Making Love....

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Dlee, Mar 6, 2003.

  1. Dlee

    Dlee New Member

    Please Help..I can't do it with so much pain,we have tried serval things too make it easy for me,I feel so hurt and confused about this and I haven't seen any one adress this problem.The last time,I hurt my back(I do have back touble)and had too go to dr for shot.She asked how I did it I said I was trying too do the wild thing,she said be more carfull.We have tried all diffent position and I still hurt somewhere I do try and block it out but i't hard .Any help any one....Donna
  2. catgal

    catgal New Member

    Hi Donna~~I admire your fortitude to even try to have sex when you are in such pain. But Love,like Faith, moves Mountains.

    I've been a psychotherapist for over 30 years and have had couples come to therapy for various situations such as this.

    For a while until you are feeling better, stronger, and have less pain, you may want to consider satisfying him with oral sex rather than intercourse if that is not an activity that is disagreeable with you. Never do anything that you are sexually uncomfortable with. However, in the research statistics on Sexual Behavior that are published once a year, the stats show that men actually prefer oral sex performed on them than straight intercourse.

    Focus on the foreplay, extend the excitement, be playful, and try new things such as ice, small marshmellows, artful stroking, and make this an opportunity to open new avenues of love making rather than seeing it as a disaster and failure on your part. You can't help being in pain. But, you can become VERY INVENTIVE and CREATE a whole new sensual approach to making love.

    Surprise him with something sexy as hell to wear; lightly scent the pillows with a soft, after bath spray; sprinkle baby powder on the sheets; light a pure white candle; put on some Music to Make Love By, take the phone off the hook, use some lightly, but deliciously scented massage oil to renew touch and awaken the senses, tell each other stories and secret fantasies, build the passion slowly, gradually, keep a fancy goblet of chilled beverage by the bed, and allow your imaginations to run wild. EXPLORE!

    You can pleasure each other in a host of brand new ways, rekindling your sex life while still not breaking your back with intercourse.

    And, there are dozens of quality books on the various kinds of love making at Barnes & Noble or any good bookstore. Turn this into a Great Passionate Adventure....for it can be with the right attitude.

    Almost anything can become "extremely sensual" when done with passion. Ever noticed how many times someone eating a big, red, strawberry is put in a sexual scene in a movie; or someone slowly eating a banana, or licking a sucker, or dangling grapes......and I won't even go into the Whipped Cream!

    It's all about having a playful attitude, a passion to please and be pleased, and the art of the sensual.

    So, stop worrying, and blaming yourself, and feeling like a failure. You and your loved one may just be in for a whole new Love Life. YOU GO GIRL! Happy Exploring, Carol...
  3. catgal

    catgal New Member

    Hum-mm-mmm....I wonder just how "clinically graphic" we can get here before we get an x-rating and this post banned?

    However, being a licensed psychotherapist with 30 years experience, I will be as professionally descriptive as possible while keeping the subject in "Good Taste". [i can't believe i'm answering this!]

    You line your teeth with the soft, small marshmellows, slowly begin the procedure, excellerate, and the marshmellows mimic a very tight vagina which generally results in a very explosive orgasm.

    Donna, Lifedancer, or anyone--please feel free to delete this response if deemed inappropriate for this Board. I was just attempting to answer a question in a professional manner to be of assistance. Carol...


    [This Message was Edited on 03/07/2003]
  4. debbiem31

    debbiem31 New Member

    Hi there. I also have back problems. When I'm feeling really bad, I just don't do anything. My hubby understands, thankfully. When I'm in mediocre pain, the best position for me is the spoon position with him behind me. It's not quite as exciting, but hey, it's something! I'm able to still be laying on my side, which is usually not to uncomfortable...
  5. tedebear

    tedebear New Member

    Been there, done that, tried this and that.
    How can one enjoy it when the body takes the toll? My hubby gets so angry that I am not as active as I was before FM. He recently claimed I am like a bump on a log. Minimal activity in bed. The more I do the more I hurt. Help!!!! Sure I can take all the pain meds a half hour before, but it doesn't give me the physical energy.
    Well, I've said my peace. Hope he doesn't give up on me.
    I am trying God knows.
    Soft teddy hugs to all.
  6. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    Hi, Donna:

    I think most of us here who are married or in a relationship can relate to this problem. My husband and I have done alternatives to intercourse when I am too sore and stiff. When I am having a lot of pain we just forget doing anything and wait until I am better. I am fortunate to have such an understanding husband. We do lots of things that feel good with our hands. My husband gave me a hand massager for Christmas and we sometimes take turns massaging eachother. Really great when I am having more problems. We also take showers together. The warm water feels really good to my back and makes it easier to be with my husband. Or sometimes we just cuddle together, which is nice, too.

