My Contribution to the Joke Parade

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by elliespad, Jan 26, 2007.

  1. elliespad

    elliespad Member

    The reason this is so funny is because, sadly, it's happened to every one of us at least once

    > > Subject: LADIES ROOM
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > > When you have to visit a public bathroom, you
    > > > usually find a line of women, so you smile politely
    > > > and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check
    > > > for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is
    > > > occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in,
    > > > nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
    > > > You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't
    > > > matter.
    > >
    > > > The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented
    > > > by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You
    > > > would hang your purse on the door hook, if there
    > > > were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but
    > > > quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn
    > > > over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank
    > > > down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
    > >
    > > > In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles
    > > > begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you
    > > > certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay
    > > > toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
    > >
    > > > To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you
    > > > reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet
    > > > paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your
    > > > mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to
    > > > clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no
    > > > toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
    > >
    > > > You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose
    > > > on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse.
    > > > That would have to do. You crumple it in the
    > > > puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your
    > > > thumbnail.
    > >
    > > > Someone pushes open your stall door because the
    > > > latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which
    > > > is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,
    > > > and you and your purse topple backward against the
    > > > tank of the toilet "Occupied!" you scream, as you
    > > > reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny,
    > > > crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
    > > > footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the
    > > > TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
    > >
    > > > You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
    > > > late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every
    > > > imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat
    > > > because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that
    > > > there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
    > >
    > > > You know that your mother would be utterly appalled
    > > > if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare
    > > > bottom never touched a public toilet seat
    > > > because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what
    > > > kind of diseases you could get."
    > >
    > > > By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of
    > > > the toilet is so confused that it flushes,
    > > > propelling a stream of water like a firehose that
    > > > somehow sucks everything down with such force that
    > > > you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of
    > > > being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.
    > >
    > > > You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet
    > > > toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with
    > > > a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
    > > > slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't
    > > > figure out how to operate the faucets with the
    > > > automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit
    > > > and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of
    > > > women, still waiting. You are no longer able to
    > > > smile politely to them.
    > >
    > > > A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a
    > > > piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.
    > > > (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the
    > > > paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and
    > > > tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
    > >
    > > > As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since
    > > > entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed,
    > > > he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your
    > > > purse hanging around your neck?"
    > >
    > > > . .This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal
    > > > with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).
    > > > It finally explains to the men what
    > > > really does take us so long. It also answers their
    > > > other commonly asked question about why women go to
    > > > the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can
    > > > hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you
    > > > Kleenex under the door
  2. elliespad

    elliespad Member

    Words Women Use

    1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

    8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

    9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response, refer to # 3.

    Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

    Send this to all the women, you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know its true.

  3. elliespad

    elliespad Member


    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
    around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to
    find out what was going on.

    He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
    circumcised and he was quite itchy.

    The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
    telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it

    and returned to his class.

    Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back

    to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging
    out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

    "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
    she'd come and pick me up from school."
  4. elliespad

    elliespad Member

    Subject: fun men bashing

    One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
    shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
    his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
    "It depends,"she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
    He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma ."

    A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
    "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
    The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
    "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
    out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think
    if I mowed the lawn like this?"
    "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
    He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
    She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while
    I sit on the sofa and fart. LOL
    Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
    A: A rumor

    A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
    wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them
    and said that because they had been so good that each one of them
    could have one wish.
    The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

    Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
    The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
    Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
    Gotta love that fairy!
    Dear Lord,
    I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
    Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
    beat him to death.
    -------------------------------------------------- -
    Q: Why do little boys whine?
    A: They are practicing to be men.
    Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
    A: Trustworthy.
    Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
    calling your name?
    A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
    Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
    A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe
    Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

  5. elliespad

    elliespad Member

    To realize
    The value of a sister:
    Ask someone
    Who doesn't have one.

    To realize The value of ten years:

    Ask a newly Divorced couple.

    To realize
    The value of four years:
    Ask a graduate.

    To realize
    The value of one year:
    Ask a student who
    Has failed a final exam.

    To realize
    The value of nine months:
    Ask a mother who gave

    birth to a stillborn.

    To realize
    The value of one month:
    Ask a mother
    Who has given birth to
    A premature baby.

