Lost another friend because of Fibro

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by hob, Aug 17, 2006.

  1. hob

    hob New Member

    hi all,

    so I know it happens to us all, but my very best friend just told me she can't be friends with me anymore because I only focus on myself and she can't depend on me for support. It hurts so much that she feels this way but on the bad days it takes all my energy just to function. She says she understands my fibro but she then turns around and says I am just too self-focused. I don't know what to do.
    Any advice?
  2. code34me

    code34me New Member

    Sadley it is my husband that needs to be weeded out here. He is the one that makes me more sick and makes me feel bad about myself. He comes through the door at night and the anxiety just flows with me and my daughter:(

    Codey
  3. Amy143

    Amy143 New Member

    Hi There... yes I completely understand. I have had fibromyalgia since early 1996, in my 11th year.. I have lost many friends and family due to this. I even had one Aunt who said I faked it for attention.OMG! Which is crazy, because I used to be a professional model... and had plenty of attention.

    Let your friend go. When one door closes, another opens! I always have someone new and better come in after the yuck left. Seriously, anyone who gives up on a friend like that is weak and not good enough for you anyway~ Let it go... because there WILL be a day when you over come everything and you are on top of your game and you never forget the people who left your side... and they will shocked to see that you survived and then... they will need your help with their illness and what will you say??? :)

    And by the way, you can vent all you want. You have alot to vent about. Fibro is harsher than cancer in my eyes and most I have met. Doctors gave up on me a long time ago.... Thank god I am still alive, this thing has taken me to my knees but I am still fighting it... and yes it did get better at some point, and now it is back.
    I pray alot, I eat all raw foods now, organic, I only drink Fiji or Evian water, I drink about 1 gallon a day of it....I stay away from stress as much as I can/smoke and any negative energy and I do alittle yoga, and take Mag-Malate and some other supplements also...

    There are many theories to Fibro and why certain people get it... but I will not get into those yet.. Since I am a veteran with dealing with this ravaging illness... I do have alot to share..:) so I hope you will be open to that... I am here to cure this thing, NOT live with it..
    and yes I did cure it 2x and it came back...and there is an answer that I believe to be true as why.

    I will pray for you- Yes, it messes with the mind badly...
    But I know you will be ok~

    Blessings to you~ Amy :)
  4. Empower

    Empower New Member

    No advice, but God forbid that they developed some kind of disabling disease like us.

    I am sure WE would have sympathy for them
  5. bluestanglady

    bluestanglady New Member

    I have to agree with another poster who posted, GRG1988. Not that I'm saying this is what is causing your friend to say goodbye (because I don't know you and I'm can't judge you), but I have met people who all they want to do is talk about how bad they're feeling, every procedure they're having done, every bodily function (gross, etc) they're experiencing and I try to stay away from people like that.

    I too have FM and other chronic pain problems, but I don't tell people. I don't dwell on it. The only person who knows how I really feel is my husband (and then only when it's really bad) and my sister (because she'll ask me).

    Some friends I don't have anymore simply because when I first starting the symptoms, even my best friend told someone she thought I was faking it to get attention. Sure, I want attention so bad that I lose my business and rupture a disk in my neck to have surgery. That type of friend I don't need.

    Plus now I don't like to go out like I used to and therefore, I'll go to lunch with a friend but not shopping all day. Usually I'll do that by myself so I can take breaks when I need to.

    Since your friend says you're too self-focused, I have to ask -- when the two of you talk, do you talk about FM and how you're feeling every time you talk? People do get tired to hearing about problems all the time. My MIL is a great example of that. My husband and I hate to be around her because you can't carry on a normal converation because it's interrupted with her moaning and groaning and telling us about her latest bout with something. After a while, you begin to ignore her and not take her seriously. (Sort of like the boy who cried wolf).

    Talk to your friend and ask her what she REALLY means. Ask her point-blank if you talk about how bad you're feeling every time the two of you talk. If she's truly your best friend, you should be able to talk about it. If she says that is what is happening, perhaps you don't even realize you're doing it and the two of you can come to an understanding that when you do start in on how you're feeling, she has permission to gently say something.

    It's tough to lose a best friend and I think you need to find out what the real problem is.

    I'm sorry if this post bothers you, but we're on here to help each other and sometimes people don't realize how much they're focusing on FM ALL the time with others.