    Ellen
  7. COOKIEMONSTER

    COOKIEMONSTER New Member

    I've heard about making love........a long time ago. It's been in all honestly about 4 months since my husband and I have made love. I am just so tired all the time. Forget the pain, I would even try to make love with some discomfort but I just don't have the "umph" to do so.

    My husband and I will be sharing our 26th wedding anniversary this month. He is 48 and I am 42 years of age. Sometimes I feel guilty when he reminds me of how long it's been since we last made "whoopy" but I know that he understands and I respect him for that. Our sex life used to be "awesome" but now it's more like "never."

    I believe that God knew what type of trials and tribulations we would face and he made sure that we had strong men to provide us with support and the respect we all deserve.

    Hey, how do you keep the marshmellows in your mouth without them falling out? :)


  8. cyberamy

    cyberamy New Member

    The marshmellow thing sounds like a choking hazard.lol this would only happen to me of course!LOL
    Amy
  9. Dlee

    Dlee New Member

    Hi to every one and thank you for your response.I've been with my husband about 12 years now,married 6yrs and trust me we have have the imagination then and now.But it don't matter what I do hotbaths candles massage etc.If I don't pay for it during I will pay for it the next day.I've got a undersanding husband but I wander how long he can be understanding with this DD.Our life has changed like night and day.I just can't do the life we had and believe i've tried.On days that i'm have way the old Donna we do things together,but the next day or two i'm in the bed suffering.I could go on and on but my hands are trying to go too sleep from typeing.I've never seen this on the broad before ,but i'm sure it has.So I know i'm not alone with this problem and thanks for everones response.We did have a fantasy love life but i've never heard about marshmellows and I luv em
    Donna
  10. 2girls

    2girls New Member

    Do it anyway!!! As Sandy mentioned, spontenaety(sp?) is out but what the heck. Relax, nap and maybe take a muscle relaxer immediately after - even a hot bath. My mojo is back after being virtually numb for 3 months on antidepressants. I feel alive again!
    Carole your post is HOT!!!LOL

    2girls
  11. Flamingo

    Flamingo New Member

    Hi to All!
    I haven't been here to visit in a while, but I am glad I surfed by! I am going to the grocery store on my way home from work and get those marshmallows!!! I tink my hubby deserves it! ;)
    I used to experience the same probs! Ever since I started taking the Flexeril before bed, the majority of my pain has diminished!!! I wish it worked this well with everybody!
    Peace, Flamingo
  12. Dlee

    Dlee New Member

    I bump it to see if more infro....
  13. JaciBart

    JaciBart Member

    That is a good one, I will try that. That seems to be the one thing these days I can do for my hubby that does not cause me pain, we did actually stay on our regular 2 x a wk schedule up until about 4-5 mo ago I just started having a really hard time with it, now we do maybe once a month and even at that it might be just a few minutes, I just cannot take it anymore, no position is an imporovement for me. I don't care for myself, the way I feel most of the time I could care less but I was trying to maintain our sex life for my hubby. He can see tho that it just was taking a lot out of me and he is very understanding. We do a lot of cuddling and I give him pleasure (soon with marshmallows!) and for us it is still just as wonderful being married as before. We love each other so much and we show affection in so many other ways that "the act" is not what it is all about anymore.
    Jaci
  14. dd

    dd New Member

    I will be buying some marshmallows tomorrow and surprise my hubby with them. I am sure that he will be "EXCITED"!!!

    We just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversay a few weeks back. I surprised him with candles all over the room, lavender scent on the pillows and a new sexy nightgown. It was a wonderful night...THE WHOLE NIGHT...if you get my drift...Sent the kiddies to Grama's house for the whole weekend. Yes, I was sore and stiff for a couple of days but it was well worth it.

    FUN TO ALL,

    Debbie
  15. catgal

    catgal New Member

    Back many years ago, I was asked to facilitate a Therapy Group for sexually potent men who had disabled wifes & mates who could no longer provide them with sexual intercourse gratification. I was amazed at how many men of various ages showed up for the 10 week sessions. I ended up having to do 3 separate therapy groups with 20 men in each group.

    The age of these male participants ranged from 22 to 67. These were sexually potent men with the only difference being their difference for desire in "frequency" of sex. Men from 22 to 40 preferred sex at least 2 or 3 times a week whereas men from ages 40 to 67 preferred sex once a week or at least twice a month.

    The initial problem was that these men were married or had long-term relationships with women "they loved", but their mates had disabilities or chronic illnesses that prevented them from having sexual intercourse. And though these men said they loved their mates very much and had tried to be understanding--as time went by they became sexually frustrated, tired of masturbating for sexual release, and some had come to feel angry, resentful, unmanly, rejected, and sexually abandoned. They all "understood" their mates physical problems, but did not want to go through the rest of their lives 'sexless'. And though most all of the men loved their wives & mates and did not want to go "elsewhere for sexual satisfaction" 98% of the men had eventually been unfaithful at least once.

