Just having a bad day and need to vent....

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by aquabugs, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. aquabugs

    aquabugs New Member

    Today has been one of those feeling sorry for myself sort of days, I suppose. Or perhaps I am going into a flare...who knows? Major anxiety attack today that no medication would ease and pain tonight that my meds aren't touching at all.

    I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind, feelings of grief over losses in my life recently - mainly my job, one I had truly enjoyed and felt good doing. So much for all the education I worked so hard for.

    I've been off work since last September due to Sjogren's disease, FMS, and what I believe will eventually be diagnosed as CFS. The powers that be "resigned my position" in November when it became clear that I would not be returning to work anytime soon.

    I thought that with rest I would regain some sense of normalcy, at least at home where I could rest as I needed. But so far the only thing that has happened is that my condition seems to continue to worsen with only brief respites where I feel nearly normal for a few hours at a time. I try to do all that I can in those times, but I always pay in pain and exhaustion.

    I also feel I have lost most of my hard won independence. Hubby is retired and home all the time and is totally dependent on me it seems...what I mean is that he wants to spend every moment with me that he can. As much as I love him, sometimes I need a quiet moment to think, to be me.

    Lately, he is getting extremely overprotective of me with my health problems. My doctor is two hours away and I cannot drive there and back alone anymore due to pain and getting too tired to drive. But now anytime I even start to leave to go to the store, he insists on driving me.

    On top of that, he built us a very nice studio as working space for our glass art. I was thinking that I would now have all the time I wanted to work on my glass. Instead most of my days are spent on the couch watching stupid sitcoms, wishing I felt like going out to the studio.

    I think part of my anxiety is about my impending PCP visit. Six months ago I was in there and the nurse practitioner I see seems to have now changed her formerly sympathetic stance to one of "you just need to eat healthy and exercise" and I will magically get over all this profound fatigue and pain. She used to get it and now she doesn't.

    Does she really think I WANT to live like this? I'd love to be able to hop out of bed at sunrise and go for an enrgizing walk with my little dog and then be full of energy for the day, ready to take on the world.

    I cannot go to sleep before midnight and cannot function at all if I get less than 10 hours of sleep, usually more like 12`hours. When I get up, I am in so much pain and totally stiff for a couple of hours. She seems to have now decided it'a all a state of mind.

    I'm only 48 for gosh sakes! My 70 year old mother moved next door to us last October and does almost all the cooking now, bless her heart. She still goes everywhere she wants to go and goes dancing and everything. And gets up the next day full of energy. I wanted to be like that when I get to be her age.

    So there you have it...my rant. Thanks if you have stuck with it for this long. You really didn't have to. I just needed to get some of this out of my system tonight. I get so tired of whining at home. I am extremely lucky to have a very understanding and supportive family, something I know that not every one has. They do get it about these DDs. But I get tired of having to let them do things for me.

    I AM SICK OF FEELING LIKE I AM 40 YEARS OLDER THAN I AM!!!!

    Thanks again....
    Take care all
    Sylvia
  2. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member


    a bump for your vent
  3. tata1580

    tata1580 New Member

    Rant..Rave..yell..scream..kick your feet..but never kick a pig..that is just bad karma!! Ok I am a smart mouth..I think that is my coping mech. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and we all need to vent from time to time and tommorrow things might just feel a little better to you...

    I get very angry from time to time when I think about the things I use to do, and now I still see all that there is to be done and my brain works at how to get it done, and my body say yeah right, I am gonna make you go lay down now..But in the past couple weeks..acually since I posted my big vent post here..I am wondering if this DD is maybe someones way of telling me that there are other things I should be doing. For every thing there is a season and a reason...not sure what that reason is yet but will let you know as soon as I do...or I could just be full of HS! it is a strong feeling I have now.

    I also have a retired husband that is here all of the time..ALL OF THE TIME... some times he follows me up the hall to the bath room to talk to me..now I love him dearly..and he is a very big help to me and he tries to be so understanding of this DD...but a time out..free time..time alone..I really can relate to that...Just please go fishing sometime! that my dear is my rant today..

    I do hope things ease up for you...I love it when there are the post here to find something that made you smile today..some thing you are greatful for...positive little post...Mine today..and you will laugh..they are having a Hee Haw marathon on CMT...I never watch CMT but I have tonight and I have laughed..enjoyed the old music and even cried a little when Grandpa Jones did a number..my grandfather used to just love listening to him do Old Rattler..a good ole memory...

    Ok...I guess the ramblings of a fibro woman are over...just know you are not alone..

    will be thinking of you
    Love
    Tami

  4. lillyrose33

    lillyrose33 New Member

    I so now how you feel. You are not alone so vent all you want. Last week I was on here doing just the same thing about just the same thing. We all need to let it out now and then and here is a good place to do it. I just wanted to let you know I care. Hope you feel better soon and take care.

    Lillyrose
  5. aquabugs

    aquabugs New Member

    I appreciate your posts. Today is a somewhat better day. The anxiety is somewhat better and the pity party is over again. LOL

    Just about the time I think I have come to accept the changes in my life, it all comes back and knocks me for an emotional loop. I suppose like any other grief, that will lessen in time.

    In the meantime, I am trying to adjust to what is now my new life.

    Take care all and thanks for understanding.

    Sylvia
  6. sascha

    sascha Member

    i've been venting like mad recently. and it is helping me reach a point of making decisions for myself (i hope). i have cfids and am not in good state of energy on my best days. i've been helping my dear aunt who is elderly and in need of transporation, errand-running, doctor-taking, prescription-picking-up.

    before i know it, i'm all used up taking care of her needs. i finally just collapsed after her recent week in the hospital and realized i can't help her and take any care of myself. all my needs go out the window.

    great conflict and guilt ensued. so i ranted and raved to friends and family, and finally reached point of clarity- i KNOW i can't take care of my aunt. it is crytal clear. now to make it crystal clear to others and have them get the outside supports in that she needs.

    what i can't do anymore takes a terrible toll from time to time. i know that when my body gives out, my spirits plummet. when physically i am at optimum level, everything is in much brighter light, and i can be happy.

    we can only do what we can do and deserve and reserve the right to work things out as best we can for ourselves- WITHOUT GUILT! and i guess cultivate acceptance.
    good luck, sascha
  7. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    ...aint that the truth...been there done that.. I am so sorry.

    I do find that if you can take some baby steps to go out to your studio, just start one thing say 30 mins a day, you may build it back up.

    Love and feel better anne cromwell
  8. aquabugs

    aquabugs New Member

    Thanks again!

    Emotionally, I am back on an even keel. I suppose we all just do the best we can!

    *Hugs*
    Sylvia