. There are
    a whole bunch. Maybe we'll need multiple volumes.

    Free one can of pork and beans with purchase of three bedroom, two bath home.

    [​IMG]
    American flag, 60 stars. Pole included $100.

    [​IMG]
    Amana washer, $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

    [​IMG]
    Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.

    [​IMG]
    Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
    Wanted: Used paint.

    [​IMG]
    Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled, $700.

    [​IMG]
    1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.

    [​IMG]
    Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

    [​IMG]

    Well, the cut and paste mechanism no workee so well. Most of the jokes didn't post.
    OK, you can try going here and reading same on your own. Good luck.

    Oops! That doesn't work either. The URL won't post. I guess the folks who operate
    the site want you to read the jokes at their place. Kinda like a library where you
    can read the books but not take them home. Alrighty, we'll try something else.


    Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
    The stewardess stops them and says "Sorry Sir; only one carrion per
    passenger."

    Adam met Eve felt very sorry after they were expelled from the
    Garden of Eden. They turned over a new leaf.

    Joke from the old West:
    Get off the cook stove, grandpa. You're too old to ride the range.

    Don't say this to the boss, even if it's true:
    Of course I don't look busy ...I did it right the first time.

    Now the font is funny. Which would you rather have. A funny font
    or a funny Valentine? (I didn't get to choose.)

    Rock




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  8. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Remember Tom Swifty jokes? The pun is at the end, usually in an adverb.

    "Nay" said Tom hoarsely.

    "I guess my lobotomy went well," Tom said absentmindedly.

    "I think it's perfectly normal to talk to fir trees", Tom opined.

    "This instrument has reeds, but it's played with a keyboard,"
    Tom said accordingly.

    "Looks like someone removed all the twos from this deck," Tom deduced.

    "And so we start another week at the office," Tom said mundanely.

    "Is there any more sand paper?" Tom asked roughly.

    "It's time to end this charade," Tom said finally.

    Rock
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  9. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

    [​IMG]
    After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

    Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

    I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

    Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

    After that I worked in a blanket factory, but it folded.

    Then, I tried working at cheap hotels, but they just didn't
    pay the rent.

    Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

    After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

    My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

    I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

    My last job was working at Starbucks, but I quit because it was always the same old grind.

    SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
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  10. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member


    Hi Kids

    Here are some jokes about musicians and their instruments. I love
    these. Possibly because I played the flute in the High School Band for
    years and was hopelessly incompetent. Ditto for my years as
    a church organist. But I was better at the keyboard. Incompetent,
    yes, but not hopelessly incompetent.

    How do you get two flute players to play in unison?
    Answer: shoot one.


    What do you call a banjo player with half a brain?
    Gifted.


    Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other,
    "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
    The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

    Q: What do all great pianists have in common? A: They are all dead.

    You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a
    good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions? You might as well
    try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.

    Q: How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
    A: He can't swing and he complains about the slide.
    What is a gentleman? Somebody who knows how to play the
    trombone, but doesn't.
    Sign on the rehearsal room door:
    Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.

    And finally an actual bit of musical history: Mozart
    wrote a piece called A Musical Joke. (Ein musikalischer Spaß.)
    I'd post it here, but the entire piece is 20 minutes long. Even
    an excerpt is 4 minutes. You can find it on Youtube. I guess
    you have to be a musician to appreciate the humor. Just
    sounds like typical Mozart to me.

    Rock [​IMG]


    [​IMG]
  11. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    This isn't a joke really but a Christmas card that we received a long time ago but I really thought was cute. It took me since Thanksgiving to get the scanning software on my new printer to work but I finally got it going no thanks to Windows 10.

    [​IMG]
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  12. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi Willow, Glad to hear you got the printer to work. I don't know how
    to use ours.


    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]

    Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.
    The salesgirl asked him:-
    'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'


    [​IMG]

    Did you see the news about Santa's elves? They are finally going to
    school. Their first project is to learn the elf-abet.


    The 3 stages of man:
    He believes in Santa Claus.
    He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
    He is Santa Claus.


    Hey! That reminds me. I played Santa Claus. The first time was when I
    was in 4th grade. It was 1949 and Gene Autry's recording of Rudolph the
    Red Nosed Reindeer was the number one hit. Sold millions. Anyhoo
    I had a Santa Suit and a corncob pipe. When I puffed on it, smoke came
    out. It was actually flour. Even in those primitive times folks knew
    about special effects.

    The second time was for the Sons of Norway Christmas Festival when
    I was about 60 years older. I passed out presents to the kids.


    God Jul!
    Rock
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  13. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Thanks for the smiles.

    Joyeux Noel

    Love, Mikie
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  14. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi Kids
    Here's a little seasonal humor.


    Q. How many letters are there in the Christmas alphabet?
    A. Just 25. ( No "L".)

    Q. Where would a reindeer go if he lost his tail?
    A. A retail store.

    Q. What is the name of a toymaker who sings "Blue Christmas"?
    A. Elf-is.


    A real family's Christmas card photo.

    [​IMG]
    And a follow up to Willow's post. (Couldn't find a bigger image.)

    Rock
    [​IMG]
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  15. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member


    A new year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the
    other.


    [​IMG]

    Here's a joke reportedly written by a computer: “I like my coffee
    like I like my war: cold.”

    Not too funny, huh? According to the report, the people working on
    computer generated humor found that 16% of the jokes were
    considered funny by the (human) judges.

    Somebody said that puns are the lowest form of humor. I don't
    know why. Many of them are very clever. And they were
    good enough for Shakespeare who said, for example: Now is
    this winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this
    son of York.

    Anyhoo, try these:

    A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon
    realized that toucan play at that game.

    I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but
    eventually it came back to me.

    So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end
    of the world!

    Rock


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  16. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    A few more jokes to brighten our drab lives.

    There's a special place in Hull reserved for the inventor of autocorrect.

    And here are some test questions to determine if you are a hillbillie.

    Do you keep a can of Raid on your kitchen table?
    Do you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap?
    Did your Momma tear her best dress while coon huntin'?

    And here's a little quiz on medical matters.Two patients limp into a
    clinic with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and
    appear to require a hip replacement.

    The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day
    and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

    The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment,
    then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which
    isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled
    for a year from then.
    Now, the Question: Why the different treatment for the two patients?
    Answer: The first is a Golden Retriever; the second is a Senior Citizen.
    That last joke BTW is from Canada.


    Rock