my husband is really frustrating me!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by fullarmor, Aug 26, 2003.

  1. fullarmor

    fullarmor New Member

    Don't get me wrong, my husband is wonderful. He's great about not complaining if the house is messy or we're having frozen dinners again for the 3rd time this week. And he does believe in FM and knows that I suffer, but he does the most annoying thing: whenever my pain is really very bad and I complain about it...he comes back with "yeah, my legs are really bothering me too. Must be the change in weather." !! He's even said, "i'm achey too, maybe i have FM." What?? When he does that it angers me so much, because it's like he's minimizing the major pain i'm in, and that it's something simple like a cold or something. I've tried not to complain on a daily basis about my pains, but when i do it's like he doesn't understand at all! I usually let it go, but it's getting to me more and more. My pains are getting worse and i've mentioned to him that i'd like to get a handicapped hang tag, for days when the pain is bad, and he said "you're not handicapped." Now, my husband has been thru a lot with his own body, having gone through Peg Intron treatment for a year for hepatitis, and those treatments were horrendous! But he's better now, and I'd think he'd be a little more understanding. Does anyone have any ideas on how i can gently educate him? Thanks to all! I just love this board!
  2. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    This is a problem, my son started that, and I do not complain to him about the FM, but it was one of those days that I had to say something.

    He does my yard and garden, so he wanted to come one day to do this work, and I was in a horrific flare. So I told him that I was not able to give him directions on what I wanted done, as I was in terrible pain, sick, and was not in the mood for being outdoors and thinking where I wanted what.

    He proceeded to start telling me about the pains in his back from working. I interrupted him in mid stream, in fact I told him to 'shut up' and not politely :) that I was not 'talking' about a few strained muscles from overwork that an aspirin would cure.

    I said we will do this another time. I bought him the book; 'From Fatique to Fantastic' by Teitelbaum MD, and gave him one of the flyers from Immunesupport.

    I said never again tell me that you have pain when I am telling you I can't do something! My son is a grown man, not a child and does not live with me. That was the end of him telling me about his 'pains'.

    I solved my husbands problem by reading him; 'The Fibromyalgia Advocate' by Devin Starlanyl, a few chapters every morning with his breakfast (he would not have read this himself), after I was about half way through the book, he was cooking me breakfast! Now he drives me nuts asking me 'how do you feel? are you alright?'.

    He is now my greatest supporter, does everything he can to make life easier for me, he's not perfect by a longshot but now he understands as much as anyone can that does not suffer from this illness.

    Give it a try, and might make a difference with your husband too.

    Shalom, Shirl



  3. jadibeler

    jadibeler New Member

    Furious is the word. I get the same "My back hurt, too" - or whatever. Whenever I complain, which isn't often, honestly, I get back something that's bothering him. And he complains about every little thing, constantly. He's the biggest baby!

    But what really infuriates me is that he still expects me to wait on him hand and foot. Just tonight, he woke me up from a nap because he wanted his dinner (which was already made, in the fridge - all he had to do was put it in a bowl and heat it in the mic). This is standard procedure for him. He has completely forgotten how to make a sandwich or open a can of soup. He calls me constantly to do things that he could do if he cared to get out of his lounge chair or up from his computer chair. He yells for me to come all the way to the end of the trailer so he can tell me something, have me read something I'm not interested in on his computer, or look at something cute the dogs are doing. I spend a lot of resting time in my own lounge chair in my room but it's very old, one of the originals, and it's very difficult for me to get out of - he has a lift chair!! (my mother's, I should have kept it for myself!)

    He's not uneducated about FM - and he's learning more now as I tell him what I've learned here and forward him articles I've researched. But he just doesn't get it! And since I've started flat out saying "No!", he gets mad! I think I know why I'm his 3rd wife. . .

    JoAnn
  4. bubblegum

    bubblegum New Member

    Have any of your men said this.....
    I tell Joe I have cramps (and he knows its that time of the month) and he says "I have cramps too". LOL No matter what I say he is always worse. If he only knew!!!
  5. scottabir

    scottabir New Member

    I went through all that with my husband. For me though I realized I was so "caught up" in my pain and agony that I forgot that he as a human still has bad days as well. His pain may not be as bad as mine but it may seem like it to him seeing he doesn't have pain regularly. Once I realized this I made it a point that when I can tell he may be in more pain or just more bothered than usual I would ask him how he is feeling. I do this so he knows I still care about him and his aches and pains and in return I feel he tries to be more understanding to mine.

    Abi
  6. bodyneedswk

    bodyneedswk New Member

    There is a book I read a few years back and it has helped me, especially during times when my husband has to one up me with his pain, his job, his life, etc. When I feed into his "stuff" I can feel my life energy becoming drained! We know how precious any energy we may have is, so you might try this. It helps me when I remember ;o)
    The name of the book is the "Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfeld.
  7. baybe

    baybe New Member

    Which is exactly what they are saying, we are in a culture where people are discouraged from offering advice or sympathy. The latest self help thing is to share your pain with the person, well this is how it comes off to people, like us that hurt all the time. Modern times has so many "politically correct" rules it's hard to show someone support without breaking some rule. It drives me crazy but I recognize what he's trying to do and I am thankful for him, but it does get old and the whole world seems to do it, ahhhemmm including me. I hate when I do that, thanks for being here I need you all.
  8. Dara

    Dara New Member

    I do believe they are all so much alike. Mine does the same to me. No matter what it is, he adds his two cents worth in to let me know how tired he is and how bad his back hurts. Now, I know that he really does get tired, he's 58 and works approximately 65-70 hours a week and he's had a broken back. So, I do understand how he feels, but the problem is that I really don't think he understands how bad I feel either. I made the mistake when we were first married of waiting on him, even though I also held down a full time job, and he still expects to be waited on. However, I have noticed in the last several months he's really getting much better about this. He even clears the dishes off the table after dinner. This was a total shock the first time he did it, so maybe he understands more than I give him credit for.

