My Hubby Finally Understands

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by dd, Oct 7, 2002.

  1. dd

    dd New Member

    Hi All - Just wanted to share a bit of good news. My husband and I have been having difficulties lately in our marriage because of this DD. We were arguing more and more for the dumbest things. This lead to us barely speaking to each other. For the longest time I have felt so alone dealing with my illnesses, except for the wonderful people on this board. When I first became sick my husband was very supportive and caring but then his attitude started to change little by little. Well, to make a long story short, I could not take our relationship the way it was going. I wrote him a letter the other night explaining to him how alone I felt and how guilty I felt about getting sick, even though it was not my fault. It was a very long and heartfelt letter. I gave him the letter on his way out to work. I did not hear a word from him all day so I figured that he just tossed it aside and forgot about it. Well, when he came home on Friday he had roses for me and a wonderful card of apology. When he gave me the roses he was crying and told me how sorry he was for being such an a.. lately. The letter that I wrote him opened the door of communication again. We sat down and had a real heart to heart talk. I just listened to what had been hurting him. He said that he was just so mad at the disease that he began to take his anger out on me. He said that he knows that it was wrong but he didn't know how to handle it anymore. He also told me that he felt bad that he could not take the disease away and make me better again. We talked about so many things and resolved a lot of issues. He also made arrangements to take me away this coming weekend. Just the two of us, no kids. I can't wait because we really need this time to ourselves. He has been so caring and compassionate the last couple of days. It is like heaven and I actually have felt a lot better physically the last couple of days. I think that the emotional stress that I was under was lifted and that is what my body needed.

    So, if anyone else out there is having hubby problems, I am sure there are a lot, maybe try this approach. It worked wonders for me.

    God Bless,

    Debbie
  2. dd

    dd New Member

    Hi All - Just wanted to share a bit of good news. My husband and I have been having difficulties lately in our marriage because of this DD. We were arguing more and more for the dumbest things. This lead to us barely speaking to each other. For the longest time I have felt so alone dealing with my illnesses, except for the wonderful people on this board. When I first became sick my husband was very supportive and caring but then his attitude started to change little by little. Well, to make a long story short, I could not take our relationship the way it was going. I wrote him a letter the other night explaining to him how alone I felt and how guilty I felt about getting sick, even though it was not my fault. It was a very long and heartfelt letter. I gave him the letter on his way out to work. I did not hear a word from him all day so I figured that he just tossed it aside and forgot about it. Well, when he came home on Friday he had roses for me and a wonderful card of apology. When he gave me the roses he was crying and told me how sorry he was for being such an a.. lately. The letter that I wrote him opened the door of communication again. We sat down and had a real heart to heart talk. I just listened to what had been hurting him. He said that he was just so mad at the disease that he began to take his anger out on me. He said that he knows that it was wrong but he didn't know how to handle it anymore. He also told me that he felt bad that he could not take the disease away and make me better again. We talked about so many things and resolved a lot of issues. He also made arrangements to take me away this coming weekend. Just the two of us, no kids. I can't wait because we really need this time to ourselves. He has been so caring and compassionate the last couple of days. It is like heaven and I actually have felt a lot better physically the last couple of days. I think that the emotional stress that I was under was lifted and that is what my body needed.

    So, if anyone else out there is having hubby problems, I am sure there are a lot, maybe try this approach. It worked wonders for me.

    God Bless,

    Debbie
  3. marinemom

    marinemom New Member

    but at the same time, I'm happy for you too.

    My husband WON'T talk about this DD. My mother-in-law says he scared, but that, to me, is no excuse. If I bring up something the doctor or my chiropractor says, he changes the subject to his work again.

    Thankfully (I think) he's working out of town now and only makes it home every third weekend. We are eventually going to have to move, so I'm trying my best NOT to get too depressed about that. But, it's really hard, when I know that he will expect me make ALL the arrangements and be ready to hit the road when he walks in the door. That, on top of removing the youngest from this school and transferring him to the new one! GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR! I get frustrated just thinking about what's to come!

    Anyway, kudos to you, girl! Enjoy!
    Kathy
  4. motg

    motg New Member

    That is so great. I am glade that it worked for you. Have a great time on your get away weakend. By the way can we clon him or have him teach my husben to be more understanding. I tried the letter and he still does not get it.
    Barb
  5. dd

    dd New Member

    I know what you mean. My husband would refuse to talk about this DD with me too. Everytime I would bring up the subject he would walk out of the room or turn the tv up. I really thought that things were getting to the point of divorce if something didn't change. I love him dearly and we have been married for 11 years with 3 young sons.

    When we talked to each other he told me that he is scared at what might happen to me. So, there may be some truth in what your mother-in-law says. I agree with you, there is no excuse for rudeness. This DD not only affects us, it affects our whole family in different ways. Each person deals with it in their own ways too. In my husband's case he said that he loves me so much and hates to see what I go thru day to day. Of course I told him he had strange way of showing his love to me. He knows he was wrong for his actions. Since our conversation I understand what he had been going thru too. Sometimes that wall just builds up and someone has to take the first step to break it down. I am glad that I took that step. Time will tell what the future holds for us but at least we are speaking again.

    I wish you luck with your husband. I know how difficult it can be. It is so stressful when there is a barrier in the relationship. Stress is one thing we can do without.

    Peace,

    Debbie
  6. poodlegirl

    poodlegirl New Member

    Debbie,
    I am sooo glad your husband has took the first steps in accepting and at least trying to understand what you are going thru. Actually it is waht the whole family has to go thru. My husband and I have recently had something very similar. He has always been there for me, but he did not really understand this disease and its symptoms and efects on my body. He would say, oh, get some rest or your just stressed. He would sort of dismiss me;I think he thought I was a hypocondriac. So I would basically keep alot of pain and anguish bottled up. I would hide when I hurt as best I could, complaining very little. I must say it was hard to hide it at times. Lots of times I was sort of glad if I came down with a cold or the flu because at least I could hurt and him see it was a real thing and I could let it out. Anyway, he was there for me, but not, you know. I was dismissed. Anyway, it has been really bad lately, the pain and exhaustion and nearly unbearable. There has been no hiding it. Basically I had a breakdown, crying, screaming, nearly hysterical, we fussed, spilled our guts and I think for the first time he really really saw how much pain I was in. And it scared him. He hugged me and wiped my face and said he was sorry and that he would try to be more understanding and that we would cope with this thing together. He really has went out of his way to accomadate me and be super sensitive to me since then. It helped alot! So enjoy your weekend together. We have also been wanting to get away, but I have been hurting too bad and we are going to wait til I can get a little relief maybe from the doc Wed. Take care!
  7. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    spouses do have the hardest time dealing with our dd. sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom for them to understand.

    i went through a short separation this summer and my husband broke down and told me he wasn't sure he was cut out to be a fibrohusband. wow, that hurt. but then i started to dismantle the thought, and actually understood his point, he was very scared and tired of this too. it is exhausting for both parties. men especially find it difficult when they can't fix something.

    i hope you have a wonderful weekend, you are a lucky lady to have such a loving husband.

    warm regards, fibolady