My husband announced that he can't be my caretaker...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Suzan, Aug 9, 2007.

  1. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    I originally posted this on the FM/CFS board...but it needed to come here and not clog up that board with personal things..

    If you don't know the first part of this..
    After 28 years of marriage..and 5 of FM..the last year pretty rough for me...My husband announced that he cannot be my caretaker for the rest of his life.

    He does not take care of me...I just cannot do everything as quickly in the house..but I still do it all..and I have a difficult time doing outside of the house fun activities..but I am able to go out sometimes. We do entertain in our home fairly regularly,mostly because we relocated a year ago from WI to KY..and many MANY people have come to see us down here...and stayed for between 1 and 4 nights...So it isn't as though I am sitting in a chair or in bed...and shutting out the world.

    But..he seems to be having a major midlife crisis..and has let me know that he won't wreck the rest of his life the way the last year has gone...and he can't take care of me..he can't and wont.

    He will, according to him figure out a way to make sure I am financially cared for because working for me is out of the question at this point. He also has told me that the rheumatolgist that told me to see a psychiatrist was probably right..and that would probably fix my fibromyalgia because it is probably mostly in my head.

    The man has never done any research about this..and obviously is choosing not to believe anything I have told him about the research on FM at this point in time.

    So, I feel like someone has cut me off at the knees. And ripped out my heart. And the FM is making me totally exhausted and in pain.

    I dont' think I have ever felt this lousy in my entire life.

    I do have 3 grown kids ( I am 54)...and 2 have financially secure lives..and they are all supportive and have offered a place to live..and even to support me financially if that is what I need. But I don't want to do that to them.

    We 'mortgaged the farm' to take the risk to come to KY...and we are cash poor ...and at this moment the 'wisest' path financially is for us to figure out how to exist in the house for about a year till the new business we are trying to get rolling can provide the income necessary for us both. At least that is HIS plan right now...

    He told me he is waiting to talk to a lawyer till he can buy me out.

    Now many of you will think he is a jerk..and right now I agree..but this is a man that after a lot of rough ups and downs in the first ten years..has spent the last 17 years being a wonderful husband and father...

    But I think a sick wife..wore him out..and I think he is showing classic mid life crisis symptoms.

    If you have read all this..thanks! I appreciate it.
    If you have something in your life that is similar...or if you just want to show support...I would so appreciate.

    And if you came here to check on me from the FM board...I SO APPRECIATE you!

  2. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    I'm so sorry. I have no words of advice, but wanted to let you know that I think it sucks what you are going through.

    Hang in there hon and lean on those children when you need to. That's why we have em right?

  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear the bad news. It must be devastating to have a wonderful and supporting husband turn into a selfish jerk.

    Is he planning a divorce? I'd go see a divorce lawyer fast. First one to get a lawyer is ahead. You don't want assets to disappear, etc.

    Good luck.
  4. mezombie

    mezombie Member

    Oh, that is awful! I am so sorry and sad to read this.

    I think you're right on track thinking that it's him, not you. Try to hold on to that thought!

    I wish I could add something worthwhile. I do agree with Rock's advice. Money can't make the DD go away, but it can provide for a living situation that is the least stressful for you.

    These things happen all too often with us. The good news is, usually it works out.

    I am with you in spirit.

    Hang in there, girl!
  5. poolah

    poolah New Member

    SUZAN, It breaks my heart to hear such a tragic situation as yours. It's enough having to deal with the illness; now this. My prayers are with you.
  6. sisland

    sisland New Member

    You'll be in My Prayers!,,,,and please listen to Rockgor and get a lawyer Fast!
  7. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    I will do that when it is time ..I will NOT let him put me at a financial disadvantage if I can do anything about it at all.

    I divorced once in my 20s...then saw my parents divorce and watched my mother say 'ok' to everything, and she has suffered financially for 30 years because she didn't stand up for herself. I WILL NOT cower and let him walk away with anything that by legal right should be mine.

    I AM sick...and he IS responsible by law for many things...from what I hear..KY law is very 'kind' to women..particularly sick women. I will be asking my doctor for documents attesting to my illness and disabilities. IF my husband does go ahead and want the marriage ended..I will make sure that I get what ever is legally due me.

    Until then though..I am trying to be in survival mode. I have experienced a death of someone very close to me..and I felt much the same as I do today.

    FM is flaring full force already...I was hoping the adrenaline would hold it back for a while longer..but that doesn't seem to be the case. This would be tough enough without FM..but it is surely worse with it.

    My first act of standing up for myself came last night..when he grumpily commented about no dinner being thought of by me...I said well, roomates are responsible for their own dinners...He did ask me if I wanted what he was cooking...I said no, I wasn't hungry...more accurately though...I cannot eat with him..and eating at all is a struggle right now. I am eating..but it is so hard to do.

