Just when you thought your family understood, NOPE

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by fibrohugslife, Jun 20, 2006.

  1. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    Now mind you that I know that my dad does not fully understand my illnesses and all that I go through. One of my illnesses in particular is depression. Which was doing quite good until yesterday.

    He started to yell at me and tell me he going to through away my scanner and I am like HELLOOOO It's my scanner, you're the one that moved it when you bought your new printer. So I have no say in what goes. I will be rescueing my scanner tomorrow.

    Anyway he mentioned some things that my mom and him were doing, which was selling the house next year and I need to put throw my craft stuff away, or put it in my storage, blah blah, and I was like WHAT?!

    Now mind you I knew my folks knew were going to sell the house but not until 2008-2009, so I still had time to finish school, and hopefully and prayerfully feel well enough to handle work.

    It really just turned my world upside down, now I know they will provide for me, food/shelter which is great but the move date was just so unexpectedful moved up. Whatever I am doing for my business, I will probably have to cancel that out, and sell all my stuff which I don't want to do, so I will be putting it in storage. So maybe do my work from the storage facility instead.

    Anyway he was just yelling at me and commanding orders of me and I was like where is this coming from. Mind you I just came back from the Mental Test that SSA gave me and I already felt stupid from that one.

    Needless to say I had an anxiety attack, took my meds, and stormed out of the house to go for a walk and get a breather, as I did not want anymore confrontation with my dad and I, and I did not want to say anything that I regretted.

    He was calling me stupid because of the way I was handling things. I don't know any other way to handle it, and he said that I was acting like a 5 year old and that I was babied and I told him that is his fault, I have been trying to break free since I was teen and now I am ill I can't do much more.

    I told him I was the one that is sick not him. And he asked what does my being ill have to do with it, I told a whole hell of a lot.

    So I walked to the park and cried and prayed. My mom later found me. It is not like I can walk very far.

    We talked and she is not ready for the big move oversees.

    Anyway later on I walked home with her and tried to eat, woke up in the evening and had horrible chest pain, gas, bloating, etc. Then I tried stretching out to get the gas, which usually works and ended up puking my guts out.
    So I can't eat much of anything.

    Anyway long story short, I need to look for a counselor for myself because all that I felt yesterday and wanted to do to myself was highly effective.I have met counselors but they want to cure my CFS, or FMS or both, and that is not what I am looking for but someone to just listen to me. No insurance so going through counselors won't be easy.

    Well sleep has finally come with the help of Zoloft and some Xanax to help with anxiety.

    Many hugs for reading this...
  2. victoria

    victoria New Member

    Since you are in the states, there are Mental Health Centers funded by the state gov't, can't believe California wouldn't have them too?

    Here in Georgia the fee is on a sliding scale, from $0 to ?... so if you're not working, I wouldn't think you would have to pay anything. It can be really nice to just have someone to go talk to and dump on, if nothing else... so sorry you're having to go thru all this plus the problems with your Dad.

    Where overseas are they planning on moving?

    I was reading your profile, and was just wondering - did you have enough quarters of work to qualify for SSD, or are you applying for SSI?

    The reason I'm asking is cuz my son is having all kinds of problems getting any kind of help, he's only 18 and not living at home...

    (even tho I do understand what he's going thru, it is difficult living with him, and he's happy being on his own right now.)

    He has chronic Lyme and cannot work, so he's applying for SSI, they are trying to count legal loans from us to him as 'income' so this is turning into a vicious circle... so that's why I'm wondering.

    all the best,
    Victoria


    [This Message was Edited on 06/21/2006]
  3. CockatooMom

    CockatooMom New Member

    I just gritted my teeth in anger when I read that your father was calling you stupid!

    I'm to the point of tears in feeling what your are going through!

    I just wanted to tell you that you are NOT STUPID!!!!
    You are a wonderful, loving and caring person that deserves the best.

    We love you. You are not alone.

    If anyone is acting like a 5-year old, it's YOUR FATHER!

  4. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    It just blows my mind that family and friends still do not understand. However the main different is the doctor has all that education and research and family and friends are well just that.

    Anyway right now I am not talking to him, he was been edgy earlier and then just went ape mad at him. I yelled back at him, and some not so lovely choice words came out of my mouth which I was not happy that I did it but the heat of the moment. And I was voicing from my heart and mind.

