My Father passed away on Monday, So sad worse

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by jakeg, Sep 14, 2006.

  1. jakeg

    jakeg New Member

    My dad passed on, on Monday suddenly and I thought I was handling it OK until today when we went to look at menus for the wake and I found out that my siblings were going to turn this sad time into a mess and contest his will and deny his wishes.

    It's kind of hard to explain, there's not a whole lot of asset's and the vaulters are picking the remains clean.

    For along time in the past my dad and I were pretty much at odds, then my mother passed and youngest bother the following month and things seemed to get worse.

    After about 5 years we became really close. We spent alot of time together at the cabin which I've mentioned a few times in other posts.

    We worked together keeping this place together for all to visit and use when ever a get away was needed by anyone in the family.

    Now comes the problem we made a verbal agreement that it would be mine but his will is 10 years old and he did not change it, but he asked me if I would give him a couple of thousand dollars for something that he really needed and I agreed without any stipulations attached and he insisted that the comment stated payment in full for the cabin that we worked on together and formed a bond that we never had before.

    Now my siblings are saying that if I want to keep it that I'll need to pay the fair market value of the property and I say different because of what he wanted in the comment line of the check. I've taken care of this place for a long time, cutting the grass, painting and all the other maintenance that goes along with owning a house.

    This place has been in the family for a very long time. my grand pop owned it and then my dad and now it's my turn to make sure that it is there for generations to come but they are insisting that I pay the market value for it and if not it is to be sold.

    I've loved this place since my child hood and have cherished all of the times that we spent there and now they want to sell it or force me to buy it.

    What can I do?? I can't afford to pay what the market value is, it's bad enough that my father passed on to a better place and I've lost some one who has shaped my live and meant alot to me even though we went through ruff times, this place has meant the world to me and if it's gone I feel like I've lost everything.

    I know that my wife and children love me and support me, but this place is a part of me that I can't bear to loose this DD has taken my life away and now they want to take away one of the last things that can put a smile on my face and forget about how much my live has changed.

    I feel as though what is left of my life is being ripped out from under me again. How much is one expected to endure???

    Am I a bad person to want to keep this? they seem to think so.

    So where do I go from here?? What can I do if this piece of my life goes away also? I know I still have my immediate family, I just can't loose this.

  2. IntuneJune

    IntuneJune New Member

    I am very sorry you lost your Dad. Prayers for you and you immediate family.

    Hopefully, someone will come along with legal advice about the cabin. Times like these bring out the worst in some family members.

    Verbal agreements do not hold up in estate matters that are contested as far as I know.

    IF that IS the outcome, you MAY have to let go that part of your life.

    "I know that my wife and children love me and support me, but this place is a part of me that I can't bear to loose."

    It's not fair IF you do loose this special have history and your future dreams wrapped up in the cabin.

    You are however fortunate to have a loving wife and family right at your arm's length..... You are a wealthy man indeed.

    Let's us know how you make out.

    Fondly, June

  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    People do stuff like this all the time. They say things like, "Someday this will all be yours," but they don't say so in a will.

    This may be one of those things you have to accept because you can't change it. That doesn't mean, of course, that you are happy with the situation.

    I feel the same way about my son. We were very close until he was 16. Now he's in his 30s and does't really want me around at all. Nothing I can do to change the situation.

    We may have to just hold on to memories.

    On of the worst things people can do is fight over an estate until the litigation fees have equaled the value of what is being fought over.

    I'm sorry that your grief is aggravated by this dispute.
  4. simplicity

    simplicity New Member


    I'm so sorry for your loss. I know this is a difficult time for you. Please accept my sincerest condolences.

    Blessings and hugs,
  5. tonakay

    tonakay New Member

    I am so sorry to read of your loss. This is truly not the update I was looking for. My heart goes out to you. I don't know anything about wills but hopefully someone on here will have some ideas for you. Surely that canceled check will help too. Things were hard enough for you without all of this mess. Sending up prayers for you....


    Please take care of yourself
  6. 143alan

    143alan New Member

    are with you during this time of grief and sorrow. It is so sad that some people act the way they do during the loss of a loved one. Unfortunately, I've been through this far too many times than I would like to admit. I have sincerely come to believe that this happens in every family every time someone passes, I don't care how close a family says that they are and that it will never happen to them.

    I don't know about the laws in your state but my mother had a similar situation and she just held her ground. As long as she contested, which kept everyone from coming into agreement they legally could not do anything to the property or any of her father's estate. It took about five years and she alienated all of her brothers and sisters but she finally won and the estate was settled correctly. I don't know if you want to go through all of that. The check is a binding document so you may want to consult a lawyer to see if it is something you can use or not but that too will take time and money.

