My faith is being tested

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by pepper, Sep 23, 2006.

  1. pepper

    pepper New Member

    and I am wondering if I am passing the test. I would appreciate hearing what the wonderful people on this board have to say about it.

    I don't know if I have enough faith. Will I go to heaven? Will I pass the tests that I have been given? I am very unsure of these things at the moment.

    God has given me many tests over the years as I am sure He has with all of you. I am really struggling with my faith right now and am looking for strength.

    My DH retired 4 yrs ago with the idea of getting a job to supplement his pension. It still hasn't happened and we are going under financially.

    22 yrs ago this week, I left my first husband, the father of my 2 boys, because he was an alcoholic and I was afraid for my sons. Despite the pain that it caused us all, I am sure that I did the right thing.

    Now I am contemplating doing this a second time but am not at all sure that it is the right thing to do. He is drowning us financially by not working and still spending. Do I give up on a marriage when I still love the man so much and want it to work?

    Why has God not seen fit to send this man a job in all the applications he has sent in? Why has God put me in this position again?

    I want to stay in this marriage. I want it to work! I want to be with my high school sweetheart until we die but should I risk financial suicide in the process?

    Why has God allowed my DH to become so depressed with all the things that are happening in his life? He is so worried about his sister who is dying and his brother who was recently dx with cancer.

    I don't know if this is an appropriate topic. If you think it isn't, please let me know and I will delete it. I am questioning God and my faith and need some words of wisdom from some of you who are not in the middle of this mess.

    I am so sad and feel like I am drowning. My anxiety level is off the charts and I have no one of faith to talk to. My best friend is helpful but she is an atheist so it is hard to have similar perspectives.

    I love you all.
    Please, if you have any thoughts on this, I would appreciate your sharing them.

  2. dejovu

    dejovu New Member

    I think that the devil is seeing a way of getting to you. When we are week from sooooo much stress it is his oportunity to attack.

    Our God is a God of love and mercy. Such great love he had for you and me that he sent us his only son to take responcibility for our sin.

    We are his children and he loves us. It is not he who has brought these problems into your life but the devils.

    I am praying that he fight this evil one for you and your husband. He will conquer and I know you mush be exhausted so let us turn it all over to him and trust in his every word to us.

    He will never leave us and he will always protect us. Praying for you. De
  3. pepper

    pepper New Member

    That is a new perspective for me, being RC and all. I appreciate it greatly! Thank you so much for your prayers. I can't wait for the day that I can come on this board and tell you all that he has found a job and everything is going to work out.

    I am trying to believe that day will come and, with the prayers of everyone here, I believe it will. I am trying so hard to surrender to God's will.

    God blss you.
  4. dejovu

    dejovu New Member

    Gods will for us is only good things and that day is coming. Until then we do what we can and rely on God for strength. You will stay in my thoughts and prayers. God will provide a way. Be stong dear sister in Gods family. De
  5. pepper

    pepper New Member

    Thank you so much for your words of faith and thank you for your prayers.

    Your sister in God's family.
  6. bandwoman

    bandwoman New Member

    I prayed for you this morning and for your husband. In the Bible it says His strength is made perfect in weakness. The times that we are at our lowest is when God's strength is the strongest. I know it doesn't make sense in our humaness. I have been reading a book by Philip Yancey Where is God When It Hurts. It is so good.It does take a look at human suffering and searches for meaning in it all. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I don't have clear cut answers as to the why of any of our situations. That is part of the test to go through awful things and to trust God no matter what. When we are in that tunnel and it is black and we can't seem to find our way or direction that is when we must cling to the Lord no matter what we feel like. Our faith is not based on are feelings and this is a real trap of the enemy. God loves you no matter what. He loves you even when you may doubt your faith. I am going to pray that God will give you discernment in some tough decisions you are contemplating right now. I know you are not able to teach now. Is there any way that you could make some income from home or are you just not able to do that. I will continue to lift you up to the Lord and I do pray that you can get some direction and some peace in this awful time. Hang in there. God will not let you down.

