Married 30 years; husband leaving

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by caroleye, Mar 15, 2009.

  1. caroleye

    caroleye New Member

    Long time since I posted, but have hit a huge crisis in my life. I've been disabled since the 80's; now diagnosed w/Lupus, CFS & FM. It's been progressive for me; had to completely leave my career in the 80's; did some part-time counseling for kids until 10 years ago when I could no longer drive. I'm now 67 yrs.

    Married since l980; but he just lost his job & having a nervous breakdown. So lost his identity, and wants to "leave". That means I'd be alone with no family or friends as we've moved alot.

    I'm terrified of this, as now dementia is setting in, and I can no longer trust handling any financial dealings at all.

    He's trying to sell our very large property & find a small place for me. Meanwhile he just says, I'm going to do what I want; when I want as he searches to find his identity. He's totally self-absorbed, angry & takes it out on me which stresses me & worsens all of my symptoms.

    When he travels, I can go into semi-seizures; and being in a rural area, I don't feel safe.

    A counselor told me he could work through this transition, but who knows how long it's going to take, and what the outcome will mean.

    Anyone relate to this scenario? I so dislike "dependency"!!

    Light to all................carole
  2. AuntTammie

    AuntTammie New Member

    I can relate a ittle, bc I am divorced, but we were not married for that long, were divorced due to abuse, and have been for along time.....still I know how bad it feels to have someone you love and planned to spend the rest of your life with change into someone you don't know, and do hurtful things, and I know how it feels to have your hopes and plans wrecked.....and I do know the fears of being alone with a disability......anyway, I wish I could say more that would help you, but our situations are quite different overall....I can say that I feel so bad for you and I will be praying for you.

    You said what the counselor told you about him, but what outcome would you like to see out of all this?
  3. stschn

    stschn New Member

    Other than to let you know that my heart and prayers go out to you I am at a loss for words as this is so overwhelming to me I can't even think what it must be for you. I doubt that any of us like dependency but it's certainly a lesson that I've learned and I'm sure I'm not the only on this board. with love Joyce
  4. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    You should apply for low income housing with your local Housing Authority. They are normal, but very cheap apartments. And they have tons of help for people like us. They have pullchains in every room that set off an alarm if you need help. They have traveling nurses that will come and check on you every week if you like and it's free. You can setup your rent payment so they take it directly out of your account each month. Then you don't have to worry anymore. All major utilities are included. You just have to pay for net/phone/tv separate. My building even has a little bus that takes residents to the store three times a week for free.

    It takes awhile to get into one of these buildings but it is worth it. Think about it for your situation.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things will get better for you.
  5. Empower

    Empower New Member

    I am very sorry to hear that you are going through all of this

    I so HATE dependency too as I used to have a very successful career and now I can't work either.

    My suggestion to you would be to find a very small apartment in a town, where you have neighbors, someone very close by. Maybe take the money that you will make off of the sale of the property

    I would hate to hear that you are alone out need people nearby

    Good luck and keep us posted
  6. caroleye

    caroleye New Member

    Thanks for all your input. I guess in hindsight, he's been of great support to me as my illness hit when we first met. And we enjoyed our times together most of the time. But I could travel with him on vacations, etc., and no longer can I. So he's feeling it's time he had "his" time.

    Because it's only been the last 6 months since he lost his job/identity, his confusion doesn't allow me to sense if he's going to come out of this or not.

    I've never lived alone, and don't like the thoughts of it. Although I've always been independent in terms of a career, etc., I've always had a partner.

    The good news is that he is in weekly counseling at my request, and his behavior is not continuous. So I guess I'm sitting on the fence praying that he'll resolve this huge transition and we can stay a couple. I'm not into any kind of abusive behavior, so this isn't a situation I could handle if it became more permanent.

    One night he'll explode; next morning, there's a love letter that we need to work thru this together. So having vented the above, I guess given he supported me for 30 years, the chances of him returning to that place are in our favor.

    Thanks for listening.

  7. ladybugmandy

    ladybugmandy Member

    carole i am so so sorry you are going through this. i wish i could help.

    i am wondering.....was your CFS triggered by a flu-like illness?

  8. caroleye

    caroleye New Member

    Sue, yes, I started getting flu-like symptoms more & more frequently.
  9. Meg1710

    Meg1710 New Member

    Hi Carole,

    So, so sorry to hear that this is happening to you.

    Just one question, is your husband on anti-depressants? It can make a world of difference to them.

  10. caroleye

    caroleye New Member

    No, neither one of us are. He won't take medications, and I can't tolerate them.

  11. Shananegans

    Shananegans New Member

    I hope this situation gets better for you. I recently went through a divorce because my significant other couldn't handle me being sick as well as he thought he could. We started off with him being very supportive and turned to him being controlling and neurotic. I can't compare to your 30 years but I know what it's like to think someone will be there forever and then watch them blame you for everything that goes wrong in your lives.

    I truly hope the counseling helps him through this for you but if it doesn't there are people who can help you. Being that you are over 65 you can contact the Senior Services in your area (I know you are barely in the bracket but there nonetheless) and they will be able to help you with your situation, even as far as sending someone out to you to make sure you are okay to finding you a more suitable location to live where there are people who can help if you are alone, or they can even find you a roommate so you are not alone. They are usually state run but fantastic people (at least in my area) and are there to help. So if you need it or even think you might, use it. And I agree with one of the other posts, contact a lawyer and prepare for the worse. Although hope gets us far, being prepared gets us further.

