My husband thinks I am CRAZY

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by LeightonLAM, Apr 4, 2007.

  1. LeightonLAM

    LeightonLAM New Member

    I can't believe it. The one person who I could always count on to be there for me is the one who is questioning me now.

    Today my 2 year old son tried to climb the bookcase in his bedroom. It fell down (he was supposed to be napping) and he got hir arm wedged between the bookcase and the mattress that it landed on. The mattress was probably what kept him from getting seriously hurt. But I didnt hear the bookcase fall because the mattress muffled the sound. My 2 year old came running out crying and holding his arm.

    I took one look at it and called my husband at work. He came right home and we went to the ER. By the time the doctor came in to see him, his arm looked a lot better, but still really swollen and lots of bruising and redness.

    They decided it wasnt broken and sent us home. So my husband dropped us off and went back to work.

    Then he just got home for the day a few minutes ago. He had a very serious expression on his face when he walked in the door. So I asked him what was wrong. He kept saying it was nothing and it wasnt important.

    Finally he told me that his work is expressing concern about our home situation. This was the 3rd ER visit in as many weeks. The 1st was for me when my leg weakness and numbness on my right side occurred. The 2nd was when I had a severe bladder infection. And the 3rd was today for my toddler's arm.

    My husband is in the Air Force and until recently we were stationed in Germany. But as my medical problems kept multiplying, the military finally told us that we needed to be stationed in the US again. We were given orders to move to Little Rock Air Force Base in Arkansas.

    We arrived here at the end of February. Since we got here my medical problems have continued to multiply, including my currently needing a wheelchair.

    Today it was brought up that there were concerns with me parenting our 3 young children from a wheelchair. They also questioned my ability to parent while I take Percocet every day. (I have been taking this for over a year and it doesnt even make me drowsy or have any side effects anymore.)

    They suggested that I should have a psychological evaluatioin done to be sure that I am being honest and to make sure that I am not having emotional or mental problems instead of actual medical problems.

    The worst part was that instead of standing behind me on these issues my husband actually said that I should get the evaluation done to prove my situation.

    This hurts me more than it would if he was cheating on me!!!!!
  2. pika

    pika New Member

    (hugs)

    i understand why you feel so let down. by saying you should get the eval done to prove your situation, are you sure he meant that you need to prove it to him? i'm sure he sees it and can believe it...

    i'd say that you talk first to your doctor and see what he suggests, also make sure that your medical information is complete as to how your illness has progressively worsened.

    i have a feeling that your hubby just got caught by co-workers who don't understand your illness and because of that ignorance, they are pressuring him for proof.

    i think your medical doctor should have the say on what's needed here, what's not...and why.

    whatever happens, don't let it stress you. an eval is just that. we shouldn't have to *prove* our conditions, but then, you're dealing with the military and i don't know much about that.
  3. LeightonLAM

    LeightonLAM New Member

    That is one part of this that really bothers me. I told my husband that I have medical records to back everything up and he still said that he thought I should be evaluated.

    Some of the things he said made me feel that he doubts my ability and my honesty.

    I just cant believe that he questioned my ability to be a mother while I am in a wheelchair. It hurts so much. I know I have been doing fine as a mother.

    The accident that happened with my son could have happened to anyone. And the only other injury that any of our children have ever had was when my husband was playing with our oldest when he was about 2 years old (he is almost 4 now) and my son ran into the wall and had to get several stitches on his forhead.

    I can still spend time with my kids, make their meals, change diapers and clothing, fill sippy cups, pick up toys, put on a movie. All the stuff I did before. In fact the wheelchair has made me more mobile than with out it. I can do more because i dont have to use my legs which always hurt so much that i dont even want to get off the couch.
  4. Engel

    Engel New Member

    I hope the little one is ok. I don't want to frighten you but a couple of weeks ago a child died (in our city) from same situation. I think your husband needs to go get some molly fasteners and wire and rig all the furniture to the walls to prevent this from happening again. I am very serious dear. These little ones love to climb.

    Now ... (((((((( hugs )))))))) for you. I understand why you are hurt by his "attitude". I would be too!!!

    As for the trips to the ER ... well you just said what each one was. Only one had to do with a child. And as I told you ... that is not an uncommon thing ... but your husband needs to get his butt in gear and childproof. If "they" are so concerned about your maternal abilities why don't "they" offer you some child care assistance so you can get some rest?

