Mother - Feeling Guilty

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by PVLady, Feb 18, 2006.

  1. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    Lately I have been trying to figure out why I feel so guilty about my mother. She is now age 90, in poor health.

    For several years I have had her in a nice assisted living place. It is to the point she needs a skilled nursing facility - she has severe degenerative disc disease, alot of pain issues.

    Sadly, my mother has been the most toxic person in my life. I don't know why. My doctor, who also sees her, said she was narcissistic and he understands how I feel.

    The problem is, even though she is less than 15 minutes from where I live, I don't go see her, except for some emergency. Even as she got older, she never stopped being mean to me. It was this way my entire life.

    I look at other families who are taking their parents into their homes or spending alot of time at the nursing home, overseeing everything and compare myself.

    With my situation, if I was around her I would have to see a psychiatrist myself. I cannot handle it. Many would think her behavior is because she is old. The truth is, she has always been like she is now.

    She is demanding, lies, mean to other people, basically everything revolves around her in every way. Growing up,I could not wait to get out of the house. I married young just to get away. I guess it was my own survival instinct.

    Sometimes my brother and I try to imagine what it would be like to have been in a home with parents who we felt loved us. We were such cute little kids. We have a picture of ourselves together - I was 2 and he was 5.

    I look at those cute little kids and remember how we were treated. It took me years to get over it. When I was around 28 I read the book "Your Inner Child of the Past" -

    It was a life changing experience and I did alot of work based on that book to overcome the damage from my childhood. I really have not overcome some things.

    For example, I have a hard time feeling I deserve success in my life. I started a business several years ago, and it has done well. But for some reason, somewhere in myself I feel I don't deserve it - I feel guilty and many times depressed.

    Does that sound ridiculous???

    There is a book by Dr. John Sarno called the "Mind Body Connection" - I can't help but think the Fibro/CFS is connected to my emotions.

    I tried several times to talk to a psychologist but never seem to find one who I like. I somehow wind up thinking the psychologist has more problems that I do.

    Has anyone else grown up with toxic parents? and if so, how did you deal with it as an adult?

  2. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    I do see her, but you are right, I don't stay long. Basically, in and out just to make sure all is ok.

    I have always made sure she was cared for and had the best medical treatment, etc. Its just personally, I can't be there for her.

    I am not trying to hold on to the past, believe me. I wish I could just be objective and let it go - it is not that easy I guess.

    Thanks for your response...
  3. lana33

    lana33 New Member

    I read your post and realize I could have wrote it, up until 3 years ago. My mom died but up until she died we were never able to bond. I used to blame it on so many different things. I also had the guilt feelings but not as bad as I thought I would before she died.

    She was bipolar and had lots of medical problems but she wasn't crazy, she always treated me bad, at least in my mind. I never was validated cause she used to deny everyting way before she got sick.

    I always wanted to be close with her but never could. My daughter and me are close and I hope it stays that way. She is a teenager and she has her ways but I don't think she feels by me like I did by my mom.

    I didn't mean to go on and on, just got to thinking about it all and wanted to write.


  4. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    Thanks, anyones response helps and I appreciate it. This has been on my mind for so long I decided to throw it out here.

    To be honest, I don't even feel she was like a mother to me. That sounds so bad. You know, all I have done for her, she never would have done for me.

    She is very unappreciative. One of the worst things she has done over the years is talk me down to other family members - even though I was the only one who ever helped her. When this gets back to me, I am devastated.

    My brother has done nothing for her, but he can do nothing wrong. I guess this is a familiar story....

    I have heard, just because someone "births" a child, it does not make them a mother.

    I have to believe these type of toxic parents contribute to making us sick.
  5. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    Thanks, I am pretty sure the people at the nursing home think I am terrible not visiting her. I don't feel like telling them why, what is the point?

    Two caregivers even called me to say she was lonely. Actually my brother comes to see her, so that makes her happy.

    I have handled the financial end of matters. I have worked hard all my life to get over the damage she caused -I guess I still am...

    Thank God I have a husband who really loves me. Before we met, I felt no one in this world ever really loved me.

    I think my conflict is that I am not the type of person who would not take care of someone in need. For several years I took care of another elderly lady whose daughter moved out of state and abandoned her.

