Man Troubles......

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by catgal, Mar 22, 2003.

  1. catgal

    catgal New Member

    Hello Everyone~~It is a chilly, rainy, dreary day here in the Mountains, and I am down sick with pheumomonia, plursy, and bronchitis on top of the usual FM/CFS, degenerative disc disease & multiple back problems, osteo/psoriatic/rheumatoid arthritis, neck & shoulder nerve damage....and I feel so awful all over.

    I work 3 days a week (Tuesday through Thursday) and became so ill by Thursday that I missed work that day. So, I am not just down with my usual aches & pains, I am really sick with this pneumonia & bronchitis, running a fever, feel extremely weak, sometimes nauseated, and my FM/CFS,back pain, and arthritis(s) are all in flare. My normal routine when I finish work on Thursday evening is to crash in bed and rest all day Friday, and then go places and do things with my hyperactive man on Saturday & Sunday. I've gone with him many, many times on Saturday & Sunday even though I still felt exhausted and needed more down time. But, we live in an isolated area, and I know he gets bored to death of just going to work and sitting in this house during the weekdays. So, he likes to leave for another town 2 hours away and play Saturday & Sunday.

    However, my loving, thoughtful, understanding man has disappeared over the past month and has been replaced by an irritable, impatient, grumpy, hateful, sarcastic, negative man who appears FED-UP with my not feeling well. We've been together for 6 years, and the past two weeks with him has been very stressful and hurtful to me because of his on-going verbal attacks about my being sick all the time, and he's tired of just staying in this house doing nothing.

    I will also add at this point that he has become addicted to gambling over the past two years which has gotten him into so much financial trouble that his cars were repossesed this past week due to non-payment, and he is having to file bankrptcy because he's gotten in so much debt. We are not married, and I keep my finances separate from his. He is 54 and the only child of very loving parents, and so they immediately sent him a check for $20,000 this week, and he was able to buy himself a brand new, paid-in-full car--so you'd think he'd be a happy camper.

    As usual, he wanted to go the two hours across the Mountains on this rainy, gloomy day and come back Sunday evening. It was like it didn't even register with him that I was seriously ill with pneumonia & bronchitis. And, he left around 7 this morning to a town 34 miles away using the excuse that he had forgotten something in the cubby hole of one of the cars that had been repossessed--but I knew the extra money he had left from the $20,000 his parents sent him was burning a whole in his gambling pocket.

    And the fact is we desperately need the money for bills. When he moved in with me six years ago, he didn't tell me how in debt he was, or that I was going to have to basically support the two of us on my part time paycheck. For the past 6 years, I have stressed & struggled every month about how to get all the bils paid, and when I found out two years ago that he was gambling away his paychecks--I had a serious talk with him. But, obviously to no avail. He does kick in some money from time to time when there is no way I can pay all the bills, but then he blames me because he says that made him get behind on his personal bills.

    But, he was going to be back today by noon and wanted to go on over the Mountains for the weekend. I felt so sick, but got up and tried to make the effort to be ready to go when he got back. And, I was so weak and full of congestion--not getting enough oxygen--and I briefly fainted while in the shower, but was able to catch myself before I hit my head on the tub. Everything started swirling, and my whole body started shaking. I couldn't catch my breath, and was so weak--I just crawled out of the shower and lay on the floor for a while. I was sweating profusely, clammy, and vision was blurred. When I was able to get up, I wrapped a robe around me and was staggering to the bed when the phone rang. It was him telling me he was on his way home, and we would leave for the weekend. I was so breathless and light headed I could barely talk, but told him I was just to ill to go today--but I would go tomorrow (Sunday) no matter what. And he lashed out at me saying, "You're always either too tired or too sick to do anything. All you do is lay in that damn bed and watch tv or sit at the computer talking to those people on that Board--and I think all you guys do is make each other sicker!" And his usual loving voice was harsh, pissy, and angry. I reminded him that I was down with pneumonia and bronchitis this weekend, but he said, "You're always sick with something!" And he said he was fed up with staying in the house all the time,or going places by himself.

