Mu husband is frustrated and taking it out on me

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by doxygirl, Apr 4, 2007.

  1. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    I have been out of work for 2 months now ( most of you know why so I don't want to keep boring everyone with why)

    We lost my entire income and it is a fairly good amount of monthly first my husband was working satrudays to help pick up the financial slack......but his co stopped the saturdays for now......

    Now we are roughing it again........and it seems like when it gets "rough" the arguing starts!

    He has been picking on me and saying mean things to me for the last couple of weeks....and I am too smart to know it is for none other than the fact that he is angry and mad deep down inside that Iam not working!

    He knows that I became very ill at work and had to leave....he even supported me.....

    I cannot get workers comp because the dumb owner failed to have it ( against the law ) I can't apply for SSI because it says right on the forms if it is work related they deny it....and I can't apply for unemployemt because it is work related! so Iam out of luck for now!

    I have a lot of things with dd that make it so I cannot go out and just get any job having dd.......and I am still having a lot of problems from the mold I I want to get better....and know Iam going to be ok.....

    It may be about 2 or 3 months maybe even longer before we see any money at all from the UEF ( uninsued employers fund )

    I know my husband is frustrated......he is a very hard worker and never misses work even when he is sick....but I am frustratd too........I hate the way things are and want to always help out by doing my fair share but these ugly remarks and mean comments are hard to take!

    thanks for listening to me cry on your shoulders!


  2. Kellyslaw

    Kellyslaw New Member

    You helped me so much just a few minutes ago, now I hope that I can help you. I truly know how hard it is to be off work and struggling financially, and the other spouse is working. It is very stressful even under the best of circumstances when an income is lost. I know about the guilt and being sick and not being able to do anything about it for now. What is so horrible about your situation is that I can tell you have a great work ethic and you sufferred so long to try to stay in your job even when you were so sick.

    Just remember, as my dear doctor told me about a week ago, "being sick is not a character flaw." You did not ask to be sick, it just happened. I don't know what I can say that can make it better, but just know that my thoughts are with you in this most stressful of times.

    I don't know what type of wedding vows you took when you married, but it helped me a lot when I thought about, for richer, or poorer, in sickness and in health..."

    Hang in there gf, I has to get better soon.

    Soft hugs Doxy.

  3. GigglePoet

    GigglePoet New Member

    Hey girl, hang in there and passing on something that
    Good o'l Dr. Phil say's..we teach people how to treat teach him that that is totally unexceptible to you and I mean no ifs and or Butts! I tell ya...these men need to grow up big time!!!

    much love
  4. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Thank you for caring about me....and for really listening to the things I said it means a lot to me...that you care made me cry when you mentioned how I have a good work ethic....because not too many people have appreciated that in me ( certainly my employer did not )I put my job well before my health!

    I know in the end it will all work out it always does......

    Giggle, I did and do think about my wedding vows ......I do stand up for myself ( to his face ) but must admit when Iam not working and completly dependent on him it makes me feel a bit insecure inside......but your so right......and I will continue to put him in his place ......

    thanks to you both once again for posting to me;)

    [This Message was Edited on 04/04/2007]
  5. blkkat

    blkkat New Member

    WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!! THINGS WILL GET BETTER!!! YOU'LL SEE. ((((((((( BIG HUGS))))))))))))

  6. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    One of the first things I thought of is how we all get angry
    at things beyond our self control.....and more so when we feel we are part of the blame. We feel we are not able to take care of things.

    I bet this is how your DH feels right now. Men puts their self worth in being able to care for their family and he feels he is not. He feels helpless and grasps at reasons to help him say to himself.....HEY, its not my fault! Then he gets mad at himself for being nasty and this makes him madder......and so it goes.

    He is also angry that he cannot do anything to make you better. But most of what he says and does he is not recognizing he is doing it.

    He needs to be able to vent this somehow. Maybe a counsler or a minister? Also to be able to talk with each other without placing any blame or anger on each other. You can in time come to a wonderful relationship and a stable one.

    I know you are the one suffering ALSO, but in trying to understand him he can let go and start to accept what needs to be dealt with in a different manner.

    Maybe he can get a week end Job? Not easy by any means. Just find a quiet time to talk and do not use words of ME and I so much. Make a rule right away that this is for problem solving and not fighting or to make the other feel bad.

    Hard to do I know. But from all the postings I have read from you.......I know you are one person that can do it.