    If he was not yelling at me and everything I think things would have turned out better. He does not understand that I suffer through depression too which is kind of manic and I just lose it completely, and well it just gets bad for me, and I cannot think well at all.

    You say one thing that is traumatizing to me, I am not going to hear anything else. There are just better ways to approach me and he knows that yet refuses to follow that. His loss....

    Right he is not talking to me and the like and neither am I, he needs to apologize for his actions and all the bad things he said to me.

    I am just doing the things I need to do which is my workouts, eating right, do my schoolwork, chat with my mom--who is really concerned about me, even after seeing what I was putting on my application to fill out for the SSA Mental Test, it was just a lot of stuff she did not know.

    I explained to her my depression is really intense and the damage is done (mentally) from bad traumatic events in my life. I have a lot of things going on with me and then add the chronic illnesses too.

    I don't like being at odds with my dad or my mom or any members of my family but if they don't understand my illnesses and what I go through and I have my boundaries set. No one can go past them, not even family.

    Anyway I am doing okay physically, I keep doing whatever it is that I am suppose to do.

    I told my mom that I did not want to go on the vacation to Jamaica to see my family, and said I see them next year. My mom said I am indeed going and I am going to have a great time. I just don't know about that one. I am really hurt by all that my dad did and say to me.

    We were as a family were suppose to go downtown Los Angeles to visit the area, and I told my mom that I don't want to go anymore. I rather work on schoolwork than ride in the same car with my dad.

    Anyway it is just been a tough time and my tenderpoints trigger points from my back are still hurting, so I will be massaging those today and more tomorrow.
  5. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    Hi Victoria,

    Yes there are Mental Health Centers and I have found one to go to. I just have not been able to go to it yet with not being able to drive at time and make appointments. I am going to next week and do the filling out of applications and getting referred to an appropriate counselor or two.

    They do have a sliding scale fee which is fantastic so it should be minimal fee for me.

    My parents are planning to move back to their homeland which is in Jamaica. My dad retires next year and he cannot wait to quit his job. My mom loves California and all and well it is hard for give all that up and move back home so she is not ready yet.

    So anyway I applied for both SSI & SSDI and they will determine which one I qualify for. I should qualify for SSDI I have been working for over 10 years. Your son should qualify for SSI if he is disabled. If not then out here he will qualify for food stamps and stuff like that.

    You might need to check your state & federal laws or talk with a disability lawyer and check out about those loans as that may not really count as income. The courts love to mess with people like us and thinking we don't know the law. It is not to "school" them about the law.

    Anyway I am sorry that your son has a chronic illness and I believe things will work out.



    >>>>>
    Since you are in the states, there are Mental Health Centers funded by the state gov't, can't believe California wouldn't have them too?

    Here in Georgia the fee is on a sliding scale, from $0 to ?... so if you're not working, I wouldn't think you would have to pay anything. It can be really nice to just have someone to go talk to and dump on, if nothing else... so sorry you're having to go thru all this plus the problems with your Dad.

    Where overseas are they planning on moving?

    I was reading your profile, and was just wondering - did you have enough quarters of work to qualify for SSD, or are you applying for SSI?

    The reason I'm asking is cuz my son is having all kinds of problems getting any kind of help, he's only 18 and not living at home...

    (even tho I do understand what he's going thru, it is difficult living with him, and he's happy being on his own right now.)

    He has chronic Lyme and cannot work, so he's applying for SSI, they are trying to count legal loans from us to him as 'income' so this is turning into a vicious circle... so that's why I'm wondering.

    all the best,
    Victoria


  6. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    I am so sorry you are going thru such a rough time of it.

    You will find that your dad didnt mean all that he said. When we feel like theres nothing we can do to help the one we love.Sometimes all that comes out is anger.But the love is still under it all!!

    Depression is just another wonderfull outcome of this DD.Or it just gets intensified,because it piles on more questions and feelings of having no control over our lives.

    It has been an ongoing battle (depression), most of my life!!