    When he got home, he didn't say a word to me. Just stomped around giving me the cold shoulder and hateful attitude, then went to bed in the back bedroom.

    I think he is getting sick and fed up with me and my illnesses plus his financial stresses and having to file bankruptcy. He has been difficult to get along with the past month, but much worse the past two weeks. And doing alot of nit-picking about when am I going to get this house all cleaned up, the pile of laundry done, and if he isn't picking on one thing--it's another. I told him he lives here too, and it wouldn't hurt him to help out around the house every once in a while. He just stomped off. And, I've noticed that his gambling addiction has changed him from the man I knew.

    But, it is like a cold war in this house today--very tense, uncomfortable, and I can't relax or sleep even though I am so sick with this pneumonia, plursy, and bronchitis, plus all my other ailments being in a flare.

    And, I told him that if he was sick & tired of all my ailments--he ought to try it on my end for a month and see how it felt--how sick and tired of it all I was.

    If I had the energy and wasn't so ill--I'd sit down and have myself a good cry, but I am too weak. It is taking everything I've got to keep the antibiotics down and write this post.

    I can't get over how hateful he's become. And, I don't think it's another woman. He just seems really fed-up with my being sick all the time--even though I do go places with him almost every weekend. This weekend--I was just too sick with the addition of the pneumonia, plursy and bronchitis. Maybe I should have let them put me in the hospital like the doctor wanted to--but no insurance.

    And I don't know what to do. Any suggestions???

    I know this is long, and I appreciate you taking the time to read it, but I needed to get it out of me. I feel like a cat on a hot tin roof besides being extra sick. Where did my good man go? Any responses would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for you time, Carol....
  2. pamela

    pamela New Member

    You see the icon I used? If your not there already you'll be there soon!!! I was married to someone like that and it drug me down to what I am today. I know in my heart that the abuse I suffered from that marriage was what killed my immune system. He literally tore me up and down everyday. The first post before mine...she is right. Read it again and again!! Run!!! Forest run!!!! Ha!! Anyway, you deserve better. People that are addicted to gambling are as bad as being addicted to crack cocaine. Im serious. I have seen that before on a documentary. He will drag you down financially, emotionally, physically and all other ways imaginable. If he ahsn't already. It happened to me and it really made me sick permanently. Dont let some sorry addicted ungrateful person get the best of you. I would tell him to pack up and leave. He may have loving parents but them helping him like that after he trashed all his money does not help him in any way. Sounds like he is a spoiled brat if you ask me. Sorry to rant like this but it strikes a nerve...a BIG nerve in me. You deserve a man that will treat you with respect and love you no matter what!!! They are out ther and you need to get him out and get better. Please take our advice and get him out of your life, I tried staying because of what it use to be to and it nearly killed me.

    Love and hugs ...Pammy
  3. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    I don't really know what to tell you, having an antagonistic man in your life when you're so sick is pure hell. I was married 18 years. My husband glared at me, ordered me around, and repeatedly threatened to divorce me if I didn't "snap out of it" and get back to work. He was also extremely vicious verbally. He left me last year.

    Do you think you could make it on your own? or with a platonic roommate? I know the financial stress is terrible. That gambling problem is not going to go away and is probably going to get worse.

    My health has not improved since my husband left, but it's nice not being yelled at and criticized all the time.

    Hippo
  4. Dara

    Dara New Member

    I have to agree with what everyone responded with before me. I've been there, done that, I wasn't smart enough to get out and I'm now 56 years old and feel like it's too late for me. Plus, now that I can't work anymore I don't know what I would live on. If I ever get my disability and LTD then I honestly think I could make it. But, please for your sake of health & happiness do not stay with him. It sounds to me as if you probably could make it on your own since he doesn't contribute that much anyway. Take care. There's a book by Melanie somebody, can't remember now. It's called "Dependent No More", about codependency and it was very good.

    Dara
  5. catgal

    catgal New Member

    I've known that he has brought me down physically, emotionally, and financially for a good while. However, we enjoyed each other's company; he was kind, thoughtful, considerate, romantic, and I was his Number 1 priority in life.

