Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by petsrme, Sep 10, 2006.

  1. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Once again I heard the familiar thing we all hear. I went to my parents to let my daughter give them a Grandparents Day gift. We had been discussing money matters and I said we were three months behind on our house payment and I was worrying about that. I wasn't hinting for a loan or any help, just support. My mom and dad don't have extra money so I would never take from them. I also would feel guilty every time I spent a penny if i owed them money.

    When I said we were three thousand behind on our home, my brother spoke up and said, "We need to find you a job." Well this just hit me the wrong way. He said it very sarcastically, at least that is the way I took it. He lives with my parents rent free and spends like crazy, but he tends to preach to me all the time how we spent to much money and that is why we are in our bind. This actually isn't true. We were doing fine until I got sick and lost my job. We could have been more frugal when we had money, but we never went wild with money. I guess I just get upset when he tries to give advice because he doesn't have a rent payment, electricity, phone, child, etc. He blows his money on trips and concerts. He recently has been able to save a lot of money but it is only because he has no bills.

    Anyway, when he said that, I just looked at him. I almost threw up. It hit me hard that I was talking about how we might lose our home and he suggests I need to get a job. If he had ever paid attention he would know that I can't get a job. I am in pain and sick all the time. I have always known they don't believe it is as bad as I say, but I guess this was just another slap in the face. They think if I can get on the computer I can work. You all probably know I don't post that much. I can't type a lot. The nerve pain and tingling in my hands has gotten so bad, I can only be on a little while. If I try to hold a book to read, it makes my hand and arm feel as if shocks are going through it.

    He then said you could work where I work. It isn't that hard. I then said don't go there. He kept on and I said you are making me mad. Please don't go there. Normally I would just sit there and take it, but I just couldn't. First of all it hurts to think that they think I would just be so lazy that I wouldn't work if I thought I was losing my house. I would do anything I could to make money right now. I would never intentionally just not work beceaseu I am lazy.

    In fairness back in the early spring i did tell him and my mom that if I felt better soon I would love to work with them. They both work together and make good money teaching. Well, he threw that in my face and said, you are the one who told us you wanted to work with us. I said, yes, if I felt better, but I have told you that I have gotten worse since june and now have nerve problems in my hands and arms that have gotten terrible. He said, well you made me feel guilty telling me you needed a job and I didn't have a job for you.

    I said I did not make you feel guilty, I said that in the future I might want to look into getting a job there if I feel better. I had lost weight and thought that maybe by the end of summer if I exercised and felt better I could do it. That didn't happen of course. I got worser than ever.

    He then started saying that the job was easy. All I had to do was sit there and do a little paperwork. My mom had actually told me a few weeks ago that there was a secretarial job that I might could do, but I told her then that right now I was not able to, but that if I improved I would let her know. She was tactful enough to let it go.

    I guess I overreacted. I started bawling and made him feel bad. I turned beet red. I guess my bp shot sky high. He and mom said I had broken out in hives on my neck. I figure it was just blushing. I usually only break out in hives in the sun. I was so upset. I came home and cried for hours and now my eyes are swollen.

    I guess the thing that hit me was that at my most vulnerable point he threw the "you just need a job" thing at me. i am so sick of this. Don't people think I know that? I feel guilty enough that I am a weight on my husband's shoulder and don't contribute. I know this is all my fault. I know that our financial situation is all my fault. i don't need to hear it from anyone else. I beat mysefl enough over it. After he felt bad my brother said he would lend us the money. I said no way. Never. If we can't fix this ourselves it won't be fixed. Like I need him throwing it in my face every time I buy something for my child that I owe him money or that I need to spend wisely. I appreciate the offer, but no way. I know how he feels about me and my "sickness". The same way everyone I know feels: I am not that sick and I could make myself do more. Let's just face it, isn't taht what they all think? I am sick of it. Thanks for listening. I can't type anymore. I shoudl be ashamed of mysefl for tying this much. I guess if I can type this much I can get a job. My hands hurt, but I got it done.
  2. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Fight thank you so much for your post. I want to tell you how sorry I am that you are having financial problems too. I know how hard it must be for you to have to go back to work. It just kills me to think you are having to force yourself to do that. I hope you can make it work, but I know you will probably suffer each day from doing it. I feel so bad for you knowing that because I can't imagine what I would do if I had to do that. I admire your strength and courage. I hope your bosses will be understanding and patient with you. Let us know how it goes. I will be thinking of you.
  3. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    Most people don't get it that just because you don't have a cast on or have had some kind of surgery that you are not sick .
    So if you don't look sisck then you can hold down a job after all you don't need to sleep all day long any way.