    Sending hugzz and shoulder to lean on!!
    Jordane
  7. kaiasmom

    kaiasmom New Member

    It can be so hard - sounds like your dad is a little bit of a hard nosed guy. He just doesn't do the "sensitive" thing very well, obviously, and that is just what people like us need. My husband hasn't always been really good at it either, but he's getting better. Fortunately, he really cares if something he says makes me cry.

    My advice, for what it's worth, is just take care of yourself (which it sounds like you are doing), and let everything else work itself out. If you don't take care of you, the other problems will only get worse, because you won't be able to handle them.

    I am glad your mom is concerned, but ordering you to go on family vacation does not seem appropriate. Seems to me that the time away from your dad might do you some good at this point. I would also agree that a long car ride with him might not be the best idea at this time either.

    I've read some of your other posts about family issues & know this isn't the first time you've had issues like this with your dad. Maybe after things have settled & everything is back to "normal" a good long heart to heart is in order. If you are going to co-exist, there has got to be some level of respect, and understanding. Maybe there are some things you could share with him about your daily life, thoughts, feelings that could help him understand? Just a thought. You might also want to have someone else there, to make sure your voice is heard.

    Anyways, just my thoughts. Also, I wouldn't worry too much about the move. Keep your stuff out of your dad's way - so he can't toss it. Hopefully your mom can keep him from making any drastic, life-altering decisions before everyone involved is ready.

    Well, I gotta run, so take care & gentle hugs.

    Leanne
  8. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    you have alot on your plate...you are on the right path to the local mental health clinic...

    take care of yourself

    jodie
  9. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    No I am not moving to Jamaica. I thought about it a long time ago but this was before I was sick as I wanted to work out there and live in paradize like my cousin does.

    In Jamaica, they do not have all of the medical assistance that I need, plus no SSI/SSDI or other opportunities like that. I have never heard of any out there having Fibro, and CFS and all of that. There may be people out there but I just never hear anything of that sort out there and you can only imagine that it would be that much HARDER out there than here.

    It is a different way of life out there.

    I am better off living here where I can get as much care as I can get.
  10. pirtpain

    pirtpain New Member

    I feel really bad for you. Do you mind if I ask your age. What school are you attending?? It seems that everyone is
    feeling alittle depressed lately. Maybe it's the heat. Anyway, I am not making light of your problem. Parents are

    very stuck in their ways. I know that my mom understood my illness but dad not so well. They feel like if you just got up and walked around you would be so much better. I am very

    glad that I don't live with my parents. Maybe your mom can act as the go between with your dad. It could be that he is stressed over selling and moving and happened to take it out on you. We all know how hard it is to get the energy

    to clean our rooms etc. Perhaps you could take a half hour each night and start to pack up and organize for the move even if it comes at a later date. Maybe this will get your dad to relax alittle. GOOD LUCK!!

    PIRT
  11. cinnveet

    cinnveet New Member

    It is not a sign of failure to seek a therapist but a willingness to grow.

    Seeking help to cope with the emotional fallout of chronic illness is a sign of strength rather than weakness, implying a willingness to learn to cope more productively with illness-related issues: grieving, problem solving, adustment issues, depression, anxiety, and the need to understand and balance one's life in new ways. The therapeutic setting provides a safe place to express feelings, focus on personal needs and growth, and ease the emotional pain of illness without feeling judged.

    I feel so bad for you right now and hope things turn around for you. I will keep you in my prayers tonight.

    God Bless,
    Cindy

  12. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    Hello there,

    I actually put my age and info in my profile if you click on my name and more about me in there. I am 29, will be 30 next month. I am going to disappear for my birthday LOL, most likely by myself, no friends anymore.

    As for packing up my stuff which is my rubberstamping and scrapbooking items, I cannot do that yet as I am still doing that. So I really can't do any of that yet until they have a definite date for me so that I can work towards that.

    I will put some things away after the vacation.

    My mom sat both of us sit down earlier and she talked to both of us as we both have the same temperment which is true. My dad of course pointed the finger at me, and something told me to just not say anything right now.

    My mom told him back that he is to blame too and should work on his attitude too. It was breaking her heart about choosing sides which she can't. That was the worst fight my dad and I have had. This is most thought I have fought back at him. So he is still in denial and does not think he is to blame. BIG FREAKIN' SURPRISE!

    I accept my part in how to react and not blow up like that in the future. I know I am not innocent in this argument. There are SOME things that I can control and some things that I can't.