    ((HUGS))

    B~~~
  6. zion1971

    zion1971 New Member

    i would talk to your friend about what she means specifically. i am so guilty of talking too much about my problems. it is killing my marriage. i understand how difficult getting through the day can be with cfs and fms. but i believe we need to reach a place where we are graceful sufferers, only venting with others when absolutely necessary. regulary venting should be done with a counselor or on this site. the rest of the world has not been given the grace to understand us. no amount of explaining, venting, or crying will change this. our unbelieving friends and family are not bad people, this illness is just hard in every way. they don't have the capacity to give us what we need.

    this may be hard to hear, myself included, but i believe we have to find a way to be our own support and encouragement. hope i helped. hang in there. (and remember, everything i said goes for me too. i am struggling with this very thing now. people don't call me or want to talk to me anymore. i don't blame them. i whine and complain too much.)
  7. laura3951

    laura3951 New Member

    you know i feel compelled to write i have ra and one of my closest friensds and i are on our way out, i dont feel i talk only of my disease but i am not the same person, able to go shoping or out at night like i used to do my funds are limited and so is my energy plus i just got diagnosed so this is all new to me, how to live trying different meds etc.how shallow to have a best friend be inconvieneced by my disease! this is supposed to be a lifelong frienship with its ups and downs well this is my down.i am appaled at people who cant stand the complaining!if we are proactivethan we have the right to vent! i understand that i shouldnt monopalize the conversation, with every symptom but i am scared. i think we learn through different situations who our friens really are. and if we in turn are good friends then this shouldnt be an issue.i am glad to not waste anymore vauable time an a personwho needs me to be superfical. thanks for hearing me out missy
  8. Michelle_NZ

    Michelle_NZ New Member

    I'm really sorry about your friend. I think many of us go through this when we get sick. I have been surrounded by disbelief and disinterest since getting ill. There are some people who I thought I could count on, who just have not been there for me.

    My best friend has been to visit me once in the 6 months that have passed since I became too sick to work.

    I have learnt one of the harsh realities of life - most people just don't care about anyone other than themselves. They are "too busy" to care.

    I know its hard, but I think we just need to let these people go.

    Take care
    Michelle

  9. butterfly8

    butterfly8 New Member

    I think a lot of people lose friends when they are sick for so long - irrespective of the illness. Having a long term sick friend is difficult.

    Two points to consider

    1. perhaps people should aim for quality, not quantity, in friendships.

    2. perhaps sick people should not try to get everything they need from their friends, which they sometimes do try to do - friends have their own problems. It is very easy for long term, really ill, people to expect too much from friends. (I do not mean that this applies to you, it might well apply to your 'best friend' as well/ instead) I am not explaining this second point very well, I'm afraid. I do know that I have to 'manage/discipline' myself around my friends so that I do not expect more than they can give - even if I would really like more.

    Hope this rambling might be of some help.
  10. hob

    hob New Member

    I have spent a lot of time talking to this friend since I posted this response and basically the problem is that she is tired of hearing how good I am doing physically, mentally, and sprirtually. I have finally found a dr that has helpped so much that my husband and I were about to follow our dream of moving to Florida. She is still in Oregon where I was. I have helped this friend get through a broken engagement, the loose of famiy members, school and the daily hardships of depression. I have made her basically a sister by sharing my family because her's is other states. I am known by others not to toot my own horn but I have been known to help anyone that needs it which can be detrimental to my health :). I just feel that because she was there before I was sick and during the worst part she just doesn't know or care to know the new me because hey we all change with the DD. Thanks for the support so far. Does anyone have an idea of where to go from here?
  11. JaneMarieIsHere

    JaneMarieIsHere New Member

    The most disturbing and disruptive part of this illness has been the inability to maintain frienships. You break enough plans you stop making them, you wait until you are feeling "up" to make calls and you find it has been weeks/months since you spoke to friends. Before long.....you notice you have lost your whole circle. I thank God for the internet.........it seems to be the only answer I have found to stay connected to humans. An illness for the times........I guess.
  12. hob

    hob New Member

    We are a rare breed and being over achivers we don't like letting things go. I have left it to as this... though you think differently you are jealous that I can survive and succeed. You have had to survive very difficult things over your life and you too are strong feel free to push me away if you don't want to be reminded of a true life warrior. I will be here this is something you have to resolve for yourself because this is me in my purest person created thus far.