    But, when he started gambling two years ago, I began to notice changes in him. He would lie to me about where he was going or what he did, and I knew he was gambling--and he would project his feelings of guilt and blame off onto me. I've talked to him about his gambling, but he doesn't believe he has a "problem". Good ole denial.

    And then all his financial problems caught up with him a couple of months ago--he was always in a stressed out, foul mood. But I understood because I've been in recovery from alchohol for 28 years. I know nagging doesn't do any good, and until he hits bottom--it won't stop. I thought after they repossessed his cars, and he was facing bankruptcy that perhaps that would wake him up. But, his parents wired him the $20K the day he had to turn the cars in. And, the bankrupty will free-up his check. He makes good money. So, I don't think the bankruptcy is going to do anything but give him more money to gamble with.

    I remember how I changed during my drinking years, but underneath the addiction was still a good, kind, loving person. Just like he has been for the most part of our relationship. And, I know it's hard to live with someone who is always in chronic pain, always exhausted, if always sick with one thing or another. And up until recently, he has really been a strong support for me.

    I've been giving serious thought to asking him to move out. To get his own place because I will not tolerate his gambling addiction.

    But, it has also crossed my mind that now he has a brand new car sports car paid in full, and once he files for bankruptcy and frees up his good check--that he won't need me anymore to house and support him.....and maybe he will move out on his own.

    Lots of think about. But, right now I am too sick to deal with it.

    I really appreciate your replys, and anything anyone else has to say. Thanks, Carol...
  6. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I'm not going to reiterate the sage advice you've already gotten....I'm just so sorry you are going through this horrible illness (pleurisy is a killer, sooo painful, not to mention everything else you are dealing with physically) while suffering emotional stress, too. I just wanted to give you my support, I personally think his gambling addiction has backed him into a corner; rather than face what is way more than a minor problem, he is lashing out at you & using your illness as a convenient target, avoiding facing his own demons. As long as the parents enable him with money gifts, he never will face them. I've read your posts many times, Carol, I value your advice & ideas & support you give others; please try to take care of yourself so that you can get well first (I wish he would just go off for the weekend ALONE, so that you can get some rest & recovery time), then when you feel a little better and can think clearer, try to think about how you could get out of this situation. You work so hard to fight this DD & deal with work, etc., there has to be a better way for you to live! I'm glad you wrote this, you are right, it helps to get it out, & you have our staunch support. Now, please try to get some rest, let us know how it goes tomorrow, and know that prayers & good thoughts are going your way.

    Many Hugs,
    Pam
  7. Notonline

    Notonline New Member

    Carol, first get work on getting better...although I'm new, I really enjoy reading your posts, except this one hurts me to see the pain that you're in. This guy reminds me of an old boyfriend...same crap, different dog. Gambling can be just a different addiction for people with obsessive traits, they will lie, cheat, and steal just to get that "fix" at times. You need to ask yourself the age old question...what does this relationship contribute to my life? If it is sadness, uncertainty, and sorrow 90% of the time...than it can only contibute to your health problems. But if you can really answer that he enriches your life, and make you happy most of the time...then you need to have a looonng talk with him and ask him why he is taking something out on you for a situation that is beyond your control. Good Luck!
  8. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    I have seen two women go through what you are describing, from great terrific men, to a monsters,,,,,, because of a gambling addiction.

    Its worst than drugs, liquor, cigarettes, another woman, etc! The one smart thing you did was not marry him, and keeping your finances separate. Now since your are self supporting,not married to him, get the hell out of there while you still can!

    You are taking a serious chance with your health trying to keep up with his demands, pneumonia alone is enough to kill you if you don't rest and take care of yourself.

    Stay home, rest, get yourself well. You can't get well exausting yourself like you are doing.

    You cannot help a gambler, they will lie, steal, cheat, anything to get funds to gamble. Its the worst kind of addiction. He needs professional help, and most times that does not even help.

    You would be better off if it was another woman, that can be solved, but not gambling. I have seen two of them in action. One is dead, and the other one is still gambling (he's in his eighties and has been gambling since he was in his early twenties).

