Just when I had stopped making excuses...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by karen55, Dec 9, 2002.

  1. karen55

    karen55 New Member

    and feeling guilty, and feeling like I had to explain or justify why I have pain, and trying to convince people that this is real....
    A friend who lives in another state called tonight. When he asked how I was doing...his exact words were "So how is the body doing now?"....my reply was "It's still here, I won't bore you with the details". He came back with "Are you serious? Everytime I talk to you it's a different body part that hurts you. I guess I should just ask you what the pain du jour is". I felt as though he wasn't going to let me off without an explanation, so I told him I had a good Dr., had new diagnoses and was managing it and repeated I wouldn't bore him with details, but he pushed the issue and wanted to know "just how much work have you missed due to this". I told him that I go to work no matter what, I have pain meds to take, and I won't give in to this, figuring this would end this discussion. Then he said to me "If it's not bad enough to miss work it's probably all in your head".
    I had finally, in the last few weeks, stopped feeling like I owed people explanations. In fact, I became very selective in who I would even talk to about this. I had finally quit feeling guilty for needing to take meds on a more or less regular schedule to keep my pain and stiffness in check, to function normally. I had finally accepted the fact that what is going on with my body is not my fault, and I actually felt pretty good inside about how I am dealing with it; I stopped blaming myself, I've been reading and learning about it, trying things other than meds to help myself, and coming to this board and reading all the posts even though I don't post a lot myself has helped because I know I'm not alone in this.
    That conversation has really shaken my confidence; I am sitting here feeling guilty all over again, feeling like I'm starting all over to make people believe me. I hate this. It is no wonder people who have illnesses shut other people out, it's not worth the grief.
  2. karen55

    karen55 New Member

    and feeling guilty, and feeling like I had to explain or justify why I have pain, and trying to convince people that this is real....
    A friend who lives in another state called tonight. When he asked how I was doing...his exact words were "So how is the body doing now?"....my reply was "It's still here, I won't bore you with the details". He came back with "Are you serious? Everytime I talk to you it's a different body part that hurts you. I guess I should just ask you what the pain du jour is". I felt as though he wasn't going to let me off without an explanation, so I told him I had a good Dr., had new diagnoses and was managing it and repeated I wouldn't bore him with details, but he pushed the issue and wanted to know "just how much work have you missed due to this". I told him that I go to work no matter what, I have pain meds to take, and I won't give in to this, figuring this would end this discussion. Then he said to me "If it's not bad enough to miss work it's probably all in your head".
    I had finally, in the last few weeks, stopped feeling like I owed people explanations. In fact, I became very selective in who I would even talk to about this. I had finally quit feeling guilty for needing to take meds on a more or less regular schedule to keep my pain and stiffness in check, to function normally. I had finally accepted the fact that what is going on with my body is not my fault, and I actually felt pretty good inside about how I am dealing with it; I stopped blaming myself, I've been reading and learning about it, trying things other than meds to help myself, and coming to this board and reading all the posts even though I don't post a lot myself has helped because I know I'm not alone in this.
    That conversation has really shaken my confidence; I am sitting here feeling guilty all over again, feeling like I'm starting all over to make people believe me. I hate this. It is no wonder people who have illnesses shut other people out, it's not worth the grief.
  3. evileva

    evileva New Member

    Don't you dare feel guilty for having an illness that you have no control over, it sounds to me like this so called friend doesn't know a thing about the illness and showed it by what he said. Unfortunately we all run across these people who think that it is all in our heads, but we do have the choice on whether we want to associate with them or not. You could try sending him some material so he can read up on the subject. That might help and if it doesn't, just don't talk to him anymore. Your well being is more important than what he thinks. Take care.
    Eva
  4. kay

    kay New Member

    Dont even go there. Its like my doctor said to me, IF you were in 9-11 and you broke your leg would you feel guilty? I said NO. He said then you shouln't feel guilty about what you have. I have felt better with myself since then, because it really does make since, in alot of ways. We shouldn't feel guilty and try to convience the world to believe us, and understand us, because they wont. I usually tell people I feel fine, unless it is someone, who understands about CFS & FM. Most of my co-workers didn't even know what was wrong with me. Remember, we did NOT ask for this! Hugs, Linda
  5. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    I question your use of the word "friend", hon. A thoughtful, caring friend, would never say such things. I have read many of your posts.....you are a quality person. Do not for one minute let this conversation shake your confidence. You have no reason to feel guilt. This person (see that lack of the word friend) should feel guilty, about being so inconsiderate and rude.
    Shake it off---go on about your business of getting well--you are doing all the right things!

    Karen
  6. Kathryn

    Kathryn New Member

    You need friends like this like I need an additional set of pain receptors! This guy is no friend to you, and probably not to anyone else either. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about this. What did you do - call up 1-800-pickanillness and order it on your VISA? Get real girl! THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! Next time he calls, if you feel like talking to him at all (Caller ID is great)tell him off. One of two things will happen - either he won't call anymore, or he will learn about this illness. Either way, you will be better off.
    Kathryn
  7. HOUSEOFBLUES

