Misery & Pain; Insights & Dreams; Thoughts & Vents>>>>>

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by catgal, Aug 30, 2003.

  1. catgal

    catgal New Member

    Hello Everyone~~{This is long, but hopefully worth reading}

    I want to "thank" all of those that responded to my "Am Very Sick" post. Your care, concern, comfort, encouraging words, suggestions, and time you took to write kept me emotionally & mentally going and nurtured my aching Soul.

    I finally got in to see my physician who wanted to put me in the hospital, but still have an $800 bill from last hospitalization to pay and just couldn't afford another big bill, so he loaded me up with scripts and a lecture about bedrest.

    I have been resting, taking a ton of meds, and the adominal pain has stopped, but am still very weak, tired, mentally numb, and when I get up to shower feel exhausted & sick again.

    However, I have been worrying constantly about losing my job, having no check next pay day, and missed paying my bills this month (August)due to so many medical expenses and missing work (no pay), and I have always been good about paying my bills. Collectors have been ringing the phone off the wall while high late fees pile up, my good credit rating is going to hell and knowing that no matter how I feel by Monday--I'm going to have to go back to work.

    As I lay awake at 4:30 this morning, I thought alot about what it is to live sick all the time with so many ailments. And I couldn't remember the last time I felt GOOD, or the last time I enjoyed doing something, or how long I have struggled to keep working cramming 5 days into 3 days a week, or worrying about missing so much work, not being able to pay the bills because if I don't work--I don't get paid, or losing my job due to absenteeism and falling behind on all the paperwork. I couldn't remember the last time I had a day out in the sunshine to see the sights of this Beautiful Country. I lay in bed, rest, take pills, and dose off & on watching TV all just to be able to work the next week.

    And this is no kind of life. No Quality of Being.

    I looked around my home that was once so pretty, well kept, and in order, harmony, and peace. While over the past three years has fallen into such disaray, mess, and clutter. I would be too embarrassed for somone to see it.

    At the age of 54, there has got to be a better life. And I am determined to get it IF I can ever get well enough to find it.

    For I still have a Dream left. I have honed my therapeutic skills for over 30 years, maintained a passion for doing therapy while all my other therapist colleages have dropped out, burned out many years ago and went into something else. My Spiritual Journey has only grown stronger through these past 30 years as I've grown, learned, and listened. I always have a waiting list of clients from all over the area and neighboring states just to get an appointment. For despite all my trials and tribulations with my illnesses and pitfalls in life~~I can say with humility that God had blessed me with being a unique and extraordinary therapist.

    My dream for some time now has been to be able to quit my structured, 8 to 5 day job that takes such a toll on me and create my own therapy website where I could work from home on my computer and also with a laptop that would enble me to work from wherever I was. And to incorporate a specialized type of therapy for those with chronic illness--for God knows I have the experience first hand. And to also be able to travel and do workshops, lectures, and consultations. All at my own pace that doesn't drag me down or force me into rigid time schedules like now.

    I am not a quitter, and I am not going to let these ailments stop me from having the life I have always wanted considering my disabilities. Instead, laying there at 4:30 in the wee hours of this morning--it came to me that as my ailments have gotten worse over the past 5 years that maybe they are trying to wake me up, tell me it's time to quit the usual workday grind, and take the LEAP I've always wanted to take--work for myself at my own pace instead of killing myself working for an institution that makes alot of money off of me for all the clients I see (cramming 5 days work into 3) and paying me a fraction of the money I bring into them; being totally free to do my unique style of therapy that I developed over 30 years the way I want to do it instead of being told to rush my clients through like cattle so they can make MORE money off me; being able to work at getting my two completed books published and finishing the third about Living a Quality Life With Chronic Illness. And being able to travel to do workshops, lectures, & consulting on all types of therapeutic issues including topics such as The Spiritual Journey of Chronic Illness, Having a Quality Lifestyle With Chronic Illness, Living Alone With Chronic Illness, Overcoming the Griefs & Losses in Chronic Illness, Creating A New You With Chronic Illness, etc.

    For over the years of my own chronic illnesses and often being bedridden, I have spent a great deal of time drafting & outlining numerous books, booklets, lectures, and ideas for Inexpensive Retreats for the Chronically Ill. From my own experience, I know that most of us don't have alot of money, but many of us would love to go to an inexpensive Retreat for people with chronic illnesses wherein you can be pampered physically, socially connected without duress, emotionally uplifted, mentally invigorated, and spiritually nourished. And through the years, I have researched and investigated how this can realistically be done in your home towns all over the U.S. Just think--an inexpensive, Relaxing Retreat specially designed for you.