    This is the last work day of the week..and the weekend is scaring can I mentally survive 2 days of him being home all day...I am so hoping he decides to leave the house for at least part of the days...but who knows.

    I did have my son put a chair in my room so I can now sit comfortably and watch tv..ALONE. Last night I had a sobbing tearful breakdown...I sort of hope he heard me!...and then I sort of talked myself back up to strong again. I imagine this is how it will go for a while till I can get past this initial pain and shock.

    Thanks so much for the kind thoughts and words...and support. Living away from all my friends and family...this place and you people are a big source of strength for me.

    Unfortunately I will likely be in need of this for a I hope I don't wear anyone out too much!

    I keep repeating things like ...I can survive and thrive when I get thru this...I do not deserve FM or being left because of it....If he leaves me, it will definately be his loss because I am WORTH having !

    If you have any other phrases that I could use to stay strong...or that you use to get thru a tough stretch..I would love to hear them!

    Thank you so much!
  8. mossrose101

    mossrose101 New Member

    Im sorry you are going through all this. The end of a marriage is much like a death and you will go through many, many emotions. I can hear in your posts that you still love your husband and that is natural; after all, its not you who is talking of ending the marriage.

    I preface everything that follows that all I say is just my opinion out of concern for you dear lady. Take what you will and throw out the rest!

    I understand the idea of living as roommates for a time because of financial issues right now but wisdom tells me this is going to be more difficult for you then him.

    I dont know your husband and I dont want to sound like Im bashing him but from your posts about all this, I could conclude that he is selfish. Because of that and because your love for him is still alive it could have consequences for you during this time of living as roommates.

    As an example...suppose he is lonely and wants some company one evening; he will reach for you since you are familiar and available. You on the other hand could read this to mean that he is maybe changing his mind. Maybe he is and maybe he isnt but if he isnt, the letdown and pain for you will just start over again.

    Please, please, rethink the idea of the roommates. Its too convenient and easy for him to abuse the love that you still have for him and its too easy for you to read things into a smile, a kind gesture etc. that may not really be there.

    If he was willing to work on the marriage then living under the same roof would still make sense, but since he has made the decision that 'its over', living under the same roof just doesnt make good sense, especially for you! But the same could be said for him. After all, how could he possibly have a change of heart if he isnt really suffering the consequences of his actions?

    Truly, truly I would hope and pray that your relationship would stay intact and prosper as husband and wife but when one of the two has decided 'its over' and is not willing to try and save the relationship, well he needs to get on with his decision then.

    You have been given much advice here about NOT leaving your home and I would 2nd that advice. He made the decision, he needs to make the move.

    Again, take what you will and throw out the rest. My prayers are with you for comfort, peace, wisdom and possible reconciliation in your marriage.

  9. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    I'm really sorry for your predicament. After so many good years it must be particularly difficult to see a well loved husband and father turn into someone else.

    The way your husband is behaving will be very toxic to you, it will make you feel so much worse so keep in mind that if you do split, you might just begin to feel a bit better. I'm not saying the fibro will go but stress really affects us badly.

    Actually I know this wont make you feel better, it's a terrible position for him to put you in. Just remember it is NOT your fault.


  10. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Dear Suzan,

    I feel so badly for you. I almost don't know what to say about this situation except to be strong and do what you is right in your heart, even if it turns out having to get a divorce. Did you ask him if that is what HE really wants. Thatis what it sounds like to me and also that perhaps he also just is making soem excuses (your illness) to leave. I think you said that you still entertains some . Who was that rheumy. that told you or your husband that it is all in yourhead and you needed to gosee a psychiatrist?? OMG, are you still going to her or him, I HOPE NOT !!

    Also, I hope things get better with your husband but I THINK YOU REALLY NEED TO HAVE A SERIOUS TALK WITH HIM TO SEE WHERE YOU REALLY STAND AND IF HE WANTS TO LEAVE OR WHAT ??? Then you will know whether to seek a divorce lawyer or not or just go and talk to one and get as much info as you need in case it comes to that.

    One of my daughters, I have 4, also has some kind of illness(syndrome, etc.) probably thyroid related, some yeast, maybe CFS related. She also has three childen one with leukemia, one with LD's and another 17 now living with the dad. The younger ones are with her.They were married 15 years) He never wanted to do anything for them or spend any money and EVERYTHING of course was HER FAULT. He also did some bing beer drinking as was mentally abusing her. One day after finding a job and finally getting his battered up old truck cause he finally broke down and bought a new car for himself, she left him . She has had lots of problems since then but is still alot happier than she was and hoping to find a better job SOON.

    I am so sorry for him not supporting you and you feeling so badly. At least my daughter can work. She will be so happy when the summer is over and the kids get back to school. This childcare is killing her. The youngest, now 5 with leukemia finally goes of to kindergarten. I think it is full day !! She doesn't even have any medical insurance for herself. The boys are on the xh insurance even though it is not that great but better than nothing.