    When I found her she was in bad shape, very malnourished. Such a sweet lady, but I never blamed her daughter because of the experience with my own mother. I don't make judgements because you never know what went on.

    My mother is sweet to everyone else, however very mean to many "fellow residents" at the nursing home. It is unbelievable.

    I should delete this entire thread, it seems kind of silly to be talking about it now.

  6. lana33

    lana33 New Member

    I don't think it is silly at all. It is hard for me to put up these kinds of posts cause either I get ignored or I feel that it was silly.LOL. Another thing I have going is my insecurities.

    I also have a brother (only 2 of us). He came to see my mother in the last 20 years about 3 times. Two of them was during the year she died. Actually it may have been 4 times.

    My brother was her favorite. He is the youngest. He was so spoiled by her that he just left my father's home at the age of 37. He got married then. He thinks everyone owes him. For what I don't know.

    He used to try and tell me to check on Mom when he wouldn't event come for a visit.(was only 300+ miles away). My mom and dad divorced about 20 years ago and father is remarried. So see my brother was living with his dad and stepmom all these years.

    Anyway, I could write a book. But I had to tell you that I also have one brother and he was the favorite child.

  7. mnweb6

    mnweb6 New Member

    I was adopted when I was 6, and then after abusing me for 6 years, and blaming me all the time for her actions, I was given back to the state of Colorado when I was 12. It wasn't until I had kids of my own that she decided she wanted to be a mom. Actually, I found out that she really just wanted to be a Grandmother. It kills me to see her treat my kids with love when she had none for me. Now at the ages of 11 and 13, my kids know a little of what happened, and they have no desire to see her. My father and adoptive brother are in this picture too, but I just talk about my mother because she is the only one I have dealt with emotionaly.

    What I wanted to say out of all of this, and what relates to your post:

    I still want the LOVE and APPROVAL of this wretched woman!!! She gives it so freely to everyone else, why is it she is unable to give it to me???? She goes through my ex-husband to seem my kids, against my wishes!! She hated him when we were married, but she went against me during our custody hearings!! I have not spoken to her in almost 4 years!!

    I really wish I could let go of wanting something from this woman. What I really want from her is an apology. A request for forgiveness. Ownership of what she did, so that I can stop blaming myself. With the forgiveness, I have given up the idea that the past can be any different. I really do feel sorry for her, and not nearly as angry. I know it doesn't seem like I am less angry, but I really am. You have no idea what I was like 3 months ago!!

  8. lovethesun

    lovethesun New Member

    My father is like that.I was fortunately though,privileged to have a great mother.You can NEVER reason with selfish people.That's what's in the core of them.They will never change.Some pretend to- like webs mother,but it's all a charade.

    My relationship with my DAD is...I go or call if I feel like it.If he starts any thing negative I will leave(I also keep these things short)

    I don't look at him as a parent,you have to EARN .that word.I look at him as an acquaintance They have hurt you already,don't let you hurt you again.Anyway,nice to talk to you P.V.lady and hello to our new member
    [This Message was Edited on 02/18/2006]
  9. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    Thanks for the response. My brother skated by the last 20 years, just coming around if he needed money.

    This has all been going on since 1983. I was the only one around to handle my dad's entire illness until he passed.

    Then my mom was ill, and this has been going on for years. I did what I had to do.

    At this time, my brother is helping me because he lost his job in December and looks to me for money. I have a business so I have been helping him. I actually decided to hire him to do "marketing" so at least I get something for my money.

    The good thing is, he is around to go see my mom and help with Dr. appts, errands, etc. I love my brother and I am not mad at him for ignoring my mom - I understand.

    Actually, he has alot more patience than I do.

    mnweb6 - I am so sorry for what you went through!! If I were you, I don't think I would have allowed her to be back in my life, including seeing your kids.

    You know what you said about still wanting love and approval - that is the hardest thing to admit - I would feel so good if she would just say - I Love you, and am so proud of you. And most of all, stop bad mouthing to others. At this point, it is probably too late.

    She was addicted to prescription drugs for years and said things she doesn't even remember what she said to relatives.

    [This Message was Edited on 02/18/2006]

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