Marriage problems no romance , feel like we are room mates

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rosemarie, Apr 7, 2010.

  1. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    I remember when we were first married we were a normal couple with all the intamaties that go with it.
    Now close to 30 yrs later I feel like we are more room mates than a an intamate couple. I have fibro and several other chronic pain problems, my husband had type 1 diebeties and is on a insulin pump. We never were the lovey couple that has been portraded by TV and othere couples.

    We have had so much stress in the past year I know why I feel like a roommate instead of a wife, I don't sleep well at night and when I do come to bed it is early in the morning and I wake up my husband about an hour before he needs to get up. So I ended up sleeping on the couch no fun there, I still don't sleep well on the couch and nither does my hubby but I still don't want to wake him up at 5 am when he does not need to get up for another hour.

    I want some romance back in my marariage, I am trying to not act like I am sick , hurting ,fatiqued, ect, but it does not help when he comes home tired , not feeling good because of his blood sugars being out of whack. I may have fibro, DDD, end-stage oesteo arthritis in both knee's, arthritis in wrist ect. But I still want to be intimate with my hubby again. I know when I first was DX'ed with fibro that I didn't want to be aorund him touched ect. But now i have gotten my meds in order so that I take less but i don't know how to work this topic in to a talk with my hubby.

    When we married we had a instant family as I had a 21/2 yr old daughter, so finding time for romance was a bit tough as he worked long hours and at that time was drinking every nihgt so it was hard to be romantic when he came home drunk from the bar. that it not romantic for me. SO now he has stopped drinking, is on insliun, and does not eat right. But I feel so lonely and want my marriage back to be with my husband like we should.

    We don't have small children at home any more our kids do, we have 4 grandkids ages 12. 5, 3, 2 1/2 and two new babies will arrive this year. We have moved to a small home as we had too. I just want to feel like I am loved respected and cared about. Becaue i love him with all my heart and want to be a couple not roommates.

    I know that both our health problems make romance a problem I love my husband dearly, he has put up with so much from me in our marriage, as I have with him. Now with wedding anniveresary comming in Sept. I want to be a couple again like we should be. But how? I can't change the way he thinks, it has not changed in 29 yrs. When we were first married I worked full time as a dental Assistant, I had four female surgeries , two more babies, and hated to be woke up at 3 am . IF I said I was tired early on in the evening I was tired all the time. All night. I treid to tell him to giiive me an hour to get the kids to bed, take a bath, relax for a minute to go from being Mommy/dental assistant to a lover. He had a hard time understanding that. My husband felt that I just was too tired or in too much pain to be more romantic and loving.

    Now I understand that losing our house, his job of 20 yrs, being unemployed for 10 months and finally finding a new job that pays alot less than the one he had before. I dont' work any more because of the disabilities I have, i hvae worked hard to be more of a wife not one who complains about how rotten I feel. I also know that I have days where I dont' have to say that I feel rotten because it shows.

    I too am stressed from the loss of our home, moving in to a tiny house that does not feel like a home. I feel like I am losing a husband and gaining a room mate. Any help would be greatly accepted. . Is this just fibro realted or just from all the stress's we hvae been thru. I just want to be a normal couple who make time to be together , accept each other, respect and love each other, just want to be with be together as a married couple.

    HOw can I get my married and love life back or did I lose it to having fibro. I really want him to understand that while I do have fibro and other pain I still have feelings . Just because I hurt does not mean I don't want to be with him. We watch TV in seperate rooms, I end up sleeping on the couch when I do sleep. I just want to be looked at like I am a woman who loves her husband so much.
    I hope that this is not upsetting to any one.I
    [This Message was Edited on 04/07/2010]
  2. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    There are a lot of stressors going on in both of your lives right now. That can put a strain on any marriage. I know, I've been there. If you want romance and intimacy back in your marriage, you can have it. You just have to work on it. If it's important to you, make it a priority. Take care of it, nurture it like you would a precious possession.

    Talking to your husband about it shouldn't be that hard - is he hard to talk to? Are you embarassed about it? Intimacy absolutely has to start with communication.
    That to me is one of the most intimate things you can share with someone - your heart and soul, your thoughts...

    Also, romance doesn't start in the bedroom! Don't forget that. Get back to the basics. Try to remember what it was like when you first dated. Stick a little note in his car, lunch, whatever he takes to work. Call him during the middle of the day to say "I love you". Flirt a little.

