Just need to vent....so sad

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by paula45, Mar 28, 2003.

  1. paula45

    paula45 New Member

    I hate to unload on y'all, but my poor hubby has probably heard enough for now. I'm just wondering how do you cope with the loss of your "self". I'm no longer who I thought I was and it's really hurting and confusing. I've been dealing with this for a while and thought I was "on top of things", but seems a new reality is setting in. Since I injured my back a year ago, I've been basically unable to be active at all. So, my once fairly slender body is no longer slender...bordering on overweight and my self-image is in the cr**per!! I've never had tons of self-esteem anyway. Now, I can't work, I'm getting pudgy, I'm in constant pain in my back and legs and basically I just feel really sad. I'm in my mid40's and can't imagine what the rest of my life is going to look like. Just had a really bad FM flare on top of the other. What do you do to feel good about yourself? Anyone else feel like me? I don't want to be intimate because I feel bad about my body and I feel sad about that too. BTW, this is not clinical depression. I've got a handle on that. This is situational, plain and simple. Sorry. I know this is probably just stupid, but there's no one that understands this stuff like you guys. Thanks for just letting me get this out. I hope you all are doing well.
    Paula
    [This Message was Edited on 03/28/2003]
  2. jeniwren

    jeniwren New Member

    I don't look in the mirror unless I absolutely have to!! I have always been bordering on under-weight, so to now be "pudgy" and bordering on the other extreme is disgusting to me. I try really hard to keep busy with other things and just not look. I refuse to buy clothes that are a larger size, actually I refuse to buy clothes full stop!!!

    I've been trying, with limited success to halt the progress of the weight gain, never mind loosing any of it. I have taken up having a diet shake for breakfast and lunch as well as some salad or a light sandwhich. I have to be very carefull as both my parents died from heart disease, my mom at 36 & dad at 51. Knowing this doesn't help either, just makes it harder.

    Having said all the above, who we are is not what we look like. Ok, some of who each person thinks they are is because of their body, but that does not define us. I am still the same person I always was, there's just a bit more of me now!

    Jeni
  3. Dara

    Dara New Member

    I have been dealing with pretty much of the same feelings you are having. I have always been very self-sufficient and very dependable and took really good care of myself and my appearance. Now I can no longer work and that really gets me down. I enjoyed my work, it gave me a great amount of self-confidence because I was really good at what I did and I had an excellent job. Now I have to feel dependent on my husband not only for money but for all of the benefits I have lost. I alway felt good about being dependable and was always willing to go the extra mile to help others out. Now I can't even help myself out. Most days I don't even put on make-up or really care what I look like. I feel mentally like I'm still young, which I'm not, but that I'm stuck in this old body that is about 50 pounds overweight. Yes, I hate it too and I have no answers for you. The fact that we all pretty much understand each other does help, but yes it's very depressing. I tried to explain to my therapist, NO I am not depressed, I am just depressed because of the way I feel. Does that make sense to you? It does to me, but not to her. I'm about ready to stop the therapy, I feel that some of these mental health therapists will not realy listen, they have their mind made up, and if you think about it what gives them the right to think they can read my mind, I know what's in there, or isn't, a lot better than they do.

    Dara
  4. missvickielynn

    missvickielynn New Member

    Paula,

    I was going to sign off the board and go to bed, cause I have had a really DEVIL of a day.

    But I decided I wanted to tell you that I completely understand about what these illnesses do to our sense of self-worth.

    These DD's take so much of who we used to be......or, more accurately, how we used to look and perform and function.

    When I look at pictures of myself in 1999, when I weighed 120 lbs.......I almost don't recognize myself. In fact, I have had people be stunned when they see these pics, and they say, "....and who is this?" and I say, "that WAS me."

    I have not worked since Dec. 28, 2000. I worked at that job for 7 1/2 years. I won 2 different awards for my work and my "Spirit" in the first year and 1/2 I was there. Now, I can barely go to the grocery store without help.

    I will be 50 this July. I know how you feel when you say that you can't imagine what the rest of your life will be. I really understand.

    And yes......the depression is totally situational. However, it is true that unrelenting stress, illness and longstanding situational depression can become MAJOR Depression. Very much in the same way that longstanding pain causes changes in the way the body processes pain, so that the pain perception is altered.

