MamaR and other's with adult children who don't care

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lovstoshine, Oct 22, 2005.

  1. lovstoshine

    lovstoshine New Member

    MamaR Thank you for replying and understanding about my children although that means like you said you have the same problem and I am sorry!!

    My relationship with my Mom has never been a good one but my Mom was not a good mother in that she did not look out for our best interests. I guess I need to explain she remarried when i was 3 and this man is a pervert!!

    He tried to rape me and I told my mom but she said I was lying I think I was 11 or 12?? I have blocked so much out many things I don't remember now but needless to say he started in on my sister and did rape her for years - This is a whole story unto itself but just wanted you to know I am not just talking about she didn't buy me something I wanted

    We were also very poor but she would not even get the basics for us like toothbrushes!! I have one older brother and one younger sister from my Mom's first marriage - she then married the pervert and had 3 children with him - which by the way I get along with it is not their fault he is like that and they are not like him and well basically I raised them, made sure they had their baths and helped with homework and cooked for them and my youngest brother is handicapped with Cerebal palsy and she put him in my room so I could get up with him in the middle of the night when he had to go to the bathroom etc... so I was pretty much the mom.

    Anyways so I moved away from Iowa as soon as I could as I was not going to be like that, I should mention it was very painful to move due to my younger brothers and sisters but when my sister told me he was raping her I took her to the police and of course then my Mom would not talk to me anyways nor would she let me see my other brothers and sisters of course there is so much more to that I just wanted to show where I was coming from and I wanted to have a family and show them love and have children that could be innocent and I did that so I don't know what went wrong??

    I feel like I was so good to them - of course not perfect but I showered them with love but at the same time I did not spoil them they had chores had to work once they could drive and paid their own car ins. etc... I think you get the picture I went to every game they had took them to church which I knew nothing about just knew I needed to go for them and me and I was saved at the age of 25 and I should also say all of my children have accepted Jesus as their saviour as well

    Of course for the most part of their lives they knew I lived with pain as I have had chronic pain since I was 14, I was on a carnival ride that broke and broke my pelvic bone and ribs etc... and then in 1986 I was in a bad car accident but still I always worked and took care of my home and family.

    In 2001 is when it started to fall apart and yet I held on. This year I did fall apart and still continued to try to work etc... but finally in July realized I could not.
    My daughter and her husband moved in with us in May as her husband had graduated college and they wanted to move back to this area - she graduated the year before and right after became pregnant so I am a grandma as well!!

    Well it was to only be for a few months so they could save money and get a home, I had no problem with that. Now she knew I wasn't doing any house chores, shopping etc.. My husband has been taking care of that, but of course she said again and again that she would cook and clean since we would not be charging rent and we would be paying for everything well in the beginning she did a little bit but it soon ended as since I am not doing anything why should she!! It has just tore me up to see my husband come home from work and cook and clean etc... when she is home all day and healthy

    Of course when they first came I was still trying to work but once I came home I stayed in bed alot and well still do I had totally exhaused myself by working past the point of when I should have stopped so at first I was just letting myself listen to my body for the first time in my life!!

    But I see now that even though she said those things she thought that I would still continue to do all the things I always did as I have been in pain forever but still did everything so obviously these past 10 months of me telling her and my other 2 children that things had changed I could no longer continue the way I had - they didn't hear me and they talk to me like I am a piece of crap not their mother - I did not raise them this way, and they do not talk to their Dad this way, it's like they are mad at me for not doing my share??

    Even though I have had horrible times with my Mom I still never talked to her the way they talk to me with such disrespect. I have always respected my elders not that I was taught to I just knew you should

    Now my oldest son is in the Air Force and in Calif. He had a small stint of being ugly with me but no longer is but then I only talk to him on the phone

    My youngest son just turned 20 and is still living here as well and has the same problem my daughter does!!