    LAUGH. Find some personal jokes that just the two of you share.
    Kiss. Steal a kiss while he's doing a simple chore around the house. It doesn't have to lead to anything.

    Buy him a card "just because" - write a little love note - something simple - maybe even a little spicy.
    Believe me, I know when I'm in pain (most of the time) I don't feel like doing anything physical -however I try hard to make my husband feel wanted and loved. I do appreciate him so very much. We flirt a lot, we hug a lot. I talk a lot. You thought I was going to say "WE" talk a lot....HA HA. He's not a big initiator of important conversations, so I have to do that.

    We too watch a lot of TV in separate rooms and I sleep on the couch as well, because I wake up all night long. We choose one night a week (Friday) that we watch TV together and eat pizza. If I take a nap on a Sat. afternoon on the couch, I'll ask him to stay with me (of course I don't know if he's left or not), but it makes me and him feel good.

    You didn't lose anything to Fibro. It hasnt' taken away your ability to speak, your feelings, your heart. Every relationship goes through tough times, so you make adjustments. He's definitely going through a lot personally as well. He's probably feeling pretty crappy with the job loss, the home etc. That doesn't have anything to do with Fibro. You probably both need each other right now, but no one is making the move.

    Give him a big hug and hold on to him for a minute - then a kiss and tell him you love him and add something after that....
    Do something every day... soon you'll feel so good because you'll see how good he feels. When you show someone else love, it's amazing how loved you can feel and how much you start to love yourself as well.

    PS. give yourself a big hug as well Rosemarie. It feels weird at first, but really do it, you need it too! =)

  3. butterflydream

    butterflydream New Member

    at soon to be 30 years of marriage. That is wonderful !

    You & hubby know each other very well, all can be turned for better days.
    Janalynn says all so well in her post.

  4. AuntTammie

    AuntTammie New Member

    I read this yesterday and could not reply thanks to the lack of a reply I am too tired to re-read what you wrote, so if I am saying something that was already addressed, I apologize

    first of all, nearly 30 yrs is awesome - even though it seems tough rt now, you must be doing somethings rt & congrats are in order

    that said, obviously you want to improve things, and a few ideas that came to mind are simply talking to him about the situation - really talking, but in a way that lets him know that you are not placing blame on him or trying to add to the stress.....just tell him how much you love him, how much this situation hurts, and how you really feel about it all....and ask him how he sees it

    also, I know that finances are bad, but if there is any way that you could get away (even locally, even overnight) and spend some quality time together, maybe that would be helpful.....or maybe it's somethign you could plan for your anniversary

    even if that is not possible, what about having a "retreat" together in your home....see if there are any small ways that you can make it feel more homey, relaxing, and romantic....and plan some time to just be with each other, maybe talk, give massages, play games, watch a movie, whatever you both enjoy

    also, what about starting to try to schedule regular "date nights" with each other? once a week, or so, set aside time for each other, and only each don't necessarily have to do anything expensive or strenuous, or even take a ton of time to do so, but just putting each other and your marriage as a planned priority could go a long way....and barring emergencies, don't allow anything else to get in the way of keeping these dates

    or what about a virtual vacation (get videos of the place and/or books of it, make some foods that are consumed there, listen to some music that you would hear there, etc - the library is a good source of ideas for stuff like this)
  5. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    This is a common issue w married couples, we get lost in the day to day stresses of life (not to mention our dds). Even "healthy" people drift apart at times, married life is not always easy.

    My dh and I will be celebrating our 25th anniversary in June, I can't believe it's been that long! We have gone thru many dry spells also, and it doesn't feel good at all. He's been afraid of hurting me and knows I feel terrible so much of the time. Not very romantic, huh?

    I watched an epi of Oprah this week that was about couples who had slipped into the roommate mode and had sexless marriages. A sex therapist worked w them on regaining trust and communication to begin with. It was an interesting show (and I rarely watch Oprah!).

    I think the Dr's name was Dr. Laura Berman(sp?), and she has written several books on the subject. I'm thinking of ordering one from Amazon.

    Anyway, just thought I'd share...maybe check out O's website.

    We deserve more in our lives than pain and suffering! A little affection from our partners can really lift our spirits! Good luck.