    Seventy-two percent said they loved their mates and would never leave them, but they were still sexually active men who could not accept "never having sex again". Their actual major complaint about their mates was not that they were unable to have direct intercourse, but that they would not even try to offer some type of sexual pleasure at all or extremely seldom. And said they eventually felt "forced" to seek sex elsewhere from time to time, but then felt guilty and angry about it. The sex was generally initiated by one-night stands, did not involve emotional attachment, and only eight of the 60 men involved in the therapy groups actually began "affairs". These men repeatedly said they loved their mates, but had come to feel as though their relationships had merely turned into being roommates.

    The bottom line of what these men wanted was to feel sexually active with the women they loved. Since these men did "understand" that their mates had physical disabilities or chronic health problems that often prohibited actual intercourse, they said the love making did not necessarily have to involve direct intercourse, but some form of sensual, sexual pleasure and satisfaction on a more frequent basis.

    And through the 10 week sessions the men developed a list of sexual pleasures for love making that did not involve direct intercourse.....[and that is where I first heard about the marshmallow technique]. These men wanted/needed to feel that they were still sexually desirable to their mates, manly, and sexually potent.

    The "Menu of Love Making" as the men named it had over 150 different sexual techniques that did not involve sexual intercourse. There assignment was to go home, talk to their mates, and explore the list together.

    After the men had completed their 10 week therapy group, I facilitated a 10 week therapy group for the women--the mates of these men, and our "textbook" was "The Menu of Love Making", and I invited an 'Oriental Madame' to facilitate the last 5 weeks covering a well known book called The Karma Sutra.

    Both the men's and women's groups not only turned out to be fun, successful, and EDUCATIONAL, but the 5 weeks taught by the Oriental Madame covering the Karma Sutra [where I learned about the dance of the seven veils] was an experience I will never forget, and one of the most beneficial courses I ever had.

    For when I was in my late 20's and early 30's (am 53 now), I was married and developed alot of medical problems. Not only was intercourse too painful for me, but I lost all interest in sex and making love. I just did not feel well, my libido was in the tolit, and I certainly did not feel sexy. My husband was very understanding for a good while, and then eventually started cheating on me, and it all ended up in a very heartbreaking divorce which threw me into a deep, clinical depression and extremely low self-worth as a woman. I remained single for the next 17 years, but I entered my Spiritual Journey at that time which changed the rest of my life.

    I added this reply to Donna's post to encourage you to not give up and leave out what a man considers a very important part of his relationship with you, and also how this affects his own self-image as a Man. Blessings to All, Carol...
  16. Dlee

    Dlee New Member

    I read your post and found it very interesting,I do wonder that my husband might look to someone else and really I can't blame him.We do cuddle, kiss, play, talk, love you,etc.I do mind over body not for love, but just about everthing. Donna
  17. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I'm putting marshmallows on my grocery list!! Monday, is my 31st wedding anniversary, and won't my hubby be happy with the surprise that I have in store for him! I'll just have to "grin and bear it" when it comes to the pain that day!
  18. catgal

    catgal New Member

    I hope that all the men on this Board will read your post. It was so well written with such vital information--information that, otherwise, we would not have had access to.

    "Thank You" for having the courage, compassion, and concern to help others who may be too hesitant to participate in this thread.

    My hat's off to you! Blessings, Carol...
  19. catgal

    catgal New Member

    They now have on the market a women's pill that is supposed to help women with low libido just like viagra helps men with erections. I don't know what the name of it is, but any pharmacist should know.

    I've seen it advertised on TV. The DEA just approved it last year I believe.

    It's worth checking into and getting a trial of it from your physician. After you take it, it is suppose to increase your sexual desire. I know one of my clients has had chronic pain for years, lost all her sex drive, and she and her understanding husband hadn't had sex for several years. Then, she started noticing he was buying new clothes, bought some expensive men's cologne, seemed unusually peppy, and starting saying he was playing poker over at a friend's house. She called the friend one of those "poker nights" and there was no such game going on. He didn't even know what she was talking about.

    Through her tears, my client's humor prevailed, and she said, "Well, I guess he didn't completely lie--he probably was playing 'poke-her', and I really can't blame him. I'm not giving him up that easy and losing 36 years of marriage. I'm going to get me some of that women's viagra stuff and fight back". And so she did, and she said it worked wonders for her, made her feel "young & sexy again", and that her husband was no longer going out for "poke-her".

    I wish I could remember the name because she told me what it was....and I saw it advertised a couple of times--but I just don't remember.

    Talk to your physician or pharmacist about it. You have to have a script for it. Go for it! AND BE SURE AND LET THE REST OF US KNOW HOW IT WORKED, AND IF WE NEED TO STOCK UP ON IT! Best Wishes, Carol...
  20. jeanderek

    jeanderek New Member