My husband has FMS/CFS and he said that he is leaving

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by monettareyes, Jan 23, 2003.

  1. monettareyes

    monettareyes New Member

    I am trying to be the best wife that I can be and it is hard to let him go. He is so angry. He is angry all the time . He gets angry at things I dont even understand. It is like living with a person witha terminal illnes with no light at the end of the tunnel. He will not go back to the doctor. We "I" found a Dr that specializes inFMS and he was better 2 days after the visit. He was palced on antideppresants Lexpro and I think they are either not working or either they are making him more depressed. I am trying to keep the focus on myself and Christ. I cant control this or him. It is so hard to see the one you love dissapear. He has a different personality. He is my husband and I love him but if he wants to go I am not being ugly or holding him here. He want to get an apartment. He gives so many reasons and none of them really make since. I know hes not having an affair...he didnt even get out of bed Monday. Boy I feel better now. Thanks for listening. Please pray for me that I will be a loving, not controling, compasionate, giving wife. Pray that the Lord helps me with the intentions of my heart. I need courage...This is the second marriage... My first husband left'...he was alcoholic. Struggling with codepenency and FMS/CF is very similar to the struggle with alcoholism. I hope that I learned the lessons that I was to learn with the failure of my first marriage. God is God and I am not. Arn't we glad!!!
  2. Fairyeyes

    Fairyeyes New Member

    the past is gone, all you can do is the best you can with TODAY. I am sorry you are hurting.
  3. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    If you were to give him this space he says he needs, he may realize soon that it was a mistake and come home a better and more hopeful man. I know the heavy load that chronic illness is and I know that it would be even harder for a man who feels he should be more able to be the "head of the family". He may feel unworthy and unable to fulfill his duties, but if you tell him that you love him, but disagree that this is the solution and let him go without a struggle, he may realize his error quickly. He needs Christian counseling, but he has to accept this for it to be beneficial. I am so sorry for both of you. I've been on both sides of this story and I know how heart-wrenching it is. Go to our worship board, too, and ask for all to remember you and your husband in prayer.
    Love,
    kady
    [This Message was Edited on 01/23/2003]
  4. HURTSALOT2

    HURTSALOT2 New Member

    Call the doctor and have him change his Rx. I know of someone who experienced the same as your husband. Once his Rx was changed he was no longer angry. I wish you the best of luck.
    HURTSALOT2
    [This Message was Edited on 01/23/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 01/23/2003]
  5. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    To the board Monetta, so sorry to hear about your husband.

    Will surely be praying for both of you.

    You know, these two illnesses are so devastating that when we first realize what we have, it makes some of us want to do crazy things. Like your husband wanting to leave you.

    I would recommend that first you find out if the new meds are causing his personality change, if not, then I would educate myself as much as possible on FM/CFS, and how to be a caregiver, but not a codependent!

    We do have a lot of men on this board, and I know they could advise you better than the ladies can, since its got to be hard for a man to have to live with these disabling illnesses, and to be dependent on their wives.

    I have problems myself, as I was one of those woman that was in control of everything, and rarely asked for anyones help. That was a hard pill to swollow when I even need someone to mop my floors and push the cart in a grocery store for me now. I can well imagine how men feel.

    You take care, let us know how things are going, and we will be in prayer for both of you.

    This man needs you more now than he ever did before!

    Shalom, Shirl

  6. jlouise

    jlouise New Member

    My marriage broke up after my diagnosis, but for other reasons as well; he was having an affair with my friend. I believe your husband's anger is coming out in ways that are harmful to both of you, which maybe counseling will help. Pastoral counseling might help as well. I understand his anger, he probably feels he's not the man he was, and he doesn't know how to make things o.k. You could tell him you are willing to support him if he will get help with managing his feelings. Perhaps you could both attend a FM/CFS meeting together. There is light at the end of the tunnel, if you work together to manage this illness. He needs to realize that he is not his illness.
  7. joannie1

    joannie1 New Member

    First i would like to say it is so great that you are so supportive of your Hubby. And I am sorry that you have to be going through this with him right now. I think dealing with this DD is a difficult thing. Probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do to be honest. I have to agree about seeing about the medication causing side effects. Antidepresants can cause many side effects. Another thing is everyone deals with this diagnosis differently. I hope and pray that instead of him just dealing with it he isn't just taking out his anger on you.
    I give you much credit for your support to your Hubby. A lot of us do not get this.
    I will pray for you and your marriage. Take care and know I feel so badly for you.
    Sending you a much needed hug.
    Joannie
  8. achy

