my boyfriend feels like he going out with noone

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Michelle_NZ, Aug 13, 2006.

  1. Michelle_NZ

    Michelle_NZ New Member

    (Sorry I accidentally deleted my original post (instead of hitting edit..) if its not too much trouble would the people who replied, mind posting again. Sorry and thank you)

    I dont know where to start, I am so upset.

    Let me just say, that my bf is usually very supportive, however, there are been some issues coming up for us lately.

    We went to visit his parents for the weekend, and were driving home (about 1 hour 45 mins). He knows I cant handle loud music, especially music in the car for some reason.

    I've told him MANY times that I have a headache EVERY day. I've also explained to him my noise sensitivity. He acknowledges it, but is always turning things up even though I have to keep asking him to turn things down.

    So, in the car yesterday, I reminded him of this. He replied "It's boring for me, talk to me, or put your ear plugs in".

    Well, as you know, the plugs really dont block out much noise, so I chose to talk to him, instead of trying to rest for the journey.

    So, by the time we got home, all my othe CFS and fibro symptoms were getting worse.

    Then we watched a movie - I had to wear earplugs because it was so loud.

    Then we go to bed - he messes around in the room for an HOUR making noise, putting things away. By this stage I am wearing earplugs and a facemask.

    When he finally came to bed, my head was pounding and my body was definately NOT in a good state to sleep.

    I tried to explain to him why I need the noise reduction, and how it can cause my ohter symptoms to get worse. Its not because I'm trying to be difficult, and I wish I could change it. I would love to be how I was before I got sick.

    Sorry, the story is going on a bit. In the morning I brought it up again (my mistake, but I was not feeling like we had completed our discussion).

    Anyway,, next thing he blurts out "Well, I feel like I'm going out with noone. We cant go out, we cant do anything blah blah".

    Am I wroing to be so hurt by this? By saying this, he made ME feel like a "noone". Like all the time we spent together means nothing. He had to leave for work so we have parted this morning on a bad note, and now I'm just stewing about it.

    We have talked about our lack of social life in the past. He still goes out without me, at least once a fortnight, and has told me that he is happy with this.

    I feel like he has kicked me while I am down. I've tried explaining to him how I feel like I am losing myself to this illness, how hopeless and useless I feel most of the time now. And to be told that he feels like he is going out with no-one is just so hurtful - yet he cant seem to see it, and is making me feel like I'm the bad one.

    Sorry, I just had to vent.
    Take care
    Michelle

    [This Message was Edited on 08/13/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 08/13/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 08/13/2006]
  2. iggyangel

    iggyangel New Member

    I asked cuz I have been married for 16 yrs and my husband still has his denial about it... I understand...
    What he did was a blatant disregard for your well being.. That is wrong... he owes you an apology.
    What may help is for you to give him some serious research to read on your illness to help him understand. He needs to be educated on your illness.
    He truly needs to apologize, that was not acceptable what he said...
    Michelle, I would seriously reevaluate this relationship, he needs to turn around, cuz you NEED a compassionate loving person that will love and be there in "sickness and health"
    You deserve better treatment.
    In my prayers,
    Love,
    Iggy
    PS.
    Maybe he was at a breaking point where he is mad at the illness and not at you, that could be another issue, he may of been venting... talk to him...
    This illness really does affect our loved ones... so find out why he really said it.
  3. Michelle_NZ

    Michelle_NZ New Member

    Thanks Georgia. I have told him the spoons theory, and I've even heard him tell it to someone else!

    Usually he is very good about most things, but now and then he says something so hurtful, and then it makes me wonder how long hes been feeling a certain way, and why didnt he say something sooner, instead of waiting till it gets to bursting point.

    The last one about 3 weeks ago was that he feels like his life is "on hold" waiting for me.

    I'm starting to wonder if he really gets it at all.

    Thanks
    Michelle
  4. Michelle_NZ

    Michelle_NZ New Member

    Hi Iggy

    We have been together 2 years. Our relationship has always been defined by crisis. We had only been together 6 weeks when my brother committed suicide, and I have been getting sicker and sicker for the last year. He has on the whole been supportive, but cracks are starting to show now since I have become much sicker.

