Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by zion1971, May 22, 2006.

  1. zion1971

    zion1971 New Member


    i hope everyone is having a good day today. i just need to vent some sad feelings.

    my husband and i had a bad fight last night. he said some things to me that hurt me so deeply. i tried telling him that i need a little more help around the house (childcare, cooking, cleaning). he really is a dream husband. we recently started a business so we could make more money. as a result, he has been busy with that. i do understand this. i just do not have my life under control with this illness. so, any change in the structure of my daily life could spiral into a flare. i just came out of three flares over the past 2 months.

    we disagreed about the way something was handled. what hurt me was the comments he made about me not doing much. he said that other women can handle these things and that i need to be more of a woman. he was soooo angry. he was yelling and cursing. i tried to explain that i am sick and it is hard to do things during the day. he said it wasn't like i was doing much anyway.

    i was so hurt. he really is the only ally i have left. each day we just become distant. i have no one to talk to about my challenges. my mom is so kind and helpful to others but she doesn't talk to me about this. i try not to focus on these things.

    i cannot work and rely on him totally for support. i feel like he could abandon me at anytime. i was the overachiever, so it is hard to be at someone else's mercy.

    i really need prayers for hope. thanks for listening.
  2. jillian44

    jillian44 New Member

    I know what you are going through. My husband says cruel things to me too. I got sick on vacation and he was upset about it. I feel I can't take it anymore. I'm even thinking about divorcing because he is so mean to me over me being sick all the time. If you have kids he will have to pay child support. He will have to pay some support to you too. and fifty fifty in a marriage. Now get mad and tell him if he can't take it then divorce me. thats what I told my husband and things have changed. Now go get him girl!
  3. julieisfree05

    julieisfree05 New Member

    Have you considered counseling?

    My marriage was beyond repair, but I know people who have been helped by it.

    Also, it's not the job of a therapist to "keep you married"! The goal is to find out if you want to or should stay married!

    Good luck.. I've been there..

    julie (is free!)

    It sounds simple
    that's what you're thinkin'
    but love can walk through fire
    without blinkin'... - Alan Jackson
  4. kriskwon

    kriskwon New Member

    Hey. I really feel for you. That's a heck of a position to be in. Any chance that you could get him to go to your next Dr appt.? You could call the Dr ahead of time and explain your situation (that he doesn't understand your limitations) and maybe he could talk to your husband about it.

    I will pray for you tonight for your husband to open his heart and for God to give you direction.

    DON'T feel guilty, you didn't do anything wrong. As for needing someone to talk to about your challenges, I believe that is what this board is intended for :<)
  5. shell3

    shell3 New Member

    dear zion,why do husbands have to be so hateful? i am so unhappy with mine.i was alone for 25 yrs... raising 3 daughters. have my own home but ,i dont know why, i am scared to get a divorce.i feel sorry for you and anyone with young is not easy being alone but you really dont want to live with someone that doesnt respect you. STRESS< STRESS!!!every day i think about divorce. maybe one of these days i will just do it!!it would be a very happy day for me.. i am praying that your husband changes his attitude toword you.. i wist you the
  6. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    About 3 years ago my MIL suddenly took sick and we the family were told that she had NO IMMUNE SYSTEM as she had lupus and rumitoid aritritis and so much more. Sshe waas awake for a few days but the my family got to talk to her that day and we all had a really good talk and were told how much she loved each of us. She told me that i was the best thing for her son and that she loved me as her own and how spcial I was to her and imoportant to her as the mother of her grandchildren.

    My husband of 22 years at that point came home after spending nights at the hospital with his mother and informed me that HE WANTED A DIVORCE , that he was not happy and not one real honset reason for feeling like he did. HE informed me that I wass not to get a lawyer and was a genereal pain in my real end as I did n't want a divorce, yes he says things that cause me pain but I chock it up to his lack of knowledge and that that male thing of I KNOW EVERYTHING AND I AM ALWAYS RIGHT. I HAVE ALL THE KNOWLEDGE ADN YOU DON'T Which is a load of BS.