    If they want something then they are asking me how I feel and what can they do for me but the funny thing is if I tell them something they could do, if they do it then it is like I owe them and most times they just never do it

    Well I did not mean to ramble again but it does feel better to get some of this off my chest and I could see that you understand and I am thinking many others probably have had the same type of trouble??

    Thank you for listening, My daughter and her family will be moving out in a couple of weeks they found a house and even though we have had trouble I will miss them but it is time for them to go, not sure what I am going to do with my youngest son??? Although he is not here much I still am not going to continue to put up with him talking to me the way he does.

    Ok - I must stop this is way too long

    Hugs and prayers,
    Jeanie
  2. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    Dearest Jeanie,

    I was worried about you! I was so glad to log on today and see where you had posted. I know how it feels to need to express my feelings...so glad that you did! In reading your post it is so obvious that you have had it really rough. Again, it is really amazing how much you and I have in common. I had a really rough childhood also. I was a mother to my mother, as she had a drinking problem and abused my dad. I grew up fast!

    I wonder how much of it helped to put us where we are today...you know our health problems. I, like you never had a childhood, and wanted life to be perfect for my children. I guess when you grow up like we did you think there is a "perfect life". But, there really isn't anything perfect in life. We just have to do the best that we can...and try to accept it.
    I have tried to see where I was going wrong, and as I review my life...I think I was made to believe that I was always the problem as a child...so I carried that over into my adult life! I had to FIX everything!

    You know....if things didn't go right for our kids it must be something that we did wrong...in reality we did the best that we could and probably spoiled them too much because of our childhood!!
    Anyway, one real blessing for both of us is our WONDERFUL HUSBANDS!! God was good to us....right?
    I tell my kids that I know that I am blessed and they need to appreciate their dad. I think you and I need to start putting ourselves and our husbands first...and the kids will have to make their own way!!!

    GOD BLESS....Mari

    Keep in touch!
  3. lovstoshine

    lovstoshine New Member

    We do seem to have alot in common and I have thought the exact same thing - what I did wrong was in giving too much

    And I am thankful for my husband and you are right it's now time for us and I am trying to do that and getting better at it - it just has been a long road to realize everything they do wrong now I am not responsible for

    I made the decision to be a good person and they can do
    and no there is no perfect I just thought I would have been so different but trials do make us stronger!!

    Since being so sick these past few months the one good thing is I have become closer to God, so for that I am thankful.

    Thank you so much for listening to me, like you said sometimes you just have to get it out and then it really doesn't seem as bad

    Hugs to you,
    Jeanie
  4. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    and take care of yourself! I will try to take my own advice...Haha \0/

  5. over50

    over50 New Member

    My childhood sounds similar to yours. I never knwe what a NORMAL family life was like.
    When I had two children,I did the best I could.Now they are grown,my son had a lot of problems,but is working them out.But my daughter is just hurtful to me,it is as if everything or choice she made that turned out bad was and is my fault. Her last msg to me was stay out of my business,your pathetic and useless.
    Yep,thats what I feel like,but,I also hurt everyday,have lost my life and things I could do before.So I can relate to your pain,lets pray for our kids and each other.A very special friend sent me this....the past cannot be changed,the future is still in your power.
    Love ya,Linda
  6. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    Linda,

    I was on here for a few minutes and saw your post. I'm sure that Jeanie will see this and answer also.
    Yes, it is hard to be misunderstood...but when our kids hurt us it is so much worse!! If they could just have a idea of what we are going through....maybe they would be different.

    It is sad that you are going through this, and I pray for you, because I know how bad it hurts!!

    A BIG HUG.....Mari
  7. over50

    over50 New Member

    Thank you for your kindness,and I am praying you guys too.
    We all need each other,for information,support,a hug and I am so thankful you all are there.
    I pray these "children",figure it out.They're missing alot,we wont be around forever.And they cant be happy,knowing that we are hurting.
    Never thought something like this would happen,my Psych said it is so common.Just not talked about.Anyway,thank you and have a beautiful day.
    Love ya.Linda