  7. pepper

    pepper New Member

    I so appreciate your prayers.

    I have a small disability pension, based on my salary when I got sick in '93, non-indexed and highly taxed. If they let me stay on LTD until retirement in 7 yrs, I will get a raise!

    I am unable to work at all. Some days (like today) I don't even have the energy to get dressed. If I did have enough energy to do a job from home, the amount I made would be deducted from my LTD cheque. So, even if I could do it, it would not add one penny to our income.

    My DH is very healthy, aside from the depression, and very very energetic, typical ADHD personality. He is capable of working full time at a job and I resent that he isn't. He could be trying harder to get something but there is an emotional block of some kind preventing him fomr following through. Therapy might help but right now he refuses to go.

    What I am questioning now is why God is letting this go on for so long. At first I believed that God would lead my DH to something; I trusted that He would be there for us; I surrendered to His will; I prayed and prayed and prayed. And still nothing.

    After every bitter disappointment, I would pray and trust and believe. Maybe I should look up that book by Philip Yancey. I am going to check and see if it is in our Library.

    Your words of faith have not been wasted on me, Nancy, and I will try to keep believing that God will not let me down.

    God bless you for caring.

    Edit: I have ordered the book from the Library and should get it next week.[This Message was Edited on 09/23/2006]
  8. bandwoman

    bandwoman New Member

    I am writing a quick note before going to bed. I have an early morning Sunday School class before church. I am glad you found the book. It is pretty intense but I think it is giving me a new twist on suffering and I hope it will help you also. I will continue to pray for you. In many of my tough times there always seems to be this very long wait until you feel like you can't take anymore. God's timing never seems to be our own. Sometimes things even get worse at the point where we feel like we can't take any more. My past summer was like that. It started with a bad car accident right at the beginning of my summer vacation. Last summer my Dad died and that was certainly no vacation that summer. This summer I was so ready to relax and someone rearended me and totaled my car 10 days into my vacation. It absolutely turned my life upside down in those few seconds. The stress of buying a car very quickly while I was not in great shape was a terrible stress. I had to be in therapy all summer with my neck as I had whiplash. I had a very serious surgery five years ago on my neck. I was going to be paralyzed in 3-6 months the neurosurgeon told me in his office if I didn't have the surgery. So needless to say this car wreck was the last thing I needed. I had a severed friendship with one of my closest Christian friends later in the summer. It truly was the worst summer of my life and I thought I would never feel joy again. I didn't know why God had allowed this all to happen. This friend is the very person who helped me through my Dad's death. How could it be that she was taken from my life. I needed her. Well, God showed me that He would be there for me if I would just let Him. And guess what? He came through. I am doing very well now. I still miss this friend terribly but the Lord showed me that it was not a healthy relationship. This person had an abusive past and had not really dealt with it. She could be abusive herself and I experienced some of that. I look back and I am much stronger now. I felt weak and helpless this summer. God allows things to happen to us for our growth. It hurts and I don't think we will know the why of that until we get to heaven. This book talks about Job and the fact that God never did give Job an answer to the why of his suffering. I am sure that all of us will have many questions when we get to heaven. We have to even trust God in that mystery. I will continue to pray for you and I sure hope you can experience some peace in this storm.

  9. Asatrump

    Asatrump New Member

    I wish I had sage advice for you. Only you dear can walk in your shoes, but God alone knows what your life is like.

    I can only think of the saying: the good times never last, but the bad ones don't last either.

    With my prayers.
  10. pepper

    pepper New Member

    You have certainly had your share of sorrow in recent years. I am so sorry. But it seems that you have weathered it all and come out of it a better person.

    Can I bore you with a little history and can someone tell me where I am missing the boat?

    I was in a bad marriage for 16 yrs, summoned the strength when my youngest was 3 months old and left. I was strong and healthy and knew that I could handle whatever life threw at me. My ex abandoned my boys so I was very alone for awhile and then I found my high school sweetheart and we got married.

    For the first time in my adult life, I felt happy, content, sure of myself. I had a great marriage and a wonderful dad for my kids.

