marriage problems????

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ltarmand, Sep 15, 2005.

  1. ltarmand

    ltarmand New Member

    Is there anyone who is having marriage problems like me. I did a research and I have been sick for 5 out of the 9 years we have been married. everything from endometrosis, kidney stones, premature babies, fibro, etc. My husband is about to call it quits because he says I am sick all the time. The funny thing is that I still work Mon - Thursday 8:00 - 2:00 pick up my 5 year old from kindergarten, then get my almost 3 year old from school. And to believe it or not, my husband works shiftwork. I never am laying down on the bed because of so many responsibilities. Just needing to vent to see if anyone is in the same boat.
  2. poodlemommy

    poodlemommy New Member

    I know how you feel. I was married 14 years to a man with addiciton trouble. I supported him thru every plan he could go to. Then I got sick with fibro and cancer 4 years ago and he shut down and started using drugs more than ever. He couldnt cope with my health issues so dope once again was his crutch. The stress of my marriage was killing me and the cancer was the last straw for me to wake up. I love him and always will but the addiction was killing both of us. I was no longer being respected or made to feel loving anymore. I felt very alone and afraid. So in Feb we broke up and within a month he was living with another woman. Man did that hurt. Now I have been on my own long enough to know it was the best choice for me. My health improved greatly and my pain levels have never been better. I once again the woman he met 14 years ago but Im not going back to that roller coaster of addiction anymore. I will save it for a kind , gentle man who wants to spoil and love me for a change. I have never known what it feels like to have someone take care of me for a change and it would be nice. My heart aches for you, I know how much pain your feeling. Be strong and look after yourself. Remember you always have choices so make the best ones for you.
    hugs. poodlemum
  3. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i too had what everyone that was the perfect soulmate marriage. well long story made short, i was working 4-5 days a week w fibro/ broken shoulder and buldging discs. check out my bio. it long and i think i can add more today. anywys he used to be in the uscg, got out of service he started working in a bikini bar in san jose, ca we was 30 years old, drinking more and then, he had 2 affairs, i justified it to being told he is bipolar and an alcoholic that is what the psycologist told both of when we went for couseling. then dringking and bipolar stuff was not in denial about it because honestly wasn't exposed to that side until after he was out of the coast guard, and the first 7months after he was out my son and i were living at his parents in michigan awaiting for him to get a job w/us customs, fbi, dea, dav. so in the meantime he called me up and asked my if i cared if he took the job as a bouncer. i said only if if couldn't keep things in perspective. well he got used to being basically single and etc. and yes he is very handsome. sorry i rambling here, but one excuse he said he wanted to move out and divorce because i popped so many pills, well i was just taking excedrein migrain, no pain pills cause they didn't wqork anyways. well it was his justification for him to have an affair in his head. he mentioned i took too long grocery shopping. heck could've done it himslef. i would like i stated doing dental assiting. and usually always p/u and dropped off our son at daycare or school. plus all of the other things.

    i what i'm trying to tell you, you know how you feel and it is real. and your husband does not obviously understand how you feel. and sometimes they say things they really don't understand. and remind him the vow you more than likely took like myself for sicker for poorer and you would be there for him or maybe you already have. ask him to please go the docotor w/you and counseling. i never advise divorce for anyone because it is very painful. but if there is any abuse going on mentally or physically i advise get out it file papers immediately for at least separation. but this doesn't seem to be your problem.

    it took my x-husband to have a neighbor tell him she overheard his conversation he was having in regard to my fibro/ and she told him she had it and had to get a spinal in her back just to try to get back to work. then one day he called me and told me he saw a program on it on t.v. so he understands now. but still working on our relationship and our personal challenges we both have. we may just be friends or ???

    wellif you can you both should try some counseling atmeinmum have go go with you to doctors. and try not to ake it personally about him saying you sick all the time.

    a big hug for you!
  4. rileyearl

    rileyearl New Member

    I'm sorry you have to deal with the inequities of relationships on top of everything else. It sounds like you're running yourself ragged trying to do everything. I think you should worry about yourself and staying well enough to take care of your children.

    What occured to me when I read your post is that one of the people in a marriage doesn't have to be sick to have the exact same issues. Your husband is whining because you are sick all the time. He could just as easily be whining because he doesn't like your cooking, your mother, the kids taking all your time or anything. He has been there for all your illnesses and pain. If he doesn't have any compassion for your and the ongoing symptoms,he's got a problem--not you. Anyway, just a thought. Try thinking of how your marriage would be going if you hadn't been sick? Would he still be complaining about something?

