Some of you know I've chosen to wean myself off of lortab. Something in my gut was just telling me that this was not the answer for me as far as pain relief. At first my body rebelled strongly. I was miserable for a couple of days, but I've been feeling better and better and it's getting easier. I'm taking less and less and it's only been just over a week. As I wean myself off all sorts of emotions and thoughts are bubbling up to the surface of my mind. I blew out four more lightbulbs this week. Two in my bedroom one right after the other, pop pop. My husband watched it happen and was like 'WOAH! HON' That was cool.' hehe I've been more in touch with my emotional side, and I've been remembering sad things I've been through. It's like I'm wandering through a forest of trees, and each tree is the memory of a stillborn, a surgery, a job loss, a friend loss, a move to a new city where I knew no one, etc. I've been through a LOT and I'm still very young. But I'm a very strong woman. All of these things have made me the empathetic, strong, hopeful person that I am. When I was drowning myself in lortab, something was itching and scratching at me from inside, trying to call to me to take back my power. YES I go crazy in crowds. YES I can't stand electronic noise, YES I need nature and water and trees. YES I hurt like hell at the end of the day, and sometimes even in the middle of the day, and usually in the morning too. YES I can feel what you're thinking from across the room and it exhausts me. YES I can dream all night about what's going to happen next month. YES I need my hands in the dirt growing things to feel "right" with the universe and yes I hurt my body every time I lug heavy bags and shovels around. YES I hate being around strangers and want to be in my cocoon with my family that I love only. YES I can sense an animal from a mile away and point them out to you too. YES I wake up every time coyotes are running behind the house and I'll wake you up to hear them if you want to hear them howl too. YES I can tell you hours before a lightning storm is going to show up. I was so damn uncomfortable with all of this. WHY? WHY? I am sick at the thought of it now. WHY? My body hurt, and so I medicated it into submission. And with that I medicated all the wonderful other things about me into submission too. But it refused to submit. And the special skills that make me ME, the things that make me so sensitive to the world around me NOT JUST TO PAIN were being drowned. I refuse to believe anymore that I have a syndrome. I am going to believe I have a special type of body that is exquisitely (sometimes painfully) attuned to the universe around me. I am going to enjoy the benefits of that and try not to begrudge the hard parts.