    And while I lay awake in the wee hours of this morning worrying about losing my job, making ends meet, feeling my body aching with pain and exhaustion, and closely examining my quality of life--while simultaneously believing that everything has a reason, holds a purpose, and even has a direction if we can just open our minds to it--somehow all my fearful thoughts and worrying made a U-turn, and I started thinking maybe losing my job could be the best thing that ever happened to me because I am not a quitter, and the only other direction I would have is to finally follow my dreams.

    And for the first time in longer than I can remember>>>I felt myself genuinely smiling inside...then fell asleep.

    I woke up later this morning with bill collectors calling, a messy house, piles of laundry, still feeling ill & exhausted, and knowing I HAD only a few days to start feeling better, get all these infections on their way to recovery, calm the pain down in my back so I could stand up and walk, decrease this exhaustion, and somehow get my FM/CFS flares under control in order to go to work next week--but I was no longer worried and frazzled about being fired, or my quality of life, or my lack of direction/motivation/inspiration.

    To paraphrase Joseph Campbell, "....I've been struggling up a ladder that's against the wrong wall for a long time". Sruggling to do work in an agency that I can no longer do; struggling in a life that no longer fits or defines me and one which cannot give me the kind of quality of life that I desire under my circumstances; struggling to find the energy to struggle. At 4:30 in the morning--this "struggling" to force some kind of quality of life did not make sense. Killing myself at work to make the Program more money did not make sense. Spending every weekend recovering just so I could drag myself back to work to the same thing over & over did not make sense. They wouldn't care if I dropped dead as long as I finished the last session so they could get the full hour's money. They have made a small fortune off of all the pamphlets & booklets I've written over the past 11 years on various mental health issues (depression, sexual abuse, domestic abuse, dysthymia, PTSD, chemical dependency, the spiritual journey, loneliness, relationship addictions, etc)while I have not received a dime for them nor a raise. They advertise me in the newspapers to draw in clients, then work me to death seeing one client after another all day long then complain because I can't get all the paperwork done in 3 days, and in return I get no benefits, don't get paid unless I work, no insurance, no retirement, and then pay me a fraction of the money they make off the clients I see.

    They don't believe in FM/CFS (and I work in a hospital)and when I'm down with an FM or CFS flare--they think I'm faking being sick.

    Sorry this is so long, and for those of you who took the time to read it all--I truly appreciate it. Being alone in this house for several days and so sick--I needed to share and vent. "Thank You for listening".

    Now, I am running a fever again and everything hurts. Time to take my meds and rest. Thanks for being my anchor in the midst of a storm; I am grateful for your kindness.

    I hope each of you is enjoying a painless, feel-good weekend! Blessings to All, Carol.....
  2. pinkquartz

    pinkquartz New Member

    cos i am very very tired.

    i ahve been waiting to find out how you are.
    i think your idea/decision to get on with your own work is spot on.

    i can't bear to read how they treat you where you work.
    is this your weak spot ? you are selling yourself way too cheap.

    the final straw for me was reading that at htis hospital they don't believe in CFS/FM and think you are faking, yet they are using you to bring in patients.

    isn't there a deep contradiction in there?
    go for it carol.
    you are being exploited. thats wrong. and you don't get what you need from them.
    i wish i had a skill and ability like you. i am in a poverity pit and its not a good place.
    please get your rest and get yourself working for some one who appreciated you, YOU !
    love, pinkquartz
  3. sumbuni

    sumbuni New Member

    Your age rang bells for me. I am 55 (and 56 within months), the fatigue and pain has been here for many years, just no diagnosis except "you sure tryin awfully hard to be sick, girl"..."Keep it up, you'll be just like mama and just talk yourself into bein laid up sick" (In her case she died at 76, after 6 months in a nursing home. She had arthritis so bad, and suffered so much. surgeries, and therapy, she finally began to draw up and couldn't stand even with help...I asked him if he was telling me that his mother wanted to be sick and suffer the way she did)..

    Dreams have come and gone, as have the chances to make any plans to achieve ANYTHING. Right now I work from 40 to 60 hours a week in a factory. I am tired before I go to work, and that can't even describe the way I feel on most days when I get home. If I lose my job, become disabled, there is no where to go, no one to pay the bills. Yes, I have family, and those who would help, bless their hearts, need help worse than I would...the others? Well, lets just say they don't understand, and leave it at that.

    If you can pull yourself together, and push yourself hard enough to catch that dream, then Carol, GO FOR IT! How I wish I could find something to do that I could control the work pace and the income! Would be Great...

    So....YOU GO GIRL!


    God Bless you and give you the strength and energy you need to get there from here!!

