My family is so insensitve

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Jittle, Jul 6, 2011.

  1. Jittle

    Jittle Member

    I don't even know where to start and just needed to complain to someone, sorry. Hubby can't help with this. There is no short story and I will proabably ramble on.
    My mom says she understands fibro and "tries" to care. She reads internet and articles I send but swears I can do more and am just being lazy. My sister didn't even bother to know what fm/cfs was until about 1 month ago: I was diagnoised close 2 years ago.
    For the past 2 weeks mom on vacation so i came 1.5 hours from home to run her small business for her, while here I was stayinhg at my sisters house.
    For my sister I have....
    - pulled a garbage can full of weeds
    - went to the market
    - went to dry cleaner
    - gave her dogs a bath
    - cleaned the pool
    - folded laundry

    All this while running my moms business and I had to run home to fix our living room after we paid someone to paint it and they totally messed it up.

    Last night (my last night here) all I wanted to do was shower, put on PJ's and watch the baseball game and call it an early night. Well this turned into a huge argument with my sister. All week I was told "don't do this" , and "don't touch anything". I am her call girl who could not sit down to do what I wanted to do for once. Not to mention like 3 times by my sister, and twice by my mom I was called a JAP (Jewish American Princess) because I do not work and have a so called " easy life" according to them. When I called her out on it all the sudden she said she was joking. It is not my fault I lost my job: I did not quit, by position was elimated. And yes it has been 6 months, and I am still out of work, but all symptoms got way worse after being laid off. My husband does not care and told me to take my time looking for a new job. Yes money is very tight now, but its not like the family is helping. My sister has thousands in the bank and we may be filing for bankrupcy The most horrible part is the JAP comment: We are not even jewish. My husband is (and they love him, and does everything for them.) and for them to make a racist comment against his relgion: I don't even know where to go with that.

    Well then I crashed: Every muscle and nerve went haywire, heachache, I wanted to throw up, I couldn't breath, I was shaking, my legs gave out. I escaped and went to moms house for peace, only to be followed by my sister. She never saw me sick, and still sick this morning. But here I am back at the office. Somehow I have to pull myself together to drive home in a few hours.

    My sister feels so bad, and I don't even care. But now with mom on her way home (who always defends my sister) I am sure I will have to here it from her to.

    Sorry for the vent, just needed to get it out.
  2. TigerLilea

    TigerLilea Active Member

    If your mom starts in on you, politely tell her that if she has a problem with you, the next time she goes on holiday, she can find someone else to look after her business for her.

    Some people just don't understand CFS/FM no matter how much information you give them. In fact, I don't think some people even want to understand it. Did you voluntarily do all those chores for your sister, or were you expected to do them?

    It sounds to me like your mom and sister resent the fact that you are able to stay home right now while they are both having to work. It would explain their offensive remark. As to your sister having "thousands" in the bank; even though it is tough that you could be facing bankruptcy in the near future, it isn't our siblings place to be bailing us out of our financial problems. Now, if they were millionaires, that would be a different story.

  3. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Unfortunately, we cannot control what others do; we can only control how we react. We can't make our family members caring human beings. When family members act like this it's usually because they are in denial or the anger stage of grief. They go through it too but differently than we do. I think it is even easier for them to get stuck in denial or anger.

    You can learn to set boundaries with others, including cutting off relationships with others who are toxic to your well-being. As drastic as that sounds, sometimes it is necessary. I highly recommend therapy for learning to deal with all aspects of our lives. It is good to vent but following up with therapy and coping skills will make a world of difference. good luck.

    Love, Mikie
  4. GeminiMoon

    GeminiMoon Member

    Please take care of yourself or this situation will only make you sicker. You were and are entitled to put on your pjs and watch the baseball game. Sometimes, we need to let go of others approval and opinions for our own peace of mind and health. I understand it is not easy when it's family, but this does not sound like it is good for you.
  5. earthdog2000

    earthdog2000 Member

    Dear Jittle,

    I am so sorry to hear about your mom and sister's insensitiveness, it is not okay! You deserve to be treated better than that. I know easier said than done but there has to be a way to reach them even just a little at a time. It sounds like you have not really let them see you be "sick and tired". Well, maybe it would be a good idea for you to try to show them when you are sick so they can see it for themselves. Hiding it just makes it look like maybe you are not that sick in their eyes.

    When I first got sick my sister gave me a book called "Fibromyalgia For Dummies" and after I read it I asked my hubby to at least read parts of it. He totally surprised me by reading the whole thing! Then he researched and got me on the right vitamens and started juicing for me twice a day. When he saw that he was really "helping me", he was much more sympathetic. Before that I think he thought I was just being a hypochondriac because I went from being extremelly active to very sick and tired after a 6-week bout of Epstein Barr Virus or Mononucleosis as it really is. He could'nt believe that I wasn't getting well but worse and thought I was being lazy esp. since he had to take over the cooking, housework and shopping!

    Anyways, I guess what I'm really trying to say is don't let your family tear you down and hurt your feelings like that. Maybe if you told your mom and sister all of your symptoms and that you could'nt help them anymore too that it may make it sink in! Maybe getting a book like the one I mentioned for yourself and your family and asked them just to read a little of it you would be surprised. I think that they just don't "get it" yet esp. when they see you looking well and helping them. Just say NO is what I do. People can get mad but they will get over it! Again, I am so sorry for your situation and I hope that I and others on the msg. board can offer you some good solutions to try.

    Faith, Peace and Healing, Julie
  6. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Good for you and for your hubby too. He really did the right thing instead of turning away in denial or anger. The measure of a spouse's character isn't how he acts when things are good; it's how he rises to the occasion when the going gets rough. I think he's a keeper!