    achy New Member

    Many other have been thru this too. I am impressed of your strength,courage and spirtuality.
    I can relate to the ANger. I am the one sick here and I am very ANGRY. But you seem to realize his anger is nor directed towards you...it's the situation.
    I know it is hard for us women to deal wiht this DD...can you imagine how hard it mucst be for a MAN to? They arre supposed to be strong, the breadwinner, taking care of the family...this is what MEN are taught throughout their life.
    I know it is hard but maybe some counciling? If I allow my husband to break thru my anger and get me talking I feel so much better. Sometimes just talking, like we do here is the best medicine.
    Speaking of MEds..these can cause personality changes..I've been there to...but I didn't realize it...my family did. For me it was Zoloft that did it. Too much seratonin and not enough dopaine can make depression worse, which can make the anger worse.
    I am by no means an expert...this is just my opinion, from experiences I have been thru. Why don't YOU call the doc..or even go see him yourself and explain what is going on...if he changes the meds, go get it filled and throw the other away. ANYTHING is worth a try when it comes to your marrage. You seem to be a religious person...remember the vows you made before God on your wedding day.
    Our strong belief in theose vows have kept us together for 23 years...and still very much in love.
    I will send a prayer for you both...keep the faith.
    Warm fuzzies
    Achy
  9. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    This is such a tough thing to go through-----seems your husband is going through what we all do to varying degrees when we get this diagnosis-----or any diagnosis of a chronic illness, doesn't have to be FM. There is a definite grieving process, a lot of anger & depression, before you ever get to the acceptance level. I found a therapist who specialized in chronic illness who helped me enormously through those first few months. Once I stopped fighting the diagnosis, things improved greatly; still had the symptoms, of course, but I dealt with them much better.

    I have never taken Lexapro, it's pretty new, but I have a sister-in-law who switched to Lexapro from an older anti-depressant------she was miserable on it!! After two nightmarish weeks, her doctor switched her back. So do look into the distinct possibility that Lexapro could be doing more harm than good, it isn't for everyone.

    See if your husband will read this message board; he may find he feels less isolated here, and might find some hopeful stories & information here.

    You are a caring, compassionate partner, and I hope things improve for both of you!

    Hugs,
    Pam
  10. Jillian40

    Jillian40 New Member

    Monetta -

    You are a child of The King. Seek His face instead of the Road Blocks in your way. DO not minimize your struggle, and reach out for phone prayer or any other help you may need from others.

    There is not much to add from all of the wise posts above.

    I only have one more question? Though this is not intended to make you worry, please address it if it is present. Has your husband talked much about "ending things", "leaving this world", "wanting to kill himself" or other such statements? If yes, then try to probe and see if he has taken any steps such as buying a gun, or anything you can get him to confess in talking with him. Anger, self-loathing and depression are one thing, but with guys, if they admit to making plans to "end it", take seriously and go to a counselor, crisis line, even police. They will help get him into hospital for intervention.

    Sorry to have to bring this up, but just want to be sure that his depression hasn't gotten this deep or desperate.

    Otherwise, get support for yourself, friends, prayer, counseling, anything that you feel that you need.

    Thank You Lord for discernment and wisdom, thank you for this loving caring sole of a woman, Monetta, who is dependent on you for her every breath. Lead her beside still waters, quiet her mind, and cause her to seek your word and counsel. Bring a mentor beside her right now, to sustain her in times of doubt or worry. Be her strength.

    We Praise You, AMEN ........ Jillian
  11. fifty1ford

    fifty1ford New Member

    Greetings,

    I was diagnosed with FMS and CIFDS about two years ago after going through about a year of testing, and believe I contracted this stuff after a very intense viral infection. Anyway I can relate to what everyone is saying about what Society has taught us Men, our roles as bread winners, protectors, and such which is just added pyschological pressure.

    My wife works, but my salary makes up 75% of our household income and my not working is simply not an option, no matter how I feel. There have been times in the recent past when I have thought that I just wanted to stop the pain and "bag-it", and my family would be fine with my life insurance policies. I am past that stage of the illness and have accepted the fact that my life as I new it, has forever changed.

    I understand your husband's desire to be alone, because that's how you feel with these ailments, ALONE. I am planning a trip to Sedona, AZ this spring by myself because I feel the need to be alone and to be someplace where I can just kick-back and do nothing for a couple of weeks.

    Stereotypes aside, society continues to place different burdens on men than on women making having these ailments all the more difficult to cope with mentally. The pressures can easily make one consider "swallowing a bullet" which I have, and I even own a handgun, so I just stayed away from it and kept it locked up.

    Give your husband some space and hope and pray for the best.

    I wish you and your husband find happiness.

    Peace,
    fifty1ford
  12. Pana

    Pana New Member

    I can imagine how you feel. You don't say how long your husband has had FMS/CFS. Living with a spouse or any family member is hard, you feel helpless. I would direct him to this website to get his added support from individuals that have the same illness. There is a website, although I don't know it exactly that is for men with FMS/CFS, maybe if you do a internet search you'll find it. Take care.