    In the fall of '92 I found my dream job teaching Special Ed. I had never been more content. We bought a nice home and I was ready to settle into my new life.

    Jan '93 it all fell apart when I came down with CFS, then FM, and lost everything that was important to me. I lost my job. I lost being able to be supermom to my kids. I was no longer the wife my DH married. We have been struggling ever since but always come out of it together.

    His recent depression and inability to find a job and pay our bills just seems to be the last straw and I do not understand why we would be faced with this on top of all my health issues and all the sadness we have faced in the past 14 yrs. In the midst of it all my mom got sick, died, my dad got sick, died, my MIL got sick, died, my BIL got sick, died, my SIL got sick, is dying and my BIL is now sick.

    This is just too much. And my DH says that he cannot find a job because he is depressed. And he won't do anything about the depression.

    Just when I think that it can't get any worse, it does. When will it all end? How do I keep my faith through all of this?

    Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
    Thank you.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/24/2006]
  11. pepper

    pepper New Member

    Thank you for praying. Prayer is what is seeing me through all this.

    If you read my reply to Nancy above, you will see that the bad times DO seem to be lasting. I just wonder if there will ever be good times for us again.

    Here we are in a terrible financial pickle. I have been going for BioCranial treatments for months. Finally I had found a treatment that actually helped me! More energy, less pain and my psoriasis was totally gone. I was so thankful. My ND and I prayed during each treatment that it would help me in my search for better health. And it was definitely helping.

    In July, my insurance company informed us that they will no longer pay for these treatments. Not only that - they want us to reimburse them for the treatments I have had! Thousands more dollars down the tube!

    My ND wrote them an excellent letter telling them that they are the only insurance company that refuses to pay for this treatment, that it fits within the bounds of naturopathic treatments which are covered under our plan, gave him the phone number of the Naturopathic Society who will confirm that, etc. They now have it "under review" but have told my DH that we probably won't win.

    How could this happen especially at this time when we don't have the $$$ to give back. And when I am so sick and in need of these treatments!

    One crushing blow after another. It doesn't seem to end.

  12. tlayne

    tlayne Member

    Hi dear one. Sorry, I am so tired but I just wanted to pop in and say....I am praying for you and I love you! You are loved and you are saved! The test was passed when Jesus died on the cross for you! Love, Tam
  13. caffey

    caffey New Member

    Pepper God loves you so much. He is not punishing you. The Bible says that all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed ( which is about the size of a pin head) so we don't have to have great gobs of it. God loves us and accepts us where we are at.
    1. God is a faithful God. His love and care for us never changes no matter how we feel or what we do. He has also promised that He will not give us any more than we can handle.
    2. Unfortunately many Christians talk about how we should never have any problems and if we do it is our fault. It is not true. If you read your Bible it is more about tough times and how God got these people through it.
    3. The enemy loves to get in the midst also to stir the pot.
    4. Unfortunately some stuff happens because of our choices in life. God will never violate our will.
    5. Then stuff happens that we will never understand until we get home to Heaven. That is hard and I wish I had some answers for you but I don't know why things are happening the way they are in your family situation.
    I am honored that you posted. It was not an easy thing for you to do. It actually is the hardest thing to do when we are going through a really dark time. There is safety and security in numbers knowing that others are praying for you and supporting you. I do know it will get better. When it will get better I don't know. Keep hanging onto God. After all what other options do you have? Once you have known God nothing else will satisfy.
    Father in Jesus Name I ask that You please come and give Pepper peace in the middle of the blackness that surrounds her right now. I speak Peace in Jesus name to her body, soul and spirt. I ask in Jesus Name that You please shine Your light into her darkness right night. Please help her to see this situation as it really is and not as she thinks it is. Please show her what to do in this situation. Please come and intervene in her marriage, health, and finances in such a way that she will know that is You that has done it. Please let her feel Your love surrounding her and holding her this day. Thank you that there is a breaking coming and that it will be ok. In Jesus Name Amen.
    I am sending you a gentle hug{{{ }}}} today. Please let us know how you make out. Remember we are here and you are not alone. You are loved and a special person.
  14. pepper

    pepper New Member

    Thank you both for your beautiful prayers and for being there for me in my time of need. I am printing off this thread to bring to bed with me tonight, solid evidence that you are there, words of your prayers in my hands.

