Ladies (or men!), need your advice-personal subject (longish)

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by daylilyfan, Nov 17, 2005.

  1. daylilyfan

    daylilyfan New Member

    I've been a member here for years.... and have read some personal stuff asked - but never thought I would have to be one of those asking!

    I'm a single woman, 47, divorced 12 years. Was married to one man, and was married 14 years. Did not know I had fibro when I divorced, but I've had it 35 years - just didn't know what the name was. It used to affect my marriage, in a personal way, as hugging hurt, and I was often to sore to "be personal" with my husband. We divorced, but it was not an ugly divorce, and I always thought we should have worked a little harder, and we could have stayed together. No kids.

    Well - after 12 years of not seeing or talking to the ex, I needed to contact him about some papers. I had a heck of a time finding him - but when we saw each other - it was like those 12 years never happened. We have been talking now, and "lightly" dating for 8 months. We don't want to make a mistake by rushing getting back together, so we have talked and talked about what went wrong etc. We have not had any physical contact during this time. Kept it strictly friends so far. He has not had any serious relationships during the time we were apart. Neither did I. We have had a great time being together so far.

    This Sunday, we are going away for 3 days. My elderly Mom lives with me, and his elderly Mom lives with him. So - we want to get away from them - and just have some fun going to different places - and out to eat etc. We want to see if there are any sparks left. If there are - we will act on them - and if not - well, maybe we were ment to be just friends. Our trip is only going to be a couple hour drive. I have booked a hotel with a 2 person "hot tub" jacuzzi in the bathroom of the room (Heck, I can't wait for that alone!) I plan to take Epsom salts, oatmeal soak - bubble bath... mmmmm... long hot soak.

    Here are my issues --- I have that darn injured shoulder - tendonitis/bursitis/partly torn rotator cuff. Am in therapy for that. PLUS, possibly RSD in it now. Just had 2 stellate ganglion nerve blocks a few days apart for that. THANK heavens, Dr. finally put me on a pain med that works - the duragesic patch. It takes the edge off - but I'm still pretty limited on use of that arm.

    Now - it's been a LONG time since I've been .... ah.... "active" with a man. Other than a couple times when a friend and I went on vacation together 8 years ago, it's really been since I was married. I'm not in the best of shape- having gained 40 lbs thanks to antidepressants and neurontin since our divorce. The Ex though, looks as good as ever... so I assume he's still pretty agile :)

    What kind of hints/advice can you all give me to make this a memorable weekend for me and to help things go well? I'd hate to wake up after the first night, and not be able to move at all. Or - have to spend two hours in the hot tub each morning before I can move - LOL! We used to have such fun in this way - and a few days of **stress relief** could be just what the Dr. ordered....

    Thanks
  2. daylilyfan

    daylilyfan New Member

    Yes, we have discussed Fibro. I have explained how it caused a lot of the health problems I used to have, what I have done to make those prolems better, and what I can look forward to happening in the future. I am not sure he totally understands 100% what Fibro is, but he does understand that what was wrong with me is a real problem, and sees how much better I am than I used to be. I never thought, even back then, that he did not believe I was in pain.

    Although he would never get awards as the worlds most understanding man about everything, he has always been far better than most.

    You know how you get all tense when you expect pain? That's what I am expecting. I don't mean vaginally - I mean in my hips, back, inner thighs... all the parts that have not been put in those positions for so long.

    Are there ways that are easier than others when you hurt like we do with Fibro?
  3. jennypee

    jennypee New Member

    I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say YAY! for you. What a very romantic story! You just made my day a good 20% brighter.

    Thanks for sharing, and good luck.


    Jennypee
  4. lovethesun

    lovethesun New Member

    Whatever makes you most comfortable.And the excitement of the weekend might pump those serotonin levels so that you don't hurt.Linda
  5. daylilyfan

    daylilyfan New Member

    Aspercreme Condoms and a Smile! Now that made my night!

    I guess I was wondering if I take a handful of flexeril **before** or will I need it more after! LOL!

    When I used to do these things when I was married, I was more "in practice"!

    And, more than 10 years younger!

    I'll really be quite happy if we just get along, have fun and do nothing but snuggle. Everything else will be a bonus.

    Perhaps I can - to lighten the mood - make a prescription on my computer up for him "to provide sex to elevate my seratonin levels to aleveate pain" LOLOLOL geez, can you tell I am a woman in my 40's who has been alone TO LONG!

    This is stuff I would be to embarrassed to ask my Dr. about - and she doesn't have Fibro - she would not know! But - thanks to this board - I can ask here!

    I do know I will have to be VERY careful to make SURE not to mix up the KY and the Ben Gay! YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  6. DLsGroovyMoM

    DLsGroovyMoM New Member

    Yeah for you...I hope things work out for you guys.

    As far as the hum...sex...I have really bad hip problems too so I know what you mean...I would suggest reading up on the advice given to pregnate women...such as side lying, and if you are into other forms of sex...like oral. For some reason it seems so weird to be writing this but it is such a natural thing and why should we give up that part of our lives?