    One of my girls has told us htat she and her hubby are haivn g some finacial problems and now there house payment is just to high for them and what they make.

    MOney is tight all over and your not alone in it. I look at my friend who lives with her grandmother and does not have to pay rent or any lights . phones heat and gas to heat the house that they live in. As it was grandmas and she has let them live in it to help her out. Yes they do buy the groceries but that is not like having a morgage to pay or rent that is due and you don't have the money for it.

    And she is one that tells you just how poor she is yet she and her hubby go out to dinner at least 3 times a week and she also has been genrous with her money but when your spendingmonoey and you have siad that money is so tight she is one who will account for every dime she has given to you or the things that she has bought for you. And them you end up feeling guilty when you have to buy some clothes for the kids and your not shopping at a thrift store.

    She does not do this to hurt your feelings it just comes out of her mouth and it does hurt. I don't know how many times she askes me out to lunch and I tell her that I am not working and don't haev any money for lunch so she will buy it for me and tell me that I should not worry about it..

    But if I tell her that I had to get a new pair of pants for my husband for work then I get the lecture on spending money when I don't have it.

    And it really hurts me. AS she will go on about how many times she has paid for luches adn now I suddenly have moeny so why don't I take her to lunch and I pay for both of us and I still don't have money to do that.

    I have to find the money for the new pants for my husband to go to work in as he meets with the clients of the firm her works for and has to look nice. And it is not like I can go to a thrift store and by old clothes when he really needs to look proffesional. So I do understnad how you feel...

    LIfe is hard and then you add this DD and it suddenly becomes harder as you need to have more money.

    I pray that soon the bil I have heard about that says that patients with chrocic pain can be given a script for refills on a narcoitc and not have to see their doctor every month to get a refill.. I know that I have to see my doctor every month to get my scripts becasue he will not put a refill on them.

    Some are not narcoitcs and he could put a refill on but he does not do that so I have to pay my $40.00 co-pay as he is not a PPO and by the time I pay my co-pay and buy the scripts I have spent over $100.00 and that is alot to spend everymonth.

    So I Hope that this bill will get thru and we will not have to see our doctors every month and will be able to get a script that has 2 refills on it. That would save me at least $80.00 in office visits and that could go to other bills that are behind.

    I am not getting my hopes up that this is going to happen any time soon but it would be so nice to not have to see the doctor just to get my meds refilled everymonth.

    WE all have some kind of money problems as they seem to come with having chronic pain. WE can't work because of what we have and how it effects our bodies. And people just don't understand that, you don't look sick, so why are you not working.? I hate to have to explain it and tell them the reasons why I don't work.

    I miss being able to work and I would love to be able to work and do my job well but when your dropping things and your a dental assistant that is a bad thing to do. I don't have the hand to eye coratatniton that I used to have.
    So working is out of the question. For more reasons that just that one.

    I understand how you feel . I wish that I had the magic wand that could wipe away this DD and we all could go to work again. But that is not real life and in this real life sometimes people can't work even when they don't look sick.
    LOve ya,
  4. dragon06

    dragon06 New Member

    I know the feeling with the money problems...I had them for a long time even when I could work. I know how hard and scary it is but it is not your did not ask to get sick and it's not your fault that you are sick.