    I am going through a really bad UTI myself and I have taken myself several times to the ER for chest pain. Geesh. Stuff happens.

    I JUST LOVE THE "THEYS" IN THIS WORLD ... "THEY" ALWAYS KNOW BEST ... WELL "THEY" DO NOT HAVE THIS FMS. If "they" want to run their mouths then "they" should shut up and try to help you not judge you ;-)
  5. pika

    pika New Member

    honey, i'm here to tell you, my hat's off to anyone who can take care of three kids, even if that someone were healthy! that you do that AND have medical issues makes me even more proud of you!

    i know it hurts you. has he always been doubtful or just recently? you know, the "doubters" can *seem* pretty convincing when trying to invalidate FM.

    i get SO angry at what so many of us have to go through while the medical community has played tiddly-winks instead of researching these diseases for so long!

    still, i say talk to your doctor. insist that he/she be consulted and/or included in this eval. or call a disability lawyer and see what they recommend?
  6. LeightonLAM

    LeightonLAM New Member

    My husband and I just had a discussion about my mental state of mind and my ability to be a parent in a wheelchair.

    He still fully believes that I need to have an evaluation, now I am discovering that he is as interested in the results as everyone else.

    As far as childproofing, we just moved in and have been slowly getting everything as childproof as possible. Normally the kids dont even have bookcases in their bedrooms because i am so paranoid about them getting hurt.

    I have used the same argument that if someone thinks I am too sick to parent then they should help pay for daycare. Of course it doesn't work.

    Some of the things my husband said tonight go much further than just wanting an evaluation to prove that everything is medical and not mental. He said that with so many medical problems that I must have emotional needs to address. He wants me to go and see a psychologist on a regular basis. He thinks that I need to. He said he wont make me go, but I am not sure if he means that or not.

  7. joeb7th

    joeb7th New Member

    You are not crazy, your husband is too young and unwise to tell the difference between fateful bad health and sometimes more visits to a hospital than normal.

    Never, ever take on any doubt about your sanity. We can all tell just by the coherency of your well written post, that you are all there...in spades. Probably smarter than your husband in the emotional quotient.

    Your husband needs some counseling to bring this truth to his thinking. You love your son so much. If he doubts this or your sanity in anyway, stand up right now to defend this love and normalcy in you.

    I hope he comes around. He is young and even my 52 year old wife has had many moments of doubt about me and my shattered condition and our new finaincial devastation. Who wouldn't.

    So I can understand his exhaustion and doubts to a point too.


    But you are mentally all there, never doubt that. Life has given you a bad break recently, thats all.

    I sure wish you and your family all the shining and warm understanding that prayers may bring you. Good luck.
  8. Crispangel66

    Crispangel66 New Member

    But my hubby relized that I wasn't the problem that it was him because his attitude was not only affecting my but also our son and other family member then also wait staff at motel's and restarants. Also people at work the children on the bus just anyone he had to deal with. The my Dr. suggested that he needed an antiphycotic. He is a totally different man. I thank God and the dr bevause I have been very sick and before he ated taking me to the E.R. he took me with out saying one harsh word. He has been pushing me in my wheelchair. I vommitted for about 7 days. I was dehydrated and had kidney stones plus my Pancreas was irritated. Well I am getting tired and need to go Pam Crispangell
  9. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I'm sorry I don't have much to offer you in the way of advice, but I'm in Stuttgart Germany and I do understand how difficult it can be to get the proper medical care here that you need.

    For me, I mostly ignore the docs as long as they fill my prescriptions. My good doc of 4 years left recently and I'm now stuck with whoever's left. For now, I'm refusing to go back to the states because from the threads here, it's just as difficult to find good medical care there as it is here.

    My hubby is retired Navy and now a GS...

    Have you tried the Family Service Center in your new base to see what kind of help they can offer you? Checked at the daycare center to see if they have any programs that might offer free or reduced care for the kids part time? Any of us could use a break sometimes.

    As for the evaluation, I'd go ahead and take it. You're not nuts, we know this, now show them. Download all the important information regarding your individual illnesses and take it with you. Show hubby too while you're at it.

    If you have to, film yourself taking care of the kids. Show yourself making lunch, gathering toys or doing laundry.

    You can explain your difficulties as well as prove your abilities at the same time.

