mean children

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by mlrarr, Aug 11, 2006.

  1. mlrarr

    mlrarr New Member

    Do any of you out there have children that no matter what you do for them they just keep breaking your heart? I have a daughter who at the age of 18 walked into our house after school and announced that she would be able to come and go and do what ever she wanted to do and if we didnt like it she would leave and take our grandaughter with her. Well that is just what she did that day!!
    She up and moved to Fl where she met and married a convict who beat the hell out of her time and time again. After about 2 years and another kid, she begged us to come home which we let her. We paid for her trip. When she got here she only had one change of clother for her and her kids. So we went out anf bought her and her kids everything. We got her an appartment and then my husband cosigned for her a new car. Now I didnot want him to cosign because I knew she was the same old person, demanding ungreatful but NO my husband was so overtaken by all SHE HAD BEEN THROUGH yeah right whill I was at church he went and cosigned. Well that exconvict flew out here and they go married without our knowing and one day she came over and said she was leaving with him back to Fl.
    She only made about 3 car payments then we had to pay. We had to refiance our house to get out from under that payment. That jerk she was with wreck the car-he has no license or insurance-. Anyway hes back in jail now
    We got our name off the car and guess what? She had another baby by a different man!! Now three kids. I didnt hear from her for a year.
    Now she needs money I get this email that says we never do a thing for her. That her poor kids dont have a grandpa or grandma because We wont send her money to support them. The cars broke down the kids have no clothes ect...

    Now I have 6 kids at home who love us and are great kids. I told my husband Im done with her. I just cant keep up. This isnt bank o Melinda. She cant keep using the poor kids card. She did let me know that if I didnt send her money I cant ever see the kids or her and while thay grow up she will "fill them in" all about my husband and I. I am so mad at her!!
    I think if she wants to ge a grownup she should do it herself. We take care of our kids why cant she take care of hers.
    All this makes my symptoms worse. Im so tense and sad and mad at the same time.
    Thanks for letting me vent...

    Melinda
  2. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    mlrar:

    Not kids, but family members. When I did well they wanted some of the cream of the crop ($$$).

    The answer was NO regardless of the reason. I watched the ones who asked go downhill.

    Had I given the money it would have gone downhill with them.

    You are certainly a good mother to put your faith in the hopes that you can straighten out a misguided life.
    God love you.

    nyrofan
  3. jrose

    jrose New Member

    sorry you are having so much aggravation. it's time to cut the cord."she made her bed now it's time for her to lie in it" I feel sorry for her kids though. I told my daughter when she was 17 to leave and live with her father because she was obnoxious and abusive to me. She grew up,has a beautiful son, and a good job. Hope your daughter grows up soon. Judy
    [This Message was Edited on 08/11/2006]
  4. kjfms

    kjfms Member

    sorry you have to go through this.

    I have never been able to wrap my brain around this kind of behavior.

    I simply can't understand why people always blame everything on their parents instead of taking responsibility for their own actions and choices in life.

    You hang in there and stick to you guns you sound like a great mother to me.

    Best of luck,

    Karen :)
  5. mrstyedawg

    mrstyedawg Member

    It sounds as if you have really done all that you can for her. Do not let her blackmail you. Tell her that she must do what she has to do, but you will not give into her threats.

    Sorry, but she sounds like a spoiled rotten brat who is used to having her own way and is using the love you and your husband have for her against YOU!!

    Be strong,
    Andrea
  6. mlrarr

    mlrarr New Member

    I just get so mad. I sit and think where I went wrong. The rest of kids are not like that. We have always been so close as a family. Its like she could care less. Its her way or no way. I just breaks my heart but I will not give her another dime!!! If she will not let me see the kids so be it...
    Thanks again for listening...

    Melinda
  7. sandyblue

    sandyblue New Member

    should be your reply to that nasty e-mail because it WILL catch up with her. Tell her that her children learn how to treat their parent from her behavior and that someday her children will treat her the same. I sounds as if she has no conscience. I myself have been privy to this behavior by my sister instead of a child since I never had children of my own. My sister is a drug addic. Does your daughter have a drug problem?
    Drug addics behave in this manner alot, they use bribary as there means to get what they want, and that is to support there drug habit. My sister has been an addic for over 21 years. In 1985 she was shot 4 times at point blank range by her then husband whom went out into the dessert and killed himself afterwards. The good Lord chose to save her and she even became religious for about 6 months. But then she went to heck with the drugs and no matter how hard we (my family and I) have tried to clean her up, it has been to no avail.
    Finally this past year I have had to remove myself from her life. Last June she busted out my windshield because I was honest with her probation officer. She also stabbed out 6 of my tires in impliments of 2 on 3 separate occassions in order to keep getting even with me. Earlier this year she came back into my life and I was fool enough to try to forgive her one more time. Little did I know that she found out about a settlement I got for a drug that I was put on that had side effects. At that point in time I needed her because my right wrist was shattered (a side effect from osteoporosis) and needed help getting around. She embezzled over $5,000 out of my bank account little by little over a 2-1/2 month span while I was on heavy meds for the pain and after 2 surgeries. It was an expensive lesson to learn, but I have chosen to let her go for good this time, sometimes you have to give up and look out for yourself. That is good that you have learned that before I did. She is still in my prayers that someday she will straighten out. I hope, pray and live for the day that she finally admits to her evil and tries to make ammends, but I have decided that I will witness it from a long distance and won't let her back into my life. She doesnt know it now, but she has lost one of her best friends (me) and someone that has been rooting in her corner for all these years. But I cannot let it bring me down and make my condition worse.
    Good luck to you Melinda, my heart goes out to you for being the good person that you have been to her and her children. One can only hope that her lessons in life will be early and that she will come to realize her meaness early on in life.
    Take care and God bless.
    sandyblue
  8. charlenef