    I also would not suggest taking a lot of meds before hand...I have done that a few times and have found that I get TOO relaxed and have to work harder to "get mine" if ya know what I mean. I usually have them ready with a drink on the headboard and take them right after.

    There is also so really nice smelling/tasting warming body oils you could get and have a massage session...Ky even makes one now but I have nerve damage and I don't feel the warming but some of the others I do...usually have to find a certin store that sells them...we really like them for the times I am just so sore but still wanna be together.

    And...if you have a hot tub go for it!! sounds fun to me

    I really hope you have a great time...you deserve it!

    Love and Hugs
    AMy
  7. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    so it's been 10 years. Needless to say I am SO jealous! LOL! Anyway, someone mentioned it I think but the
    side or his front to your back is the least painful unless you...I hope we don't get kicked off for this, would want to get on top. I didn't think I'd reply to the mechanics of it but decided that you asked and it might help you. I hope so. I agree with just relax and it's like riding a bike..I "think"..I can't really remember. LOL!
  8. daylilyfan

    daylilyfan New Member

    I hope this doesn't get yanked either. I made this post because it's something I could not ask anyone else. I'd like to rebuild this relationship. Having things go right for this mini vacation means a lot to me...... I don't want to pass out on flexeril and a hot bath --- and I don't want to be yelping in agony either! I thought asking here for any suggestions might make a difference in how the weekend went. It took some courage to post it!

    well, I guess I wasn't really asking for the "mechanics".... more like - oh, I don't know..... Like having your meds ready for after rather than taking them in advance (thanks for that advice!). Things like is it more help to have the hot bath before or after as far as fibro muscles go?

    Like I said - we may or may not end up needing to use this advice. If we BOTH are not comfortable with how we are feeling with the situation - we have agreed ahead of time that there will be no pressure - stay on friendly basis.

    I never intended for this post to get to be one of those "more than I ever needed to know" posts..... But, for once, it's fun to post about something good that's happening to me. One side of my life is that I may have RSD in my shoulder -- that is pretty awful - and terribly painful. Then, the other side is that with some work, and thought, I may be able to have some happiness and love back in my life. What a strange thing life is.

    I just want to be prepared for how I might feel the next day after it being so long that I've been alone. In other words - should I take all of my heating pads, my TENS unit with enough batteries to run 24 hours a day, 5 containers of Epsom salts and every painkiller I have in my cupboard? Or.... maybe it really won't be all that bad. Like someone said - maybe I won't even notice. That would be great! Seratonin to the rescue!

    :-0

    [This Message was Edited on 11/17/2005]
  9. DLsGroovyMoM

    DLsGroovyMoM New Member

    Didn't mean to give you too much info...I just know that this is a very important part of my life with my hubby so we have done a number of things to make it easier on me.

    So...as for what you really wanted to know...like I said have meds ready, I just can't take them b4. And me personally I would and do take my heating pad EVERYWHERE I go.

    Have a great time!
  10. stinker56

    stinker56 New Member

    I didn't mean to say too much but I do take a small amount of Xanax (about 1/2 pill an hour or so before bed) along with a relaxing shower to help loosen up my muscles. This is a very important part of my husband's and my relationship also especially since he travels all the time so when he does get home, I try to be in the best shape possible. I try not to overdo on housework, shopping, etc. Regardless of what anyone says, sex is an important part of about any marriage unless it is physically impossible. Have a wonderful time and try to relax.
    Stinker56
  11. daylilyfan

    daylilyfan New Member

    I meant that **I** gave to much info. Not you all. At this point, I can't have TOO much info. But do you all really care about my Ex and I patching things up - or trying to?

    I didn't mean to sound like I had forgotten the actual .... way things worked. I am sure it will come back to me. And, he knows I have not been active. He has not been very active in that respect either, so I am sure his techniques will be on the rusty side too. Sounds like a trip to the library or bookstore is in order for Saturday to look up about pregnant women's sex lives! I thought about taking my body pillow!

    One of my biggest "fears" is that he will be to afraid of hurting me just by touching me. One of my friends visisted yesterday from out of state. When he left, he gave me his usual bear hug. Yelp! Ouch! Agh! If this happens in the beginning of the weekend, he may lose his courage to touch me at all. I think I would be hesitant if the tables were turned. But, I don't want to try to pretend that nothing hurts!

  12. daylilyfan

    daylilyfan New Member

    I know if I had not been married to this man for all those years, I would not even attempt any contact. I would be to afraid of the pain. That's one thing that kept me from getting close to anyone all these years - I have not found anyone, but I have not gone out of my way to look. To much explaining to do about hurting and TENS units and lidoderm patches. Between us, though, things are very comfortable - and it has come time to give the waters a test. He was with me though 2 serious back injuries - and to be quite serious, it's one thing he has to work out - does he want to be with me again and deal with my health as an issue? By spending nearly 3 days together, we figure we will either drive each other nuts in a bad way --- or a good way --- and by the end of the little trip we will have a clearer idea what direction we want to go in next.