    To realize
    The value of one week:
    Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

    To realize
    The value of one minute:
    Ask a person
    Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

    To realize
    The value of one-second:
    Ask a person
    Who has survived an accident.

    Time waits for no one.

    Treasure every moment you have.

    You will treasure it even more when
    You can share it with someone special.

    To realize the value of a friend or family member :


    The origin of this letter is unknown,
    But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

    Do not keep this letter.

    Send it to friends & family to whom you wish good luck

    And don't forget the one who sent it to you!

    Peace, love and prosperity to all!


    Hold on tight to the ones you Love

  6. elliespad

    elliespad Member

    A wealthy old lady decides to
    go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful
    aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

    One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
    discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
    Rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
    bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
    bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to
    leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I
    wonder if there are any more around here?"

    Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
    terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
    leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
    tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
    Protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
    heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must
    be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
    strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

    The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
    monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving

    Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
    thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits
    down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and
    just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

    "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another

    Moral of this story....

    Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and
    skill! Bull***t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

  7. elliespad

    elliespad Member

    from a 4 year old

    Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a
    ten-year old Irish Wolfhound named Belker.
    The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and
    their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker
    and they were hoping for a miracle.

    I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told
    the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to
    perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

    As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought
    it would be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the
    procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something
    from the experience.

    The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's
    family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for
    the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on.
    Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy
    seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or

    We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud
    about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
    Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

    Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next
    stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

    He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good
    life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?"
    four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so
    they don't have to stay as long."

    Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly.
    Leave the rest to God.
  8. elliespad

    elliespad Member


    Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
    morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's
    business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular
    activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

    She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of
    being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
    parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically
    told George (and several others) that everyone
    seeing it there would know what he was doing.

    George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
    walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or
    deny... he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his
    pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home...
    and left it there all night.

    You gotta love George

  9. boltchik

    boltchik New Member

    The Ladies Room joked killed me-Lol!!!! Every paragraph got funnier and funnier. I could just picture some of those things happening, and men have to wonder why it takes us so long! :)

    Well, I have a house full of sick kids and a sick hubby, so I will have to catch up on the rest of the jokes later. Thanks for sharing a laugh! Kim :)
  10. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    I'm a toilet paper freak, especially down here in the DR. I have a roll in the car and a bunch waded up in my purse. You always need it in public bathrooms here. Some toilets don't even have seats but I can't hold myself up and pee at the same time so I just put down a double or triple barrier so I can sit.

    If you don't mind, I'll add some more emails:


    It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
    "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
    "What are my choices?" John asked.
    "Yes or no," she replied.

    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
    As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
    trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
    to see your ticket not your stub."

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
    couldn't find one big enough for her family.
    She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
    The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead.! "

    The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
    down his window.
    "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
    The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
    reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of
    him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
    Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
    out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and
    says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this
    bridge and ran out of gas."

    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
    "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
    I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
    a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
    A smart-a$$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
    asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
    and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and
    snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
    student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
    write the exam with your other hand."


    A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

    were on the way to church service,

    "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

    One bright little girl replied,

    "Because people are sleeping."

    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

    The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

    Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

    "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

    'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

    "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

    A wife invited some people to dinner.

    At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

    "Would you like to say the blessing?"

    "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

    "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

    The daughter bowed her head and said,

    "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?


    Drinks Show Your Personality

    Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:


    Drink: Beer
    Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
    Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

    Drink: Blender Drinks
    Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the butt.
    Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

    Drink: Mixed Drinks
    Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
    Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................

    Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
    Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
    Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

    Drink: White Zinfandel
    Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
    Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
    Drink: Shots
    Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
    totally drunk... and naked.
    Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

    Drink: Tequila
    No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.


    THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

    Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

    Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .

    He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated
    image to help him get laid.

    Whiskey: He doesn't give a darn about anything but getting laid.


  11. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    info re: wine, Karen. I was planning to sign up for a course on enology (very popular in CA). Now I won't have to.

    Here's a little joke re: wine.

    A minister is driving a bit too fast and gets stopped.

    The state trooper smells alcohol on the minister's breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. "Sir, have you been drinking?"

    "Just water," says the minister.

    The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

    The minister looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"