Just need to talk

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by neverimagined, May 19, 2009.

  1. neverimagined

    neverimagined New Member

    Like many of us .. I never thought I would be here. And I certainly never thought I would be driven to the point of posting my feelings on an internet message board. But here goes.

    You'll pardon the sentence fragments. Not really in the mood for grammar. The story is probably recognizable. Overachiever in school. Many leadership positions. Smart. Outgoing. Center of attention. Fast track to success. Went to college, got a degree. And that's when it all started to fall apart. I met a girl at school and we started dating. I never really fell in love with her and we never engaged in sexual intercourse. But she grew attached and I did not know how to say no. She left school. We entered a torturous long distance relationship. I was unfaithful. She eventually found out. I broke off our relationship on more than one occasion and ended up marrying her anyway. Why? To this day, I do not have an answer to that question.

    In the meantime, my career progressed at an acceptable pace. Things started out fine. But the seeds of discontentment were planted early. She never finished colleged and took an entryl level job which she lost 8 years into our marriage. We had extra income, so I encouraged her not to work in order to relieve the stress. For one year, this worked out fine. Then the extra income evaporated and we began living on credit cards. I made several failed attempts to jump start our financial situation, all of which failed. Fast forward to now.

    12 years of marriage.
    She has grown unattractive and overweight.
    I want desparately to be single.
    We are about to file for bankruptcy.
    We have NEVER had sexual intercourse. (another story entirely)
    She does not appear to have any idea how to manage and develop her life.
    Yes, we have had counseling. More than a year of a very good therapist. Medication also.<br>
    I want desparately to start a new career, but I am paralyzed by anger and depression.

    I know who I am angry at. Myself. For allowing this to happen. I project my anger onto her, but I know that its not her fault. I am angry at myself for not living up to my potential and losing all sense of who I am. I know and believe that I can somehow change my life. Right at the moment, I do not have the energy. And even if I do change it, I do not want to be with her.

    Please help.

    [This Message was Edited on 05/19/2009]
  2. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I think you know what you need to do....it's time to get out of this marriage and move on.

    You can be angry at yourself - but only for a MOMENT, long enough to realize that change needs to take place, then let go of it. Once you take control back of your life, you will have no reason to be angry. You can't look back - only look forward.

    There is nothing to feel ashamed about for wanting to get out of your marriage - it doesn't sound like a true marriage to begin with. It sounds like you have compromised many years of your life and you don't have to do that anymore.

    Think of it this way - it would do her a favor as well. She deserves to be in a relationship with mutual love and affection.
    The energy will come when you make a decision and take the first steps. Right now you're in limbo and that's the hardest place to be.
    It sounds like you have put forth a lot of effort to try and work things out, with counseling etc. so you will never have to say you didn't try.

    Don't waste time on the 'why's" of what you did years ago. It doesn't matter now as long as you don't repeat the same things that made you unhappy. It sounds like you have a lot going for you, a lot of aspirations, a true desire for a better life full of happiness. The only thing that is stopping you is you.

    You probably "allowed" this to happen because you were trying to make your marriage work andthought it would get better. Okay, so now you know it didn't - that's perfectly okay. Don't be so hard on yourself.
    It sounds like your wife has become totally dependant on you. That is not good for any one- either party. She needs to take responsibility for her own life. DO NOT get caught up in feelings of guilt etc. She's an adult - you BOTH need to take the necessary steps to improve the quality of your lives, go after the dreams you aspire to and be HAPPY....Happy on the journey. It's no fun to be unhappy. (obviously), but it can be paralyzing. As soon as you make the decision that you need to make, I bet you'll feel a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders and will see the world in a different light. The grass will seem a little greener, the sky a little bluer.

    I truly believe you know exactly what needs to be done. I'm sure you're nervous to make the initial step - partially because you've come to a place where your energy is zapped, your anger and depression have taken over part of your mind. Push those aside. Start envisioning what it is you want in life. Visualizing is pretty powerful.

    Again, there is nothing wrong (in my opinion)when two people who are not happy together to end a relationship rather than live in an unhappy, unhealthy place. Of course, if would be wonderful if all marriages lasted til death to us part, but yours started off rocky to begin with. We have one life. Don't get so angry that you don't like her at all anymore....that happens when you drag it out too long.

    I'm sure she'll be hurt. Does she know how you feel...the true depths of your feelings? She deserves the truth. Does she have family/friends? Do you have a good support system?

    From your post I can say, I think you're going to be just fine - better than fine! You have goals in life, know what you want, don't want to settle, have tried for many years to work things out.
    Follow your heart.

    [This Message was Edited on 05/20/2009]
  3. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    Prohealth doesn't provide any doctors, so I hope you realize you're communicating with regular people on this site.

    I saw that you had joint counseling for a year, but I was looking for some revelation as to you understanding your past and didn't see it. What about therapy now just for yourself to try to understand your past and to break down why you seemed so uninvolved with it (you married someone you didn't love, no sex, "seeds of discontentment were planted early", etc.). But you kept going with all of it like you were compelled to and marched like a soldier who had been drafted by the government--obeying another force and not your own will. I'm afraid that until you discover what was really going on with you, you may be doomed to repeat your past--if you think about it, you really know nothing else to do but repeat the past and you seem programmed into it.

    Being angry at yourself is not the answer and projecting anger onto your wife is definitely not the answer. I don't know how you will change until you find out the real reasons behind why you "sacrifice" yourself, your happiness, your life, to someone you don't love, and you marry someone you can't give physical love and intimacy to.

    Going through divorce still involves you with your wife and you may end up paying some alimony because of the amount of time you are married and your wife is not working, so you may find you are still somewhat "connected" from her even after a divorce.

    But please get professional help right now. The other therapist didn't help, so seek another one. Keep seeking until you find that person that you can level with and speak honestly to. There is something here that has to be discovered and worked out. Good luck.
    [This Message was Edited on 05/20/2009]
  4. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    I can't reply to your post on your thread (no reply button) so I am replying in a separate

    You kinda remind me of myself. Too polite for our own good. I got a new focus from
    a lot of things including therapy and 12 step group. Have you read, "When I Say No I
    Feel Guilty" by Manual Smith? There is a similar book called "the Power of No" by
    Newman (Susan?).

    It's kinda like the flight attendant says about the oxygen masks. Take care of yourself
    first. Then you can look around to see if you can help somebody else.

    You might consider meds and therapy. Vitamin D3 and the vitamin B12 patch have
    lessened my depression.

    We can change our lives if we want to, but we can't simultaneously take care of
    somebody else. That person will have to manage her own life.

    I moved from the Mid west to CA to get away from my demanding, alcoholic, dysfunctional
    relatives. Geographic therapy is often effective.

    I hope you can find something to help.


  5. Annettemarieschell

    Annettemarieschell New Member

    sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time, I agree with the others who replied, you may both be happier apart, and your wife may come out of it a stronger person, as long as the situation is handled with dignity, and sensitivity... no need to dwell on what could have, should have been, but focus on future and venture forward, figuring it out as you go,
    I have a good friend, who is now going through separation/ divorce, after 20 yrs. and it breaks my heart to hear her tell me she too has been in a marriage without love and intamacy for many of these years...there comes a time when you have to do the best thing for you , life may be long, and you sound like a good person who deserves to be happy....
    take care, and handle things with care.