    charlenef New Member

    i am a firm believer in tough love my sister still takes advantage of my mother at 39yrs old.i choose not to get in between them anymore.the only way to get your children to show appreciation is to let them fall flat on there face. i know shes your child and you dont want to see her suffer but in the long run its better for both of you. hope i havent offended you good luck charlene
  9. i can so relate to how you feel.i have mean kids too.they still live at home with us,and continually mess their lives up,and i have in the past paid their bills for them.

    i just cant do it any more,the money is gone now.they diss respect me so much,when i tell them,no,no no.

    but as much as i love them,i will not help them any more.and as there is currently a link on here about us going into a home in the future,should this illness get much worse.

    ill gladly go into a care home.im not living with my kids when im old.they wont even take care of themselves let alone me,and they get so aggressive.

    in my opinion the none fibro people have a problem...we sufferers are handling things ok.kinda makes me feel the sane one.

    kind regards
    fran
  10. mlrarr

    mlrarr New Member

    She wants us to put 300 for the cost of that car so that she will not have to pay Fl taxes. FORGET THAT!! I told my husband to put 0 on it that way Florida will assess the value on the blue book. LOL just rewards uh?
    I think you are all right. Sometimes we just need a little push and the ok to do what needs to be done with kids like this. Our mother radar gets in the way. Well that and the love of our grandkids..

    Thanks to all. You are always there when we need you guys...
    Melinda
  11. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I know I missed most of this and I'm a little late in responding, but the others are right.

    Your daughter will never grow up or take responsibility for her actions as long as she has you or your hubby taking care of everything for her.

    She really doesn't have to...She's using you both because she knows you'll both (or one or the other) will be there to bail her out of whatever type of trouble she gets into.

    You guys are her safety net and if you take that away, she'll soon realize that she'll either fly or fall flat on her arse with no one there to lift her up.

    Hopefully it won't take long since there are children involved....but the fact that your other kids aren't like this means you've done ok....it's not your fault, it's always HER CHOICE!!!

    Hugs and good luck,

    Nancy B.
  12. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Melinda,

    My elderly, widowed mother has gone through everything that you are going through now with my sister who is now 47 years old.

    My parents bought her every vehicle she has ever driven, whether she was married or divorced at the time. She has been married 4 times -- 2 times to the same guy. They were all losers and she began to think just like them.

    When my father retired, he spent all of his savings to buy her a small cottage so she would always be guaranteed a home to live in--he knew he only had a few years to live and wanted her taken care of before he died.

    All they did was enable her to continue to be a loser.

    After my father's death, her sad stories, excuses, "hard times" stories still pulled at my mother's heartstrings. She continued to pay for her car, its insurance, her property taxes and insurance, monthly utility bills, and even bought her groceries.

    By doing this, my mother was barely eating to save money, turned her heat down extra low and she stayed cold all winter, and etc.

    When she "borrowed" my mother's Visa card just to get her son a pair of "much needed" tennis shoes (the most expensive in the store!) and then the young teenager proceeded to charged concert tickets for them and all his friends for 2 or 3 different concerts in close-by cities ..... amounting to $750 ..... that was it!!!

    I blew a gasket!!! I had a long talk with my mother and convinced her to cut the apron strings once and for all. Practice tough love. She did. It broke her heart, but she refused to help her any more. I called and informed my sister that she was to never, ever ask for Mom's Visa card again, and if she did I would have it cancelled, and then press charges against her.

    Of course none of this went over well. But she had already run up another bill on my parents' account to the tune of $1500 just before my Dad died.

    She later wrecked the car so many times and after the last wreck and it was towed to the impound lot, Mom wouldn't get it out, and she could not afford to .... so she lost the car.

    It hasn't been pretty for my sister, but my Mom is now free from her blackmail, threats, etc. They still talk and ocassionally Mom will give her food ... but never money to buy food, since she will buy cigerettes instead of food.

    Long story short ..... don't give in to your daughter's threats and blackmail. Cut her off now. Don't wait until she is almost 50 like my mother did to realize that you are not helping her to grow up by bailing her out at her every request!

