Jokes

Discussion in 'Homebound/Bedbound' started by Willow77, Nov 3, 2015.

  1. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi Willow, nice to hear from you. The kids in that class sound much
    brighter than my classmates and I.

    I think it was in 5th grade we studied state Capitals. Asked to name
    the capital of Minnesota, Pauline smiled and said, "Oh, that's easy.
    '"M".

    Here's an old kids' joke from the days of my yute. Mr and Mrs
    Potato Head are getting a divorce. They no longer see eye to eye.

    And here's a joke for grown-ups. A jumper cable walked into a
    bar. The bartender eyed him carefully and said, "OK, you can
    come in, but don't start anything."

    And now, having retired from working at various large and mid-
    sized corporations, I can tell you the biggest obstacle to
    productivity in this country: Meetings.

    Rock


  3. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    I was a day dreamer and didn't pay much attention in school unless it was a subject I liked. Therefore I was always seated near the front as far from the window as possible. So the teacher could keep an eye on me and try to keep me focused on work. I enjoyed the less structured kinds of classes where we could get up and move around and would get in big circles and discuss what the teacher was trying to get across.


    Anyone else have any they can post. please keep them coming
  4. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    These are an example from the " " website.

    My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    I have to go back to get the name of the website, I already forgot it.

    Okay I got it "The Joke Warehouse"
  5. hangininthere

    hangininthere Well-Known Member

    Hi All.

    I daydreamed through school too. In fact, I've daydreamed through my entire life. When the cashier apologized to me for the long wait the other day, I cheerily replied "That's alright, I was busy daydreaming and didn't even notice!"

    My fave corny riddle is this one that the kids were reading out of their kids' riddle book. I got to laughing and couldn't stop.

    Q. Why did the lettuce blush?

    A. Because it saw the salad dressing.


    This first of some of my favorite memes below is about the end of summer/daylight savings time.

    daylightsavingstime2.jpg





    bodynope2.jpg bettermemory2.jpg


    coffeecup2.jpg

    phonegrandma2.jpg

    coffeespill2.jpg

    organizechores2.jpg
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  6. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi Patti
    Good to see you. I especially like the Grandma!-phone cartoon. My
    mother was a big fan of crabby Maxine. My own view was that one
    difficult old lady around the house was more than sufficient.

    And for those who like Upun My Word humor, how about these?

    What do you get if you cross a fish with an elephant?
    Swimming trunks.

    I donated blood. Got a card from the blood bank saying that my
    blood type was A. Later turned out that was a type O.

    The college cancelled the class on communism. Too many students
    got poor Marx.

    And here is a pun I posted on the porch. The longest pun I've ever
    seen.

    "Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an
    impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
    and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused
    fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."

    Rock
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  7. bct

    bct Active Member

    Time flies like an arrow.
    Fruit flies like a banana. :rolleyes:
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  8. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

    A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a mop!"

    Irish guy walks into a bar with a beautifully colored parrot on his shoulder. "Wow, says the barternder, where did you get that! From Ireland, says the parrot, they've got tons of them there!

    Dear Math, "I'm not a therapist, solve your own problems!"

    Dear Algebra, "Stop looking for your 'x', he's not coming back. (And don't ask 'y').
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2015
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  9. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    Q: What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?
    A: "Put it on my bill."
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  10. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi Willow, Reminds me of the old joke for kids. What time do ducks get up?
    Answer: At the quack of dawn.

    GB, I always thought OCD should be COD. That way you'd have an
    acronym.


    Barry, I was reading about the fruit fly joke recently. It is often
    attributed to Groucho Marx, but the writer said he couldn't find any
    reliable source confirming same.

    Here are some Steven Wright observations. Steven is the most mournful
    comedian I ever saw. He said he's seen quotes attributed to him that
    he never said. Most of them were terrible. But some he wished he'd
    thought of himself. Anyoo he has a gift for looking at things with a
    new perspective.

    I've made arrangements to donate my body to science fiction.

    I'm in trouble. My eyeglasses prescription just ran out.

    I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

    I asked the clerk in the bookstore where to find the self-help section.
    He said if he told me it would defeat the purpose.

    What's another word for thesaurus?

    I seem to have amnesia and deja vu simultaneously. I think
    I've forgotten this before.

    Rock
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2015
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  11. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
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  12. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    [​IMG]
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  13. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Nice cartoons, Willow. Here are some from the 50s. The first one
    is from 1959 when big tail fins were considered highly desirable.
    The caption is: How's the new car?



    [​IMG]


    The caption on the second cartoon is
    "Hope you'll excuse the service, sir.
    One of our men is home sick."


    [​IMG]


    [​IMG]

    The last caption is:
    “Oh, I just rented Judy to a lady who wanted to get a seat on the bus.”

    When I was a kid I wanted to be a cowboy. Now I'd rather be a cartoonist.
    It pays better, and you probably won't have a horse step on your foot.

    Rock

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  14. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    Rock those older one's struck me as really funny. I used to get jokes in my email everyday but the site went out of business. It was clean jokes everyday.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
    This was an actual test that a child took. His mother posted it.​
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2015
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  15. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Willow, That 6 year old boy drew a better picture of a guy thinking than
    I would have. Here are some puns and observations.

    Dijon vu. Same mustard as before.

    Do you find the name Pavlov rings a bell?

    After you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

    America: where anybody can become President. Just look at who's running.

    We should all pay our taxes with a smile. (Doesn't work though. They
    want money.)

    If there is no light at the end of the tunnel, it's not really a tunnel. (This
    one is clever, but not necessarily true. What if it's nighttime?)

    Rock
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2015
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  16. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    I spent a lot of time in church as a child and the first thing I would do is read the announcements so some of these really tickled me.
    Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins
    • Coming Up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.
    • All singles are invited to join us Friday at 7 p.m. for the annula Christmas Sing-alone."
    • Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
    • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.
    • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    • The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
    • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
    • Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
    • Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
    • Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
    • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
    • The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
    • Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
    • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
    • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
    • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" – come early and listen to our choir practice.
    • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
    • Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
    • "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
    • The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
    • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
    • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
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  17. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    Willow, Those are really funny. Gave me a lot of laughs. Thanks. GB
  18. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

  19. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the URL, Willow. Great pics.

    And now, for a change of pace, we turn to:
    Spoonerisms. Named after the Rev. William Archibald Spooner.
    Rev. Spooner tended to transpose the consonants at the beginning
    of words.

    Wikipedia says he probably didn't say all the quotes attributed to him.
    Kinda like Sam Goldwyn or Yogi Barra or Steven Wright.

    Perhaps Spooner's most famous transposition was the title of the
    hymn The Conquering Kings Their Titles Take to The Kinkering Congs
    Their Titles Take.

    Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride? Is it customary to kiss the bride?
    I have in my bosom a half-warmed fish. I have in my bosom a half-formed wish.

    You can work out the rest of them.
    Hen of tarts
    belly jeans
    I have been chewing the doors.

    Do you like to eat parrots and keys?
    Is the bean dizzy?
    And finally a nursery rhyme which has been spoonerized.

    Little Muss Miffet


    Tat on a siffet,
    Eating her words and kay.
    A-spong came a lider,
    And bat sown beside her,
    And whitened Muss Miffet affray.

    Or:
    The Pro Health Board is such a treat.
    We gather here our friends to meet.
    And apple-like it keeps at bay
    The blues that sometimes cloud our day.

    The Pro Heath Board is touch a seat.
    We gather here our mends to feet.
    And apple-like it beeps at kay
    The blues that sometimes dowd our clay.

    Rock
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  20. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    Very Clever Rock, You should write a book! GB