    I hope my input made some kind of sense. There isn't enough caffeine in the world to wake me up all the way or to make my foggy head clear anymore. I'm sending you good thoughts and a hug! Take care of you!

  5. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    but seems you might be better off letting your man call it quits, if thats what he wants to do and he moans all the time then what good is he??

    I stayed with my last husband for 11 years trying to make it work. I was only with my current and last husband two years when I got sick and it was hard for both of us to come to terms with but he now takes care of me. We've been together 13 years now, he's younger, he's handsome, he could take his pick but he loves me and he shows it, he takes care of me.

    There are some decent men out there Itarmand, dont waste your time on someone who wont give you any support at all. Maybe if you turn the tables and tell him you want to call it quits, he'll get a fright and change his ways.

    Hope you can work something out.


    [This Message was Edited on 09/16/2005]
  6. orachel

    orachel New Member

    Is certainly very very much shorter lived than yours (I've only been married for 2 yrs, and sick for abt 3.5 mos...but nearly bedridden during that time). I can tell you that my husband, who is normally the most supportive, unselfish amazing guy in the world (ok, I married a saint! LOL) said a couple of really hurtful things to me right around the time of my diagnosis and for a few weeks after that. I don't think he meant to be hurtful, necessarily....He'd gotten some BAD info from a Dr. (imbecile!) who called Fibromyalgia (what I have) a "MENTAL ILLNESS" my poor husband thought it was all in my head, and was trying the "JUST PULL YOURSELF UP BY THE BOOTSTRAPS!" tactic to try to help me. Plus, he ran across a few really antiquated articles/studies on FM that basically said it was caused purely by depression...

    OY. We had a REALLY rough time of it (but ours was only for a month or so...i'm so sorry you have to deal with this all the time!). The way I chose to go about fixing it (after I had my major emotional flipout in response to it...not very productive!) was to educate the heck out of him! I started a word file on desktop, and got a 3 ring binder, and "copied and pasted" every article I could find (with appropriate info) into one of these 2 storage opts. I also went over the "spoon theory" with him (great article on here...just do a search for it.), which made a big difference. And finally...I did a lot of research myself that was written from the perspective of spouses of those who are chronically ill/chronic pain sufferers. I realized he was probably suffering mentally as much as I was, and that this disease didn't just attack got us both! Its natural for people diagnosed with chronic conditions w/ pain and their spouses to go through the entire grieving process...just like in dealing with a death. Perhaps your hubby just got stuck on "ANGER", and needs to speak to counselor or something to help him get past it. Plus, theres a few really good books out there for us sickies to tell us specifically how to deal with spouses for everything from help with kids and housework, to not being able to socialize or be intimate as much as we might want to/or used to.

    And, of course, its possible (though I sure hope not), that your husband has decided to transfer his anger at the disease and the crummy situatioon (which is perfectly normal and healthy to a degree) to anger at you. And honey, if this is the case, as terrible as it might be, and as impossible to imagine your self single, you might need to consider getting out (or possibly he's serious about throwing in the towel himself). If he refuses to at least work on compassion for your situation, and understanding of your very real limitations, and possibly to go to some counseling together with a psychologist who specializes in pain management and rehab (they're out there...I just found one!), it might not be a healthy situation for you to stay in, period. I'm so sorry to say that, and obviously that's the very very last straw to consider. But if you hunt around on these boards, I've run into a lot of people who got sick initially or became much more ill after dealing with a "toxic" relationship. And that is the last thing you need!

    I hope this half a book was helpful to you. If you like, and can figure out how to get the proctor to send me your email address, I'll be glad to forward about 70 pages of wonderful articles about fibro/chronic pain/fatigue to you. This is a compilation of the information I used to gain my husband's understanding and support. So, if you want that, just let me know.

    So sorry for your troubles. Here's wishing you Blessings!
  7. orachel

    orachel New Member

    You go, GIRL! That is a wonderful healthy attitude, and so so very happy to hear that your health and happiness has improved. You know what they say....We can't really love someone else, or allow someone else to love us until we learn self love. What a great example you are for other women in BAD relationships (even if the guy has a heart of gold...some relationships are just toxic for us!).

