Just Very Sad

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by TeaBisqit, Aug 23, 2003.

  1. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    I just need to vent really. SSI forced me to go to a shrink this week for my review. And I've actually been suicidal ever since. Really can't stop crying. There's nothing like someone sitting you down and pointing out all the things you've lost in your life due to CFIDS. I wasn't suicidal before I went in there. Well, now I'm really sick from it. I've had the illness since 91. And really the only way I have stayed alive this long is because I don't dwell on it. I just do what I can do in a day. But this doctor's visit was horrible. I actually had to talk about how I haven't been to a wedding or a party in more than ten years. I've missed every single one of my cousin's weddings and none of them speak to me since I got sick. I can't work or go to school because I have the Neuromediated Hypotension so bad that it just destroyed my life. I haven't been to a movie in about six years, I can't go because I have the sound and light sensitivity so bad that it's just too painful for me to go. I don't get to socialize other than the net anymore really. Anyone I've tried dating since I got sick either treated me like a leper because they thought they could catch it, or they dumped me because I couldn't keep up. I feel like I have had every single thing in my life taken away from me. My dignity, my self esteem, all my friends, family members who refuse to even believe the illness is real, my self worth, all of my money is gone and SSI is all I have now. I really don't have anything left except some inner strength, and I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep going. And it's certainly not going to happen if I keep being forced into these doctor visits where I have to have all this shoved in my face. My only coping mechanism is to not think about all this. I live within the confines of the illness. When I have a good day, I do not sit around thinking about all I've lost in my life. I just do what I can do. When I have a bad day, then I do wonder why I didn't get the luxury of dying when I first got sick. But I know the bad days don't last forever and I'm usually able to cope with that. SSI is forcing me to go to one more doctor next month for the physical review. It is out of the county for me, over an hour away. I told them I have no one to take me there, I am not well enough to drive there, and I can't afford about a hundred dollars or more for the cab faire. They didn't care. They said if I don't go, they will claim they don't have enough info and kick me off my disability. They refuse to let me see a doctor at one of the clinics near me. And there are several. They said it can only be someone they pay and they don't pay anyone in my county. It's just another horror for me. I have to borrow the money from my mother for the cab. And even the stress of wondering how faint and sick I'll be that day makes me worse. I would give anything to be out of the situation I am in. And I don't feel like I have any options left to me now. The box is getting smaller.
  2. fullarmor

    fullarmor New Member

    I am so very sorry to hear how bad you're feeling. I can't imagine how it made you feel to be faced with the reality of your illness and how it has changed you. I do know how scary it is to think that suicide is the answer; I've been there. But it is truly not the answer. Please please get some help before you make that ultimate decision. Don't let this disease control your life to the point of ending it. Reach out to family, friends, your doctor, anyone. I'm not sure where you're located but here in NJ we have crisis hotlines, and you need to reach out to someone. You say you do have inner strength, well bring that up to the surface and use it. Remind yourself of all the things you still can do..you get up every morning, you do the things you need to do like cooking and cleaning, you take care of yourself. Remind yourself again, like you said you do, that the bad days do usually pass. Try not to dwell on the illness, since that's been working for you. Take up a new hobby, something you've always wanted to try, like crocheting, or painting, or anything that will make you feel like you've accomplished something. That is extremely important right now. There are times when I too think, why can't this be a terminal illness, because I just can't imagine living like this forever. But it's not terminal, and we need to make the best of the what we have, and draw on our inner strength and our true selves to get us through. I don't know how you feel about prayer, but I can tell you it works. Pray for strength, comfort, and to have the suicidal thoughts taken from your mind. I'll certainly be praying for you for all these things. Please don't give up!!!!
    Love and lots of soft hugs,
  3. Hinemoa

    Hinemoa New Member

    I'm so sorry. There are others that are sensitive and caring but you were really put through the mill. Try to think of it like this: "Hey! yeah! I have this really horrible illness and I'm still here, still fighting. Yay for me."

    Perhaps your response to the psych. was just what was needed to prove your need for SSI. Probably not a good idea to go whooping it up to him/her though.

    Before I knew what was wrong with me I was sent to a psych. to learn bio-feedback for pain relief. Instead he gave me huge doses of a medication that my body could not tolerate and would not answer my repeated phone calls for help.

    Never again,

    Laugh it up, baby, you're stronger than you know,

    Love and commiseration,


  4. Pindooca

    Pindooca New Member

    I don't have powerful enough words to express how I feel. :(
  5. Cin

    Cin New Member

    I am truly sorry for what you are going through right now and I think you are a tremendously strong person for what you have been able to do with what you were given. I just want to say that we are in a very similar situation. I also got sick in the early 90's (1993 to be exact and was dxed in 1994) and I am also in my 30s (31, but don't tell anyone). I know exactly what you mean about only having contact with the world through the internet. I have an almost 2 year old and a grandma that raised me, who I thank God for every day of my life, but other than that my interactions only happen online. I am also single will probably stay that way since no one is willing to sign on for this disease unless they are already in love with you.
    I am also from Southern PA, Philadelphia, in fact. The reason why I am writing is that I want you to know that you are not alone. We have alot in common and are relatively close to each other geographically, so if you need a friend, I am here. Feel free to email me anytime. My email address is in my profile.
    I'm here if you need me,
  6. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    You really need to try and make that appointment. Maybe it will turn out you will get more help somewhere else, for therapy. Look around at a clinic of your own for one also, just for your sake.

    That was good advice on calling around to get help on getting to the appointment.

    I hope all works out.
  7. sunshine8957

    sunshine8957 New Member

    Dear Teabisqit:

    Please don't lose hope after this long. Please consider an attorney who works on contingency - he/she will be your voice with Social Security. I cannot imagine an attorney not helping you - print this entire post (make several copies) - give original to attorney, mail copy to person at Social Security a) So he/she can see the problem at hand and get it into your files b) Let he/she know how desperate your situation is. Somehow I think SS won't believe it was so necessary for you to have to make a trip over one hundred miles. All the other copies, I would mail to every family member who has turned their back on you. It's pretty crappy when your own family doesn't support you or back you up. If there are any copies left,
    I would mail to your old "friends" who turned their back on you.

    Then, sit back with your favorite (non-alcoholic beverage)
    and bless the Lord for every one of your good days and ask him to help you get through the days with pain. I'd also throw in another prayer that he PLEASE help you get SSDI and SSI this time around.


    God Bless you, and believe me you will be in a lot of our prayers tonite when we go to bed.

    Lots and lots of soft hugs to you!