    Oh I forgot who said it would be a long ride to be with him to Jamaica. Actually can't drive there, you have to fly LOL. I hate to fly but I will be knocked out with my sleeping sedatives and my iPod in my ears.

    With what my mom said to me about going on the vacation, I am defending her here, as is that it was appropriate for her to say. She said it in a loving way, not a forceful tone. I am going to go-I paid too much to have someone else mess up my vacation.

    As for dealing with my dad I will be hanging out with my niece and cousins and going wherever they go, and spending time with my brother and I will rarely see my dad.

    I wish the family reunion was this year and for sure I would not see him the whole vacation, until it is time to leave LOL. My mom's side of the family is HUGE!

    Even after the discussion my mom had with us, he has yet to step forward to apologize to me for the bad things he said to me and how he treated to me. I am not going to step at all, for once it is not a majorly my fault. For once I am just gonna wait and see what my dad does. I am always the one running up talking to him and I am not going to do it this time.

    So my guard is up unfortunately. However this is the best way I can protect myself and that includes family.

    My mom has grown to be the most understanding mother, she has gone with me to my doctor's appointments and been in the office with me so she has heard what the doctors have said and everything. So she knows for sure this illness is real and my pain is real and how bad it can get. She has seen me in all my glory.

    My dad has seem me at my bad times but it feels like he still thinks I am making it up. What is funny with him, he has called my stupid earlier in my life and so those words really are like heavy boulders to throw at someone.

    There is just so much to do on the island, endless amounts of things to do. I will be spending a majority of my time at the beach.
    [This Message was Edited on 06/21/2006]
  13. diva42597

    diva42597 New Member

    I feel your pain. I am fortunate in some ways that my mother suffers from fibro also. Unfortunately, she doesn't understand what it's like to be young and have the disease. I'm 28...I read in your bio that you're 29...we're in the same boat.

    As for your father, as much as your family loves you, they will never truly understand what you go through. I have had several close friends and family members tell me that I look so healthy and to "snap" out of it. It helped me to accept that they don't understand and do my best to educate them slowly. By accepting that they love you, but they don't get it it really does take a big burden off your shoulders.

    I found myself getting so angry at my fiance (who will NEVER get this disease) because he didn't understand. I was angry at him and hurt...it makes you feel like because they don't understand, they don't care. If you try to change that inner voice and simply accept that those that don't suffer will never know what you really go through it really does help.

    You will be fine. You have some wonderful things going for you. Keep praying. Although, there is no cure, I truly believe that the lord doesn't give us challenges that we can't face. There will be better days. Have faith.

    Kristen
  14. kaiasmom

    kaiasmom New Member

    Just wanted to clarify....I know you can't drive to Jamaica! You mentioned a drive to LA with your mom & dad - that's the long drive I was referring to. I'm glad I gave you a laugh though!! All worth it!!

    Hugs,
    Leanne
  15. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    Ooooh okay that was you LOL.

    No I am not going on the drive to LA. I am just not in the mood to go anywhere with anyone I am related to which includes my mom.

    I may have a date though LOL. However I am thinking of going out by myself and just chilling out.

  16. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    Well I have lived at home pretty much forever. Culturally it is okay for the girls to still live at home. There were times that I was suppose to move out, but then my roommate would back out or something always happened. Then I also never had enough money to live on my own out here.

    Then I got sick and well that pretty much killed it for me to move out. I needed someone to care for me as I have a lot of health problems now.

    I have so much trouble functioning not only physically but mentally too. I do feel like there is something more wrong with me on both ends. Soooo I am hoping to get diagnosed for anything more if there is anything else.

    I am just worn out emotionally that I am just like blaaaaah.....

    I wish I could move out but looking at what is available in my county, not a lot, and I don't have any benefits whatsoever.

    So looking at what is offered by the county and living with my folks well I am better off with my folks hands down.

    When I come back from vacation I will be looking to take Yoga and Water Therapy classes and see if I can use the gym at YMCA to help me out healthwise.

    I am already doing Yoga at home with the DVDs but I feel I need more instruction.

    I am just trying to do the best I can, and my best will never be enough in my families' eyes or others. So I keep learning to look to myself and help me, but it is so hard to do that all of the time.