Jubi Going to worship Board- future( Been mad at God ) 01/03/05 07:29 PM I think I talk too much about God for this board and that the worship is better siuted for me , Trying to encourage myself and others conserning God, BUT I don't want to upset or hurt people as I have . the last couple months comming off effexor and my pain along with many losses I have incured this year , I dont mean to offend . I, try to encourage myself and others in the Lord, as my manner is , but I also as of late have found myself very angry with God and maybe I wouldnt want to hear about "God" either at a perticular time. . So I also understand being incredibly angry at God and I am outspoken with" Him " about it myself. You just can't keep any secrets from him , and I will be honest with you as well. . After the loss of my son in Feb. (27 yrs old) and now one grandson, not allowed to see latly, and the loss of 21 personalities that used to help me cope, lost friends and relatives , friends I have known since 80.... and I let God have it knowing he is ultamamtly in control of everything. Why God? and why all this pain, and why so few believers where I live don't even give a darn? I am like a fish out of water socially and I think I need others ovservations and support greatly. I am truly trying to figure out , or come to know who I am as a person , now. Who in the heck am I ???? I am a 52 year old Christian and my family is a mess and I am not feeling like my Christianity is helping my family a whole hell of alot , so on this effexor i find myself flipping out on God as I weep , mostly over emotional pain, the the next day after two days in row yelling at God after being so angry , and I;m waking up like its a new and a good day , and I am really confused, feeling totally peacful and in feeowship with Jesus. . God knows our hearts and everything we feel and truly think ( before we do, Ha), so you may as well get angry if you are , as I feel safe and not like I am going to hell anymore as I have repented for blaming him for anything to everything. I think he prefers our honesty....and a book that really helped me learn about this was " The Purpose Driven life " By Warren, chapter s 12 -14 saved my ass and helped me to trust in his love and understanding, as we are but dust and I think a relationship that never has anger and strong emotions in it aint much of a relationship I have come to believe. This is all new for me . God is my life , and he knows that. Physically I feel better now that effexor withdrawal is improving . My mind still needs healing and I pray for the restoration of memory ( though I have friends telling me when the effexor is all out you have a sharp mind back !!and I recon I am stuck with the poor vision. I ended up talking about God again, so sorry, Just wanted to say , all this recovery I have been gtting these last 6 months all started with forgiving others and God , to my shock. Boy , was I mad at God, and no lightening has struck me dead. I know his love far exceeds any anger I could have to him , though I did fear hell at first Found out I am not the first nor will I be the last to overcome any ager from God that may come up in me again Too tired I have to go. I got real blessed what everone said to me and thanks as I have that card with those words about God in my bathroom now also, Too tired to talk , Goodnight to all. Jubi carebelle Jubi 01/03/05 08:47 PM I never read any other post of yours except this one.I am fairly new here.I to have talked about God on my post.Ya know what? you sound a little like me.I'm 52 also.Been a christian sence I was 12. This Illness kick my butt big time.You can read my other post if you want.I remember one day being so mad that I riped all my yearbooks up.And broke somethings that were my moms when she was liveing.I felt like all my friends and family left me at the time in my life I needed them most. My family was dieing away ,my moms whole side is gone now.Death is hard to accept and I just dont know how a mother can deal with the lost of a child. I dont know why I have been so sick from these DD .The mental has been the hardest but now the pain has really been getting worse.There are so many changes day two day.So thats how I have been copeing.Every time I think "one day at a time" I think" sweet Jesus" after it .I guess that song when we were kids gives me peace in a way now.It even calms me. Anyhow I really just wanted to say if you bring GOD up in your post maybe thats why you are here.I think you are at a point like I was a few years ago.I beleaved in God ,I talked about Him ,cause I always have ,but after going threw all that I have My relationship with GOD is not taken for granted now.It may sound silly but I appreciate GOD more now then I ever knew how to before. I think its like we love our parents but we dont really know how much till they are not around anymore and then that love seems so much greater. Its like because of this Illness and what its taken from me ,I have realized just how much I do have and I mean my relationship with God.I always had one for years but now its like we are really friends ,and I know HE really loves me its not just because its in a song.He walks with me in this Illness He gives me strength. So donot ever feel its out of place to be yourself when you talk about God anywhere ,that's you and thats a beautiful thing for people to see.We are human and when we accept that out of ourselfs ,it lets others realize GOD loves us just the way we are.Now like a parent HE does want us to grow isnt that what Life is? Anyhow sorry I got carried away but if you ever want to shout ,laugh or pray you can alway tell me to read your post where ever you decite to be.Good Luck and let your heart smile it doent offen everyone.