Mom is in rehab and is struggleing with being grounded in reality

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rosemarie, Oct 17, 2012.

  1. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    I had a phone call from my 18 yr old neice telling me to NOT call her MOm and tell her that our mom watned to talk to her. My sister can't emotioanlly deal with Mom declining health and has made it known that she will not be around to help mom with her daily care like bathing ect. I am not to call her for any reason, to not bother her when Mom is having cohearnt and in reality, there moment she is there, the lights are on but no one is home.

    I can't do this on my own and I can't tell my 845 yr old mom that she is NOT to call her daughter to talk to her as her daughter does not want to talk to her or have any thing to do with watching her decline in heatlh. She will not help mom with bathing any more sshe says that is due to her back, but MOm only weighs 89 lbs fully dressed. My sister does not want to be around to watch her mom get worse menatally. and has said so to MOm and to the rest of us.

    Mom has no memory of the conversataion that my neice told her about last week, "Grandma , please don't call my MOM as she is suffereing emotinally with your decling in health and it upsets her. So if you would please respect her wishs seh wil come and see you or phone you when seh feels she can deal with the situation. MOm does not remember this for as long as it takes to tell her about it again. She has wanted to talk to my sister today but she was not answering her cell phone and is not going to return her call. MOM thinks that my sister can do all her phyical threrapy and personal hygene as well and my sister has told me and the socal worker that she can't or won't do it. It is too hard for her.
    So I have my MOM upset with my daughter who make the mistake of telling her that
    her aunti does not have the nessary training to help grandma keep impoveing and eating , drinking and exerciesand spending up to four to 6 hour s a day with her so that she will not be alone all day. MY daughter works 10 hours a day and is gone all day. When MOm is left at home she does not eat even when seh gets meals on wheels, she drinks less than 20 oz of fluid daily. Her kidneys are failing and her heart is builidng up fluids in her lungs. she needs more help than we as family can give to her.

    My husband got a new job and we are going to be moving in at the first of teh year and I won't be able to come to logan daliy of even weekly as I jsut don't haev money for gas. I will retain her medical power of attereny as that is her wish and I will have the papers with me at all times. I will try to come over as often as I can but that is not enough for some one who is 85 and is alone for up to 10 hours a day.

    I wil do as much as I possialbey can for my Mom as she has always been suportive of me and I will be the same for her. My brother has her control over her money so when I go in and speak to the socal worker about what MOm will need in order to live at home again. I will of course talk to my brother and let him know via the social worker how mom's condition is doinng and if she feels that it is safe for mom to be left alone for 10 hrs a day. IF medicare won't pay for the added care my brother will have to do it with MOm 's money in whwcih he is in charge of.
    I wlil ask the sockal worker what her thoughts are and if she feels as I do I will ask her to speak to my brother as he thinks I over dramatize mom's decling health and that I ouuuut right lie about it to gain attention. Why would I do that? I Love my MOm and I would do every thing I can do help her I always will.
    The issue is that my sister has some mental issues and is not willing to assist in careing fore our mother and I can't do this alone any more.

    I ahve done it for years, stayed for days at out of town hospitals leaving my family home to fend for them selves just so that MOm does not feel lost and alone and does not know any one around her. It scaress her and she has asked me to stay and not leave her alone. I have done this for many years, NOw with teh health issues I have it is harder for me to do but I will keep it up as long as I can.

    Is it wrong of me to talk to the sockal worker about mom and telling her that she needs more care than family can give to her. And ask what kind of care is best for MOm. That is the biggest concern for me. I don't want MOm to feel that we just dumped her off at a home adn left her there alone. I want her to have quality care for her, and maybe it would be best to hire a person to stay with her durning the days and another one at nights when my daughter is going to see her inlaws in another state. I don't really want to leave her in a home as it will upset her and she will go down hill even faster as seh will not have some thing to keep her in touch w ith the real world, like she does at her house, My grandsons who are 5 and two help to keep MOm in the land of reality. With out then she does not do so well.

