My husband can't understand

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ckm, Jan 8, 2010.

  1. ckm

    ckm New Member

    He says I'm always sick or sicker. He cares more about whether I go to church or not than how I feel on any particular day. I said I was going to OD like a friend of mine did and he said he wasn't going to respond to that. He doesn't even care if I kill myself. I'm in so much pain all the time, I feel like just taking some anti anxiety meds that are too strong for me. I took 1/2 one time and slept for 15 hours. I could take 3 or 4 of them ...
    [This Message was Edited on 01/08/2010]
  2. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    It sounds like he is choosing not to understand.

    If he is this reprehensible/abusive, I would get into therapy to help cope with his behavior as he probably will not change. If you are thinking of leaving, the therapist can help with that issue. If you could get him to go to therapy, that would be even better.

    By threatening to OD, this just gives him ammunition to say this is all mental and you are just being hysterical. Not saying you are but he might perceive it as that. However, if you are feeling suicidal, please call 911 or your nearest helpline.

    I know others on the board have been in similar situations.

    Good luck.


    You edited your post and I now see you are in a more dire situation than what I originally thought. If you are thinking these thoughts either call 911 or go to the emergency room. It could be the best decision you have ever made. You need to take care of yourself.
    [This Message was Edited on 01/08/2010]
  3. puggles

    puggles New Member

    NO! You are NOT to take pills to deal with this situation. Your husband is an inconsiderate man and you deserve far better. Do you have family that you can move in with? Can you remove yourself from him? The stress he is creating for you is not healthy and you don't need it.
    Maybe get a religious person to speak with him since he seems to think it is far more important for you to go to church than your real well being. That's just not right. You should be first on his list and church not making the list.

    Please stay away from the pills. This will pass but messing around with medications will get you into more trouble than you can imagine.

    Stay in the loop here. We all understand and have been there many times. Hugs - s
  4. goodguess25

    goodguess25 New Member

    jamminhealth has a very good point you have to take care of youselve first. Gap is also right thearpy sounds like a good ideal. What choice you make concering your husband is your choice. I would also consult with your doctor about how bad you are feeling. There is medcine and supplments that might help you. Maybe you could bring your husband with you so the doctor can adresse any concerns your husband might have. If you are truly feeling sudical seek medical attention immeditaly. warm hugs sending your way
  5. ckm

    ckm New Member

    What is MSM? I already take 3 or 4 vicodin a day and multiple other prescriptions (blood pressure, anxiety/depression, stomach acid, allergies, and supplements. Some days it just seems not to be working and with the added stress of my DH ...
  6. ckm

    ckm New Member

    You don't know (or maybe you do) what this means to have you all respond to me like this. It means so much. He's passing a kidney stone today so of course it's all about him today.

    Thanks again,

    I'll try to resist taking the pills to get through this.
  7. ckm

    ckm New Member

    I'll check into the MSM. Thanks so much.
  8. ckm

    ckm New Member

    I realized last night laying in bed thinking that I DO take MSM, not sure how much though. I take a supplement (Glucosamine, Condroitin, MSM Complex). Is this the same MSM you're talking about? Maybe I should look for some MSM by itself. Just thought I'd let you know.
    Thanks again for helping get me through my rough patch last night!
  9. ckm

    ckm New Member

    We've been married almost 16 years, adopted a baby when she was 9 days old and she's 15 now. I've had fibro for about 7 years now. Got it when he was out of work for a couple years, then I had a bad fall and had herniated discs, then parents (who I was very close to) died within 3 years of each other. One thing after another and voila FM. Anyway we're going to counseling and trying to work things out, it just really bothers me that he has no reaction when I threaten to OD. Sometimes I really want to do it but then I don't because of my daughter. Anyway I'm still here so ...

    Thanks for caring
  10. butterflydream

    butterflydream New Member

    i'm hoping for. Good you all are seeking counseling. This may be the time to get all out into the open so you all may move forward. Having thoughts of OD must be devasting to all.
    Your 15 year old may need a seperate counselor just to be able to vent her thoughts of how she feels of all . teens and younger ones can pick up so much on what is happening with their parents relationship and need to also speak out.

    I pray and wish your OD thoughts disappear and you all can move forward in life .
    Having a strong healthy family relationship is so important for all.

