Let's have some fun...Post your favorite joke

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by StephieBee, Sep 10, 2006.

  1. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    I thought this would brighten up the day for everyone. Maybe we can laugh for a little while...may take your mind off of the pain.

    Don't mind me...I need to go though my e-mail box to find a good one and I'll post it!

  2. Redwillow

    Redwillow New Member

    This is very long so I appologize but I love it. This is for all you cat and dogs lovers out there!

    EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
    Day number 180
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
    1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

    Day number 181
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
    1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

    Day number 182
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
    1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
    1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

    EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

    DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
    The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.

    In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.

    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
    little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."
    What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my
    teeth.

    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer.."
    More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
    The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
    every move.
    Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

    [This Message was Edited on 09/11/2006]
  3. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    Thanks for the laugh.

    I have a toy poodle and 3 cats. This joke is sooooo true! Although I would add in"

    OH BOY! TABLE SCRAPS! MY MOST FAVOURITE!

    We put our cats in another room when we have company...and the one with the cat saying the dog was "half-wit" reminded me of Garfield! LOL!!! That was funny!



  4. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    I found a good one...reminds me of myself!! Minus the energy of course! It was sent to me by my boss.


    Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
    This is how it manifests:
    I decide to water my garden.
    As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
    As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
    I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
    But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
    My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
    I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
    I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
    I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
    So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:
    1) The car isn't washed
    2) The bills aren't paid
    3) There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
    4) The flowers don't have enough water,
    5) There is still only 1 check in my check book,
    6) I can't find the remote,
    7) I can't find my glasses,
    8) And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
    Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
    GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
  5. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    became rich and famous w/ her bestselling books on male/female communication. She said that secrets were the bulding blocks of feminine friendships.

    Here's a joke from a book over half a century old that expresses the same idea.


    One woman to another: Why, no, I didn't tell anyone. I didn't know it was a secret.
  6. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH:

    1. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE MY PURSE IS.

    2. I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING MY BUTT
    WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND?

    3. I'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY
    BELIEVE I COULD DO IT TOO.

    4. IN MY LAST TRIP TO PEE, I REALIZE I NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS
    HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS I WAS JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

    5. I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR (WHICH I'M
    EATING EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON
    EATING
    IT.

    6. I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I LOVE THEM SOOOOO
    MUCH.

    7. I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG
    PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

    8. I'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO ME.

    9. THE MAN I'M FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER.

    10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND
    SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING.

    11. MY EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO I KEEP
    THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.

    12. I'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

    13. I YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO (I THINK) CHEATED ME BY GIVING ME JUST
    LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

    14. I THINK I'M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN
    FLOOR

    15. I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE
    WRONG WAY BUT..."

    16. I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN I SIT ON IT.

    17. MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.

    18. I'M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE
    STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.

    19. I BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON MY BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUTDOWN
    ON THE TIME I'M IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM MY DRINK.

    20. I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT I'M
    HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
  7. TerryS

    TerryS Member

    The dog/cat diaries are soooo true!!!

    Here's my favorite joke. BUT, I've yet to find anyone besides myself and my sister who think it's funny! First time I heard it, I laughed for 30 minutes...goes to show my sense of humor, I guess:

    Q What did Tarzen say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

    A Here come the elephants!!!

    Q What did Tarzen say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on?

    A He didn't say anything...he didn't recognize them!


    TerryS
  8. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    I must be your sister. I thought it was a riot.


    Stephie

    I believe I once had a date w/ your friend.


    (Just one.)
  9. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    He loves to send me Italian jokes because Im Italian (he obviously isnt!) If it does offend you, just tell me and i'll delete it. It is not vulgar or anything.
    ------------------------------------------------------------


    ITALIAN STYLE PIG STORY .....

    The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

    Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

    One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

    So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

    Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

    So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

    So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

    A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

    The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

    "Those were my cousins from Rhode Island... the Guinea Pigs"!!!