    Wish you the best!
  12. shari1677

    shari1677 New Member

    I'm 41 and have been divorced for about 4 years now. I was diagnosed with FM 5 years ago. My family does not believe I am sick. My few closest friends do not believe I am sick.

    I am alone.

    I am not as sick as you are, but I sure know what feeling alone is like. I have a 14 YO daughter I have to keep strong for, but, when she moves on, I don't know what to do.

    Is there perhaps a small apartment complex you could move into? I have thought about that when my daughter gets older.
  13. caroleye

    caroleye New Member

    I'm fortunate in that my husband is now helping me/us? find another home, since we now live on a 5 acre horse property which is totally unmanageable for him, and I had to rehome my horses as well.

    I, at this point, believe he's trying to find a place where he can live if he resolves his present transitory crisis. It truly is about the loss of his job, and with that having no "purpose", and having to come to terms with that empty space.

    Something shifted this last week, as he is acting much more normal so the stress has reduced alot. He spends alot of time networking for his next job, which keeps him busy and away from the stress of our move when that comes.

    I'm aware of my rights and I do have helpers right now, so am fortunate in many ways. I just have never seen a person go thru a nervous breakdown before and how the behavior is so different and scary. One of the symptoms was "disassociation" which makes you feel like they don't care about anyone but themselves. That one is disappearing as he's checking in on me regularily; asking how I'm feeling & if there's anything I need, so there's more "hope" in this scenario.

    Thanks for all your input. Life is so unpredictable, but especially when you're disabled, elderly & dependent. That's when "going with the flow" is the most challenging.

    Healing Light to us all...............carole
  14. Shananegans

    Shananegans New Member

    So glad to hear things are better. We all have to worry about each other even if we don't know each personally. Sometimes this board is the only proof we have that we aren't crazy, we're sick. So when one of us has a problem, we all worry.

    Wishing you the best!
  15. bobbycat

    bobbycat New Member

    He may change his mind after he works through this. I hope so.
  16. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I will keep you in my prayers. I am glad you are doing the practical things to try to get through this. The emotional part is more difficult and I'm glad you have a therapist. When I was going through a very painful divorce, my shrink told me that it's OK to go into "Survival Mode" and take one day at a time, making sure to get my rest and de-stress. I know, easier said than done.

    God bless you. Please let us know how you are doing.

    Love, Mikie
  17. caroleye

    caroleye New Member

    Well, still the good & the bad, but much less. We're doing a postnup to cover me financially til I pass. He's talking/acting more normally, but probably because we're living in separate parts of the house.

    He's acting like a "roommate"; only sleeps here; goes out to eat, etc., and communicate by phone about our postnup, sale & new home. Lately he's been talking more about "us" rather than "me, me, me". Putting this postnup together really gave him a wakeup call as he had become totally irresponsible in taking care of "our" finances. And now he's made sure any assets are in "both" names.

    He's still traveling 3 days a week "networking", and I'm sure playing alot. Whoever said it's the "emotional" part is so very tough was right. Being "alone"; unable to drive; no family or friends leaves an empty hole in my stomach, which worsens my horrible gastritis, etc.

    Of those that have been thru a separation like this, just how long did it take you to adjust to the loneliness & being so heartbroken?

    Thanks for listening & being of support. Just lost & feeling helpless. Can't bring others into my life, as I'm an empath & just take all their baggage on. Feel like I'm in a bubble "box".

  18. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    First I am so sorry for this hardship. I strongly suggest you contact a attorney and explain everything. If you are not strong emotionally and physically, you want someone to help you - to make sure you received your 1/2 of the assets you both have. Please don't just sit back and let him take everything - it can happen.

    If your property is worth alot of money, it would be easy for him to put you in some dump, and then go on with all the money and leave you in a mess. Simply, you need to make sure you get 1/2 of all the assets. You can always hire someone to help you keep track of everything -there are bookeepers, accountants, or call a CPA and talk to him.

    They can help you with a budget based on whatever money you get. I would call and interview several attorneys to see who seems to really care. Then consult with a CPA and explain you need help with a personal bookeeper.

    Good luck
  19. deb_46

    deb_46 New Member

    about four months ago. He said he had an appointment with an attorney last week so I keep holding my breath everyday waiting for my doorbell to ring to be served with divorce papers. He turned 50 a couple of years ago and literally went nuts. I don't want the divorce but he doesn't give a crap what I want anymore.

    He left me knowing I had noway to make a living but then I was finally approved for SSD on July 1st so even if he no longer wanted to take care of me God stepped in. Good luck with your situation, you will be in my prayers.

  20. steach

    steach Member

    I'm so very sorry to hear of your situation. My heart goes out to you (((hug))).

    I have a few of suggestions which could help. I used to work for Adult Services/Social Services.

    If I am understanding this correctly, you feel that you have dementia setting in. Talk with your doctor about this- get an MRI, see a neurologist, find out what meds are available, etc.

    Another thing, if you don't feel competent handling financial matters, you can always use a financial company to be your representative payee to pay your bills. They will pay the bills for you and send you or a designated person the rest of the left-over money twice a month. A company may even be able to reduce your financial obligations due to the situation.

    If your husband's doctor does not feel that he is competent to handle his medical affairs, financial affairs, etc., a guardian could be appointed for him via a mental health commissioner.

    A secure apartment or condo may be an alternative for you.

    I wish you all the best.


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