marw (Margaret) and others who miss the old self ..

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by jaltair, Feb 25, 2006.

  1. jaltair

    jaltair New Member

    I wrote this in November of 2003 to share, but here it is again:

    Where is the person called “I?”

    There is a stranger in a mirror, and that stranger touches it's shoulder, a familiar touch but yet so unfamiliar, someone looks back in the mirror with a puzzled look that look is familiar yet so unfamiliar.

    The mind makes the body walk with extremities that feel like they have leaded weights attached, forced movement, careful movement. The body has pain, like a flu that doesn’t pass, with all muscles hurting. The pain has its own mind and decides to move to areas that do not make sense. The body is so tired, a sick tired. A battle between the mind and body.

    The mind maintains, during the day it’s important to maintain. The mind keeps the body functioning so work can be finished; and then the mind lets the body leave the place of work and go home. The body wants to lie down and close its eyes and sleep, but the mind makes the body’s eyes stay open, while the mind goes to a misty place, not quite where the body is.

    The body feels so tired; the mind allows the body to put the head down, ah sleep. The sleep hurts, the sleep is not restful. And the sleep that isn’t restful causes the mind to wake up, and then the body to have pain and nausea, and the mind won’t focus. The mind is not quite there, but back in that misty place.

    Where is that person called “I”?

    “I” would be out of bed at the crack of dawn ready to mow the lawn and work in the yard to get a really good sweat! Ah, there’s a memory of how the body and mind felt when sweat came!

    “I” would look in the mirror and take a shower touching firmly and cleaning firmly every inch of the body until it squeaked, and then be dressed and eagerly waiting for what might come that day with a smile, and feeling warm and “golden” all over.

    “I” would be cleaning the house all in one day, all the corners, and even preparing for meals, doing the laundry, shopping for groceries, running errands . . .

    The person that was called “I” is missed and grieved for.
  2. elastigirl

    elastigirl New Member

    So beautiful.
  3. how very true..i miss I too..thanks so much for your post.not many NORMALS realise how we suffer as regards the missing I.i suppose our family members miss I also.oohh the price of this horrible syndrome.
    i kind of like to think that waiting..along with all the others I,s to return to their rightful owners very soon,we sure will welcome our old friend back with open arms,thats for sure.

    kind regards
    fran xx
  4. jaltair

    jaltair New Member

    Thank you for your responses. The feelings that we have are sometimes so hard to put down on paper to share, I hope that this does help some of the newbies to know that what they may be feeling is "ok" and that they are not "out of their minds" to have some of these feelings. We all want that old self back and learning that you have a chronic health problem isn't always easy to accept.

    There is an "Autoimmune disease support" group on the MSN Group that is also really helpful, and the group is attached to the "Autoimmune Information Network, Inc." It was formed to provide information on available resources for those who have autoimmune problems; FMS and CFS may be autoimmune related. Some of you may be interested in checking this site out. You can use Google to find it.

    L, Jeannette
  5. marw

    marw New Member

    Oh, how perfect this is, and beautiful in it's way! I cried when I read it, bcause it is so true, and you told it just as it happens.

    I just cannot thank you enough for posting this. I am copying to my folder of things about Fibro....I hope this is alright. I always give credit to people who write things, when/if I pass them along.

    I so hope that someday we have our "I" back! I was thiking aout this just tonight...just now,in fact.

    I am so late coming here because I had a CT scan today. I posted the details of this on "****ATTN MARW**** thread that I have going with "getfitat40" (Nancy) because we live close together and have been trying to find a time to meet. But you are welcome to read it, and anyone else. I didn't think about posting it separately, but it might be a good idea, as it shows what one goes through when they have allergies to Iodine.

    Thanks you again for this wonderful, wonderful post that explains better than anything I've read what this disease is like. Sometimes I just cannot believe it, do you know what I mean? (BTW: I noticed just now that you wrote this the month I was forced to retire from this illness.) One reason I still haven't posted my Bio and pic, is that the only pic I have is before the illness, where you can see the "light" in my face, which seems to have gone out now. But maybe I will post it anyway with an explanation.

    LOve to you, and many thanks,
  6. jaltair

    jaltair New Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I wrote as I felt at the time when I was really grieving for my old self. I'm glad that you were "tuned in" to it.

    Please post the picture with your bio. With these DD's, we still look normal to others, I know that. I hear it all the time.

    I hope that you and Nancy can connect, it would be great to have another so close to visit with.

    Love, Jeannette
  7. marw

    marw New Member


    Thanks for the encouragement to post the pic and Bio. I will do that. I keep procrastinating, but don't know exactly why. At night I seem tohave the "fog" sometimes, and then in the a.m. trying to get something else done, but I will do it, I promise. Thanks!!


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