    I can no longer work and I feel like a burden to my family but they are always telling me it's not my fault that I am sick...some days I actually listen to it ;)

    But really try to let go of it when people think you are lazy. There is no way your brother will ever understand even the financial part until he starts paying his own way in the real world and even then he won't understand that sick part.

    I know it's really hard to take from family cause they are supposed to be our support right? Well try to keep your head up and come here when you need support...we can offer more educated/experienced support as we know what you go through. It's just really hard for people who never experienced it.
  5. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Fight it sounds like you are facing similar problems with your dad. I completely understand. It is hard to convince a parent who is twenty or more years older than you that it is possible for a younger person to be sicker than they are. My mom tells me the same thing, that she is in pain from being older but still has to go to work every day fulltime. I honestly pray that she is not in as much pain as I am because if she is, I would hate for her to have to struggle each day like that.

    Fight I am very interested in what you said about Valtrex and so glad it has helped you. I will read your posts and see if I find anything about it. Does it have any side effects that are bad?

    Rosemarie, I am sorry you are in a similar situation. I can totally relate. My husband has a job that is semi executive. When I was working we were doing great, but now that I am not his boss still expects him to come to work dressed natty and in ties and good clothes. His boss actually makes fun of any of them who wear pants that are too short or not name brands. His company is great and I owe my internet access to them. We wouldn't have it if they didn't pay for it.

    Buying clothes for my husband to wear kills our budget. We don't buy a lot, but even a little hurts. They also expect him to take employees out to dinner and pay any travel expencses up front. They reimburse a few weeks later, but in the meantime we are struggling to live til we get that money. My husband is too embarraseed to tell them this is a burden becuse one time his coworker did and the boss said he paid enough to buy the stuff and he didn't want to hear any complaints so hubby knows not to mention it.

    As to your friend taking you to lunch and then trhowiing it in your face later, that is terrible for you and like I said I have heard the same from my brother. It is hard for people to understand why you can't pay your mortage on time, but you can afford to buy pants for your spouse or child. a pair of pants cost about thirty bucks, mortage payments can be one thousand or more. It is easier to fork out a few bucks than seveal hundred.

    I am sorry your friend is doing this to you. If I were you I would decline the lunches from now on and tell her that you would rather have lunch at your home if you feel like fixing something. If you don't, I would just tell her no. That way she can't throw it in your face. I just wish people would learn to not offer things like that if they are going to judge you later. She shouldn't offer to buy you lucnh is she is goint to hold it against you.

    Thank you so much for your post. I appreciatat it so much. I am just sorry that you and fight and many others like us are going through this stuff.
  6. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Wamps thank you so much for your post. It was so encouraging. It did help me and I thank you for that.

    Dragon, you too. You are so right that he will never know unless he gets sick and I hope he doesn't. You both gave me good thoughts and that is why I love it here. Bless you all for being so caring.
  7. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Thanks fight. I will look into the valtrex. It sounds very promising. I hope that you can hold out until you get your certification. It hopefully will happen soon for you. I will be thinking of you and your situation.
  8. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    You mentioned that since you can somehow type, maybe you should get a job. There is a difference in "voluntary" typing- you can take breaks as needed! Not so with a job! You have to push until it's pace yourself. I hope you will get some relief from your money problems...take care! Terri
  9. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Thank you grg and Alaska. I really appreciate it. Alaska you made a good point about typing at our own pace. That is so true. A job would never put up with my pace and schedule. They would fire me in a day.

    My brother wrote me an email apologizing today. That made me feel better and that I overreacted a bit towards him. I guess they just don't understand that saying things like that is a sore spot and we don't want to hear it. I am going to write him and tell him that and accept his apology.
  10. kriket

    kriket New Member

    First of all, I am so sorry that you have had such a bad experience with your family. It is a shame that people in general especially our family just don't see or get it.

    I have had a lot of days that I have had swollen eyes too, from crying, just makes you feel even worse on top of everything else. I do massages and am the sole breadwinner. My wrists pop and crackle and hurt a lot of times. I am one that pushes myself too much.

