Lyme humor... we need it...

Discussion in 'Lyme Disease Archives' started by victoria, Jun 24, 2010.

  1. victoria

    victoria New Member

    I don't know who wrote this or how I got it, but thought it was funny. If anyone knows who wrote it, please let us know who gets the credit:

    The Lyme Disease Shop...Just Down The Road From The Lyme Disease Store!

    Now, coming to a tick town near you! Come have a look at The Lyme Disease Shop, the one-stop, find-it-all hop from your home in Tickville.

    Below, find some of the amazing products we have on sale this week:

    Linus Blanket--Embroidered with everybody's favorite Peanuts' character's name, Linus, just to remind you that you're not the only one who finds solace and comfort in sucking your thumb and dragging your blankie about the house.

    Toilet Roll Tree--Compact, so that it fits in the bathroom. Fifty limbs provide fifty spots for the toilet rolls you go through so fast as a result of your tears, herxing and coffee enemas. Now, there's always enough toilet paper in the house!

    Costco Membership--So you can buy those fifty rolls of toilet paper without going bankrupt.

    Cilantro Chia Pet--Who says that cilantro has to be contaminated? Now, you can grow the stuff yourself with our deer or cattle-shaped Chia pet, which is guaranteed to grow enough cilantro for over ten years of heavy metal chelation. Just don't forget to get some chlorella to go with that cilantro!

    The Blow-Up Friends--No, these folks don't blow up at you; they blow up FOR you, into life-size plastic dolls, guaranteed to keep you company through your loneliest days with Lyme disease. For an extra two hundred bucks, get a Sympathetic Susy or Talking Tarence to help you through the really tough times. They are pre-programmed with some of the best advice around for dealing with your stinking Lyme lot. Tarence will even cry for you if you push the right button. Yeah, you might need a drink or two to really believe these guys can offer you any real form of companionship, but hey, isn't it better than being totally alone?

    Internal Dynamite--When you're just so fed up and will do anything to get rid of the suckers in your body.

    Lyme Gumball Machine--Now, you can take your favorite antibiotic, anti-depressant or any pill that simply makes you happier, in the form of a colorful gum ball! Our new, patented Pill-Made-Into-A-Gumball technology can take any drug, herb or supplement and make it to look and taste identical to your favorite chewing gum. What better way to fool yourself into thinking you are getting a marvelous treat?

    Pseudo Chocolate Cake--Made of sturdy, brown chocolaty, gluten-free who-knows-what, this slice of dessert is even more capable than the Lyme gum balls of tricking you into thinking that you are getting some yummy stuff in your diet. Enjoy chocolate without the sugar--just don't ask us what it's really made of. We're not sure but we think we eliminated most food allergies from the recipe.

    Adrenaline in a Water Bottle- When your adrenals poop out on you, have a swig of this stellar beverage. Proven to be more effective at ATP creation than any sports drink on the market, take it to the gym and observe the envious gazes of others who wonder how in the heck you've managed two hours on the Stairmaster.

    Plastic Smiles--On sale! Five hundred for fifteen dollars. Just paste one on your face when borrelia is kicking to you to the floor, and the last thing you want to do is smile for others. Exceptionally useful for when someone exclaims, "But you look so good!"

    "But I Look SO Good!" Campaign T-Shirts--Speaking of that little phrase that we have all heard ten million times, don't you think it's about time Lyme disease sufferers started protesting against its overuse by humanity? Get your friends and family to re-think this subtly damaging phrase, which tends to invalidate your pain and implies that you must be a hypochondriac.

    Plush Ticks--Squeeze the life out of 'em, whenever you are having a bad day. Made of plush, biodegradable, non-toxic, no-nonsense material, you can spill your tear-induced boogers all over them, without worrying about permanent damage to their bodies. And even if you have a horrible Jarisch-herxheimer day and decide to light 'em on fire, they won't contaminate the environment with their fumes.

    Digestive Enzyme Doll--When your guts just can't get the green veggies down, send your food down the mouth of this marvelous contraption. She'll digest even the most difficult of proteins, leaving the remains in a nice, neat pile for you to later ingest. You think this is gross? Don't you know that some animals digest food for their young? So what's wrong with having a little mechanical helper to do it for you in your Lyme distress?

    Super-Sized Jarisch-Herxheimer Kit--For when you are having a serious healing crisis unmitigated by the usual detox protocol. This kit comes complete with brown paper bags (for when you lose it on either end), nausea tablets, and Pharmafia's rage reliever pills.

    Spiro Dart Boards--Grab a few of your favorite darts, and have a stab at your favorite spirochete!
    Bonus offer: Buy a spiro dart board and get a babesia or bartonella dart board for FREE! Fifteen different strains of bugs are displayed on each dart board. It doesn't get any better than that, my friends. Even the medical establishment doesn't know that more than a few strains of each exist. Now you have a nice handful of them to adorn your basement walls.

    Medical Information Disclaimer Stickers--To stick on your forehead or clothing any time you dare to share with another how Lyme disease REALLY needs to be treated. Especially useful if you happen across a medical authority from Allopath-Ville.

    Energy Frequencies In A Bottle--Better than a genie, when you come down with some ancillary ailment to Lyme disease, you can simply make the critters disappear by releasing some of this invisible, albeit potent stuff. Frequencies for all kinds of toxins and infections are available, but if you purchase now, you can get two bottles for the price of one. This enables you to take care of both borrelia and babesia, or whatever your favorite pathogen of the day happens to be, all at once.

    Pity Party Invitations--With blank spaces for specifying who gets to bring the whine, and who gets to bring the cheese. Not that any of your Lyme friends are allowed to have cheese, but hey, it sure is great incentive for someone to bring more whine!

    Doctor's Visit T-Shirts--Wear 'em whenever you have to visit a physician who you don't think will understand your condition. Choose between two different slogans, to be printed in black letters across your t-shirt: 1) YES, IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD...AND IN MY HEART, GUTS AND JOINTS, TOO...
    or, 2) THANKS BUT, I ALREADY SAW A SHRINK..HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT LYME DISEASE IS, EITHER.

    "POOR ME!" Cookie Jar--Just so that you can have some justification for cheating on your diet. Life sucks, you aren't healing, so you might as well eat whatever the heck you wish, right?


    Hope you at least got a smile from this...