    thank you all so very much for the support! I swear if this site didn't exsist and I didn't have you guys I wouldn't be doing so well. thank so very much!
  13. MsE

    MsE New Member

    Some of our relatives and friends are very good at supporting us, listening when we need to vent, etc. Others can't handle it at all. I think most people have to experience a chronic illness of their own before they truly "get it." So, I have learned to limit my comments about CFIDS to my sis, who has MS and truly understands, and one good friend, who suffers from food sensitivities that cause her grief. It took be a long, long time to realize that I had to zip a lip with most folks when it comes to discussing CFIDS. They don't want to hear.
  14. aenimus

    aenimus New Member

    sometimes this is the worst part of this disorder, that it is so hard to maintain friends and such, because friendships depend much (i find) on going out, being social, drinking alcohol (arrgh) and others things which we just cannot manage, which makes us feel more isolated and thus depressed, and more fatigued. and in my experience, people with ME/CFS/FIBRO are some of the most friendly people!
    I understand where you are coming from. I have kept in contact with few friends over the years. and I know I am not naturally anti social - i love spending time with people ... but alot of the time i cannot manage going out, or even having friends over! so frustrating!
    anyway, im sending you hugs ... i'm sure you are a great person, and worthy of many friends
    Emma-Kate
  15. Jgavi

    Jgavi New Member

    ...you need to!!

    it is hard-,super hard- but everyone of us have gone through this- some more than others---it still hurts a bunch becuz you question so much-----were they ever a friend??? did i do more for them than they did for me? (i bet you say yes!-they dont like this becuz now your not there to help them!!!)

    ---i have lost 3 best-friends , i had 6--thats a bunch- some only have one or two---i am down to 3. the 1st one wsa a frienD of 20 years, but looking at it over a period of time it wasnt that much of a shock- he IS a weak person and when he said to me at the end of our friendship "your not there for me any more, your different" i knew what a selfish, weak, stupid person! I AM SICK! most dont get it that we dont have a cold and can shake it off!

    he is sad case of a human...i was there all the time for him and supported him all the time----but after he walked it hurt--but he has problems ..i turned it around fast---used my energy i use to use on him on ME and other sick-os!
    SICKK PEOPLE ARE COOL!!

    ..the next two FRIENDS are just weak - raised poorly and no huge shock they cant absorb the serious chronic illness i have...- it still hurts but quickly YOU must shake it off!
    ---but remember your most likely stronger than they are!

    its a blessing----stay with the sick people here and in face-2-face support groups!
    SICK PEOPLE ARE COOL!

    its a weakness....they dont know how to handle you SELFISH people out number the strong people--thats why there are more rich than poor----strong people have more in life----its a human animal thing---bad breeding is the problem for most human weakness--i always had picked weaker people to be my best friends---it made me feel stronger---not a healthy thing to do but that my WEAKNESS------- using the weaker human animal to be around me!

    now the ones that are around me are more on my level---smart wise----thats why they are still around---they also have been sick with a chronic illness- 1 is still sick---1 never was sick and the other one had a sickness for about a year---sothats my spin on it!
    jgavi
  16. NannyG

    NannyG New Member

    Just read response and saw filthy language used. I don't appreciate this. One thing that bothers me is dirty language, no matter how bad one feels. Lets clean it up.
    [This Message was Edited on 08/24/2006]
  17. hob

    hob New Member

    It is so incredible that we have the ability to contact eachother when times like this one happen. If I didn't have all of you I think I would really be struggling with all of this a lot more than I am. Thank you thank you thank you. Ironically I was at the pool the other night and met this gal who just moved to florida like myself and has fibro. Go figure. I hope that maybe her and I can become friends. God works in wonderful ways!! lots of love!
  18. skirkham

    skirkham New Member

    Hi Im new to all this. I just got diagnosed about 3 weeks ago after 6 years of testing. Im very lucky because my husband and kids (11 & 13) are wonderful. I have been having extremely bad spells more and more in the last few months. When I get home from work my husband will have supper ready and me a straw for my drink so I dont have to pick up my glass. He will help me get my showers and dress for bed. He works nights so when he is off he is washing clothes or dishes or changing sheets on the beds. He has been an great emotional support all these years too. We will be married 15 years this Feb. But there are family members that dont understand and dont care to, just keep saying there is nothing wrong with me. Even with the total personality change in the last 6 years. Let me know if there is any thing I can do to help your husband understand.
    Sharon