    His parents are not helping him, he will sell that car, and gamble the money away again.
    I saw one of them even steal the money out of his childrens piggy banks, stole money his wife had in the hospital(which was for the hospital bill) while she was having his baby, then lie and blame it on the hospital staff! The older one I am talking about was married to my aunt.
    Yes, that is sick, but believe me, they have a monkey on their back worst than anything you could imagine.

    Get well, and honey go find yourself a life!

    Shalom, Shirl

  9. OHELPME

    OHELPME New Member

    DEAR CAROL,
    I'M SO SORRY HERE ABOUT YOUR MAN ISSUE,BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I DON'T EVEN PERSONALY KNOW YOU AND I KNOW YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON JUST BY READING ONE THING YOU POSTED.YOU HAVE SO MUCH COMPASSION FOR OTHERS.YOU DESERVE ONLY THE BEST SO DONT SETTLE FOR ANY THING LESS.I'M THE ONE WHO IS NEW AND POSTED TO YOU THAT YOU TOUCHED MY HEART,SO GO BACK AND RE READ WHAT YOU WROTE TO BEES. YOU WILL FIND A HIDDEN MESSAGE FOR YOURSELF!!!TAKE CARE & GET WELL SOON STASHA
  10. pamela

    pamela New Member

    I woke up this morning thinking about you. I hope I did not offend you..I know how it is when your in a predicament like this. Please...Please...Please take all these lovely women's advice.. RUN!!!! Get rid of him.. As far as the hospital..there are programs out there and usually the hospital has these programs that help out people in financial situations. When I had my wreck the M.A.P. program (medical assistance program) paid all for my injuries. It was a whopping amount of $$, but I was unemployedd at the time with no medical insurance. They also do set up payment programs too. Please do something for yourself and get this guy away from you. I have read alot of your posts and you are to good of a person for this to be happening to you. I hope you find peace and I did pray for you last night. Lots of Love..Pammy
  11. catgal

    catgal New Member

    I printed out the touching responses you all wrote to me and spent a good deal of time reading & re-reading them slowly in order to gain the benefit and insight of every line.

    And one of the things I kept asking myself that someone wrote is "Am I better off with him--or without him?"

    I was single and alone for 17 years before this relationship. During that time, I fulfilled my dream of moving to the Mountains, buying my own home, my own land, and living the life I always wanted. I named my home my "Fortress of Solitude" and over time filled it with books I read, stray animals, and enjoyed decorating it with wonderful and unusual things I discovered in antique stores, 2nd hand stores, and various other places I found on my travels. I turned my home into a Sanctury of Comfort, Peace, and Tranquility. Every part of my home was a wonderful, soothing place to curl up, read a book, listen to music, contemplate, and BE. I had long been on my Journey of the Soul, and the splendor of the Rugged Mountains, Fragrant Forests, Babbling Brooks & Streams were God mad visible to me. Coming here was like a "calling" to me, and The Creator put me right to work on an isolated, impoverished, and soulsick reservation. I brought with me a new type of therapy that the Great Spirit infused in me as He brought me along in my own personal journey. And as word-of-mouth spread, it wasn't long before I had a waiting list of people wanting appointments. I lived like a real pioneer woman--for this can be difficult country for a woman alone, and there was much to learn from the Natives about surviving here. I loved it. I loved the Autumn Ritual of the wood splitting; battening down the hatches; how to read the weather; paying attention to animal sign to determine what kind of Winter we were in for; the necessity of stocking up on supplies, and learning a whole new culture that held true to their Native Traditions. I was Director of Mental Health at the IHS Hospital for the first 5 years, made good money, had great benefits, and some very, very difficult times.

    But I loved my life here, put down roots for the first time in my life, and developed a great passion for the people, the spectacular country, and my solitude. For 17 years I lived alone trekking the pathways of my Soul, and doing what I felt like, when I felt like it, and how I wanted to do it. And the FREEDOM I experienced was pure Rapture to me. I embraced the hard times as much as the good. And though I was a stranger amongst strangers in a foreign land--I never felt so at home in my Soul.