    I can really relate to your last sentence,"My hands hurt, but I got it done." I say that every week, knowing that I should not have pushed myself so much. It is very hard financially sometimes, it seems no matter how much or little you work it is never enough.

    Just hang in there, your loved ones will one day hopefully see that you really are sick and cannot withhold a job full or part time job. It is just something that you cannot help. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day for you.

  11. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Iam sorry really really sorry that you are going through this with your family!

    You know that I have been in your shoes before so I do understand!

    Is there any way of your mortgage company doing a loan modification?

    They can take the arrears and add them to the end of the loan...............they also usually make your firstn new payment due 6 weeks after the paperwork is complete.

    We were able to do a refi on our mortgage and it has made a huge impact on our finances!

    Just being able to start fresh ahd current gives you a second chance!

    Please know that I am here for you if you need someone who truly understands...................YOU are so in my prayers right now...............please email me and let me know if there is anything I can do to0 help ok!

    Love you ..................please try to stop crying it will get better!

    Love your friend
  12. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Thank you all so much! Doxy it is great to see you back. I missed you. I just appreciate you all so much.

    Mayline I didn't see your post earlier. Thank you so much. You are right. I have always been a doormat and need to do better. I am just glad I told him to be quiet last night that he was peeing me off. I was shocked I did that.

    Joan I have been to Maggie Valley. I think we went to the Ghost Town. I appreciate your suggestions. I have kind of a weird situation though. I live in the country in a small town. The housing prices are way down and there is no way our house would sell in this market, especially for what we owe on it.

    The other problem is that we used to live in a moblile home on my parents land. They have three acres and my dream was to always live in a house that was not a trailer. Mom and dad still live in the same trailer I lived in all my life. In 1998 we were doing good and decided to build a house in the middle of mom and dad's property. They gave us a lot to build on where our trailer was. I made a promise to them when I built that I would never sell it and if we divorced I would keep it. Around here most people stay the same place all their lives. Mom and dad have lived here for 41 years and I have lived on their property since 1987.

    Land is something that is important to the older folks and they want to keep it in the family. My daddy inherited his three acres from his dad and we have cousins, uncles, etc living all around us. Added to that fact is that my dad is a junk person. He collects it all, so he has not the best curb appeal. We live behind them in the woods and our house and yard are nice, but no one would buy them because of dad's junk and yard. So even if we wanted to sell I don't think anyone is buying. Thank goodness the appraiser didn't take that into accord when we first built, but he honestly wasn't looking out for the bank with true sell prices with his appraisal. At the time we didn't care. We just wanted a loan.

    I have told the bank that we will pay. We pay them every month one paymetn, but are behind two or three all the time. This happened a while back and we never caught up. If we get caught up we will be fine beacuse we are paying them every month at the same time.

    I have written them and told them all this, told them not to foreclose, that we will never not pay for this house because when we built it we built if for life and were making more money until I got sick. We were never behind from 1999 when it was done until 2002 or 2003. Never once late, until I lost my job. So I am in a bit of a pickle and a lot of people do say sell, but that just isn't an option. I know my family would forgive me if we did, but I don't want to do it.

    They will have to force me out of here and then they will be sorry because they will lose about 70,000 in the difference of what we owe and what it sells for when the bank tries to auction it. Why not let use pay for it like we have been? I would sell it though, now I think, if I could get the pay off price. I am that desperate. I have learned that a home is not your life, but in these country parts and this country girls heart it is hard to come to that decision when you have dreamed all of your life of owning a home and living in a stick built house. I love mobile homes and think they are very nice. I just got teased all my life for living in one and that was my dream. I know it is silly, but now I am stuck in what I wished for. I am so grateful I got my wish, but wish I could have afforded it after i got sick. LOL!

    Sorry to be so long. Just wanted to clarify why we can't just sell. We also asked the bank about lowering interest rate and putting the payments on the end of the loan and they wouldn't. They had us fill out pages and pages of paperwork a while back and I had my hopes up. Then when I contact them they say they don't do things like that? I'm like why did you send us the paperwork then?

