Lack of Support from Best Friend

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by leo1960, Jun 11, 2012.

  1. leo1960

    leo1960 New Member

    I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem. My closest friend of 25 years just sent me the meanest email after I sent her a copy of information from Fibromyalgia Network, talking about friends' support. She has made comments about my lack of tolerance for loud noise, cold, etc. that were hurtful, so I wanted to "educate" her. Well, she informed me that she didn't want this information, that I shouldn't dwell on this because it makes things worse (I am active and never even think about it-only with her because of the way she treated me!) and that everyone has aches and pains when they get older (we're in our 50's). I felt belittled, thoroughly chastised, and almost ashamed. I haven't spoken with her since. How can people you love be so cruel? I'm feel sick that this friendship has been ruined. What about you guys? What have you encountered with others about your illness? Thanks for listening!
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board. Sorry to hear about your friend, but it's
    all too common. Most friends and relatives won't understand and
    won't make much of an effort to remain friends.

    There are several boards at this site. You will probably want to visit
    the chronic fatigue/fibro board. See the menu in the upper left hand
    corner. The board rules are in the opposite corner.

    The Chit Chat board is a good place to socialize. It has been my only
    social life for several years. The Lounge and the Porch threads have no
    topic. Good place to chat about kids, pets, music, relatives, gardens, etc.

    Good luck
    Rock
  3. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    18 months ago, my best friend of 10 years, wrote nasty letters to all around her. I received lettersfrom her saying my depression was "my giving in to the devil" and that my taking art class was either "the work of the devil or descent into hell" (I forget which one she used). If I don't attend her church I am going to hell--and it just went on and on. Her letters contained bizarre beliefs that had never been uttered by her before, like people who were molested or raped (even if they were children or babies) had turned their backs to God and that was why it happened and she lacked sympathy. She has suddenly become so horribly mean and cruel.

    I took her letters to a therapist I have seen over the years and he read them and said they read much like someone having a psychotic break. It turns out she was having a psychotic break and her husband couldn't get her to the hospital for treatment. No one could help her and we all had to turn and walk away.

    Your "friend" (and you have to analyze whether she is now a friend or is just someone you know) does not support you and does not believe in your illness. She doesn't act like a "friend" and to me it felt like her words were meant to hurt you more than to kindly express her belief. Her words would be a red flag to me that the friendship is over and possibly has been over for a while and boiled over with her finally getting it all out.

  4. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I am so sorry you're going through this.

    I understand completely. I had shared some information with selected friends and family via email a few years ago. She never said anything. Since then a few snide comments here and there "I never invite you anywhere cause you never 'want' to go". Want? Heck yeah, I want to, but cannot.

    Most recently I can't even remember how it came up, but she admitted she doesn't have much empathy. She doesn't know what to say to me. I truly did keep her as the one friend that I made sure never to complain to cause she'd wouldn't say anything, change subject or act totally disinterested. I mentioned she seemed to be a fair weather friend and that started a big email exchange.
    This was a best friend, but you learn quickly who you can and can't say things to so that's what she turned into.

    She also when I do talk to her (me not complaining), knows that we are in dire straits. Finances are horrible cause I can't work etc. She has to tell me about all of her good fortune. I listen and tell her how great for her, but truthfully I would never do that to someone who is hurting terribly. I guess I"m just different.

    I don't have anyone I talk to anymore - except family. I don't have the energy nor desire and I was only the one that always initiated staying in touch w/people. I guess I"m just not fun anymore.

    It hurts.
  5. MicheleK

    MicheleK Member

    First of all, my sympathies that you are enduring this painful part of having a little understood or accepted illness. This illness is bewildering to us let alone our friends who are taught that the illness is psychiatric, we are attention seeking hypochondriac and the one you are dealing with which is the positive thinking, negative thinking seesaw people throw around as if you could think your way out of a physical illness like this. Some are so engrained in the positive thinking movement that it's almost as if they think there is really magic fairy dust to be sprinkled upon your thoughts that will cure you. It's ridiculous!

    But here are a few things to consider before throwing away a "friendship". Admittidly she railed at you all those nasty words and thoughts. She came right out and said she didn't want to learn. So as she is accusing you of keeping yourself in the dark, in reality she is choosing the darkness. That is sad. Perhaps she is not equipped emotionally to deal with being around a sick person. That is quite common. Some people simply cannot handle it. It brings them down.

    Now of course loyalty to a friend should come before not wanting to feel down. But at this point she isn't there. And she won't get there until she decides perhaps that she has been cruel and regrets being incredibly mean and hurtful.

    People in the world (us included before we got the illness) have been bamboozled by the media, the medical profession and medical universities that FM is not real. It is repeated all the time. This is why when the Lyrica commercials came out, even though the woman in the commercial's physical abilities were viewed as a real misrepresentation of reality, it started to make people beleive. We are at the beginning of the "believing" stage. Things will get better. Will you have this friendship anymore? That is between you and her.

    One thing you can do which has been mentioned is come here and share you feelings, experiences, and frustrations over what the illness is doing to your body, your life and your dreams. Get it out here where we understand. Then you will be able to talk less about the issues with healthy people and therefore lessen your exposure to hurtful times.

    We of course have the right to expect that those who supposedly love us would listen and care. Only you can decide by looking at the situation and discecting it, if she was having a bad day, if she is uncomfortable or feels insecure around someone she cares about who is so sick. It really can be a helpless feeling for many, or if she is just plain selfish and must have been deep inside all along. That conclusion will hurt just as her vicious words did.

    I don't know anyone who has a serious chronic illness who has not ended up losing "friends" because of it. It is NOT YOU! It is the disease they are running from. I wish you could run away from it too!

    All the best to you,
    MicheleK