    However, as the years passed, my FM/CFS, asthma/allergies, and osteo/psoriatic/rheumatoid arthritis began to make working full time impossible for me. I could no longer hike the beautiful forest trails, or climb to the top of my favorite Mountain, or spend days rowing the crytal clear lakes and camping at night. My ailments forced me into becoming a spectator rather than a participator. Due to the pain and exhaustion, I had to quit my high paying job with good benefits, and take a part-time position (3 days a week) with an excruciating cut in pay, lifestyle, and no benefits. Since I could never get any medical help with the FM, I began to spend the weekends bedridden, in pain, and everything in my life was affected by my illnesses except for doing therapy. In a way I cannot explain, my process of doing therapy got better & better.

    I had met "my man" when we were both in our late 20's, but he was married with a 4 year old son that he adored, and I was married to a man who held a very prominent position. There was a 'meeting of souls' when he (my man) and I first met one another, and though the feelings we had for one another were powerful--we left them alone, did not have an affair, because too many people would have been hurt. My husband and I left there after two years and moved on, and I never heard nor saw him again until he called me 22 years later. He and his wife had gotten a divorce two years previously, and after he recovered from that he tracked me down through a buddy of his that worked at the DMV--he located me through my driver's license. For five years he called me every week, and we'd talk for hours, but I never would agree to see him again. I loved my life the way it was--beautiful, free, and uncomplicated. However, at the end of 5 years of his calling, we did see each other.....and it was a case of Reality exceeding your dreams. The connection we had felt some 27 years ago was as though no time, no space had passed between us. He eventually moved in with me, and my life turned upside down. Nothing, nothing was the same. After living alone for 17 years, adjusting to living with another and losing my Fortress of Solitude, my privacy, my peacefulness, tranquility, and FREEDOM became extremely stressful to me. There came so many radical & abrupt changes in my life. And I had no idea how in debt he was until all his bill collectors started calling my home for him.

    Every bit of his check went to pay his own personal bills while my part-time check went to supporting us. That was a hardship change I hadn't counted on. I no longer had any money for myself, and it became a financial struggle every month just to make ends meet over the past 6 years. And to accommodate all his belongings, the home I had so lovingly and wonderously created fell by the wayside as so many of the things I loved ended up put away in boxes in order to have room for his stuff.

    Then there came alot of stress at work over the past several years with different directors wanting to turn my part-time job into a full time position...which would mean I would be out of a job in a jobless community. However, my man continued to be very emotionally supportive, loving, and we shared an unexplainable bond. He spent alot of time researching FM/CFS and reading books trying to find ways to help me. Two years ago I was diagnosed with advanced degenerative disc disease with multiple back problems and a cluster of pinched nerves around my neck & shoulder area. The pain became so unbearable I couldn't work, and my man stepped forward and told me not to worry about the finances that he would take care of them. I finally found a physician 34 miles from here who put me on narcotic pain management, and I was able to return to work and some quality of life--but now had the added financial stress of $450 a month medical expenses. And instead of being the outgoing, fun, woman I had been that went places with him and did things together--I started having to rest more; felt more exhausted after my work week, started getting sick more often, and the woman he had known disappeared. And, it was about this time that he started gambling.

    But, he remained loving, supportive, and caring up until a couple of months ago when all his financial problems and gambling caught up with him. And then he changed into someone I no longer recognized.

    I told him this morning that if my being ill was causing him such unhappiness, and his gambling and taking out his guilt on me was causing me to be so stressed out and unhappy that maybe we should consider living in separate homes. And that I was not going to live my life with a gambling addict nor someone who verbally devalued me because I was sick. That I couldn't help being ill, but I could still be a loving, kind, compassionate person. But, his gambling addiction was a sickness he could do something about, and I deserved better than what I was getting from him. That he deserved better than what he was doing to himself. However, if he wanted to continue ruining his life that was his choice to make-but he wasn't dragging me down with him...and I wasn't going to watch it happen. He'd have to destroy himself somewhere else. He asked me if I still loved him--I said "yes, but if he gave me no choice but to leave him behind--I would". He said I was the love of his life, and that the bond between us would always be there. I said--yes, the bond between us may always be there, but unless something changes--the bond will be there, butI won't. And then he said he needed to do some thinking and left a couple of hours ago. And, I've been trying to bring my fever down; keep from throwing up the antibiotics, too weak to cry, and every part of my body feels like its on fire. And it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he wasn't doing his "thinking" while shoveling money down a slot machine.