    Just know you can be strong and do what you have to do, IF you have to. I have had my DD's for over 20 years and just got dxed. I got dxed and I still do alot of stuff even if I don't feel up to it but have also slowed down a whole lot, like you said, esp in the cleaning department. I also told husband that one of these days I will be getting someone to help out cleaning occasionally. I know it is expensive and I have been helping my daughter financially some so I haven't done that a yet(to help with some cleaning).

    Thank goodness for my singing in church choir and other groups, otherwise I wouldn't have my "therapy." MY DH trieds to be supportive but don't know what he would do if I was house or bedbound.

    Sorry for going on and on. I just feel so sorry for you but PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU CAN BE AND ARE ALOT STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE. If things get that bad see a lawyer (after talking to you husband) and at least get some advise and then go from there. Yes, do not let him run over you and take what is rightfully yours). Also, lean on your chidren if needed. I take it they know the story and said they would support you. My brain is playing tricks on me again (-: !! If so take them up on it IF you need to. That does not mean you have to leave your home if you don't want to, and esp if he is the one says he want a divorce or YOU to leave. My daughter found out how strong she could be after all of this.

    *****This can get so complicated. I cannot imagine having to deal with what you are having to and feeling so dadly. I does sound like there is big problem though if he is saying he cannot be your caretaking and he is NOT really caretaking.

    Just talk to him and get some advice from someone who knows what will be the best thing for YOU !!!!

    So sorry so long and GOD BLESS YOU SUZAN. BTW, my daughter's name is Susan also but spelled traditionally. Also please forgive some of my repetataive(sp) advice. I just start typing and my brain goes crazy with all kind of thoughts. Hope some of it makes sense.

    Big warm hugs and prayers go you way,

    Granni (Marilyn)

    [This Message was Edited on 08/10/2007]
  11. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member

    I am really blown away by how well you are coping with this! I stand in awe of the way you are riding out the rollercoaster of emotions and returning to the understanding that however this plays out, you will survive. There is so little self pity and so much compassion in what you write... you really do amaze me.

    You have gotten a lot of good advice and you certainly seem to be an intelligent and insightful woman. Is there any point, do you suppose, in getting counseling? Counseling can be used not only to resolve differences and save a marriage that can be saved but also to negotiate a good dissolution of a marriage if that is what must be.

    I really do admire your courage in this incredibly painful situation.

    You are a remarkable woman.

    peace out,

  12. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member


    With all that I wrote before, I forgot to mention as did Rafiki the possiblility of going to therapy first - IF you can get him to go. I hope so but you cannot always make them go.

    Perhaps also you could go yourself and get some advise anyway. BTW, my daughter Susan has and is been going to therapy and it has helped her alot in all that she is dealing with. She cannot always afford to go. So she goes as often as she can and she says it really has helped her. sort out her thoughts, etc.

    Bye for now.

    Continued blessings and hugs,

    Granni (Marilyn)

    [This Message was Edited on 08/10/2007]
  13. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Suzan, I wish I had a magic potion to give you, or even some words of advise. But I think you've pinpointed the problem very well and from the wisdom and maturity I read in your post, I think you'll handle it fine in the long run.

    I'm sorry, though, for the hurt this has caused you. One day I hope he will be too.

    Marta[This Message was Edited on 08/10/2007]
  14. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member


    It is always SO helpful to listen to those who whave been it your same situation as you -like s-Elaine. He story is one of sadness but alotof sstrength which I know you have. You hae done so good so far and have a great head on your shoulders and will be able to handle whatever comes along. That does not mean it will not hurt at all, that cannot be helped !!


  15. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    #1 See lawyer. You do not know what he might do to tie things up or borrow against property or something. He might be building a case. It is better to think the worse or prepare for it then be caught off guard.

    It does not mean that you have to make any decisions on moving or such. Just protect the finances for now.
    Maybe tell him that you both need consuling before you will even consider divorce or working with him. (Even if you do not think you will work with him). Tell him you need it for your peace of mind, to figure things out and be able to get trhough this, he owes you that much.

    Maybe out of all of this he will realize just how wrong he is. Maybe he is running because he is scared. Maybe he really thinks it is a mental condition and is afraid. We know it is not, but maybe he will learn differently. Regardless your heart and mind will be clearer.

    See a different Rheumy!!!!!!!!!

    If he knows a couple of the children are ready to help you, tell him that it is not fair to them. (OK, nothing wrong with it to a degree, but do not let him think so).

    Protect yourself! Do not fall back on who he was or what you thin he will do that is right. Looking back in time tells you differently many times.

    Find an outlet that makes you happy(ier). A hobby, anything that makes you want to do what ever you come up with, even though you are sick. Something to take your mind off of all of this, even if only short minutes at a time.

    KNOW that there is a whole bunch of us here sending our prayers, loves, hugs and healing lights.....that really cares.....

    God Bless you.....Always....All Ways.........Susan