    You are right tho, I need to get a better understanding of what he meant. I just feel so horrible and now he is not returning my calls today.

    I know its hard for our loved ones, but he gets to have a break from it. He gets to go to work (a job he loves), socialise at work, go out with his friends and so on. And, he is not the one feeling the pain!

    I never get a break from it. I have to live like this every day. I can never take a break from it, or forget about it. Most of my energy goes into trying to deal with what crazy stuff is going on in my body each day.

    I feel like I'm in someone elses body - where's mine? This one is faulty!

    Sorry, I really am having a bad day. I dont want to depress anyone, just feeling very sad.

    Thanks
    MIchelle
  5. Michelle_NZ

    Michelle_NZ New Member

    Yes, good questions.

    I'm having sessions with a psychotherapist to help me "come to terms" with my illnesses etc, and I've asked my boyfriend to come along to one. He has agreed, so that is good.

    It's really quite strange - he really is very supportive most of the time, but in the last month he has made these hurtful comments, that make me wonder what is really going on in his head.

    I dont know, I'm so confused right now.

    Thanks
    Michelle
  6. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Anne here,

    I was so upset by the horrid reply from the "newbie" here that I wanted just to just write and validate you. Please ignore this poster - many of us have reported him/her, whomever it is, for barging in here and just trying to upset people.

    I think we all go through a variation of the sort of "why can't you be normal" deal and I think one has to look at the overall picture. Counseling may help too.

    You are not "carrying a lot of baggage" at all, you are a fine human being trying your best to deal with pain in whatever way you are able. Be kind to yourself.

    God Bless and good luck.

    Love Anne Cromwell
  7. lovethesun

    lovethesun New Member

    Linda. Michelle,if it's meant to be it will happen.I imagine that he is pretty confused also.Communication is the keyLinda
  8. jole

    jole Member

    I agree with Anne - ignore the one poster. Who do some people think they are -.
    I think you are very fortunate to have a chance to answer these questions now instead of later. Sometimes there are people who do not understand the meaning of "unconditional" love. If your BF is one of these people, you may be better off without him.

    I know it is very hard on our SO to see us be tired and hurting all the time. I very seldom go anywhere, but my husband knows I don't expect him to stay home and babysit me. I always know where he is (meetings, etc.) and can get ahold of him if I need him. But he does go without me.

    We need to put ourselves in their place too and remember that this is our illness, not theirs, and hope they choose to share it with us to the best of their ability. If it's enough, great. If not and they cause us more stress, it's a problem.

    I think someone gave you some very good questions to think about. We all care about you and don't want to see you hurt. Please think hard about this situation.

    Friends - Jole
  9. kirbycat

    kirbycat New Member

    Michelle,
    Men are such strange creatures. Sounds like he's trying to rebel against your disease, not you. You just happen to be the poor creature sitting there taking the brunt of it all.
    They get scared of the unknown as we all do, but men do not handle it as well. Does he read any of these postings? Or any of the material on the subject? My youngest daughter refuses to read anything about it simply because she doesn't want to know. That would make it real. She keeps telling me that I am too negative and I stay at home too much, but she doesnt see that I cant just pick myself up and do all the things I did before. She knows one woman with Fibro, who is still able to work some, so she things everyone can, I can't. I'm about a 20 on that scale.
    Just try to be somewhat patient with him and show him everything you can, and if he is willing to truly understand then there is HOPE.
    Sorry for the book.
    Cathy
  10. Michelle_NZ

    Michelle_NZ New Member

    I really do appreciate your support and understanding. This is the only place I can "talk" to people who really know how horrifying it can be to try and live with these illnesses.

    Thanks for all your ideas and suggestions. They have given me something to think about.

    My bf is a good and kind person, and I know he is struggling with this too. His way of dealing wtih it is to be "Mr 100% Positive". Although I can understand why is being that way, it just means that I cant truly talk to him about my feelings of loss, grief and despair. He says I'm "being negative".

    It's not that he doesnt care, I know he does. But we are just not communicating effectively about my illness.

    I'm going to try and keep my mouth shut and stay calm till we meet with the the therapist on Friday.