    If anyone took the time to read this long saga, I "thank you" from my heart. I needed someone to talk to, and any responses would be geniunely appreciated. Blessings to All, Carol.....

  12. kats1978

    kats1978 New Member

    for them to just give you that time that you need to make sure that you really love them or just part of the past, if i could give advise, I would say that you need that time off just to make sure that you and he are still on that path towards happiness. It is funny but sometimes you can see your self or see him with you if you just give it time, if all you see is yourself when you are happy, then maybe you should leave him. If you need to understand what I am saying then I would be glad to tell you again, in detail.
  13. dacer

    dacer New Member

    hi, believe me when i say i know it is difficult when your man doesnt understand but, you need to pack his bags and show him the door.have you applied for disability?? can you get state medical?? and if your doc said go to the hospital, you should be IN THE HOSPITAL!!!!! i know that thinking can get muddled and you feel so bad that you cant even deal with anything, but it sounds like your stress level is beyond too much. you may love him and he may even love you but you need to cncentrate on your health! or you wont be around to even be upset. take care of you!!! it sounds as though he has more problems than just dealing with your illness. and i am sure you know he is very selfish and unsupportive. there are other people out there EVEN IF YOU ARE SICK. its better to be without a partner and happy than with a partner and miserable. good luck dacer
    p.s. i know i sound angry, but idealt with something similar. taking the hard line will get you what you need in the end. stick to your guns and dont give an inch, tell him to cough up some cash, money is where the mouth is. i left my fiance after our first child and moved to another state to get away, let me just say that a wake up call is what he needed, we are now married with two children, ihave cfids and fibro, so he is the breadwinner. he still ahs difficulty with dealing with my illness but we are seeking counsling to help, your man needs a good kick in the ass! your house your rules! if he doesnt get help and prvoe he is doing so off he goes, and in the meantime if he has cash ofr some things he can have cash for you and you need a good lawyer for your medical, and put a lien on your boyfriends car!! be well.[This Message was Edited on 03/23/2003]
  14. Notonline

    Notonline New Member

    Someone once mentioned that when you're really sick you go through a grieving process...I believe that is very true, you grieve for the loss of the person you once were. Sometimes when you are close to someone that is really sick...I believe you also can go through the same grieving process, you haven't lost the person that you care about, but in a way you actually have, because they are no longer the person that you once knew. Everyone handles loss in a different way, some of us drink, others turn to drugs (prescription or other), some turn to religion, others find other outlets (destructive or good, wrong or right) and dive in full swing.

    This doesn't excuse someone from treating you badly...that's not what I mean...NO ONE deserves that. Maybe some separate healing time is what you both need. Work on getting better...and then do what you need to do to be happy in life (for yourself).

    You sound like a very wise woman Carol, I think you'll be just fine, you're in my prayers.
  15. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I am so glad you wrote again, I've been worrying about you all weekend & wondering how things were going health-wise & emotionally for you. I'm glad you somehow found the strength to talk to your soulmate, such a serious discussion is difficult when a person is feeling well, let alone so very ill. I think you may be right, that he is doing his thinking over a slot machine, which just underscores what a terribly grave addiction this is, one that he will need to come to terms with, though, on his timetable. I hope you can remain firm with him, and I say that fully realizing what a terrible heartache this causing for you, and that these decisions are never even close to easy. Please know that you have all our support & good wishes here, we continue to worry about you & hope you are feeling better both in body & spirit. Please continue to let us know how you are getting on, WE CARE!!

    Prayers going your way, Carol!