    Love, Mikie
  7. earthdog2000

    earthdog2000 Member

    Thanks so much for your comment! I will definetly have my hubby read my reply and yours. A spouse, family member or friend needs to hear and see actions that show them how much we appreciate them! I was diagnosed with Bipolar II about 3 months ago so now we have a new journey ahead of us. So far I have recieved a lot of support from my hubby, family and friends but it has been very hard too. The good news is that my fibro and CFS is improving! Figure that one out!

    Thanks again Mikie, you are truly needed and appreciated on this board!

    Faith, and Healing, Julie
  8. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Thank you for your kind words. My eyes are tearing up.

    I am so sorry for your new diagnosis but I am glad your CFIDS and FMS are better. Our illness are so unpredictible and weird and they often travel with other illnesses. So many are living "normal" lives with Bipolar because of new meds and I am sending up a little prayer for you.

    Love, Mikie
  9. Jittle

    Jittle Member


    Thank you so much for your kind words and suggestion. Next time I am out I will absoutley look for that book. Maybe give it to my sister as part of her xmas presents ( I start shopping early). Since then I have been really sick: I have had a terrible headache. Not sure if sister brought it on or my neck is back to where it was years ago (basically vertabrae going in wrong direction). Trying to get to chrio today for emergency help.

    Oh, since then I think my sister realized she was wrong. She had apologized over and over, and calls me everyday for the smallest things (just to check in). Hopefully she has a new attitude. I think her long time boyfriend might have told her she was acting inapproprate: We will see

    Again thank you so much. And I am glad your husband as been a big supporter for you: We need everyone we can who will help.
  10. earthdog2000

    earthdog2000 Member

    Hi Jittle,

    I'm so happy to hear that your sister is finally coming around! It's amazing how family sometimes "needs" to see us really sick before they understand. I know that with my new dx of bipolar that some of my family don't really understand it and my dad is very worried about me. I am looking for a letter to explain more about bipolar in a short summary for family and friend's off the web. If not I may buy a book through Amazon because they are so much cheaper esp. when you can get them used.

    As far as the book I mentioned it is from 2002 so you may want to look for something more current. I just wanted to give you an example of what I did to try to get my hubby to understand more and it worked. I would definetly go on and see what you can find at an affordable price. There are soooooo many books on Fibromyalgia it's amazing. Also, when you look at the books make sure you look at the copyright dates and search inside book options so you can get the best book for you and your family.

    I am so sorry that you are suffering with the neck pain, it can be very painful. I know because I have had 2 surgeries on my neck for herniated discs and had discectomies and bone spur removal and suffered a lot before each surgery. My neck is now feeling so much better!

    Again, Thank God that your sis is coming around, maybe your mom and hubby will come around soon too! Keep your chin up and realize that these things take time. It's hard enough for us to understand fibromyalgia ourselves but even much harder for others who are well and able to work.

    Take care and I hope you feel better soon! Julie
  11. kisserkat

    kisserkat New Member

    My goodness, i don't know how you took care of all that for your mom and arn't in so much pain you can't even move!? You poor thing, i feel so bad for you.
    I totally understand what you are saying tho about ppl not understanding. My inlaws don't understand at all. They all just think i'm lazy. They don't get it and don't want to get it. My family cares and understands but unfortunately they live 3000 miles away while i live w/in a few miles from all my inlaws. lol. kinda backwards huh?
    Do i understand that your sister saw you during a crash? did she see the awfulness that can be FM? I hope so, sometimes ppl just need to see it full force to get even a tiny understanding of what we go thru and will go thru for the rest of our lives. Ya know, the only thing i can do about the ppl that don't get it, is to not worry about them. I just have to take care of myself the best i can. We have enough stress just coping on a daily basis, we can't take on their misunderstanding. Pray about it and let God deal w/ it.
    Reading your post brought tears to my eyes, i'm so sorry you had to go thru that. Gods Blessings on you. I hope all gets better. :)
  12. earthdog2000

    earthdog2000 Member

    Hi! I just wanted to welcome you to the board! This is the best place that you can be. There are so many understanding and caring ppl. here! There is lots of great advice, info, comments etc. with the best group of ppl. I have ever met on any boards I have tried. You will find that if you post that you are a newbie you will get ton's of replies!

    Faith, Peace and Healing, Julie
  13. kezzluvscats

    kezzluvscats New Member

    I had one of those families -they criticised my weight going up and i had to drop a college course as i couldn't sit there for 3hr classes. My mother stopped visiting and in the end while at my sisters where my mother was staying-i yelled and walked out never looked back. 3 yrs on i miss my little neices growing up but could not put up with my mothers cruelty anymore.It was all negitivity while she would not speak of, listen to or even read NO RESPONSE>>>unless criticism. I tried but no my illness wasn't even the issue in the end. I have grown children that live in melbourne far from me 24 and 28yrs old and i watched one suffer with asthma and the other had teenage pychosis and it was so painful. she has no feeling for me.
  14. Jittle

    Jittle Member


    Sorry to hear about your family issues. I wish I had the courage sometimes to walk out, but they always draw be back in. How are your children now? How are you doing? You would think my sister would be more receptive being that hher boyfirend has a whole mess of problems himself. Her theory is: Just take a pain pill, and you can do anything. I think thats why I was always able to do more around them: Not anymore. I would take extra pills just to be able to function at the level they needed me to, and then short myself later in the month. Now I am going to be my normal self and they will have to deal with it. My mom gets mad about my napping. I go back up there in 2 weeks: We will see how it is, and I will nap if I have to!
  15. 1937marie

    1937marie New Member

    What we are going through. I have a very large group and the only one with any understanding is my husband!