    If anyone has suggestions for having a good couples therapy session I'd love to hear them - this is a first for me.

    Thanks, and take care
    Michelle

  11. Michelle_NZ

    Michelle_NZ New Member

    Hi Cathy

    Yes, he has read some material about CFS and Fibro - but only when I have sent him some info off the net, or actually put it in front of him. I asked him the other day if he had done any of his own research - and he hadnt.

    He is being "stubbornly positive" - if that makes sense. I dont think he truly understands what it means in the longterm for me to have these illnesses. I think he may have unrealistic expecatation of recovery / remission.

    Take care
    Michelle
  12. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i really didn't miss much of anything...

    but here is a suggestion if you are not already doing it...have you tried kolonopin medication?.....i feel a big difference in the intensity of my ringing ears, noises, irritability, and pain...when i do not get my proper dosage i need or i run out because i keep dealing with the messed up system here in california...and the medicare plan d system...anyways...

    i just started taking klonopin the middle of april...and everytime i go to refill my script it has been a hassle....and it is like i start making some progress,,,liveable pain most days..less headaches...

    but when i don't have my klonopin i hurt and i can really just barely function..and can not speak to people at all...

    and for the bf...most people just don't get it...period...about the pain we endure....i hate to tell people i have it...but i had to at the da's office on friday for child support modification...felt like i had a knife stabbing me constantly for hours i mean hours...in the head, eyeball..and the jaw hurt to speak...and the ringing in my ears was enough to make me go insane...

    well i need to get to bed it is nearly 3:30 am...

    just saying take it easy and think about what fight said....

    and seek therapy for yourself...that is what i do...

    i need to change mine infact...

    lots of hugs

    jodie
  13. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    "Am I wroing to be so hurt by this? By saying this, he made ME feel like a "noone". Like all the time we spent together means nothing. He had to leave for work so we have parted this morning on a bad note, and now I'm just stewing about it."

    First of all, Michelle, you are NOT no one. You're a kind, intelligent, beautiful woman (with a very sweet dog). You are also at this time a sick woman.

    My first response was that your boyfriend was being insensitive - and he was, but you know, he has a right to that opinion. Being with us sometimes isn't a lot of fun.

    I had a long-time relationship that ended for just that reason so I understand the frustration and pain of it. At the same time, I understood his not wanting to stick around. We weren't married, as if that makes any difference anymore, and he was quite a bit younger than I. He wanted more of a life than he had with me and he had a right to it. What could I say, after all? And what can you say? Either he loves you enough to stick it out with you or he doesn't.

    But don't make this a showdown. Maybe he just had to vent like we do. Give him that at least. Try to see what he said (badly) as a feeling he was having at that time, not a judgment of you.

    But if he's truly fed up, please know that as hard as it looks right now, there is life after him and you're worth having someone who will stay.

    Hugs,
    Marta
  14. Michelle_NZ

    Michelle_NZ New Member

    Very good advice. I think I was in danger of making this a "show down".. and that is not a good idea.

    I really do love him very much, and I know he loves me - its just so hard trying to find your way through this - as you know I'm sure!

    Take care
    Michelle

  15. Michelle_NZ

    Michelle_NZ New Member

    I will ask my Dr again about the Klonopin - last time, they said they didnt want to prescribe it because of addictive potential - but honestly, who cares about that anymore? Not me!

    Thanks and take care
    Michelle
  16. Kayaker1

    Kayaker1 New Member

    I take Klonopin for CFS. It calms me down and keeps me from getting nervous and making my symptoms worse. I have really bad dysautonomia. I guess there is the possibility that I could get addicted to it and when I went off of it in the past (one doctor tried to switch my meds) I did go through a few days of withdrawal, but it was worth it. Any SSRI, etc., I've been on and off of has led to some withdrawal. I am on the medication again and I really like it.

    I take Trazadone for sleep. It is a very old drug, but it is the only thing that has ever worked for me and I've had sleep problems for 8 years.

    Good luck.
  17. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    you will be fine...maybe some days you feel worse than others...and others we just take them in and enjoy it...it may not be pain free...

    well just thinking of you...lots of hugs here

    jodie