    I can't tell my mom again that her own daughter wants nothing to do with
    careing for her when she is ready to come home to stay. she does not want to talk to her about it and does not want the rest of us to call her and tell her how mom is doing. She has emotional issues and is nost coping at all. But then who does when you are around your parents at the dend of their lives when they decline adn forget what is real or not. I wish I could take her to my home and care for her but I can't, I can't care for her as much as I would like. I can't bathe her or make her drink more fluids. I am sick with fibromhlaigia, oeteoarthtiritis in both knee's , back bulgding disc's, I need both knee's replaced and I have my own problems that I dont' want to discuss as they are important to me adn may be not so much to any one else.

    I am at my wits end and can't function very well. I saw mom a daaay ago and told her good bye I would see her later. she really thought that I was comming back before her dinner time and she was paniced that I didn't come back to her unit. I was eshusted and went home. Where I stayed.
    AFter I spke to her she did eat her dinner but was still upset with me for not doing what she thought I was going to do.
    When we move I don't have the money to come over every few days as it is a 30 minute drive th rew a canyon and in the winter the roads are really nasty so I would not see her for weeks at a time
    when it stormed. I don't want to leave her along and feeling abanded and lost and alone feeling as if her family has left her for good. Pleaes help me if ou can. Am I doing the right thing telling her socal worker that she needs more care than we as a family can give. Please let me know what upi fee;/
    I love my mother dearly adn want her to be happy and content with life and to be ableee to have the care that she really needs, to be abel to have some one make sure she eats adn drinks is the best thing for her. NOt having my neice;s take care of her as they really don't want to do that. I am behind a rock and a hard spot. I can't be left alone to watch my mom slowly loseher battle with life and her memories. I feel like I am failng her. What can I do?
    Thanks for letting me vent to you. Sorry this is so long.

    HUGS to all. Please be gentle in your thoughts of me and how I should handle this situation.
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about the difficult situation. It's pretty frustrating when we
    want to help, but can only do so much. And equally frustrating when we think
    other folks should do some things, but they won't.

    I grew up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic family. The most therapeutic thing I
    ever did was move 1500 miles from them. I left them to deal with their
    own drama and turmoil.

    Your situation is much different, of course, but you are limited, as we all are, to
    what is possible. Your health will not permit you to do all you would like to do,
    and you are stuck with that unpleasant fact. And you may have to to
    explain that firmly, briefly and politely to your relatives. Decades ago I read
    a couple books on saying "No" to people. Very helpful.

    As for communication problems, it is up to you as to whom you will speak and
    what you will say. You are under no obligation to tell or not tell. Decide what
    is best for you. You can't operate under the guideline of what is best for other
    people, because you often don't know. Sometimes even they don't. And frequently they change their mind anyway.

    I decided years ago a good epitaph would be: Well, he never did much, but he
    did the best he could.

    So you decide what you think is best, what you can actually do, and act
    on your decision. Nobody can do more than that.

    Good luck

    PS: Yes, I know. Always easier to cope with other people's problems.
    Take a break now and then. Find a funny video on Youtube.

  3. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Active Member

    I had the sole care of my mom, my brother did nothing except come to visit her about once a month. It became apparent that when she fell she couldn't live alone anymore and she couldn't live with me and my husband. So I started searching for a close by assisted living place. She fought it tooth and nail and sulked with me but I knew this was best. Funny thing is once she got moved in and she realized this was the way it was going to be, she went with the flow of things. She lived there for about 3 years until she passed away.

    I don't know how things are in your state, but in calif. once you move in, and run out of $, they can't toss the person out, and have to accept what is paid by the state. Check into this. Obviously your brother needs to be involved in this too since he has control over her $.
  4. Beadlady

    Beadlady Member

    I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I don't have any answers for you--my parents have been gone for years. We tried to help my husb's dad--even considered moving from the west coast to the east coast to help him. He didn't want us and told us to stay away.

    Good luck to you.