    Wow my hands are killing me. Thanks for listening and for your post.
  13. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Thanks Joanl you completely know what I meant. It is hard for people who never live in this environment to understand. Thanks again for your post.
  14. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    But you are wrong about one thing. It is NOT your fault.
    The older I get the more convinced I am that having a good life is mostly a matter of luck.

    I also believe that families are over-rated. Most of them don't live up to the mental picture we have of what a famiily should be like.

    I hope something happens so things improve. Oh yeah, do you really need that friend?
  15. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Thank you Rockgor! I try to convince myself that it isn't my fault all the time, but with so many making me feel like it is I feel outnumbered. That is what is so great about this site. I come here and feel the numbers and feel the support and for that moment feel convinced. Thanks to all of you for that.
  16. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    I just wanted to give an update. My brother sent me an apology email. I sent him one back. I guess I went into too much detail and explained why it hurt me so badly. I gave examples of why it hurts to hear things like: why don't you exercise, get out of bed, get a job etc. I didn't hear back from him so I thought I made him mad. I sent him an email asking if he was mad, didn't get an answer.

    I became paranoid and thought what could have made him mad. then I started wondering had he been reading on this site and gotten mad about my post. I changed my name a while back out of fear of them reading here and holding stuff against me. I saw him Saturday and he asked why i was so defensive in my email. I said I was just trying to explain to you why I got so upset. He told me that I just seemed defensive and didn't need to explain my illness all over again to him and get into all that.

    He also said he didn't mean it to sound so bad when he said they needed to find me a job. He said he just meant that they needed to convince their boss to hire me so I could make some money. He didn't realize I was feeling so bad. I said well it was just insulting that I was talking about maybe losing our home and he just blurted out that I needed to get a job. I guess we just misunderstood each other, but it is so hard for people to understand that we get upset over these comments. I guess it is worked out. I know he meant well, but I am touchy. Thanks for all your support. I know you all know how it feels even if they don't mean to insult us.
  17. Butterfly_of_grace

    Butterfly_of_grace New Member

    wow...did you ahppen to sit at the table with MY BROTHER? my entire family is this way. As a matter of fact the other day we went to a bday party for my niece and well, my sister and my dad all knw that I was pretty bad over the summer with my herniated disc and they also knew I recently lost my job yet they didnt even bother to ask how I was doing or anything. I finally realized I NO LONGER feel guilty about shutting myself off to my family except my mom. They all suck and are so wrapped up in themselves and selfsih people.
    My sister to this day STILL thinks fibro is not a sickness its another term for a mentally depressed person when they cant find something wrong and that we are all hypochondriacs. She is in charge of 3 Doctors practices and baout 10 Doctors in them...go figure. But she constantly is sick and in bad shape...GO FIGURE...crying the blues to my mom and my dad and my siblings. She gets all the sympathy and everyone alwasy feels os bad for HER.
    We have money problems too. Im the only one in my family that has 4 kids (blended family) and also a husband with Seizure disorder. THEY all make great money. WE live on a shoe string. I try to make sure I have a job where 4 kids dont need childcare and Im home. Besides the fact that I cant keep up with life right now only having a part time job I couldnt imagine a full time job. I WAS working 30 hr weeks at my other job and then another 15 hours part time at night. I was getting sicker and sicker and my Doctor yelled at me for doing too my familys eyes Im just a lazy piece of crap....then again, THEY arent raising 4 kids...THEY dont have someone who also has a seziure disorder...even with that Hubby is now working 60 hour weeks and at HIGH RISK of seizures...we cant ehlp it...we are just doing our best to get by.

    HUGS 2 you. Im sorry you are getting so much grief. AVoid him as much as you can. Thats what I do. I know its hard though...Im the black sheep of the family because i have cut myself off to tham except my mom who cares about me and worries about me and sticks up for me all the time.

    Hang in there

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