    I love you all.
  15. bandwoman

    bandwoman New Member

    I have been praying for you all weekend. Are you connected to a church? The thought occurred to me this afternoon that possibly a pastor or someone you trust could make a home visit and talk to you and your husband. Your husband needs to acknowledge that he needs some help before any changes will happen. I am going to pray that he could receive some help for his depression. He is dealing with a lot with all the cancer in his family. He is probably grieving the loss of the life you had before the illness just as you are doing the same. You are both going through a very difficult time and that makes it hard. I say amen to all the things Cath said in her post to you. God will NOT let you down. You must hang on. You don't have to prove anything to God either. Jesus paid that price for us already. Someone said that. Tam maybe. So true. When all else fails, stand. In the Old Testament when Moses held his hands up and when he got tired others held his hands up for him. That is what we will do for you on this board. There are people that care and want you to have some peace and joy. Take care.

  16. pepper

    pepper New Member

    Thank you for your prayers. You are wonderful to be thinking of me and my DH. We do not have a pastor at the moment - for some time actually. There have been scandals in our parish so we have distanced ourselves from it and are worshipping elsewhere.

    My ND did suggest a church that is totally different from any church I have ever attended and I have been considering trying a service there. I am looking to find a place to call "home".

    For now, though, there is no one to turn to except the therapist that my DH was seeing before retirement. He dx him with ADHD and knew him better than anyone besides me. I think he could help him if I could convince him to go back there.

    The thought that I do not have to prove anything to God is so foreign to me! That is not the way I was brought up. Much more comforting and less guilt-inducing I must admit.

    "In the Old Testament when Moses held his hands up and when he got tired others held his hands up for him. That is what we will do for you on this board. There are people that care and want you to have some peace and joy." Nancy, what a beautiful, giving thing to say. Your words have given me some peace and joy tonight. I am crying grateful tears.

    God bless you, my friend.
    I am so touched by your caring thoughts.
  17. Pottersclay

    Pottersclay New Member


    Sometimes the trials that come our way is from the choices we make in life.
    I pray that God uses my trials to make me stronger and draw me closer to Him. Many times I think he uses the things that have happened in our life to help others that are going through the same thing.

    He will help us. All we need to do is ask.

  18. sixtyslady

    sixtyslady Member

    I"m praying for you right now in my home. its Monday morning 9:26,
    I"m not good at writing prayers on the board but I offer them up here in my home.
    now I"ve prayed, and I will start to give thanks for you and know that the prayers are being answer.
    blessing sixtyslady
  19. pepper

    pepper New Member

    I have been asking, and asking and asking. His answer seems to be "No." Do I just keep asking after 4 yrs of this? Is He still listening to me or does He figure I should give up already since I have his answer.

    This sounds flippant in reading it over, but my questions are sincere.

    I do think that the trials I have experienced have brought me closer to Him. I just think that I am reaching a breaking point and don't know what the answer is.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/25/2006]
  20. pepper

    pepper New Member

    We knew a wonderful Christian counsellor (another denomination but that doesn't matter) but he recently moved away. I would so love to be able to speak with him. I am going to try a new church some Sunday when I feel up to it and see what the pastor there is like.

    I am going to be forthcoming with my DH when he comes home this afternoon and tell him that we are going to our GP. I am asking for Lorazepam to help me with the dreadful anxiety that has been going on since this all started. And I want my DH to ask for Ciprolex (Lexapro in the U.S.) He only needs to take it once a day which was a problem when he was on AD's before. He would take 2 as prescribed, next day 0, next day 1, next day 0, next day 2, etc. It was a nightmare as his seratonin levels were all over the map.

    I hope that he will go for it. It will be a first step.

    Please pray that he is open to this.
    Thank you for praying, my friend.