    I have not lost my libido......I still have the appetite.....but not only is my appearance a detractor where that is concerned, but it hurts too much!

    I wanted you to know that I really understand. I think most of us feel we have lost our selves.

    But even as depressed and desperate as I am right now, and as much of my self, and my "former life" I have lost.......I know that everything has a reason and a purpose.

    And for many of us, these DD's force us to find out what really matters to us.

    We get forced to let go of people and activities that are, in the long run, harmful for us.

    We get forced to learn that we are so much more than our appearance, or our ability to "produce" and "do for" everyone around us. We learn that so much of our former "self image" was really based on how the rest of the world saw us.

    And maybe......hopefully, we re-discover our faith, and finally realize that maybe God has somthing in mind for us other than what we spent so much energy on before we got sick.

    We finally learn to try to discover who we really are, and who we really want to be, and what we really were meant to do. I still believe we can find new ways to contribute to the world, and to nurture a deeper, more TRUE self-esteem.

    I am saying all of this as much to myself, as to you. I am struggling to believe everything I just said.....or rather to FOCUS on that belief. To have that faith......despite circumstances.

    I hope you find some comfort or value in these ideas. I know they are not going to magically make either one of us stop feeling the grief and loss.

    But we gotta keep looking for the PONY in the middle of all this HORSE HOCKEY!

    God Bless you, and you are in my prayers. (I have quite a list going tonight!

  5. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Dr. Phil's new book, "Self Matters" is a good read. I, personally chose therapy to deal with this. I was starting to see myself as what I have and not who I am. My therapist said this is normal after one has been sick a long time. She used hypnotherapy to help me see myself as a healthy person and not a sick person. She said we forget how to be healthy. As I started seeing myself in control and healthy, it affected my physical health for the better, present condition excepted. I'm going through a rough time right now because of medications.

    Love, Mikie
  6. paula45

    paula45 New Member

    Thanks for replying and sharing your feelings with me. I'm sorry you're feeling sad too, but at least we're not alone. I read a thread on here last night that was about, generally, changing attitudes, getting off our butts, be positive, quit bellyaching and how negative posts drag people down. That made me start thinking that maybe posts like this aren't very welcome here. I truly thank you for not minding that I'm sad. I'd love nothing more than to be better, be able to do my yoga again and get myself even a little more like I used to be. I told my DH last night that if someone told me I'd be OK in five years, I could stand it. I'm so glad for those that are better and can manage things with a change of mind. I'm having a hard time changing my mind. I don't know...guess I'm just not as strong. I need my grieving time right now and I'm so thankful that you are sharing with me. I'm thinking of you, as well, and hope your spirits are up today.
    Hugs
    Paula
  7. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    and I really miss Kady! She was vivacious, flirty, energetic, talkative, an excellent nurse, a fun Mom, a loyal friend, a helpful neighbor, a sexy wife and a faithful Christian. Now, I am in pain, overweight, depressed, anxious, reclusive, out of work, quiet, alone, I have NO libido now and my faith in God often is tested. I take many meds for many conditions and I find that I can do without none of them at this time. This changes from time to time as my symptoms improve~~then I just stop all my meds. This is probably not a good thing, cause then the problems restart. Who knows what the answer is, but I am 47 years old, my children are gone now, I can no longer work at the job I love, my house is neglected, my husband is tired of doing everything for me, I avoid my friends, I really don't like myself anymore.....
    k
  8. paula45

    paula45 New Member

    I could have written that post myself, yes even the part about being 47 and children being gone. Sounds like we're soul sisters. You keep on hanging in there, and I will too. Maybe someday, somewhere we'll meet up with our old selves again. Love you.
    Paula
  9. teawah

    teawah New Member

    Just sending you hugs and letting you know that I personally love to hear ALL of the feelings people have. Some I identify with and some I don't.

    I miss me too. In fact, as I type this I can't help but tear up.

    Thankyou for being you and being here for me.