    Thanks again for all the advice. It's times like this I wish I had a brother or sister!
  13. daylilyfan

    daylilyfan New Member

    I just realized that I will need to take my meds in their original bottles - I think that is the law - and on most, I get 90 day mail order so they are in big bottles.

    I'll need an extra small suitcase just for meds, heating pad, TENS - and all the other "anti-pain" stuff!

    It's been so long since I have been away from home for a night, I didn't realize what all I have accumulated to make me feel half normal each day!
  14. jennypee

    jennypee New Member

    Of course we care! How could we all read each others' stories every day and not care? In fact, I hope you tell us all about it the second you get back! Well, not ALL about it, just the good parts. ;)
  15. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    It made my day actually, and I'm totally rooting for you and your ex. I'm cheering for the sex too, heh.

    You have 3 days together, so why not build it up and start slow. When he kisses you (or you kiss him first, to be more modern) you could just fool around, you know, like teenagers and not go all the way at first. That is really, really hot.

    We are all different in if we need painkillers, or should take painkillers, um, during. Sex is often a painkiller in itself. If it's been awhile for me (and I'm commonlaw, engaged) I will be sore after, but it's worth it. I'd much rather be sore after a good time was had by all, than just be in senseless pain from the Fibromonster. If you think of it that way, maybe you won't worry about it.

    Please let us know how it goes. I'm already dying to know. It sure sounds like sparks are going to fly, or more like they already are.


    Jeanne
  16. DLsGroovyMoM

    DLsGroovyMoM New Member

    but yes I care...or I wouldn't have answered. I think it is a great chance for one of us to beat this dd in one way, shape, or form by getting a part of your life back. I didn't really think you had "forgotten" how to do it but I know for me there are little things I just wouldn't/don't think about in certain circumstances, hences some of the ideas I gave you.

    I know we are all different. My suggestion on the meds was just another one of those "i never thought about that" things. I mean I am a nurse, I know what muscle relaxers do, and I know how sex works. but it did not occur to me at first that an extra muscle relaxer to ward off the pain was a bad idea as you need certain muscles to NOT be so relaxed ya know?

    Same for the other stuff, being pregnat was an eye opener for me and I use some of it to this day. Before I was pregnante I just never gave some of that stuff a second thought, but now it is very natural, but only because I had to go looking for answers at the time.

    I pray you have a good time and things work out for the best what ever that may be!!!

    Lovea and Hugs
    Amy
  17. Just go and relax and just enjoy, go with the flow and just take it one step at a time. If it's meant to be it will, otherwise just be friends.
  18. daylilyfan

    daylilyfan New Member

    I was gone about 12 hours.

    We went to the aquarium, checked into the hotel. Watched TV for a while. Ex seemed distant. Went to dinner. Came back. Still seemed distant. I finally pulled it out of him that he was not comfortable. Said it just "didn't feel right" and said that he thinks we should just stay friends. Said he didn't want to disappoint me, but didn't want to lie either. Wasn't feeling any sparks. I said I'd rather hear the truth than a lie. I told him the truth on my end was I was feeling pretty uncomfortable too. We decided we would feel a lot better if we just came home. So we packed up, and came home.

    I'm not sad that it didn't work out because he is my Ex.

    I am sad that it didn't work out and I will still be alone.

    I don't understand why I am always being told how nice I am, how funny, how smart, clever etc etc. I have a lot of men friends. But - somehow - they are never "interested" in me for a girlfriend. I'd love to know how to figure out why that is. I see some of my men friends with these women who are so nasty to them. Treat them terrible. And I think - how is it these women have no trouble finding men and I do? I know I am not a beautiful woman - but I am not outright ugly - sure, I am over weight, but so are about half the women in America, aren't they? Geez. And, why can't I just give up and accept it and say to heck with it and be happy alone for the rest of my life?

    I don't know if I am sad or mad.

    But, the upside is that at least I am not sore. :-0
  19. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    This was a great posting and thanks for making it.

    I was thinking that after you do make love, not to go for walks and such. Let yourself get better and enjoy it.

    You may be disappointed, and I do not blame you.....but you have no idea what might of occured to dampen his spirits. He might have some problems of some sort. I would not ask him. I would not dwell upon it.

    But if he truely wants to be friends, go for it. You apparently enjoy each others company. Maybe in time things will change. A dinner, a movie together?

    But even if nothing more happens, enjoy him and who knows, Mr. Right might be right around the corner. You are already armed with all kinds of wonderful advise and you have given this deep thought. You know the pros and cons. Maybe this is a blessing. We never know. GOOD LUCK
  20. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    i'm sorry to hear there were no sparks. What a decent man your ex must be not to just jump your bones, consider it a freebie and tell you after. most men would have done that.

    i really thought it woul d be different too. I still cant help thinking maybe the timeing was off, or that he wasn't telling you all that was on his mind. There had to have been enough sparks for you guys to plan the getaway. it's too bad you didn't suggest to just enjoy your getaway from your parental responsibilities, w/ no pressure, instead of cutting it short.

    Well, time will tell, thanks for letting us in on your romantic adventure and for the update.


    jeanne