    I think a lot of men have a problem with accepting that their spouse is sick. It leaves them feeling helpless and they don't know what to do for you. It's easier to just stick their head in the sand and pretend it's not happening.

    Dara
  9. wle

    wle New Member

    .......they are all alike. Would not trade my husband for the world. At least not on most days. LOL! But they tend to be be babies at times and no matter how bad we feel they still want to be "mothered". Most times I deal with this just fine but had an incident over the weekend that I must admit, now I am ashamed. Hubby fell off a ladder - off the back deck! and twisted his foot. Really didn't realize he had hurt himself as bad as he did until he came inside for the evening and took off his work boot - then the swelling began. Well we made a midnight trip to the Er 30 some miles away. I know he was in pain but I did not give him the moral support I should have at that time - I was tired -and instead of thinking about him I was thinking about myself. (How tired I was, how tired I was gonna be, etc!)Have some making up to do on this one............WLE
  10. wle

    wle New Member

    ........your addressed your post to NayKurkin but it sure could have been addressed to me. What an eye opener! Thanks for bringing me back to earth a little bit (and kinda telling me how it is). Sometimes I need that! WLE
  11. jkd7058

    jkd7058 New Member

    When he asked me what symptoms I was experiencing -- he laughed and said "Well I guess I have FM too HAHAHAHAH - I'm tired, depressed, etc." But this is a man who works 40+ hours a week, is remodeling his home, and is extemely active in the Boy Scouts (camping almost every week-end, meetings and committees) I just couldn't even respond - I was so hurt. I wish I could do a quarter of what he does. I don't discuss it with him any longer. My sister-in-law is wonderful though.

    My "domestic partner" is beginning to see just how debilitating this syndrom is but still does that "guy thing" (I know - not politically correct) of responding with "Yeah, my back hurts too."

    Just last night I was doing my "old lady shuffle" - Oh does your foot hurt? -- I went a little off on him and said "MY FEET ALWAYS HURT, MY LEGS ALWAYS HURT, MY NECK ALWAYS HURTS-- WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET THAT IN YOUR HEAD!" Later I apologized and said thank you for him even acknowledging I was is pain. He's getting there, I just have to try to be a better teacher.[This Message was Edited on 08/27/2003]
  12. atrinigyal29

    atrinigyal29 New Member

    You've gotten some great advice here. I would also just like to add that it's difficult for people who are healthy to understand what we go through. Plus, it's difficult for them to see someone that they love and care about going through such a debilitating disease.

    You mentioned that when you told him that you would like a handicapped tag, he replied that you are not handicapped. It seems like he is somewhat in denial about how much pain and suffering you are experiencing. I think it would be best if the two of you sat down and had a heartfelt talk about how much pain you are in, both physically and emotionally (with regards to his nonchalant remarks about his aches and pains).

    It would also be a great idea if he becomes more knowledgeable about FM by reading about it. Some great books have been suggested here and also maybe if he reads some of the posts on this message board he can see how many people do suffer with FM and how difficult it is for them to live "normal" lives. It would be great if the two of you can discuss it too. Seeing what we go through in print may help him to better understand what you go through. Well, I hope this is helpful. Take care.
    Alicia
  13. Ahorsesoul

    Ahorsesoul New Member

    I asked a doctor about this too. He made a good point. He said there are too many people missing a limbs or who are forced to use wheelchairs who really could use the space. I can't say I was happy about his refusal. Now every time I listen to the news about the war going on, I think about our young service people in foreign countries who may get injured and need this space more than I do. Now I just drive around till I find a semi closer parking space. I also have learned to tell people to drop me off at the door if I am not driving. I also ask for help (especially with groceries). I can't push a loaded cart to my car and unload them. Stores will get you some help, but you have to ask now a days. It is hard to begin asking for help, sometimes embarrassing, after all we look very able to do it ourselves. You have to realize you will probably never see these people again. And if you do see them again, they will remember that you need help and offer it before you ask. It is not that we are not handicapped but these spaces were designed to allow a handicapped van be able to put a lift down and still have room to get a wheelchair out of the van.
  14. Ahorsesoul

    Ahorsesoul New Member

    Next time answer with these words "You are so right about that. I am so glad you understand how bad I feel. So I know you will make it as comfortable for me as possible. Now could you help do 'something' for me." I do not think your husband is being so understanding as much as underhanded. Just practice this phase "Your are so right about that" in your mind for the next time someone undermines your pain (or anything else) or tries to start an arguement. This phase can mean "you are right" or "go to @#$#".
    I read it in the paper about using it for a MIL who was always complaining about her DIL's messy house. "You keep such a messy house" "Yep, you're right about that, it is just terrible" what more could be said and you'll be laughing so loud in your mind (hopefully not out loud).
    [This Message was Edited on 08/27/2003]
  15. fullarmor

    fullarmor New Member

    I thank you all for the great advice! And grittyeyes, I thank you for putting it into better perspective for me. It's true, it's so easy to think that if he doesn't have fibro he doesn't have anything to complain about. I think I'll start acknowledging his pain more and get some info together for him about fibro. I appreciate your help so much! This board has been such a blessing! Thanks again!
    Nay
  16. Pindooca

    Pindooca New Member

    I really need to try some of this on my husband.