    It's a terrible situation and one that I would not wish on my worst enemy. When my husband died relatives that I had never seen or heard of came out of the woodwork trying to claim he owed them something or were entitled to what we owned. I've lost both of my brothers and people were ugly and hateful and they didn't even hardly have anything but it seemed like it was just the idea of getting something for nothing. One brother was a carpenter/contractor and had several thousands of dollars in tools and equipment. He also refurbished old cars and put them in car shows. We even had people that owed him money come up after he died and said that he promised them this and that, some were big money items like a Model A with the rumble seat,totally rebuilt, candy apple red hot rod valued around $23,000.00. No one cared that his widow has to now figure out how to pay the light bill the next month or keep food in the house and she would have to sell this stuff just to get by. Everyone wanted something for nothing but they wanted somethings that had value.

    Sorry for the long post but this topic just opens a flood gate of emotions in me. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I will be keeping you in my prayers
  7. MamaDove

    MamaDove New Member

    I am so sorry you have to go through this Hon...

    Manager gave some sound advice tho...

    I have been through something similar with my Dad and to keep it short...I fought, I retained a lawyer, and I won...

    My brothers were 'jokes' and from then (1997) til now, no contact...At least I found out who they really are...

    May Isuggest one thing...Sit down by yourself and write down how YOU view the situation...As for the memo on the check, the conversations with yourDad, maybe even some calculations of labor and supplies YOU put in the cabin...

    Then, contact your siblings and ask for a nice quiet sit down, JUST siblings, no spouses or kids...Explain your side, calmly and stick to the 'script'...Then ask them how they would like to proceed...If one jumps out and says "So you think you're entitled to the cabin?" or "Dad told me I could have it" or anything along those lines, you know immediately where they stand...

    I held my Dad's belongings in my posession when he died, I also bought him a home to live his last days as well as cared for him for a year through lung cancer...I did all his paperwork and held Power of Attorney and could have taken everything, but there was only one thing I wanted, for his last wishes to be respected, whether in writing or not...Again, I fought and I won...My father went in peace and his daughter was the only one grieving while fighting the greedy siblings...It's horrible to go through and you may find yourself in disbelief that these people are actually related to you...It's the saddest thing I have ever gone through...I hope my siblings think it's worth it.

    If you feel that they cannot be dealt with kindly, look into your rights and tell noone what you are doing...NOONE.

    If this cabin is meant to be yours in memory of the times you spent with your Dad, it will be...You will find his guidance every step of the way...Your health will suffer if you must battle your siblings, but the outcome may be worth it...

    Think positive, stand your ground, know your rights and go for it...I am hoping that the cabin will be yours and all the loving memories of you and your Dad untainted at the end...

    Stay healthy as possible and fight a good fight...Your Dad stands beside you...

    Peaceful days ahead~Alicia
  8. swiss

    swiss New Member

    So, so sorry for your loss and the difficult situation. All you need is this in addition to your health problems

  9. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    I am sorry for your sad loss.

    This happens so very often, this will contest. I have good friends who are now estranged from their siblings due to this.

    I think that if it ws clear a verbal agreement stood as a given, then your siblings should honor this. Also, you are entitled to be paid for all the work you have done over the years.

    Try and be calm. Remeber, "When being lied about, don't deal in lies".

    Love Anne
  10. abbysmom

    abbysmom New Member

    Dear Jake,
    I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I understand what you are going through. I lost my Dad a year ago last May to suicide. The death of a parent is so hard. It ripped my extended family apart. He left a hand written will that was not notorized and his second wife took everything. The will was not legal.

    Even though his wishes were made very clear she (the wife) decided that "He must have been mad at her" to leave me and my sister half of everything. He didn't have much but what he had he wanted to share with me, my sister and his wife. His sister Becky(my aunt) sided with his wife. We had been close before this and losing my aunt to this betrayal was almost as hurtful as losing my Dad. I wanted to fight it but had no money to do so and also the added stress on top of FMS was destroying me. I had to give up. I feel as if I let my Dad down by not fighting for it. I just didn't have it in me. I still don't. And sometimes I get angry that
    1. He left us like this.
    2. That he didn't take the time to get a legal will and put us in this position.

    If you have the strength to fight it, fight it. If not, then don't risk your health for it. Try to keep in mind that you knew what he wanted you to have even if you can't have it. I am not a religious person and am not trying to push anything on you but one thing that has helped me through this is the serenity prayer which I learned in alateen when my Dad was attending AA meetings:

    God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    The courage to change the things I can,
    And the wisdom to know the difference.

    This has helped me stay sane through this nightmare.


  11. minkanyrose

    minkanyrose New Member

    I don't know what you can do. But I feel your frustration and pain. you are not a bad person you want to hang on to the love and joy you shared with your father. my life story with my dad was pretty much the same as yours.

    My baby sister took almost everything my dad owns be in mind my mom is still alive. my brothers got some of his tools and work clothes as did my sister she worked in the same trade as my dad.

    My dad passed away 2 years ago so I am doing better with it now but still battle the war in me that is mad at my siblings.

    Oh I did get something of my dad's I got the rest of his carton of cigerretes and his Bic lighter. And purely by mistake I got my dad's pen he journaled with. I took phone messages at my mom's house and used that pen evedantally when I was done as I do everything so I don't lose it I put it in my purse. I didn't find it in there until a year later.