    I have no doubt, with your amazing attitude, that kind, gentle guy will somehow find you.

    Hugs...and pat yourself on the back!
  8. Bailey-smom

    Bailey-smom New Member

    I had my 10th Anniversary in June. My first surgery was 3 months after our wedding and I have been suffering with FM pain since an auto accident 7 years ago. It has not been easy to say the least.

    At times he seems to understand that I am unable to do everything he would like but at other times we fight & argue because the house is a mess or because I don’t feel like helping with outside chores – the list goes on & on.

    There have been times when we have talked about calling it quits but we love each other and we took vows that said for better or worse & I think FM is falling into the worse category.

    I, by all means, do not feel that staying together is right for everyone. My parents were divorced when I was younger and the whole family got along much better. I am not in your shoes and only you know what is right for you.

    I wish you well.

  9. Mareeok

    Mareeok New Member

    I was married 25 years to a man with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). It's a horror of a syndrome. They either hate you or love you. Worse than his physical abuse was the verbal abuse. After about five years I knew he had a serious problem but didn't know what it was till I came across a book in book store entitled, 'Walking on Egg Shells'. It should have had his picture in it because he had every single symptom. However, I loved him and wouldn't turn my back on him because he was sick. if he had cancer I would support him. Ironically when I developed chronic pain and fatigue he had no empathy for me at all. Blamed it on me. Blamed everything on me. Tried to turn our two kids against me. He divorced me and after I was in therapy I realized a lot of his 'problem' was deliberate. He said, "I am not the kind of man who will stay by a woman who is disabled. I won't do it." I still believe that a disability doesn't have to wreck a family. Selfishness does.
  10. ltarmand

    ltarmand New Member

    You seem like you know me exactly. In fact, I have had problems with my family, my mother and father's family. And my husband "forbids" me to be involved with my mother. I feel this is one of my problems that make my fibro so bad. I just this past week called my mother and went to see her (my grandmother passed away at the end of last year and it caused alot of problems with our family). I know my husband has been trying to protect me but I need my mother. I feel like he has said that he needs to move out and I am at the point where he does because I think he has a sertious problem and won't do anything about it. I have no one to talk to about this because I have excluded all of my family members because of his viewpoints - i tried to talk to his mom one time (who I am very close) and he was pissed. I think I am ready for him to pack his backs, if you say that you are going to leave, then do it.

    Thanks for all of your support.
  11. orachel

    orachel New Member

    I just didn't realize from your first post that an aspect of your situation was husband's attempts (for whatever justification he tries to put on it!) to isolate you from your family. That is SO hard to accept, in that you feel like you're constantly havin' to choose between family and spouse. I've been there (in past relationship, thank goodness not with my hubby) and it can just tear you up inside. Here's wishing you the strength and ability to reconnect with the family you've been somewhat isolated from...I also understand how it can be very difficult to really heal relationships w people you love who you've lost that real "connection" with, for whatever reason.

    Good luck, and hang in there. Honestly, if he's made his decision, and you've made peace with it...then really you're halfway to healing and acceptance of the situation, already. That's wonderful to hear!

  12. rileyearl

    rileyearl New Member

    I'm glad what I wrote rang a bell with you. I don't want to push you toward a decision either way. You will know what you need to do--what is the best path for you.

    Do you write in a journal? I know that's a silly question with all you have packed into your days. I just know it really helps me sort things out. One time at a poetry writing class, the instructor led us on a visualization. When she reached a destination, she told us to open our eyes and begin to write when we were ready. I started writing and amazed myself to see a whole plan for leaving my marriage pour out onto paper. I mean down to the last detail. I was so surprised that I waited a whole week and then reread it. That night I told my husband I was leaving. I felt like all the answers I'd written to my own unasked questions were a gift. That was in 1989. I still keep a journal--sporadically. Sometimes the answers still surprise me.

    You need the rest of your family for support now more than ever. Take care and keep us posted.

  13. ltarmand

    ltarmand New Member

    Thanks for being such a good support to me. Yes, everytime my husband and i had any discussion I basically "took note" so we couldn't go back and say that we didn't say these things. The longer we go in this silence with our children, the madder it makes me. I am going to have to do something today or tomorrow, I can't go gon like this anymore.

    You are so sweet to offer your thoughts.