(((Karrot))))

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by foreverdream, May 29, 2003.

  1. foreverdream

    foreverdream Guest

    hey, you said you relate and whatnot, so i thought i would see if you were still out there and if you wanted to chat a little more...how are you feeling nowadays? wow, you are pregnant, mega-congrats! i think that having God form a life inside you is one of the most amazing things. how are you handling pregnancy with the fatigue? i cant even imagine...what was your major at the bible college you went to? i was studying pastoral ministry-- i wanted to preach or teach and counsel people. now, with the cfs, im definitely up in the air with what i want to do. the closest thing im considering right now is returning to school and getting my undergrad and masters in psychology, so i could be a christian counselor. but, it all is so far off right now, who knows?!?! anyways, you sound fun, i hope you get this...[This Message was Edited on 05/29/2003]
  2. Karrot

    Karrot New Member

    I notice it's been a week or two since this post - I hope you check back and find mine!

    I am indeed still out here. And I would love to chat more. I tend to sit back and observe in groups but I do excellently one-on-one. Thanks for the "mega-congrats" LOL
    I agree. This whole experience of having a life growing inside of me is just amazing. And I have begun to feel him (yes, it's a boy) kicking around inside of me in the past month. I was actually quite concerned that the pregnancy along with CFS was going to keep me bedridden. The first trimester was TERRIBLE. I was sick and exhausted the entire three monthes. But now it seems as though I have more energy and drive than I did before I was pregnant. My husband is loving it! I still have the pain, however as well as preg pain. But it is tolerable and I take care of myself.

    How are you feeling, dear? Like I said before, I lived with my mother after I dropped out of school and it seemed like the longest year of my life. I honestly felt as though the person who I had been was crumbling off me like a dead shell. And underneath all of it was this new VERY vulnerable person. And I didn't quite know what to make of it. Part of me tried to continue being that old person and part of me knew I couldn't go back. I was on the brink of something really big and it honestly left me scared and confused. I felt stuck. I didn't know where to turn, what to do, who to be.

    Let me digress, the college I attended is called Martin Luther College located in New Ulm, Minnesota. It is a tiny school with MAYBE 1000 students attending to become either pastors, teachers, or staff ministers. I was majoring in staff ministry. Basically what that job invovles is church outreach programs, Sunday and Vacation Bible schools, some administration. It is a fairly new vocation and is rather versatile. I went to that school for 1 1/2 years. I had terrific friends there who all understood and shared my faith. What shook me and really broke me down were the professors who were supposed to be mentors. These supposed spiritual gurus turned out to be stuck up, self righteous, uncaring pigs. To put it nicely :) I was taking 22 credits at one point, working two jobs, and in major denial of the very present CFS within my body. I became mush. My grades went down, my social life disappeared, and to top it off my profs started coming down very hard on me. I decided to confide in my advisor about all the issues that I had been dealing with in hopes he would understand and offer to help me somehow. Instead, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Well, maybe you shouldn't be here." I was crushed. I was there to give my life to God, to serve His purpose and I was being turned away. That was the final blow. And I left school.

    I had a good excuse to lose my faith. But I didn't. I recognized the fallibility of those humans and chalked it up to sin. I had to find a new relationship with God as I now questioned everything that those profs had taught me.

    I have to be honest with you. This inner struggle to discover who I really was took a long time. After living with my mother, I moved to Arizona to be with my fiance. (Sidenote: he is in the army and was stationed in S. AZ) About two monthes after living here, I realized I needed medical attention. Dan (my husband) and I decided to forego the big wedding and got married within a week. I had medical benefits being a military dependent and I went on an anti-depressant. The next year went by so slowly. Though I have a difficult time recalling the events now. I was severely depressed. In addition, I had become masochistic and hurt myself to alleviate the internal pain I felt. In retrospect, I can say that it was part of the healing process. During this period, I also had to adjust to being a wife. And my husband had to adjust to dealing with a severely depressed wife who had a real condition that no doctor could confirm: CFS.

    For me, I can say there was no other path that I could've taken and ended up where I am now. If you can discover who you are now - before you meet your husband - I would highly recommend it. Dan has seen me struggle, he has seen me at my lowest point in my life, and it has been a long road but he has come to understand CFS and accept its part in my life.

    Now that I've completely rambled on about my life. I would really love to hear your story. You can email me if you like (schnipperdog@msn.com) or we can continue on here.

    I would just like to add that I also considered and have actually always wanted to become a Christian counselor. I majored in psychology at Northern Arizona U. before transferring to MLC.

    Take care, foreverdream and remember you're not alone.

    God bless,
    Karrot

    BTW - you should stop over at the chit chat forum (also on this site) that is where I mainly hang out.[This Message was Edited on 06/11/2003]
  3. selma

    selma New Member

    Just wanted to tell you that the light shines in you.
    Just take care of the light. God bless you.
    Love, Selma