Made This Way for a Good Reason??

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by satchya, May 13, 2009.

  1. satchya

    satchya New Member

    Some of you know I've chosen to wean myself off of lortab. Something in my gut was just telling me that this was not the answer for me as far as pain relief. At first my body rebelled strongly. I was miserable for a couple of days, but I've been feeling better and better and it's getting easier. I'm taking less and less and it's only been just over a week.

    As I wean myself off all sorts of emotions and thoughts are bubbling up to the surface of my mind. I blew out four more lightbulbs this week. Two in my bedroom one right after the other, pop pop. My husband watched it happen and was like 'WOAH! HON' That was cool.' hehe

    I've been more in touch with my emotional side, and I've been remembering sad things I've been through. It's like I'm wandering through a forest of trees, and each tree is the memory of a stillborn, a surgery, a job loss, a friend loss, a move to a new city where I knew no one, etc. I've been through a LOT and I'm still very young. But I'm a very strong woman. All of these things have made me the empathetic, strong, hopeful person that I am.

    When I was drowning myself in lortab, something was itching and scratching at me from inside, trying to call to me to take back my power. YES I go crazy in crowds. YES I can't stand electronic noise, YES I need nature and water and trees. YES I hurt like hell at the end of the day, and sometimes even in the middle of the day, and usually in the morning too. YES I can feel what you're thinking from across the room and it exhausts me. YES I can dream all night about what's going to happen next month. YES I need my hands in the dirt growing things to feel "right" with the universe and yes I hurt my body every time I lug heavy bags and shovels around.

    YES I hate being around strangers and want to be in my cocoon with my family that I love only. YES I can sense an animal from a mile away and point them out to you too. YES I wake up every time coyotes are running behind the house and I'll wake you up to hear them if you want to hear them howl too. YES I can tell you hours before a lightning storm is going to show up.

    I was so damn uncomfortable with all of this. WHY? WHY? I am sick at the thought of it now. WHY? My body hurt, and so I medicated it into submission. And with that I medicated all the wonderful other things about me into submission too. But it refused to submit. And the special skills that make me ME, the things that make me so sensitive to the world around me NOT JUST TO PAIN were being drowned.

    I refuse to believe anymore that I have a syndrome. I am going to believe I have a special type of body that is exquisitely (sometimes painfully) attuned to the universe around me. I am going to enjoy the benefits of that and try not to begrudge the hard parts.
  2. FMsaddenedspirit

    FMsaddenedspirit New Member

    I understand what your saying ,
    we do push down so much of oursefls with all the pain meds and other meds... I have noticed this myself...I use to have more visons before all the meds.
    now my sleep is so disturbed I can't trust my dreams if I have them. I'll be gald when I get my sleeping dis order under control..
    Keep us updated on how you are doing ... I to love the woods and wish I where close to them again.. I lived close to the woods my whole life until I moved to the city .. I long for a walk in the woods.. for the Fog. oh my.. yes..
    I have not burred everything , my family still pays att. when I say something is going to happen. I still feel ... but to the extent that is used to be .

    wishing you only the best .. keep us posted please .
  3. ikathy

    ikathy New Member

    We are this way just because we are. I think people that have FM and CFS are very sensitive people and are really attuned into their environment. Because of the condition we become much more emphathetic to others which I think is a gift.

    I commend you for getting off the lortab. You have to determine which is less of the two evils: the pain or the feelings of detachment.

    In her book, Devin Starlandyl wrote our bodies are like the finest car: one that has to be pampered and well taken care of, but that is very fine and beautiful.

  4. AdirondackScarlet

    AdirondackScarlet New Member

    We are pioneers
    We are wired slightly differently
    We are many.

    We are all so much alike it's extremely hard for me to fathom
    the medical community doesn't have a grip on this YET.
  5. Forebearance

    Forebearance Member

    Best wishes, Satchya, at getting off your drug!

    I can definitely relate to the feeling of needing to be outside in nature.

  6. kat0465

    kat0465 New Member

    as i sit her crying like a baby, thinking im so alone in all of this. i realize after reading your post, im one of thousands, if not Millions.

    thanks so much for Posting your feelings, you said what i want to say beautifully.
  7. AdirondackScarlet

    AdirondackScarlet New Member

    Its hard to understand how alone we feel when we really are not,
    So many folks don't, can't or refuse to understand, we get
    stigmatized, traumatized and even alienated. We feel insecure,
    almost worthless but we are far from worthless, our suffering
    could help others in the future, even us in the future.
    Lotsa Drs and general public would rather we shut-up, I refuse to- it
    gets overwhelming, frustrating, even infuriating--- I gotta be a voice,
    I gotta try to find answers, solutions or resolutions, but think a
    revolution against the way the medical community caused us to become
    negatively labled. We have nothing to be ashamed of, THEY should be ashamed of themselves. I've had scoffers and non-believers come to me AFTER THEY got DX with this hell and say ," If I only had believed youm
    now I feel so alone.....and on and on.." I used to say I wouldn't wish it on anyone, now I think differently and do wish it on
    those particular pompass a$$es that ridicule us due to our illnesses.
    It's the only way they might learn not to be such jerks, THE HARD WAY.
    We need those closest to us to understand the most, and usually they
    can't or they deny it and say thoughtless, even cruel things and it's so
    difficult to know they really can't or won't even try to understand , let alone LEARN about it so they can either help us or just be there
    with/for us or, preferably BOTH.
    I can pick people with FMS CFS etc...out of a crowd.
    I've sent about 22 people to their family Dr or a Rhuemy to have them
    checked for FMS CFS or either or both....To be told YES it
    is what they have.
    Being out in nature is better than polluted indoor air and helps soothe
    our souls.
    (((GENTLE HUGS)))
    A good cry is cleansing, we are not depressed(clinically) but situationally
    mainly due to the OVERWHELMING frustration.
    We must love each other, help each other.

    [This Message was Edited on 05/14/2009]
    [This Message was Edited on 05/14/2009]