    --Pam
  16. pamela

    pamela New Member

    I too have been thinking of you this weekend. I wrote you twice before and Im here to write you again. I did read your lovely last post on this unfortunate dilemma and it was awesome!!! You could be a writer. Please take these lovely ladies advice. Its so very, very hard but they are right. All of them. They say it better than me. Please seek a lawyer, a native mature woman for help. You need to be in the hospital!!! I know they will give you a payment deal or even better since your income is so much less they have special programs that help pay your bills.!!!! I have been there. I had to leave my first majorly abusive husband because if I did not he was going to kill me. Either from the phsycological and emotional abuse or acutally hitting me and killing me. He was a drunk and a druggie. I could not stand it anymore. Before he even became that he was still abusive... but he held back on all that when we dated so it was hidden to a degree. After that I made the same mistake of dating more abusive people and I just bit the bullet even tho' it crushed my heart and let them go. Of course I wasn't living with them but still... My second husband just ran around on me from day one after we got married. He also turned abusive and yelled alot and threw immature fits if he did not get his spending ways. He ahd to go out and spend, spend, spend!!! He almost caused us to go into debt. But thankfully the Lord got me out of that one. He left. I thank God everyday still!!! Now, the last 2 guys I dated were also self destructive and abusive. I too packed my bags and walked out the door. It is hard and after you leave or make them leave you grieve, mourn and think "Oh what have I done..." "Was he that bad?" "Can I give him one more chance?" These personal thoughts we think about when we let these toxic people go... or when we leave ourselves are all a part of human nature. We all long to have someone and long to be with someone and have them love us and us love them back. This is part of our spirit. This is part of every human on the planet. But nobody can survive someone that is constantly running them down in the ground, spending every dime there is..... and money that is not even there!! That is what I had to deal with on the second husband. He wanted a BMW on a tiny little income. Like champagne tastes with a beer pocket book!!! I fought him endlessly!! Finally I gave in to save my sanity. He wanted the BMW so he could flaunt this lifestyle that he really did not have. He wanted to portray a image that he did not have or was. In the end he got the car and his $2000.00 clothes and golf clubs (that he ran up on a credit card)... and I got the duplex which Im selling this thursday and making a good profit on. He just filed bankruptcy this last October!!! Who won on this one? What Im trying to say here is they will bring you down one way or another. No matter how much you work it out...gambling and spending money is a disease!!! A very bad one. Look at all the people with huge balances on their credit cards just from going out and running them up to buy this and that. Im not poking at the people that have to live off of them...lord knows I've had to do that, but im talking about the ones that just go out and blow $$$ for their own personal selfishness!!! This guy your with...may have been great at first ...just like some of the ones I started out with...but they change. And when they change thats who they really are...sounds like to me he got with you also for security. You had the good job, house, land, nice furnishings...he may love you but people also have hidden selfish desires. I know that for a fact...my two ex's married me for $$$. I even had one admit it in the end. So please read again these replys...your a wonderful and caring person and your highly educated. Don't let your heart rule your head like I did all those years. Look at me now. Im beat up internally and externally. It ran me down to the nub. Literally!! My health has sufferred just like yours is doing. I was sick all the time with both husbands. I have been co-dependant so long...when I finally decided to take the plunge again with another man I told myself that I ws going for someone entirely different than before. Someone that I would never give the time of day. And guess what? It had been a God send. I found the most wonderful, caring, hard-working, understanding person on the planet. I took the plunge!! I decided enough was enough because I already ruined my life and soul from abuse. I woke up and really thought hard about it and said ..."self...people dont change" "I have taken enough crap and its time to go for someone that I would never think of going for." It turned out to be a blessing in disguise...and I prayed hard too. I prayed that God would send me someone my way and it happened. Im not saying you need to run out and look for someone...i'm just saying get well, kick this guy out to the curb, get your life back and be happy like you once were. Please dont let him manipulate you and tell you he will change. They will lie and hide it form you. It would take treatment and re-hab and all kinds of long and lengthy professional help to get him back on square one. And I dont know if that would even help...Read and re-read all these postst again. Go get some self help books or look up this kind of situations on the net. Hope I did not ramble to long but its a situation I have seen and been in way to long. Lots of Love...Pammy
  17. jamedw1

    jamedw1 New Member

    i sit here and read so many of your posts... trying to learn and understand... and it is important to me to be doing so...

