Kind of Personal...but would like your opinion

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Suekoo, Jul 26, 2003.

  1. Suekoo

    Suekoo New Member

    I am going directly to the sourse since you all will understand better than anyone. My husband has hinted about his 94 yer old mother moving in with us. It's about all I can do to work 8 hours a day and take of my rsponsibilities here at home without another person here. My mother in law speaks little or no english and is very demanding. My husband is an only child, and I am also. She prefers her ethnic food over "American" - so that will cause a lot of stress along with everything else. I know if she comes here everything will be on me. My mother in law lives alone and has for the last 30 years. Quite frankly, she is in better health than my husband and me. We do have someone who comes in to help her 3 days a week. I think he is just tired of making the 10 mile trip every way to "run her errands". She can think of a million reasons why he needs to go there - and he goes. He knows I don't feel well most of the time, but feels she won't last forever...
    Guess what, neither will I. Please give me your thoughts or some helpful advise to squash this idea. Many thanks!!
  2. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    This is really a tough one. My Mom was 92 when she died. From all outward appearances, she was in very good health; however, she was no longer able to care for herself or her place without help. I found this out when she moved in with me. She was very understanding and sweet, but even so, older people can sometimes be difficult to live with 24/7.

    Is it possible to move her closer without having her actually live with you? This would ease the long drive for your husband without burdening you. Is it possible for her to live in an assisted-living facility?

    You didn't say what kind of housing she has now. If she has a house requiring lots of care, I can see why your husband needs to help her. If she lives in a condo or apartment, someone to come in and clean and help her with shopping, errands, doctor appointments, etc. should alleviate the burden on your husband. That way, he could see her once a week or so. The errands may just be an excuse for her to see him.

    I think having her move in, unless there are no other alternatives, will be next to impossible for you. On the other hand, even if she is difficult, your husband is all she has and she probably lives for his visits. He is right, she will not be around forever and when she is gone, he will miss her more than he could ever imagine. All the love he can give her now will be a comfort to him when she is gone.

    Try to sit down with your husband and discuss all the options and tell him your fears. You are his wife and your health and welfare have to come first. There may be more options than you think. If there is an Agency on Aging in the area, they may be able to offer some suggestions. Good luck.

    Love, Mikie
  3. sierrasioux

    sierrasioux New Member

    I'm sorry--I don't know what I would do if I were in your position---I take it that she doesn't have the money to go where she could go to a retirement home.
    My father-in-law was in a retirement home, but we lived a few miles away and he was calling me 3 days a week to run errands for him.
    My husband told him that he had to find someone else to do all of the errands, because it was really wearing me down and I was in constant pain.
    He now has the janitor from there helping him. We moved out of state 6 months ago, but he also has another son that lives 20 min away and people there getting all that he needs.
    This is just me personally, but I would not like that because it would just be extra work,if you are in bad health yourself, but if there is no other choice--it is family.
    I am so lucky with my mother-she is 76 and in very good health much better than myself, but she says that she would never do that to her children-wanting to live with us cause she knows it is too much work. My father died 21 years ago, but I doubt she will ever have to be in a home--she is in great health. Good Luck
  4. IntuneJune

    IntuneJune New Member

    I was the primary caregiver in my home for my mil. She could not be left alone,when I was at work I had a care giver come and sit with her, she had full blown Alzheimer's. It was much harder than we anticipated, there was never a moment to relax I have had FMS diagnosed over 20 years ago and did very well, until having Sarah for four years, I was worn out physically, did not have the heart to put her in the nursing home. Repeatedly I got pneumonia, bronchitis,etc, my doc --who is a GENTLEman played hard ball with me which reduced me to tears in his office. I had told him putting Sarah in a nursing home would be signing her death certificate. He said, "if you don't, I guarantee you will be signing your own!" That was 3 1/2 years ago, I have not climbed out of the hole I got into with caregiving. My words to you, BE VERY CAREFUL. Sadly yes, shortly after putting Sarah in the nursing home, she passed. Fondly, June
  5. jadibeler

    jadibeler New Member

    Your husband is being completely unreasonable and inconsiderate to even suggest such a thing. If he insists, tell him he can stay home with her and cook for her and answer all her demands. See how much he likes the idea then.

