I just need to vent really. SSI forced me to go to a shrink this week for my review. And I've actually been suicidal ever since. Really can't stop crying. There's nothing like someone sitting you down and pointing out all the things you've lost in your life due to CFIDS. I wasn't suicidal before I went in there. Well, now I'm really sick from it. I've had the illness since 91. And really the only way I have stayed alive this long is because I don't dwell on it. I just do what I can do in a day. But this doctor's visit was horrible. I actually had to talk about how I haven't been to a wedding or a party in more than ten years. I've missed every single one of my cousin's weddings and none of them speak to me since I got sick. I can't work or go to school because I have the Neuromediated Hypotension so bad that it just destroyed my life. I haven't been to a movie in about six years, I can't go because I have the sound and light sensitivity so bad that it's just too painful for me to go. I don't get to socialize other than the net anymore really. Anyone I've tried dating since I got sick either treated me like a leper because they thought they could catch it, or they dumped me because I couldn't keep up. I feel like I have had every single thing in my life taken away from me. My dignity, my self esteem, all my friends, family members who refuse to even believe the illness is real, my self worth, all of my money is gone and SSI is all I have now. I really don't have anything left except some inner strength, and I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep going. And it's certainly not going to happen if I keep being forced into these doctor visits where I have to have all this shoved in my face. My only coping mechanism is to not think about all this. I live within the confines of the illness. When I have a good day, I do not sit around thinking about all I've lost in my life. I just do what I can do. When I have a bad day, then I do wonder why I didn't get the luxury of dying when I first got sick. But I know the bad days don't last forever and I'm usually able to cope with that. SSI is forcing me to go to one more doctor next month for the physical review. It is out of the county for me, over an hour away. I told them I have no one to take me there, I am not well enough to drive there, and I can't afford about a hundred dollars or more for the cab faire. They didn't care. They said if I don't go, they will claim they don't have enough info and kick me off my disability. They refuse to let me see a doctor at one of the clinics near me. And there are several. They said it can only be someone they pay and they don't pay anyone in my county. It's just another horror for me. I have to borrow the money from my mother for the cab. And even the stress of wondering how faint and sick I'll be that day makes me worse. I would give anything to be out of the situation I am in. And I don't feel like I have any options left to me now. The box is getting smaller.