    i have fallen so deeply in love with someone who suffers from FM... it's a new love for both of us, and right now my only regret is the distance (600 miles to heaven) that separates us... we hope to meet soon, and see if the other "senses" are as exciting as the ones allowed us, so far, have been... while i can't predict the future, i'm praying for the best, because i am so sure that this is the person i wish to spend the rest of my life with... she's a wonderful person... a great mom... smart... funny... prettiest smile you'll ever see... but behind her eyes lie so much pain and stress... i'm sure i need not remind you...

    makes me want to be there all the more...
    and while i may not be the answer to anyone's prayers, i know, now, where i want my life to be for it's final stages... (not TOO soon, i hope)... and i'm sure most will agree that a "team" is so much more preferrable than going it alone... and i want to be a part of this "union" more than i've ever wanted anything in my life...

    herein lie the irony... i read so many posts about how husbands/boyfriends and the such have lost their patience... have, in some cases, abandoned their mates through drugs, gambling, another's arms, or just plain indifference... and i sit here trying to figure out how to get my affairs (financial) in order so i can realize my dream... and these men don't realize that they already have what i would give my right arm for... (altho then the massages would take 2x as long)... they dont realize that they have the greatest "prize" in the world... not only someone to love them, but someone to need them as well... something i have dreamed of for the 10 plus years i've spent on my own... i cringe with every horror story i read about how some men can lose sight of the one thing that really matters in this life... someone to grow old with...

    and dont get me wrong... i relish the posts about those who have love and support in their lives... and it's those standards that i wish to live up to... it's those posts that give me strength and hope that i am on the right road for once in my life...

    love and committment is the ONLY gamble that im interested in... i think that's enough... and i'm not pretending to think the road will be an easy one just because i'm committed... but i want to follow through on this more than i've ever wanted anything in my life...
    and the 600 plus miles is killing me... every time i hear her tell me about the aches... the pains... the fog... i think of how i should be there to be making her life a little easier... whatever it takes...but i need to do it right, too... i need to be in a position where i will be more of a help, and less of a burden... and there's only 2 things that will stop me... her, or dying... and i dont want to give either a chance... :)

    my life will be her life... just for the privelege of trying to find ways to keep that smile on her face... just to know that when she's too achy to do chores, or too foggy to drive, that my hands will be hers... that and it will be my shoulders for her to lean on, and my back to carry the load... and all because i was blessed to find the one person i've waited my whole life for... now i just need to gap those 600 miles to 0...

    so laugh at me for being idealistic... scoff at my words because i havent walked a mile in the shoes of those that have lost their focus due to reality or whatever reasons... but never blame me for wanting what i want...

    and my prayers for ALL of you is for whomever it is you'd like to depend on... spouses, mates, your God, children, or just a friend... realizes just how lucky they are to have a chance to give back something to this life... by making yours a little easier...

    you can get there by yourself... it just isn't any fun without someone to share it all with...

    sorry for carrying on, but sometimes you just cant keep some stuff inside...

    i wish you all love, luck, a cure, and my prayers...
    and someone to keep you wanting all those things... :)
    ed
    [This Message was Edited on 03/24/2003]
  18. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    You are a wonder. I live my life awhole lot like you do, nature, finding innerself, etc.

    You deserve a 'bump' here for your story, others need to read it also.

    Take care and good thoughts, blessings,prayers, going your way from me and I know many, many others for your health and life changing decisions..........

    SHALOM! Shirl
  19. pinkquartz

    pinkquartz New Member

    i am too tired to write much but i wanted to say thank you for writing about yourself so openly.
    i have no advice. i think that you have been given a lot of excellent advice here already and i am sure you will find your heart-felt right way to go.
    i have difficulties with the man i am close to but i can't yet even get it down on paper.

    your life has been amazing so far and i really want to wish that you can find the help you need now from somebody else.

    with love
    pinkquartz