    I took care of my mother with Alzheimer's, then Parkinson's for 7 years. She was not demanding in the least but she did need her own food cooked and special care which increased over time. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and definately had a physical breakdown. We have enough trouble taking care of ourselves.

  6. sofy

    sofy New Member

    There is no easy answer to this tough question because no matter what the decision it will be hard to live with.

    The other replies are right you first have to have a frank discussion with your husband about who will be responsible for the additional work load. Putting it all on paper might help. The two of you could make the list together and this might make him feel more like part of the solution.

    If she has someone coming to help her 3 days a week there is no reason that cannot be transfered to your house to meet some of the additional work load. Perhaps someone once a week to do ALL the house cleaning.

    Ethnic food. How does she get that now? If you decide that she will stay with you perhaps she will be able to contribute to some of the cooking required or at least the 3 of you will have a conversation before the move so that she will know that you do not have the energy to devote that kind of time in the kitchen so she wont be expecting it.

    I guess I am saying that it all needs to be laid out on the table between the 3 of you and openly discussed. I wish you luck.
  7. bidamom

    bidamom New Member

    I'm in the same boat with the foreign mother in law. She's lived with us at least seven times over the years and each time after about 3 or 4 months I'm ready for suicide. They take over the kitchen first and demand all kinds of ethnic items that are expensive here. Immediately they rearrange the kitchen and start to try to enforce their own diets as the only way. If they don't get therir way, they make scenes and carry on (usually waving a dishtowel like some kind of battle flag). She is rude to the children and we just sent her back after five months! I'm now in some kind of relapse (pain and exhaustion) like post traumatic stress! I'm a mess and so is my family. The only one who was happy was my husband who reverted to very childish behavour with mommy. THey ate together and berated me and our two kids constantly. I felt like the enemy in my own house. DON'T DO IT....GET HER A HOME HEALTH AID TWICE A WEEK AND TELL YOUR HUSBAND TO ACT LIKE A MAN AND PUT YOU AS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN HIS LIFE. God give you streength to fight this plague.
  8. Suekoo

    Suekoo New Member

    I am so much better tonight after reading your posts. Thanks so much for your advice and your thoughtfulness. So many of you were right on with what I have been thinking and feeling. If she were an easy person to get along with, I don't think I would have this worry. I don't want to be unkind to my husband, but honestly after work all I want to do is crash. I cannot be responsible for someone else who will demand such attention. As I mentioned earlier she is pretty healthy. Has hearing problems and problems with vision in one eye. That's it folks. NO PAIN. God bless her at her age. However, she is not one to count her blessings. Again, thanks. You've been wonderful. I will read your posts over and over -
  9. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    My Dad died young, my Mom died four months later. She lived with me for four months. She really wanted her own place (she was 58), she did not appreciate how I raised my children, especially my oldest son who spent 14 years with her.

    I am a disiplinarian, my children did not tell me no, or back talk me. I would back-hand them in heartbeat.

    She was dead again my way of disipline. That and my SIL who she adored and who I did not get along with was the big problems. It was a tramatic four months to say the least along with my having a Day Care Center and FM at the time.

    If at all possible, try to find her housing nearer to you that your husband can visit, and she can continue to have help come in like she is doing now, and her independance.

    But I would in no way encourage him to put her in a nursing home or the assisted care affairs. MOst older people die from griving for their independance and their homes. You would have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life.

    If my Mom would have lived to be a hundred I would not have put her in one of those facilities no matter what I had to go through. I know I would not want to be in one of them, I would rather be dead. When she died I had no regrets, and grived normally, no blaming myself for doing ugly things to her.

    I look at it this way, parents take care of us when we are children and helpless, when they are old and helpless they deserve the same consideration.

    You can disagree with me, or raise all kinds of hell with me too, this is my opinion and I stand by it firmly. No old person in my family were put in a home. They were taken care in the old fashioned way, living with a child, or alone with care.

    All three of my children have already been told, if they ever think of doing that to me, they had better be damn sure I am unable to move my limbs, because if I am able, I will get out and use the non-business end of the shotgun to put them in a hospital.

    I deserve to be helped if needed, I spent my life raising them, if I need them in the years to come, then its simply their turn to take care of me.