    Love
    teawah
  10. paula45

    paula45 New Member

    Thank you for good wishes. I'm actually glad I started this thread. I think there are some deep unsaid feelings sometimes that we just have to share. I somehow wish we could be together....but, in the meantime, sendings hugs your way as well.
    Paula
  11. starstella

    starstella New Member

    don't feel bad about putting up a post because you are feeling bad. i do the same thing myself. sometimes you just have to vent. we all have our days when it just gets to be too much
  12. Dayle

    Dayle New Member

    who feel that they have lost who they were. I have felt that way at times, not just from this DD but from abuse as a child. The truth is sometimes our free agency is taken from us. Then we have to make decisions as best we can. Then when we look back we need to remember we did the best we could with the limited resourses we had.
    I thank God for the wonderful people here & other places who have helped me & thanks to Guaifenesin & other things I am getting better.
    I read somewhere; that after we think of what our crisis has stolen from us, we then must think about what it has GIVEN IN RETURN. Have we developed more charity, kindness & understanding for others? Would we be the people we are today without the challenges that have made us strong?
    I have to admit at the healthy age of 20 I was a pretty selfish person. Today, I have more fun seeing someone else enjoying something. Like on Christmas when you send a hamper & can just imagine the happiness that brings. I know so many here are that way too. Just by all the time you each invest in helping each other.
    A wise man once said "What do you value the most? Well what ever it is it will, one day, be taken from you." The only thing we can hold onto is who we are ( I mean in our hearts).
    To me & to so many who benefit from these posts you are all SWEETHEARTS.
    Prayers, Day
    [This Message was Edited on 03/29/2003]
  13. jeanann

    jeanann New Member

    perhaps some well get mad at me, however this is my experience. I got dx with fibrofin 2001, i was scared, i gained a bunch off weight which only added to the pain. I have been determined to take the weight off, i decided i was going to be in pain whether i move or not. It is slow the weight coming off, i have gone back to yoga, Paula yoga is good for us!!!! Go back, even if you cant do everything, its ok MOVE. I have forced myself, cause now i know i am not going to die, i will hurt, i might flare, but getting the weight off and managing this thing is the only way for me not to loose myself. Also this disease has made me a very strong a determined person. The old me has had to change to deal with this thing. For a yfear i was afraid to MOVE, iffwould not go out i was afraid to live, Today I live and it is making me better, its not feasy i admitt and right now i am having so much pain, however i would have the pain whether i move or not. Please dont get mad at me, and yes i understand there are times when we just dont want to do anything, and we are all at where we are in the process, this is where i am today, this could change and tommorow i could be singing another tune. Hfowever, I am adding the gym to my moving and much more walking and yoga, i have gone down 4 sizes in 6 months and feel better all around. I love you all.
  14. paula45

    paula45 New Member

    I would dearly LOVE to go back to yoga and I'm going to a LITTLE bit. I fractured two thoracic vertebrae doing yoga. Be very careful! I was in the best shape of my life when I was doing it. I got careless one time and now I probably have a lifelong problem. I totally agree with you about yoga; but right now I'm just plain scared to do it. I would love for everyone to practice it; but to know that you have to be very careful at some of the poses. Thank you for your response.
    Paula
  15. FibroNan

    FibroNan New Member

    It really seems like a lot of us have just about the same things going on, the same worries and depression, weight issues, etc. My only differences are that I'm 45 yrs. old, my only child still at home is my youngest son who's 19 and has already enlisted in the Air Force, to go in after his HS graduation in May and I am supposed to be the caregiver for my 85 yr. old mother who's in poor health, but I think we're taking care of each other, ha! I'm glad I found this place because it IS nice to have others who can relate to your situation.
    ((((hugs))))
    Nancy
  16. RedB

    RedB New Member

    I'm in the same boat as most of you. I miss my "other" self, and can only work short bursts at a time before I crash.

    I have gained weight, which I never thought I would see on my slim 5 foot 9 frame. (I'm 53)

    My libodo has also come up missing, and isn't that a bother!

    But what I want to say of importance is this -- for those of you who shun sex with your hubby because of your lack of confidence about the way you look with this weight gain, please don't! Sex is one of the things that give our hubbies THEIR confidence, so try not to avoid sex every time! What I've learned is that, chances are, your weight is definitely NOT what he is looking at anyway! LOL