my husband has always been understanding, until . . . . . . . . .

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by eeyoreblue02, May 2, 2006.

  1. eeyoreblue02

    eeyoreblue02 Member

    two days ago. He had caught a virus at work (he works in a nursing home and the virus ran rampant through the residents weakening two of them who ultimately passed away.)

    I know he was feeling awful with the diarrhea, chills, etc. He does not handle sickness very well and usually lashes out at me. I ignore him because I know he doesn't mean all the things he says.

    This time though he attacked me in the area of my illnesses. He said things like, "You think you can't even scoop the cat litter because you have a little bit of pain." Then he told me he knows lots and lots of people who hurt every day, but they still go to work and work hard and never complain. He then went on to tell me I treat him like a slave because he works a full-time job, comes home and works at home and also has to do upkeep on our two rental houses. The slave comment hurts because he is black and I am white, so I felt that he meant it to hit hard.

    I was so stunned I told him to leave. He left, rode around for about an hour and came home. We didn't even speak for awhile.

    Yesterday he apologized, but I am still hurting. He has never treated me like this before. I am wondering if he has held his true feelings in for years and suddenly let them out. Now I don't know what to expect from him in the future. I know he loves me and I think he is truly sorry that he said the things he said. We've been together for 12 years and I got sick shortly after we married.

    Thanks for listening. I know you guys will understand when no one else does.

  2. eeyoreblue02

    eeyoreblue02 Member

    I was hoping others would see it that way. I wasn't ready to throw him away, just concerned about this happening again.

    He is really is a super guy. He's been through a lot with me and also situations with his family. He's a big ole teddy bear when it comes to me and our son though.

    Thanks again,

  3. suzette1954

    suzette1954 New Member

    We could take back. I have the most wonderful husband but even he says things at times that hurt me. Your husband is not feeling well and with the loss of 2 of his patients, it may just be too much for him right now.

    Try to forgive him. He loves you or he wouldnt have come back after driving around. Maybe he is afraid of losing you to this DD.

  4. lease79

    lease79 New Member

    I am sorry that he said those things to you :(
    My hubby is generally wonderful & very understanding of my condition. We have been together 10 years.
    But occasionally, on the very rare occasion he will come out with something that will cut me to the quick :(
    He will instantly take it back, but just saying it breaks my heart. So I know where you're coming from.
    Have you sat down with him & had a talk about what he said & how deeply it effects you?

    ~*Gentle Hugs*~

  5. eeyoreblue02

    eeyoreblue02 Member

    it's so nice to have others who do understand. I cried reading your posts because I started thinking about all the good and wonderful things he has done.

    Lisa, you're right. Just saying it hurts and words can never be taken back. I have not sat down with him yet to tell him how I feel. I'm waiting on the right time. Things are really hectic around here right now. Getting ready to have open house Sunday. Hoping to sell our house. Trying to downsize. I cannot handle taking care of this large house.

    Gigi, I have said things to him before that I regretted also. I guess it goes both ways.

    Suzette, I had not even thought about the fact that he had also lost two patients during this and he may be hurting over that. I was being selfish and thinking only of me. When he loses a patient, especially one of his favorites, it hurts him so bad. He goes to funerals, gives instructions to be called in the middle of the night if someone gets worse and even spends his off days just vsiting. He also takes his husky up there as many of the patients just love to spend time with the dog. They can touch him and hug him and he is so gentle and would NEVER jump on them or do anything to hurt someone. I think you probably hit the nail right on the head.


  6. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    I agree.

    He sounds like a keeper. But I can understand why you would feel wounded.
  7. Geechie

    Geechie New Member

    He sounds like one of the good guys and they are hard to find.
    As far as the "treat me like a slave" remark, my hubby said that to me once! And it was over the litter boxes. (we are both white) I doubt if your hubby meant to say that and probably he instantly regretted it. He probably didn't mean any more by it than mine did. there is just nothing so much fun as litter boxes! lol

  8. Momeroo

    Momeroo New Member

    If I were you and I'm not, anyways I wouldn"t expect much more from him. As you age Illness tends to get worse for most, I know I've gotten worse.
    I don't expect much from anyone-anymore because they just plain don't get it, they really don't understand chronic pain at all unless they have it.
    I just do the very best everyday and mainly rely on myself to take care of this darn disease.
    It also helps to do loads of research and find a good doctor to treat us, I think I found one, a relief after all the jerk-off I've had to put up with in the past.
    My husband could be much more supportive but he just doesn't get it. Hope this is helpful, not trying to be negative. Love, Momeroo - in pain
  9. Strawberry94

    Strawberry94 New Member

    I say keep him. I have forgiven stuff like this from my husband and very glad that I did.
  10. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    My usually great DH gets like this from time to time, usually when he is not too well. I usually forgive it, as he is so great the rest of the time.

    This sounds like a similar situation, but it DOES hurt, I know.'Hugs and love Anne C
  11. Bunchy

    Bunchy Member

    he will often say very hurtful things but I know he does it just to get a reaction sometimes or maybe he is - like most men - just acting like a spoilt brat...LOL

    I know it hurts and you don't forget things easily especially as us CFS/Fibro folk tend to be more sensitive but I think if his good side outweighs the few times he feels under pressure and lashes out (like mine does) I say keep him and let it slide.

    Take care,

    Love Bunchy xx
  12. Aoibheil

    Aoibheil New Member

    Never let the good ones get away! They're worth it a thousand times over.

    I don't know what I would have done all this time without mine. :)

  13. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    I am always trying to get my husband to vent and complain and let me know how my illness has impacted him. He never complains and it sometimes worries me because I think that he might lose it someday just like your man did and say hurtful things out of anger or stress.

    I would probably be hurt, but I would forgive him. I have been ill for almost 10 years and have been cranky with him many times and he never holds it against me.

    Marriage is about the good times and the hard times. Don't let your hurt feelings punish him and spoil your marriage. Be honest with him and tell him that your feelings were hurt, but be willing to put it behind you if he is a good man. After all, he wasn't feeling know what that feels like.

    Good luck,

  14. eeyoreblue02

    eeyoreblue02 Member

    I am going to get hubby to read these posts. Maybe he can gain a little insight.

    I'm going to keep him! Never really could get rid of him if I tried!

  15. jenni4736

    jenni4736 New Member

    I am not one for letting things "Slide". Most people really don't let things go. I think it IS definatly something you must address when the time is right. Holding things in will most likely worsen you health.

    He was sick, you don't feel well. You are both under tremendous stress and we do all say STUPID things when we are tired, sick, and hurting. When you add selling a house to it...GOOOODDD GRIEF!

    There will be a right time soon to discuss this all. He sounds like a good man. Spend a weekend together, no phones, maybe go out of town if you can. You just need to find your way back together. Sometimes we all need a reminder of the true "important" things in life.

    Forgiveness is important when people are truely sorry. Life can dish out some hard knocks. remember to take them together instead of "at each other".