Long-time lurker needs some support tonight

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ohsandohs, Sep 27, 2002.

  1. ohsandohs

    ohsandohs New Member

    My life seems to be dissolving into a puddle. I'm crying and can't seem to stop. I always felt like I had found some balance between this DD and life as it needs to met everyday. My husband has always been a lot of help physically, but it has taken me this long to realize that he resents the hell out of me and this DD (mostly me though) for needing the help. I have been having a hard time coping over the last six months or so - a long slide down into one of my worst valleys since becoming ill. And the tension in our relationship has been escalating along with my slide. I'm realizing now that it has been there pretty much all along - and where we are now is a place that I thought our previously-somewhat-healthy relationship would not take us.

    I'm devastated that my husband does not realize how disrespectful and resentful he is with me, even when I bring his attention to it. He snaps at me all the time. I told him tonight that he makes sure that each time that he does something for me that I know how much he resents it and that everything that he does do, is not freely given. I also told him that because of this, I "pay" for whatever he "gives" to me. And I said that because of this, he is much more of a taker than a giver. (This is completely out of context - I couldn't cover here everything that is/was said.)

    Appointments with a marriage counselor are in the works, in case anyone suggests it. Unfortunately, you can never get in to the good ones right away, when you need to, so we'll have to wait. I've been going to counseling regularly since 1990, we have done some joint counseling off and on and he has occasionally done some individual counseling during this time frame. My husband does not keep his commitments to keep up the work in counseling. He keeps dropping out. What he has shared with me, after his appointments (inappropriately) is his resentment over what the counselor told him he cannot say to or do with me, because of my own history with an abusive father. My take on what he has repeatedly said to me after his counseling appointments, is that he believes it is my fault that we have "issues" and that he is relatively blameless. His refusal to work on his own stuff (believe me, I stay out of it and don't ask questions or dig about whatever he is working on the few times he has had some continuous counseling) seems to happen everytime he is making personal headway.

    I believe our marriage is dying (or dead) because of his own unwillingness to take responsibility for his own incredibly messed-up family background combined with projected resentment against me because I have continued to do this hard, emotional work on myself. He, when given the opportunity, has continually dropped the ball and bunted out on the process, while continuing to resent me for the difficulties in our lives. I have been unwilling to work on the marriage with him WHILE he is unwilling to work on his own stuff, because of this element of blame that keeps coming up.


    (I posted this accidentally, while I was trying to decide whether or not to post it. I guess my Higher Power thought I should post it. I don't know what else to add - I'm just really hurting right now.)

    Michelle[This Message was Edited on 09/28/2002]
  2. ohsandohs

    ohsandohs New Member

    My life seems to be dissolving into a puddle. I'm crying and can't seem to stop. I always felt like I had found some balance between this DD and life as it needs to met everyday. My husband has always been a lot of help physically, but it has taken me this long to realize that he resents the hell out of me and this DD (mostly me though) for needing the help. I have been having a hard time coping over the last six months or so - a long slide down into one of my worst valleys since becoming ill. And the tension in our relationship has been escalating along with my slide. I'm realizing now that it has been there pretty much all along - and where we are now is a place that I thought our previously-somewhat-healthy relationship would not take us.

    I'm devastated that my husband does not realize how disrespectful and resentful he is with me, even when I bring his attention to it. He snaps at me all the time. I told him tonight that he makes sure that each time that he does something for me that I know how much he resents it and that everything that he does do, is not freely given. I also told him that because of this, I "pay" for whatever he "gives" to me. And I said that because of this, he is much more of a taker than a giver. (This is completely out of context - I couldn't cover here everything that is/was said.)

    Appointments with a marriage counselor are in the works, in case anyone suggests it. Unfortunately, you can never get in to the good ones right away, when you need to, so we'll have to wait. I've been going to counseling regularly since 1990, we have done some joint counseling off and on and he has occasionally done some individual counseling during this time frame. My husband does not keep his commitments to keep up the work in counseling. He keeps dropping out. What he has shared with me, after his appointments (inappropriately) is his resentment over what the counselor told him he cannot say to or do with me, because of my own history with an abusive father. My take on what he has repeatedly said to me after his counseling appointments, is that he believes it is my fault that we have "issues" and that he is relatively blameless. His refusal to work on his own stuff (believe me, I stay out of it and don't ask questions or dig about whatever he is working on the few times he has had some continuous counseling) seems to happen everytime he is making personal headway.

    I believe our marriage is dying (or dead) because of his own unwillingness to take responsibility for his own incredibly messed-up family background combined with projected resentment against me because I have continued to do this hard, emotional work on myself. He, when given the opportunity, has continually dropped the ball and bunted out on the process, while continuing to resent me for the difficulties in our lives. I have been unwilling to work on the marriage with him WHILE he is unwilling to work on his own stuff, because of this element of blame that keeps coming up.


    (I posted this accidentally, while I was trying to decide whether or not to post it. I guess my Higher Power thought I should post it. I don't know what else to add - I'm just really hurting right now.)

    Michelle[This Message was Edited on 09/28/2002]
  3. weezo

    weezo New Member

    lots of hugs to you. I can relate how you feel but have no answers
  4. Magnolia

    Magnolia New Member

    Counselling is definitely indicated.

    If he refuses to even attempt any change in his behavior, cut your losses and bid him farewell.

    In the meantime, you need to speak with your Higher Power, which I am hoping is God Almighty, to show you the way you need to go. It may be His will that you save yourself and recognize that this marriage is a serious mistake.

    I know that it is little consolation, but I have been where you are and I do feel your pain and confusion and frustration and look forward to a resolution to the horrid life you are being forced to live.

