Misplaced Similes and Metaphors LOL!!

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gapsych, Mar 6, 2009.

  1. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    This sounds familiar. I hope someone else did not post it. Just in case no one has, here is a good laugh.


    A friend sent me this in an email today. I have no idea where he got it from or if it is even true that high schoolers wrote them. But it is laugh out loud funny.

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one ofthose boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse, without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstone s leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

    18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work .

    21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

    25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    These are hystori..hyster, really funny. Think they were all written by the same warped mind.
    Possibly one that had been in contact with that Thigh Master.

    My favorite is number 6; bad vocabulary.

    Tell your friend her day brightener was greatly appreciated like when someone
    brings a casserole over to your house just to be nice and not because your
    grandmother died.

  3. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member



    PS Whaahhahhhaaa!
  4. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    thing, Julie. Although not reflected in my post, I was also thinking about nose milk. I guess
    if great minds think alike, it's probably also true for small minds. Ya think?

    Hi, Rafiki. I didn't catch what you said. Could you please repeat?
    Thank you too many.

  5. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    There is a contest held every year at some university, where people send simile and metaphor entries like the above.

    Of course I can't remember what the contest is called. If I find out, I will post it.

    Anyone else know the name of this contest?

    My creative switch is turned off today but anyone want to try one? I really need a laugh!!

  6. PainPainGoAway

    PainPainGoAway New Member


    "The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

    I'm going to tuck that one away for future possibilities...

    Gap, how about this one...fits along the lines of the teens' metaphors above:

    "Life is like a sewer and I'm trying to wade through her".

    It's actually the line in an old song...it came to my mind today....I need some laughs today too...this was hilarious!

    [This Message was Edited on 03/07/2009]
  7. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    Instead of breaking wind, the aging baby boomer gave an inhaled snort that was both primitive and crude like a dysfunctional whoopee cushion about to implode.

    Looking at the sunset together, it brought them joy somewhat like discovering that someone really horrible has children so horrible even they don’t really like them.

    Cindy, good start!!![This Message was Edited on 03/07/2009]
  8. jole

    jole Member

    They listened to the storm whistling through the trees as if a child had become the referee of the universe.

    His thoughts were as dark as the time he opened the fridge in the night to find the bulb burned out.....
  9. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    Very good. Very very good.

    I am trying to think of one that has to do with how quickly fruit flies appear on fruit but can't get any farther than that.