  13. Lynikins

    Lynikins Member

    suggest that same book,,, Boundries ,,,I'm reading it right now ,, with alot of crying,, I've seen what I've done wrong with my soon to be 18 daughter.. Its a great book,,I didnt get a chance to learn healthy boundries, as a child, so I just lived and raised my kids on what I knew. This book is known to get people delivered! The enemy loves us to be boundry less.

    Melinda,, Most of us if not all of us grew up in dysfunctional, families or families that didnt have healthy boundries. And if they think they didnt,they have awhole other set of problems that we (dysfunctional) might not have to get around to face.... so none of us are perfect or even near perfect. We just keep learn'in....

    Sounds like you have a great family,, just keep prayin for your girl...

    Love
    Lynn
  14. Lynikins

    Lynikins Member

    Wow, I just read your post. How many bro and sis do you have,, did it cause division between them because your mom and dad gave so much $ to your sister? I have an aunt and uncle who did that for 2 of their 4 kids, and some dont speak to each other cause of the hard feelings.

    Glad your mom cut the apron strings,, maybe your sister will learn to take care of herself...


    Love
    Lynn
  15. tinkerbellsmom

    tinkerbellsmom New Member

    Hi Melinda as well as others going through this same thing with out kids using our grandkids as pawns to get what they want out of us.

    My heart goes out to you. I am going through something similiar with my son and hateful daughter-in-law and she has her demands that I must meet, like I HAVE to come to their house to see the baby, he can't spend the day or night with us, but can with her folks and it hurts more than words can say. She has written me the most hateful, lying, cursing, emails and so has my son.

    I raised him in church, homeschooled him, disclipined him when he needed it, took away privilidges, time outs, but once he turned 18 he got out with the wrong crowds involved in drugs until it almost got him sent to prison. he says he loves us but his actions are far from it. Disrespectful,curse at us call us names, and will call wanting to borrow money from us weekly, when he knows we are struggling financially with my hubby on social security and has heart problems, trying to work at Wal-Mart to make ends meet, because I have no health insurance, can't draw disability or SSI, but yet he has cursed me out because I would not write a hot check for him to deposit in his bank to cover checks they went out and blowed on crap they did not need, they both have a big spending problem. I refuse to write a check I cannot cover just because they went and wrote more than they have in the bank every week.
    They have now already filed bankruptcy, only been married almot 3 years this coming April, only have this one baby and do not plan on having any more, he was my only son, and it breaks my heart for them to not let me see him unless it is on her terms, at their house when she says, and I am not physically able to get out and go any time I please due to exhaustion and pain of FMS and CFIDS, which she says is Bull----. They both think I have nothing wrong with me because I look normal and once in awhile, I may have a good day and be able to go out to the store, but then the good days do not last. Neither of them will read anything about it, and I have had it for 17 years and my son knows what I used to could do but can't now.

    Well, sorry, this is so long, but my heart goes out to you. We don't want to harden our hearts, we have to forgive, but you can't forget and God did not intend for us to be doormats. God said for Children to obey your parents, not the other way around. I have never seen so much disrespect as there is these days from kids and I've told them, they are setting the example and are going to reap what they are sowing when their son gets older, and trust me, they will!

    God bless you all and I will keep you in my prayers. There is a support group on MSN for Grandparents Without Grandchildren that might be helpful for you if you have the time and want to join it. I did, but had to give it up, just didn't feel up to it and had to let go and turn it over to God because it was way to big for me to handle. It almost made me have a nervous breakdown and my illnesses much, much worse.

    Tinkeysmom
  16. mlrarr

    mlrarr New Member

    Well I did it. I overnight mailed her title to her car- that we paid off- so that way she cannot tell the DMV we didnt send it to her. Then I came home and deleted and blocked her email. So now she cant send me anything nasty. My husband and I talked it over and we will still send the kids presents through the years but nothing in the form of money or gift cards. When we send walmart gift cards she spends them on herself.
    My heart is just breaking. When I grew up my mom tought us that when you get married you have to stand on your own two feet or your not ready to get married. You are not playing house this is real. If the need came up and as she used to say "there will be hard times" they would be there. I have been married for 26 years and I have only been to my parents 2 times for help. Once to move to California after I got this DD, because I could not stay where it was cold in the winter, and once after I had to quit work because I was in so much pain.
    I have tried to raise my kids right. My 20 year old has a credit card. She just bought a laptop and the funny thing is she didnot buy it until she had the 900 saved first so that she could pay the bill when she got it. My 16 year old is the same way.
    I sure wish they came with manuals so everything would fall into place. LOL...

    Thank you to everyone who posted..
    Melinda
  17. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I have 2 brothers and just the 1 sister. By my parents helping my sister so much has never caused any problems among the rest of us--it's a wonder though!

    My brothers always termed my sis a "loser". My father always told us we all were very fortunate that we did not need any help and he would have helped us if we needed it.

    However, after my father's death, my brothers have just about disowned her because of the way she has taken advantage of our mother.

    My mother says her neediness all of her life will be adjusted in the will!!!!