    [This Message was Edited on 09/11/2006]
  10. charlenef

    charlenef New Member

    the engagement ring the wedding ring and the suffering lol charlene
  11. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    That is funny! She is actually my ex-friend.

    She is the one that stole my pain meds. Sorry to post a non-joke!

    These are funny. Ill keep looking in the archives!!
  12. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    Things I Hate About People


    1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

    2. People who are willing to get off their a$$ to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

    3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

    4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their a$$es! !

    5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the dang (edited) floor.

    6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

    7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

    8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest dang (edited) thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

    9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumba$$?


    [This Message was Edited on 09/11/2006]
  13. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide.
    The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
    The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,
    "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail ... all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!"
    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
    "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
  14. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

    Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

    After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.

    That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!

    There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the

    rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

    The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

    Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

    Then she hands the bottle to the man.

    The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

    The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

    The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

    MORAL OF THE STORY:
  15. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    >Divorced Barbie
    >
    >One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
    >it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
    >salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
    >
    >The
    salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
    >$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie
    >for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for $265.95
    >
    >The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
    >the others only $19.95?"
    >
    >The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
    >with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's
    >Computer and...One of Ken's Friends.
  16. Redwillow

    Redwillow New Member

    Thanks for the giggles! I loved the pharmasist one! and the one about the car crash.... love em all!

    hugs Marion (Redwillow)

  17. StephieBee

    StephieBee New Member

    > CAKE OR BED
    >
    > A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE
    > INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?IT'S BEEN
    > FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
    >
    > HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK
    > LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
    >
    > "FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
    > IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
    >
    > TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?" "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
    > WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
    >
    > "FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT
    > DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."
    >
    > "I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS." HE SAYS,
    > "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T
    > THINK SO. I'VE HA D ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"
    >
    > SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF
    > HOURS.................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY
    > ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS
    > INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE
    > ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET
    > A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
    >
    > "HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
    >
    > SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A
    > NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME, "WHAT WAS WRONG?" I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO
    > DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM
    > OR BAKE A CAKE."
    >
    > HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
    >
    > SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY
    > FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    (This one is sooooo true!!!)


    Only in America
    Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes right up front.

    Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and then top it all off with a DIET coke because they're concerned about their weight

    Do banks leave the doors open and then chain the pens to the counter.

    Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have "call waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place.

    Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    Do we use the word "Politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" (from Latin) means "many", and "tics", meaning blood-sucking pests.

    Do banks have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
    ------------------------------------------------------------

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

    "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
    "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?
    " Moses," replied the bird.
    "Moses?" the burglar laughed.
    "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
    "The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."


  18. TerryS

    TerryS Member

    Steph - LOVE your jokes! Keep 'em coming. Laughter is GOOD MEDICINE!

    Rock - I used to try to tell people that Tarzan joke...I would start laughing in the middle and couldn't catch my breath. Of course, then they would start laughing in anticipation...

    When I finally managed to get through it, they always seemed disappointed! BUT they still got their laugh watching me try to tell the joke!

    TerryS
  19. shar6710

    shar6710 New Member

    I'm laughing so hard. A friend just sent this one to me today:

    The Bathtub Test

    It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


    DID YOU PASS THE TEST, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

  20. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    tasteful jokes. Well, if they're too tasteful they won't be humerous.

    Yes, even when I was a kid that saying about your cake and eat it too bothered me. It seemed to me if you ate it you had it!

    But a lot of sayings don't stand up to analysis. My sister recently told me she bought a cheap lamp and it didn't work. Well, she said, You get what you pay for.

    Wrong. You paid for a lamp that would work. You DIDN'T get what you paid for.

    "What goes around comes around." I guess this comforts some people, but what does it mean? How long do you have to wait? Are you talking about retribution before or after death? How will you know if it came around? What good will it do you if it does?

    Just points to ponder.

    Ok, let's see if I can find a joke in my old jokebook.

    Here's one attributed to John Barrymore. "The best way to fight w/ a woman is to use your hat.

    "Grab it and run."