Mother with Dementia/Alzheimers!!

Discussion in 'Caregivers' started by Milo83, Feb 11, 2002.

  1. Milo83

    Milo83 New Member

    Hi Everyone..I am new to this board..I'm a 48yr. married woman with a son - almost 16yrs old..I have a soon to be 79yr. mother who is currently in a Skilled Nursing Facility..She has been there almost a yr..Jan. 2001, she needed an illeostomy, & after surgery she had to go to the home for rehab..When her rehab was up, I brought her back to my home where she had lived for the last 5yrs. after my fathers death..My mother is also considered legally blind due to macular dengeration..Well when I brought her home, I was her 24/7 caregiver with no help, except that from my husband and son..I got totally exhausted and physically and mentally got sick..Well I had her home only 12days when she had to have her illeostomy reversal 3months early..After 2nd surgery, she once again entered the same skilled nursing facilty..I was hoping to bring her back home upon completion of her rehab..Well things have not worked out..They had stopped her physical therapy short of its time, due to the fact she couldn't do it..They would tell and show her how to do it, but 5 minutes later she would foget..She was later diagnosed with "short term memory loss" & "Dementia/Alzheimers"..I am still considered her caregiver in a way, because I'm the one that does everything as far as medical bills, going to visit all the time, and making sure she has what she needs and wants..The facility she is in is very good, and they go out of their way to help her and also help me..I was just wondering if there is anyone here in a similar situation?.My Mom has really gone back as far as her "mind"..I used to go to the nursing home almost everyday, until Aug. 2001, when I almost had a nervous breakdown..Dr. told me I had to slow down & start spending time with my husband and son..I have cut back on visits, but it's also me that my Mom takes everything out on..If she gets a meal she doesn't care for, it's my fault..She accuses me of having an affair on my husband, dealing & doing drugs, you name it..There is no way you can get through to people when they are like this, but it's very stressful for me..At times, she thinks I should be able to bring her home and take care of her..She needs 24hr supervison (she also can't walk without a walker and the help of someone)..I often feel guilty, but yet I know down deep inside I could never do it..I have tried to get help in here, but the most anyone could give me would be 3hrs a day on a scheduled time..My husband works long hours and I need to spend time with my son and take care of his needs too..My mother doesn't think that way, she thinks she should come first..Despite, everything that she thinks, I still love her with all my heart..She thinks if I don't visit every day, that I'm a nasty, non-caring daughter..She has a son (my half-brother) who visits her 1x weekly if that..I have to have a life of my own too..So far, I have a great kid, who does very well in school, likes skiing and bowling and really stays out of trouble - I'd like to keep it that way..Does anyone on here have loved ones with dementia, do they halucinate or have delusions of stuff that makes absolutely no sense at all..Even though she is no longer in my house, it's still very difficult for me to see her like this and I often end up making myself half nuts..The days that I don't go in, I still call her on the phone atleast 2xdaily..Even though she might not make much sense, I want her to know I'm thinking of her and love her...Does anyone out there understand this..Anyone that could give me any suggestions...Well I guess I let this get too long..Sorry..
    Have a Good Day Everyone!!!!
  2. annee

    annee New Member

    Like you I am a carer ( my husband has cfs).
    I can relate to you as a carer.
    You do have a life and you must look after yourself.
    If you do not look after yourself who else is going to.
    You sound like perhaps some 'self nurturing' might be helpful.
    Treat yourself and then in turn you will be a stronger person, able to help out whenever you are needed.
    Life can be tough and that is when 'we' get going!!
  3. Pixie

    Pixie New Member

    As I read your post and look at my own situation that has been planned out, was wondering if I will feel as you do when and if it happens, my 83 year old mom and I have talked, and have tod her she would never go to a nursing home, or facility UNLESS, it would be for her best interest, this is where you are, you have taken the best of care for your mom, done the best you could, and sometimes we have to let them go where they can get the daily care, you said this was a nice facility, and that you visit often, and I know the things she may say to you upsets you, without my saying it, you know she does not mean it, they say these patients will lash out at the ones closest to them, and that is you, it has to be hard to take, I know it is, funny how we are their kids, then they become our kids, this has been no encouragement to you, just letting you know I am here and may someday have to feel the same pain that you are feeling today. my caregiving is not my 83 year old mom, but my 38 year old daughter, you have probably read some of my post on fms/cfs board, my 83 year old mom gets along better than my daughter. that is so sad, good luck, and I will be looking faward to reading your post and to see how things are going for you and your mom,K?
  4. billsma

    billsma New Member

    I know exactly how you feel, I already posted but wanted to answer you. It has all been on my shoulders w/my mother too, 2yrs here & we went nowhere. Meanwhile my brother & his wife came down a couple of times for 1 day! I too had to put her in a small ass't liv but feel guilty if I don't get over & take her out & have her over & I'm tired & want a life of my own. They call me about things & if she needs anything & now she accused her dr of molesting her, not true I was there, she's getting bad. Because of that the home used to at least drive her one way to dr's & I would pick her up. Now I guess the husband won't do it, can't blame him when will she say he did it too. Well she was couching & they called me had to find a new dr & pick her up drive her, stay & get meds & drive her back was gone all day. I also have my grandson 14 who is sickly & have to juggle her too. I get resentful & don't like to be like that but it's hard. Why does it always have to be on one person & if I even mention my brother she gets all nasty w/me always has. As you can see I definately identify w/you!
  5. NotMySelf

    NotMySelf New Member

    Hello..I am new at this site and just posted in "Depression" a subject entitled, "I Lost Myself" NotMySelf. My life has been turned upside down and inside out with a similiar situation with my mother. I walked away from a home and partner 3,000 miles away when she was in need. Now, I am lost, filled with anger,resentment, frustration and emotional upheaval. Please read my message and get back to me.
    P.S. My partner and daughter are still 3,000 miles away and have told me that I am in an abusive, emotional distraught relationship with my mother. I know I am....