    Yes my siblings took every material thing away from me but they couldn't take away my memories.

    I know these seem like words I felt the same and still do feel as you do. I pray your sibling open their eyes and see that it doesn't mean anything to them and putting a value on it is simply selfish.

    hope you get legal answer you need.

  12. 1sweetie

    1sweetie New Member

    Please accept my condolences on the loss of your Father. I am glad that you were able to share such good times with him and that you will have those memories to hold close to you.

    As a former banker and financial adviser, I saw this situation play over and over again. I have watched families destroyed and estates lost to attorneys.

    Unfortunately, where I live, a verbal agreement means nothing. I have seen so much hurt and pain and have heard "it will never happen in my family" and it does. Greed rules it seems.

    I hope that your siblings will have a change of heart and that you can have what means so much to you.

  13. achy

    achy New Member

    I send prayers for serenity and peace....I am so sorry for your loss.

    If it helps, your not alone. Wills are respected about as much as a parking ticket these days. Just sit back and try to let it roll off your shoulders...let them fight it out and while your waiting for the dust to settle remember your dad and all the things you shared.

    God Bless
  14. laura81655

    laura81655 New Member

    It may take some time to accept giving up the cabin. I do understand how you feel about wanting to keep it, the memories you had there, and wanting to keep it in the family.

    My uncle built a beautiful cabin in the mountains when I was young and I would go there at least once or twice a year until 2003 when he sold it after my aunt died. It was very difficult for me. This cabin felt like "home" to me. I know that his son has never for given him for this because he wanted to keep it in the family also.

    Please try and give it some time to accept and heal from this experience. Try to be thankful for all the good times and memories that can never be taken away from you concerning your cabin.


  15. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I'm so very sorry for the loss of your father and all this stress for you. My prayers are with you.

    Love, Mikie
  16. suzette1954

    suzette1954 New Member

    I am sooo sorry for your loss. My parents have been gone for a long time. You are now an orphan and that pain never goes away.

    Trust in God to do the right thing. My sister wanted to buy our family home after my dad died and mother remarried and built another home. Mother refused to sell to my sister and I think she is still sad about that. Then we lost our mother too and now we are orphans. It doesnt matter how old you are that support from parents is gone. Im sorry your siblings are acting this way.

    I will pray for you and your family at this time of loss

  17. rmc20021

    rmc20021 New Member

    I'm so sorry to hear of the death of your dad and your situation.

    I just ended a legal battle with my mother over some real estate. Found out my husband was cheating, (our home was only in my name), signed house over to my mother for 'safe keeping' during divorce. Mother then decided she needed 35,000.00 in order to give it back.

    I put my trust in God for the truth to come out in court (I couldn't believe the lies she told in order to try to take my home away...and was shocked).

    It felt as though my mother hated me with all her heart...she even attacked me when we left court, physically beatin on me. Called me every name in the book. My dad even told me he hated me and that he'd kill me. All with absolutely not a word come from my mouth.

    I won. My mother now has cancer. We are putting our disagreement behind us. But it has to make me wonder exactly where God layed his hands.
  18. Abednego

    Abednego New Member

    I have seen your situation with the house happen to so many people--At one time houses were homes and in some places they still are, but once speculation turns a home into a real estate investment, greed can enter the picture so easily and all hell breaks loose. It's a shame what people have to go through with the economic pressures on ordinary families. I would have liked my mother's house, if she hadn't freaked out and sold it at a low point in the market; she'll probably burn through all her funds, and for her sake I hope she does, but she could have rented out with a property manager--houses in Sunnyvale don't rent cheap--and be paying her current upkeep. I expected to inherit a lot of nice family heirlooms and antiques, too, but they were mostly sold or given away, independently, by both my parents. But one can only pull out so much of one's hair, and I need what I have.
    I will pray for you and your family, and for your father's peace on the other side. I expect many others will, too.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/15/2006]
  19. findmind

    findmind New Member

    I'm so sorry you are experiencing these oh, so common problems after the loss of a loved one.

    My deepest condolences, jake. I'm happy for you that you were able to reconcile with your dad and have those great moments to remember.

    It was big of you both to get over the past rough spots and beloving to each other; to me, that is the greatest gift you could give one another.

    Maybe you could turn the property into a "time share" situation where it would be kept in the family for years to come; that way, everyone would win, and you won't have to go through what will surely be a terrible legal wrangle which will surely make you much sicker.

    I hope you find a solution that will work for you all to be able to say something positive came out of such a tragic time.

    Much love, many hugs,
  20. jake123

    jake123 New Member

    You may have to get an attorney to help you. If they want to sell it rather than keep it in the family perhaps they will see it your way.
    Sometimes a death in the family will bring out the worst in the family. My sibling had a daughter to go through my mother's drawers. And she insisted on having mom's car. This sibling caused Mom so much trouble and heartache. Normally I would have given her the fight of her life but I was devastated and could not stop crying for weeks.

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