    Needless to say after living to get from FEB>19 to JUne 4th. He moved out but spent more time here than at his apartment and finally he got his lawyer and I was told that i would have to live on less that $500.00 a month and I would have to find my own place to live and get a job.

    I was so angry that I called a lawyer and talked with her for about a hour the first visit is free. So Iwas told that I would could get one /half of what he make every month . That meant that I would get have of his salery .$1400.00 every month Plus he would have to keep me on his medical insuracne and pay for half of my rent.

    To make a long story short. I talked with him one day and infromed him that I would be intitaled to half of everything he owned and I had it all in writing. HE was so pissed off and told me that there was NO way he would ever pay me that much money and keep me on the insuracne. But when he saw his own lawyer he had been given all of my medical records and he had not told his lawyer that I can't work and I am disabled. So it would make it much easier for the judge to award me with the money that I would need to support my self and he would be respondsable for my medical care and co-pays too.

    Needless to say I got phenumonia and we worked it out through some counsleing and are still married today. WE have been married for 25 years now.

    Does he still say things that hurt my feelings Yes , but I have to take it inaccount that he has no clue that women feel differently about EVERYTHING than men do. WE are different in the way we feel , think and assess our pain. To him he thinks that my pain is not that big of a deal. And I should just buck up , & deal with it , I have told him that what I feel is so different than what he feels and when he will go to the doctor with me he will understand.

    He has seen me in so much pain from doing things that to him are "NO BIG DEAL" and they put in me bed for a week.

    WE went to a MOuntian man rondevous and I walked far to much and I spent two weeks in so much pain that I was in tears all day and night. I could not move. This shcoked him as he thought that I had not done that much but when he would try to rub my legs to get the muscle cramps out of my calves they would be rock hard and the knots staid. HE is learning that what he thinks is bad pain is different than what I think it is.

    I have got him to understand that chronic pain is like my nervesous system has been short circited and the pain sygnal keeps sending pain messages to my brain even when there is no reason for the pain.

    Going throught a dicorce can cause you so much more pain and send you throuh a flare. BUt don't let him walk over you talk with a lawyer and find out what they have to say. And then tell him that. Try to work it out and if it does great and if not you have now gotten all the informatation that you need to get a good settlement.

    YOU will find out all that you wil need to get a good alimony settlement and insurance too. Don't let him get the best of you by threatening you with the BS of don't get a lawyer of your own .BECASSUE he will have to pay your lawyer as well as his. IF you don't have a job you will get a better deal.

    I HOpe that all wil work out but if it doesnot then get out but find out all that you can about what you need to do.

    HUGS <
  7. jakeg

    jakeg New Member

    This probably is all related to starting a business. Believe me I know I started one 2 years after my wife and I were married, and things got to be pretty bad at one time. Starting a business is a very time consuming and stressful thing in both of your lives.

    When I started mine I had to work on average of 12 to 16 hours a day to get it off the ground and continued to do so four the first 5 years of the business, after which I was able to cut it down a little by a couple of hours, but still worked hard and long hours every day 7 days a week.

    I'm not saying that what he said to hurt you is all right because it's not, but the demands of owning and operating your own business is very stressful and will put a strain on your relationship for some time to come.

    You both need to sit down and talk about this and how it is affecting your relationship and what both of you can do to avoid this in the future. My wife and I did this after about 2 years of arguing about how things were going and me not having any time to spend with our family (2 baby girls) at the time.

    Both of you need to compromise on things and make some rules about the business and how it will be handled so that it will not interfere with your relationship.

    If both of you can't find a common ground between yourselves seek out counseling. I would not jump the gun and start issuing ultimatums, that will lead nowhere except to divorce.

    I know I said some pretty bad things to my wife at that time also, but we moved on and found an understanding and common ground that met all of our needs at that time and have been happily married ever since. We've been together now for 18 years and expect to be for the rest of our lives.

    Just remember that when people are angry or very stressed out that things get said that aren't really meant and if he is anything like me realizes that he hurt you but does not know how to apologize for it or is worried that it may have changed the way that you look at him in terms of feelings.

    Take care

    [This Message was Edited on 05/23/2006]

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