Discussion in 'Homebound/Bedbound' started by Willow77, Nov 16, 2015.
I need to learn how to size these things.
I also learned that these are called memes.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they’ve gone to Florida for the winter."
A nice collection, Willow. That tiger pic is really dramatic, isn't it?
I don't understand the Starbucks joke. Maybe it because I'm not a
coffee drinker. And even if I were, I wouldn't go to Starbucks. Too
expensive and too trendy.
Here are some jokes I found in the Reader's Digest. I don't really think
they've been abridged though.
Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my nine-year-old son down and broke
the news to him. "I'm going to be away for a long time," I told him. "I'm going
to Iraq." "Why?" he asked. "Don't you know there's a war going on over there?"
It was an absolutely crazy evening at our emergency clinic. The doctor on duty
was being bombarded with questions, given forms to fill out, and even asked for
his dinner order. I was in the next room, cleaning up a sutured wound, when I
realized the doctor hadn't given instructions for a bandage. "What kind of dressing
do you want on that?" I shouted through the door. "Ranch," he yelled back.
A woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy along with her seven-
year-old son. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked,
"Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?" "What do you say?" she said.
He replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached into her purse and
gave her son the money.
We rushed our eight-year-old son Roger to the emergency room with a terrible
cough, high fever, and vomiting. The doctor did an exam, then asked Roger what
bothered him the most. After thinking it over, Roger said hoarsely, "I would have
to say my little sister."
A friend and I were hitchhiking, but no one would stop. "Maybe it's our long hair,
" I joked. With that, my friend scrawled on a piece of cardboard: "Going to the
barber's." Within seconds we had our ride.
(This joke sounds like it might be from the 60s.)
We had just finished listening to a Simon and Garfunkel tune when my
young daughter asked, "Well, did he?" "Did he what?" I asked back. "Did
Parsley save Rosemary in time?" (Maybe from the 60s.)
Driving with my two young boys to a funeral, I tried to prepare them by talking
about burial and what we believe happens after death. The boys behaved well
during the service. But at the grave site, I discovered my explanations weren't
as thorough as I'd thought. In a loud voice, my four-year-old asked, "Mom?"
"Yes," I whispered. "What's in the box?"
My husband loves Starbucks coffee and when they take your order they ask your name and write it on the cup so when your order is ready they call out your name to come to the counter to pick it up.
Some baristas, just to give the customer a hard time, will put the wrong name on the cup so after awhile my husband would tell them the name they usually wrote on the cup when he ordered.
Real writeups in Air Force "781" Aircraft Maintenance Forms, and the "innovative" solutions of Air Force aircraft maintenance technicians:
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
And finally a quote from Erma Bombeck
He who laughs ... lasts.
ERMA BOMBECK, Forever, Erma
I remember Erma. About half a century ago my Aunt Ferdy gave me one of
her books. I had never heard of Erma. Eventually I read all her
books including the serious one "I Want to Grow Hair, etc."
Here are some more Erma quotes.
Seize the moment. Don't be like those women on the Titanic who waved off
the dessert cart.
My thoughts about housework: if it doesn't multiple, smell, catch fire or
block the refrigerator door, let it be.
And from Gilda Radner, "I'd rather be a woman than a man. We can cry, wear
cute clothes, and are first to be saved from sinking ships."
And from that famous source "Anonymous" aka "Unknown": Few women admit
their age. Few men act it.
And here's another Anonymous: So the preacher asked, "Do you take this man
for richer or poorer?" And I said, "For Richer. I don't know why everybody
Four things I'd be better off without.
Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turkey
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment ..... halftime.
Hope your Turkey is moist and your stuffing in fluffy and when you're done eating you'll be nice and stuffy.
A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.
From Jokes 4 us
Nice turkey jokes, Willow. Reminds me of the gal at the supermarket who
was searching for a suitable bird. Asked the clerk who was walking by, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?"
"Don't think so Ma'am. They look pretty dead to me."
Did you know Benjamin Franklin thought the turkey was a better
American symbol than the eagle? Now that I think on it, Stan Freberg
did a monologue on the topic of the first Thanksgiving. I used to have
that record. (You can hear it on Youtube.)
Here are some bits of wisdom I found on a wisdom site. Or was it a
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Any home improvement or repair job will require at
least two trips to the hardware store.
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
My mother believed that last last one.
Oops. Computer is failing. Gotta go.
Separate names with a comma.