    Live Life Well
  11. nah.stacey

    nah.stacey Member


    My husband was exactly like yours for many years. We moved from Color. Springs in '96 and still sorry we left.

    I started getting sicker and sicker when we first moved to the other side of the Rockies. He and my kids started calling it my "Sunday sickness" because I always seem to have the flu on Sunday. Soon realized that it was because I was trashed at the end of the week and cleaning house on Sat. and spending time getting ready for Sunday wiped me out so I was experiencing the "Post exertion Malaise" that accompanies this DD. After that I just kept getting worse and worse. I have five children, married 27 years and it has taken him the last 10 years of our marriage to accept that I am not getting any better and that it is a REAL thing.

    He too was angry with me about not going to church telling me "he was a lone man in the wilderness" because he had to go to church alone every week especially now that our children are all grown. He would print out articles off the church's website about "Living with an inactive spouse" etc. I asked my husband what made him finally believe, FINALLY realize that it wasn't MY doing. He could only tell me that going ON and OFF different medications and realizing they had no help to offer me and watching me suffer through some of the worst pain he has experienced helped a bit. I think alot of prayer went into his acceptance and that all the badgering in the world wasn't going to make me better. I also kept reminding him that who I am today is NOT who I am and NOT who he married so if he will just be patient, and endure to the end with me, he would get me back.

    Try going to a doctor in C.S with another ailment. NOT depression or anxiety they will only make it worse. Go in with back pain or something else, DO NOT say the FM word, they will only turn on you. If you need to go to a physch Dr. to help you through this, don't let them put you on anything heavy, it will only mess you up. Ask them for Savella, don't start with Cymbalta its too hard too fast.

    I too have responded to my hubby by expressing the will to be done with this life, I told my husband about your hubbys response because it is exactly what he said to me about five years ago almost to the letter. He said, "What AM I supposed to say to that?" It's not that he doesn't care it's that he probably is as frustrated as you are. Ask him to be patient, beg him to hear your pain.

    Below I attached a poem that I wrote when I was about where you are now. Only with an additional pain added: My youngest son with CP had just died at age 14. Remember that there is more to our existence than just this life.

    Endure with Faith,


    How much sorrow can the human heart hold?
    How much can it break before it's veins will run cold?

    How many tears can fall upon ground?
    How many can fall but still not make a sound?

    Who will hear when a might heart rips?
    Who will hear when the last tear drips?

    Who will listen before before someone stops calling?
    Who will listen before the tears stop falling?

    Where is my Savior who said he would pay?
    Where is my Savior on my dying day?

    It may not be my body that dies, it reminds me with pain it is not.
    It's just my soul that is tattered and beat, my soul that perhaps was forgot.

    Forgot that He promised He'd always be there, that He'd suffer each sorrow and sin
    I was sure He was perfect, would never forget, was sure I would see Him again.

    But my body and heart are battered and broke, strewn along life's road
    I've finally succumbed, my faith paper thin as I stumble under the load.

    Dear Father, Dear Savior, I try one more time, to plead my case alone,
    Please rescue me from the life this mine, PLEASE HEAL ME OR BRING ME HOME.

    I wrote this when I was in a place like you are now, I was so deathly ill and had held my 14 year old son in my arms as he died from complications of CP and I was no better off. I was wishing I could have gone with him, the pain and sickness was more than I could bare and not a Dr. who would listen.

    Know you are not alone. He is there, you are just too sick to feel him.
    Know that we are here and many of us wish often for the same thing, but remember too that it is the loved ones you leave behind that will hurt more than you do now because they will feel they failed you.

    Please hang on with anything you have left, the cure may not come soon enough for alot of us but the reward will be better for having fought a good fight.
    Much faith and prayer for you,
  12. ckm

    ckm New Member

    Thank you so so so so much for your reply to my post. I get tears from reading your poem and your past posts and that you seem to be so much like me. And I'm sure many others too.

    The thing about the church and my hubby thing is that back in October I got sick with C-DIFF for two months and of course didn't go to church (my dr. said I couldn't even go to work because I was so contagious) then and ever since then, he says that before then I didn't go to church and I DID. He said "we could look it up on the checking account" to prove that I didn't go. So the next morning I did and proved that I DID go except for about 1 Sunday a month. Now I feel like I HAVE to go to church whether I feel bad or not!!