    ALSO are you sure you can not get Workers Comp? Some where a long the line I thought (I can be wrong) that it can be paid to you and WC collects it from the employeer that did not pay into it. It is a law. When you are able talk to an attorney or at least call WC on it. Document time and date of call, who you spoke to and what was said, regardless of what you are told. I think you have one heck of a case against your past employeer and for several reasons.

    God Bless you and your DH and children. You all need each other even more right now. Tell DH that..lovingly.

    Love, Susan
  7. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    thank you so much for your warm and loving post....what you say does make a lot of sense's just so hard when he gets so defensive with me......I never give up trying and I must admit I don't sometimes know how I just don't give up!

    The issue with the workers comp has now gone to litigation.......I really didn't want to go that route but I gave my employer 6 weeks because they told my husband they were putting something together to take care of me.....but in the end they said they weren' I had NO other choice. are right I will get money from the UEF ( uninsured employers fund ) and they in turn will go after my ex boss but my lawyer says it can take quite some time........maybe months to a year!

    My life pattern seems to be when it rains it pours.....but one thing I have learned is that after it rains good there are a lot of new flowers.......I just can't wait to see soem new flowers! LOL

    Thanks again for the great post to me

    Hugs and thanks
  8. clerty

    clerty New Member

    Gosh that is such a shame I hope you can reslove the situation


  9. Didoe

    Didoe New Member

    Its 'ol cynic here

    We continue to analyze, explain, tolerate and ACCOMODATE selfish behaviour from spouses and kids (and employers)

    If our spouses or kids were as ill as we are and feel, be sure 99% of us would not be as selfish or intolerant.

    Without meaning to contradict myself here's my suggestion...does hubby need an extra special homecooked meal and a hot bath by candlelight where he soaks, relaxes and is gently scrubbed from head to toe? Sometimes we forget to show appreciation for the support and companionship we do have and assume 'love' is known because we've been married or hanging together for so long. If its done out of love and not out of fear or appeasement, it might help.
  10. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    you are right again! ;)
    Iam the kind of person who tries to always look at things from all angles.......

    I have been feeling myself that "he" has been taking me for granted, in fact we have has a few talks about how I feel alone sometimes in our marriage..........

    he says he is "comfortable" and has gotten lazy...but will try ( mand I appreciate that he is willing to try or at least says he wants to) but then he forgets to try!

    I guess it can work both ways but he never tells me how he feels even when I ask.......that makes it hard for me to know what he might be needing.....

    I just realized how bad the communication is and not to place blame but our communication is 100% one way street called "DOXY"

    thank you so much for posting and your thoughts...they are valuable to me ;)

  11. Reidsbeads

    Reidsbeads New Member

    My hubby used to get mad at me also. I finally downloaded some literature to help him to understand what was going on with me. He has really been so much nicer since then, but when the bills come due Its all on him and he has problems with his feet and works on them all day. Plus he works as much ot as he can and he works side jobs but it never seems to be enough. I feel so crappy everytime the bills come due and I have to tell him we are short. He works so hard and has his own medical problems and disability is taking its good ol time getting around to my appeal. I hired lawyers but have done all the work so far myself. I know it is hard but hang in there, he is just stressed. Its hard when 2 incomes used to run the house hold and now you only have one and all the same bills and then some because of the Drs and prescriptions. It is outrageous between the two of us how much money goes just to drs and Rx. Hope it gets better for all of us... Tam
  12. Didoe

    Didoe New Member

    sounds like you understand him pretty well and have picked on his frustration and pain. rather than ASK him questions like, Honey would you like me to make you a big bucket of fried chickenm mashed tates/gravy and a pie for dessert just make MANLY food and a surprise him if possible and I mean it about the bath.
    Men short circuit having a woman bathe them...takes them to some mental neandeethal state they prefer being in LMAO

    good luck...if he doesnt behave threaten with Didoe coming over to bathe him...I come with equipment:)
  13. Didoe

    Didoe New Member

    Doxy, sorry we cant talk anywhere but here, this is really [personal

    He takes a mile instead of an inch because he NEEDS, there's a empty pit in there that needs filling, which may be why he grunts instead of talking much. Dont let him take a mile, use portion control, put him a LOVE diet insteead of wiating for him to be in a mood, set the mood and enourage him. Stop asking permission and show him what a moxie doxy he married. Sounds like work you dont need? You need him to be content and happy to come home after killing himself to keep his family together.

    nothing easy girl...unless you do what I did, cut them all loose, but it get lonely.

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