  4. mamacilla

    mamacilla New Member

    carol, i think your dream is wonderful and that you should pursue it! many, many women have achieved the best in their lives after age 50. (since i had my 51st birthday last month, i am holding on to this!) i think the hospital you work for treats you very shabbily and you are worth far more than that. i once had a therapist who told me her dream job was to be a therapist on a cruise ship. i hope she does it someday. i always ask myself in a scary situation, "what is the very worst that could happen?". that seems to help me and calms me down.
  5. Juloo

    Juloo Member

    I had to say, your dream of a retreat for the chronically fatigued is wonderful. My husband used to tease me because I told him I wanted to go to 'Sleep Camp' -- and in my mind, it would have the perfect bed, the perfect naps, good, healthful food fixed and delivered with a smile, and gorgeous scenery to relax and revive us. I wouldn't be questioned, or disbelieved. It would be all about renewal. I hadn't thought my fantasy in so long -- thank you for reminding me.
  6. Chrissy3

    Chrissy3 New Member

    Hi Carol,

    You are one gutsy lady and I feel sure you will move on to better things soon and be more appreciated.

    I have CFS and I can relate to working for people that dont care or appreciate. I have worked in my Company for 17 years and I too spend the weekend recovering and worrying about how I will get through the next week. My manager says alot of my problems are in my head and cant abide anyone with any ailment. I no longer care or have the energy to give a damn what people think anymore.

    Maybe one day I will walk away and do something that makes me happier.

    Life is too short - I hope you feel much better soon and find the strength to live your dream,

    Best wishes

    Chrissy xx

  7. vnr27

    vnr27 New Member

    i have 6 kids and ws widowed in 95 iwant to start hair school, and im 44 with major panic attacks, no job lots of bills but god gets me through every month my rent is 1150 bills car payment i live in new york very high cost of living but god gets me throuh you owe it to yourself to do what makes u happy please i beg of u go f t m chern u on, g bs an u l feel better, psalm 34 always pulls me through.love val
  8. LBV

    LBV New Member

    I hear you standing for yourself! Put your energy into YOUR dreams, and what beautiful dreams they are! You said something in an email that really touched me and has stayed with me. It is funny how we(you) do things with the gifts we(you)have so effortlessly. I think your dream of the online therapy is great! I know there are many times that I would love to have professional therapy, and the internet would be perfect for someone like me. I don't have much free time except late at night, so I figure I will put me last and stuff it down and not talk to someone (sound familiar?).
    There is no such thing as impossible! A woman in her 60's who started medical school was once told, but you'll be over 70 when you graduate, so why. She replied, in ten years I'll be 70 whether I go to medical school or not, and it has always been my dream. As far as writing, look at Laura Hilldebrand who wrote Seabiscuit. She has severe CFS and wrote very little at a time, but she wrote. And look at her now. She doesn't talk about can't or settle with the fact that she had such a big hit, she is talking about how she is going to "manage" her disease so she can write her next book. You will be the next Laura Hilldebrand! You too will tell your story of doing the seemingly impossible! And I will tell everyone you are from Oklahoma and that I used to email you long before you were famous ;-}
    I encourage you to write Laura Hilldebrand, even though she is famous, she might share her motivation to do what she did with a fellow writer/sufferer.

    You are only as great as the dream you dare to live!
    I wish you the best of luck!

    ps. sounds like you are already a wonderful writer, you just need a new publisher,one who works for you not one you work for!
  9. catgal

    catgal New Member

    I truly appreciate all of you who responded to my post. It was the BEST medicine for me, and I can't express what your kindness, support, & encouragement has meant to me except to say~~You've Given Me Wings!

    I am s-l-o-w-l-y recovering from what-all and whatever has made me so ill. I went back to work this week filled with anxiety that I would be terminated due to being off work sick so much (especially the past 3 weeks), but my clients were lining up to get appointments and so happy to have me back, and my boss said, "They refused to see anyone else--said they'd wait on you--so you'd better get busy". Then he added jokingly--"We thought about advertising your position, but was afraid we'd have a mutiny on our hands". So that relieved my anxiety and made me feel much better, but I had to work my butt off these past 3 days, and I am having a bit of sickness relapse because I was so weak, still ill, and exhausted when I went back to work this week.

    Plus, the forest fires are raging all around us with smoke as thick as fog. Everybody is having respiratory problems, red eyes, and burning sinuses. Our Village has been put on "Notice" for a possible evacuation as two of the forest fires are headed in our direction with one of them only 13 miles away.

    I hope you all have a happy & pain-free weekend. Bless you for your responses to this post--you got me back on my feet again and motivated to make my dreams a reality. "Thank You", Carol....