    Sincerely,
    Magnolia
  5. G

    G New Member

    I wonder if one of his problems is that he misses the person you were before the illness had begun to take it's toll on you. Maybe he's grieving for the person he knew and is having an difficult time with it. Maybe he needs to find another outlet for his anger at this illness and not you as the outlet.

    I know that my husband too had an hard time with it but he writes his anger and grieving in poems. He wrote on about what he missed about me and it made him sad. It is beautiful and I love him dearly and understand where he also heartbroken because of the illness.

    Today, he's doing so much better and we try to use humor to help us through an difficult moment, hour or day.

    Hope this helps a little. Do the therapy and talking helps. Wishing you all the best.

    G
  6. Thella

    Thella New Member

    I feel so sorry for you and your husband.
    Is there someplace you could go for a weekend without him. It would give you a chance to think and maybe get a new perspective on life.
    It would also let him see how much he misses you (sick or not)
    It is just a thought.
    Thella
  7. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    hurting along with everything else. i think most spouses do resent this dd, it is something they can not fix! then they think we should be jumping up and down everytime they do something for us, they keep a track record, we don't (heck, we can't remember what we did yesterday!)

    the thing that hurt me the most is my spouse told me he wasn't sure he was cut out to be a fibrohusband. imagine the hurt i felt. so, i think a lot of spouses have a very hard time dealing with the fms or cfs and counseling is a big plus. (of course mine doesn't go, says doesn't need it, ha!)

    it is hard to have to work on yourself emotionally everyday, and then have to be make all the efforts with your spouse. if he keeps dropping the ball, let it roll on down the hill..... maybe you need to be up there by yourself. just a thought.

    i hope all the replies make it easier for you in your time of need and reaching out to see there are a lot of us in your boat helps.

    warm regards, fibolady
    [This Message was Edited on 09/28/2002]
  8. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    i can relate-my husband and i are separated right now and my DD's are a big stressor in our marriage and a very hard teenager to deal with.

    He has been working out of town across the country now for a few months and we are talking on the phone and things are better at times and then I can hear his resentment and anger over my troubles.

    right now I am fighting to get STD approved because of a knee injury that was caused by an accident at work, they declined my WC claim and now it is in their court(disability) and he is always after me because it is in his eyes something I did not do or do right-i have spent a minimum of 3 hours a day on the phone and faxing and answering questions to try and get this approved until I can get back in shape from knee surgery I had on friday of last week. I lost my job due to too many absences and was out of FMLA so the day my disability started, they fired me-so I am in the fight of my life trying to get some money coming in.

    He makes good money and is supporting us with no problem, just a bit tight-but thank god I have him to fall back on. Just keep the lines of communication open-one thing we have done is started a jouirnal we send back and forth writing our real fealings and fears down-only rule is we cannot discuss it anywhere but in the journal-it has helped us to see how the other one is really felling through all this.

    I hope you guys can work through this. I am alone post op with a very high maintence teenager whom also has fms and depression and is recovering from lyme disease from tick bite this summer. soccer games, etc etc-my house is so filthy and I cannot get to it because I am not allowed on my leg much and feel guilty to ask for anymore help from my daughter due to her own illnesses. Friends are trying to help, but we have been planning a big clean up over here for about 2 weeks now and nothing has worked out.

    Life is sometimes very hard if not unbearable, but you have got to press on and do the best you can without over doing it, or you will just make yourself more ill from the stress.

    hang in there, I have walked a few miles in your shoes and know that it does not feel good.

    in friendship

    cathy

    do not know if you pray or believe in god, but he is the only reason I am here and if you do not mind I will pray for you-it couldn't hurt :)
  9. toniad

    toniad New Member

    hi michele, good job on owning your stuff and taking care of that stuff. that takes a lot of courage. somehow, it seems to me that some people refuse to admit they have any "stuff" at all. i have an ex like this, it was always my stuff that hurt us? i don't think he could face his own truths. he always said it was my insecurity, or my codependency or whatever else of MINE that he could point to that caused our problems.

    i hope you were able to at least talk since that post and get some of it out with him. maybe the counselor can help? i hope!

    as you probably know, some people are just incapable of rigorous honesty that recovery/counseling requires. i've found that people who call me "sick", are usually much worse off emotionally than i am.

    good luck to you!
    tonia d.
  10. herblady

    herblady New Member

    marital counseling can be a big help but it takes time. we're in marital couseling at this time. i don't know if it will work. we've been married 27 years and have needed counseling for 27 years. cindi
  11. LisaMay

    LisaMay New Member

    I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. But I support you any way I can.

    Gentle hugs and healing thoughts. Lisa
  12. ohsandohs

    ohsandohs New Member

    I have only just now been able to check in and see if anybody had any cyberhugs or wisdom or been-there-done-thats for me, and I am truly touched by what you all have shared with me. For those of you praying for me, thank you. For those of you who didn't know what to say, but who posted support anyway, thank you. And for those of you who speak from experience with this DD within a marriage or long-term relationship, thank you.

    I feel heard, understood and truly supported and I honor each of you for reaching out.

    Things are still in upheaval and I am praying for guidance. There is still tenderness in my heart for this man and for the heart that may still be in this marriage, but seems to be buried right now. So, I'll just put one foot in front of the other and try to get to counseling with him before dusting my hands of the relationship as it stands. I have fourteen (mostly pretty good) years invested in this marriage and a six year old daughter who adores her dad, so I don't want to make any rash decisions. But I WILL take care of myself and my child and make the hard choice if I have to.

    Blessings to you all,

    Michelle