    Anyway my daughter doesn't know about the possible OD thing, she does know about our marriage trouble because of my health issues but she also knows we're going to counseling to work things out. She says she doesn't think her Dad cares about her either. Maybe that's just because of me, I don't know...

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and your struggles with this DD but please keep talking to me here.
    Thanks & Hugs,
  13. shaz73

    shaz73 New Member

    for our nearest and dearest to understand how it is for us when we dont really understand it ourselves most of the time! My partner is very understanding...and yet he doesnt always get it either. Just yesterday he said to me "but we all get tired". Now that is true, but when you feel tired for no particular reason, thats just not normal is it? Having said that, I would not change him for the world. I pray for change in my CFS.

  14. Debra49659

    Debra49659 New Member

    Good for you for hanging in there. I feel so guilty...not a good mom....not a good wife...not a good daughter and on and on and on. I go to therapy as well and I mention the "want" not to deal with the pain and everything else. She is helping to me understand this is who I am, this is want I'm going to be. Sometimes maybe better and sometimes maybe worse.

    I am trying to understand that my children want me around in any shape of form that they can get me:) I'm sure your daughter feels the same way mine do.

    I am not saying that personal wants that my family have doesn't cause some resentment. But I do know that that resentment is towards this DD not me personally.

    I don't say all of this because of your husband....because it seems he has other issues, but because I want to remind you how important you are to your daughter.

    I hope that therapy helps both you and your husband, but if he doesn't continue to go please consider going for yourself.

    This is all so hard to deal with and we need all the help we can get!

  15. nah.stacey

    nah.stacey Member


    try and remember that this DD changes us ie our thoughts, our personality, our optimism..... everything. Try not to beat yourself up for not being who you used to be, or who your hubby married years ago. I don't know about you, but I have no idea who this person is who looks back in the mirror at me. I have changed so much that it's almost impossible to find a glimmer of me in my eyes.

    It's a hard thing to explain to ourselves let alone our spouse. It's absolutely true when they spout out "you aren't the woman I married" or when they say "I miss the old you". Just tell them "I miss me too". Maybe those words will help him understand that you know full well you aren't the same and that you are doing the best you can.

    Remember the old commercial, I'm not even sure what it was advertising anymore. It shows a little boy standing over a glass of spilled milk and his mom turns and scolds him. He gets the most heart broken look on his face and with tears beginning to stream down his face, says "I'm doing the best I can". This is how we feel everyday. Try and help your husband use a little of his Christian faith and find the compassion he would give to any other stranger if he saw him sick and in need. "Going to church" for some. is just a way to let the neighbors know you are an "active" Christian. Ask your hubby what his motivation is for your attendance at church. If he is truly worried about your soul, then perhaps you could increase your scripture study, or remind him of the prayer shawls you make for others, there are others ways to show your love and devotion to the Lord, HE of all beings would understand an illness that keeps you from attending church. I have struggled with this for over two years now that I am housebound, but I have also taken it to the Lord and it is between HE and I now. Ask your husband where his compassion is, or is that only reserved for Sunday and other people?

    May God truly bless you and your situation,
  16. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I hate to say that your husband is acting like a jerk.

    Please take care of yourself -- if you don't take care of yourself, nobody will. Just don't pay any attention to him and what he says.

    Have you discussed with your doctor how badly you feel. If not, maybe you should make an appointment and talk with him/her and be specific on how badly you feel. Maybe the doc can adjust your meds or give you something to help.

    I've been married 40 years and it's only been a couple years since my husband admitted he is aware of how badly I feel and has finally started to help me do a few simple tasks around the house.

    I hope things improve for you, dear.
  17. ckm

    ckm New Member

    My dr. said I was due to have some blood work done last time I saw him so I had it done the other day - waiting for the results. I'm starting to wonder either if my Cymbalta that I've been on for several years isn't working anymore, OR by the fact that I'm hypothyroid, maybe my thyroid med is off again making me more depressed. I will make a dr. appt. as soon as my results come back, even if they are normal. Cause I know I'm NOT normal.

    My husband and I are continuing to go to counseling so hopefully that will help.

    Thanks again