    I do not want to live with any of them, but I want my own home, not a room in a facility where I will be told when to eat, sleep, and etc. That is not a life for a dog, much less a parent with children who are too busy to care for a parent that took care of them for a lifetime.

    Shalom, Shirl

    PS, an after thought, what would you want your children to do with you if you were in the same predicament? No matter what we all get OLD, even if you can't imagine that when you are young!

    [This Message was Edited on 07/26/2003]
  10. chknmama

    chknmama New Member

    I would NEVER put my parents or Grandparents in a nursing home.My feeling is...they took care of me and my siblings its the least I can do to take care of them.My granny is 90 and the day will come when she will need help.I have already talked to my hubby and we both agree that I will move in with her to take care of her.
    Why are we the only country that throws away our elderly?How would you feel if you were in there shoes?
    My opinion,don't shoot the messenger.
  11. dolsgirl

    dolsgirl New Member

    I'd say leave Mom 10 miles away & sonny can go help her once a week and Yes she will be gone someday as all of us will be & God bless her she's already had 94 YEARS! No disrespect is meant, but, c'mon. I know he's an only child and all, but don't let her move in on you. You will both be unhappy with that move & once it's done, it's DONE. Someone suggested that he have her move closer if the 10 miles bothers him, but 10 miles isn't a bad commute. She's been where she's been at for 30 years & moving the elderly isn't the best thing, especially if it isn't really needed. She sounds as though she's doing fine with the situation the way it is & I would suggest you leave it the way it is. I hope I didn't offend you, but I tend to be blunt. ;) dolsgirl
  12. sofy

    sofy New Member

    My good friend had her mother with her for a long time. Mom could not move without her picking her up. When my friend developed a bad back and could no longer pick her up to put her on the potty etc they put her in very close nursing home. Mom carried on and on about how they were just trying to kill her by putting her there and the like

    Mom got to the nursing home, my friend visited every day, it was 5 minutes away, and Mom was so much happier and eventually even admitted it.

    At my friends home she was so isolated and very lonely. At the nursing home they had all kinds of stuff going on and she participated in everything and was having fun.

    Now she didnt last too much longer in the nursing home because her many health problems finally took her but the last few months were a bright light not a dark one because she was in the nursing home.

    I could tell you stories about friends who had different experiences but nursing home, assisted living does not automatically mean evil and bad.

    I have one child and will definately sign myself into assisted living the minute I can no longer take care of myself.
  13. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    It was difficult for both of us because we had both lived alone for so long. On the other hand, when I felt up to it, I took Mom out to do things she would not and could not have done on her own. We had fun and we had some great discussions. I had decided that I would not have ever put her in a nursing home, but if I had to go back to work, she would have been fine with living in an assisted-living facility or going to adult day care. She could no longer be left to cook for herself. She burned herself and forgot pans on the stove.

    I don't know about other areas, but the assisted-living facilities here are very nice. There are all different levels from independent separate homes in the village to independent apartments and the residents can choose to cook or go to the dining hall for meals. There are apartments in the main building of different sizes which have small kitchens and again, they can decide whether to cook or eat in the dining hall. If a person can no longer cook on a stove, there are apartments with only microwaves.

    Many of the facilites here take those who are ambulatory shopping and to doctor appts. and they have day trips to interesting places. Of course, the more they have to offer, the more they cost.

    I am glad I was able to have my Mom living with me although it was hard for her to see me so sick at times. I wish she could have lived to see me feeling better and doing more things together. I miss her so much.

    I don't want to ever live with my children even though both have said I could. I would rather live in a facility if I could no longer live on my own.

    Love, Mikie
  14. Suekoo

    Suekoo New Member

    I just wanted to say to some of you who may have misunderstood, I do not want to put my MIL in a nursing home. She lives in her own home and likes it that way. We have someone come in 3 times a week to help with the housekeeping and cook the ethnic food. Housekeeper is same nationality. My MIL has become obsessed with my husband. That is "his" word, not mine. As I had said before, the move would be just to keep him from going back and forth so often. I know that I would be the primary care giver. Men don't usually take up those responsibilities. She does not have a lot of money, only what her home would be worth. Also I have worked with the elderly and know that they are better in their own surroundings. I think keeping her comfortable in her own home is the best way to go for now. She has no real health problems. Thanks again for your advise. Sue