    HOUSEOFBLUES New Member

    He sounds like my husband and my two doctors......It's like trying to get thru a brick wall. You're lucky you're not married to him.
    Then you'd have to get aggravated every day like I do trying to explain why you don't feel up to doing things,
    or have to keep everything inside of you because they don't want to hear it anymore...or just give up going to your doctor visits because they can "no longer do anything for you".
    I have a "bad taste in my mouth" about what i've been thru and what I'm still going thru.
    I just keep it to myself and do my own investigating.
    And thank God for this web site..........
    Love,
    HOB
    [This Message was Edited on 12/10/2002]
  8. amilyne

    amilyne New Member

    i agree with everyone else he is definately uninformed and lacking the definition of "friend"..and i know how you feel one of my truly best friends in the world really hurt my feelings when i was first dx with this earlier this year...and i was having a hard time with this and needed to talk about it --this is what she said to me-"ami-i understand that your upset and all but its so exausting to hear you talk about this,when my mom was dx with breast cancer she didnt even talk about it as much" ughhhh i was so mad i know that breast cancer is awful too but man she really hit a nerve...i dont know if im wrong about having been mad but ugh and another friend of mines, mom apparently has this and other problems- said that she understood how i felt but her actions were completely the opposite ,she would see a a vw beetle and do the slug bug thing and punch me in the arm and id be like ouch that hurt and shed make fun of me and then get mad when she realized that i was serious...so of course i felt guilty that i needed someone to talk to and i was made to feel like its not that big of a deal and youll be fine and life goes on and stop dwelling on it.. but sometimes you just dont want to hear that and when you do finally forget about it- it like "HELLLO--IM STILL HERE REMEMBER ME HAHAHAHAHA" ya know what i mean..and now to top it off my boyfriend will ask me whats wrong and ill say nothing and hell press me to tell him and i know where this conversation is leading...a fight about how its in my head and tells me that im addicted to precriptions..as if- i take nothing for the pain..well i know ive gone of on a tangent novel as usual so im sorry but at any rate im learning to keep this to myself now too ..im sick of the usual "in your head thing""just ignore thing" and i just plainly feel like a broked record when i do so now i just talk to you guys..
    --ami
  9. sls1968

    sls1968 New Member

    You have enough on your plate with this DD to waste your energy on it.

    I used to feel guilty. Not anymore. Several of my so called friends don't see me anymore, since I don't feel like going out and doing lunch or shopping. The one friend that managed to stay with me, didn't understand FMS and thought that I was just looking for an excuse for not doing things anymore, but about 5 years later, her mother was diagnosed with it. She comes to me every so often with questions and advice. She is worried that since her mom has it, she will get it too.

    My family didn't have much sympathy at first. I clipped articles, sent books and websites in the hopes that they would take the time to read it and understand. Well, it worked! My sister, who used to say, "Now what is wrong with you", understands that one day, I feel ok, the next day is pure hell and I don't feel like doing anything.

    So please take care of yourself, and stop worrying about what others think, it takes to much energy and makes you worse.
    Sonja
  10. karen55

    karen55 New Member

    for all the support. I guess that's why I posted about this to begin with, I needed some reinforcement here. Now I'm feeling a bit angry with him, but not feeling so much like having a pity party anymore. LOL
    I did, in fact, order the brochures from this site last night. I figure it this way; next time someone doubts me, I'll just hand them (or mail them) one of these, and if they don't like it, too bad; if they don't want to know how I *really* am, then don't ask me! How's that for readjusting my attitude?
  11. sls1968

    sls1968 New Member

    YOU GO GIRL! Glad to see you are feeling better about yourself!

    Take care,
    Sonja
  12. Sandyz

    Sandyz New Member

    I agree that this guy isn`t much of a friend anymore. I have hard time to with people in my life also being idiots about this illness. Nobody understands that doesn`t actually have this. I have just learned to avoid certain people.

    A couple days ago, a neighbor lady of mine said to me,"May-be you don`t even have fibromyalgia." That was the second
    time she said that to me and she knows I`ve suffered with
    this for 15 years. I could have slapped her. Idiots!!

    I`m sorry that happened to you with your friend. You sound like you`re doing fantastic dealing with this and deserve
    some credit.

    Take care,
    Sandyz
    [This Message was Edited on 12/10/2002]
    [This Message was Edited on 12/10/2002]
  13. nini

    nini New Member

    I'm pretty new here but when I read your post it sounded so familiar. Don't feel guilty about having to explain yoursself. I know how it feels it seems so pointless to explain to unlistening ears. I woould really like to encourage you you seem to have a good attitude but just remember other peoples opinions really don't count for much
    when they have never been where you are. Have you got a fibro group in your area or someone you know who will really listen and not judge you for what you say and do? If not I will pray that you find one.
    nini
  14. BonBons

    BonBons New Member

    I think I know that guy, too. I've stopped talking to people who haven't stopped talking to me first also about my health. the reason I felt such peace last night was because my husband noticed I was turning a corner and really listened while I told him about the strength I've gotten from this site and all of you. Forget that creep. There are many others to meet. Feel better. BonBons
  15. Wreckless

    Wreckless New Member

    There are many people in my life who beleive in ghosts, astrology, superstitions of many kinds, and all kinds of crazy things out there. To me it is of little consequence to me whether or not others beleive my illness. Besides, technically all pain is in your head, it is a perception. That is why they put you to sleep to do things that would be too painful otherwise. If my brain is perceiving pain, the source is not important, knowing the source does not make it hurt any less. I have broken my leg, and shattered my elbows, the pain I feel from fibro is just as real. The fact that medical science can not find the source of my pain, and cure it, is certainly not my fault, and whether or not anyone believes I am in pain, does not seem to change the pain.
    Rudy