    Did your hubby have to accept a compassionate reassignment with a different job? Maybe he's just under a great deal of stress at the moment. Still doesn't explain why he's acting this way, but just a thought....

    Hugs,

    Nancy B
  10. LeightonLAM

    LeightonLAM New Member

    We were reassigned under the EFMP program. The Family Support Center has helped us where they can. They have helped us sign up for "childcare for PCS" so we get 20 hours of free daycare for each of our kids. They also have the "parents night out" but at this base its only for kids over 5 years old. My kids are 3, 2, and 1.

    I wasnt in a wheelchair when we lived in germany which is a good thing. Even downtown K-Town wasnt handicap accessable. They do try but with the cobblestone streets and such, it is almost impossible.

    As far as the wheelchair goes, this is a new thing. I have been experiencing extreme weakness in my legs, and numbness in my feet and hands. About 2 weeks ago it got bad enough that i couldnt walk anymore. So the doctor sent me home with a wheelchair.

    Surprisingly the wheelchair doesnt depress me or frustrate me. The only thing it has limited for me is being able to reach things up high. I still do everything else. And I have more energy and less pain because walking and sitting and standing took all my energy before. I have been doing more now and taking less pain pills. I was taking 2 percocet every 4 hours around the clock. Today i took 3 pills total. 1 when i got up, 1 at 4:30pm and 1 about and hour and a half ago.
  11. skikat

    skikat New Member

    I HAVE ALREADY RESPONDED TO THIS POST ONCE BUT I FEEL THE NEED TO AGAIN REGARDING THE PERCOCET. I AM ON MORPHINE 6 YEARSNOOW AND THE REST OF MYMEDS LONGER EXCEPT FOR THE LYRICA. I AM ALSO ON ROBAXIN 1400 MGS. LYRICA 100 MG.S AND PERCOCET, DONT KNOW THE DOSAGE. AMONG MANY OTHER MEDS INCLUDING THE LYRICA. I HAVE HAD THIS FOR OVR 40 YEARS NOW AND ABOUT 3 YEARS AGO I STARTED GETTING WORSE. NOW IN THE LAST 4 MONTHS I AM MUCH WORSE, THEY JUST DID A BONE SCAN ON ME FOR PADGETS DISEASE AND CANCER. BOTH CAME BACK NORMAL. BUT THE PAIN IS SO UNBEARABLE FOR ABOUT 2 HOURS A DAY THAT I AM LITERALLY SCREAMING AND MOANING AND ROLLING AROUND WILDLY. NIGHT BEFORE LAST IN ONE OF THESE FLARES I EVEN TORE THE OUTSIDE OF MY TOOTH ENAMEL AWAY FROM A FILLING. HAD TO SEE A DENTIST TODAY.NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS WRONG. DR. JUST SAYS IT IS THE FIBRO GETTING WORSE. BUT SO FAST??? I AM OVER 40 YEARS WITH THIS PAIN BUT THIS IS SO EXTREME THAT I HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE THREAD TO SEE IF ANYONE ELSE HAS THESE ATTACKS WHERE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU AARE BEING EATEN BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOURSELF OR NOT. MY POOR HUSBAND DOES EVERYTHING HE CAN FOR ME . JUST LIKE A NURSE. BUT HE GETS SO NERVOUS WHEN HE CANT GET IT TO STOP. PLEASE, IF ANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PRAYER, PRAY FOR US BOTH. HUGS TO ALL....SKI
  12. skikat

    skikat New Member

    i am sorry but have to post again on this. forgot to tell you that my dr. said that i could take up to 3 percocets when i have these attacks (see above thread (posts) i have been up too long. but it scared me to death. however i take them maybe just this once a day when this happens....ski
  13. lil_angel1198

    lil_angel1198 New Member

    none of them are unfit to parent.

    I'm wondering if your husband is not so much worried that you're crazy, but more that he's worried that with the disability and 3 small kids, that maybe you need someone to talk to.
    Also, you are on a new base, and I assume that you haven't made many friends yet, since you haven't been there long. You have this stupid FM to deal with, and taking care of the kids.
    He could be worried that you aren't getting to get some 'you' time, you need someone you can vent to, talk to that you can trust, and get advice from when you need it.
    He's at work and knows he can't always be around for you when you need him.

    I know how hard it is to be a stay at home mom. I have 5 kids, 3 live with us all of the time, the other 2 as often as we can have them.
    Sometimes I need someone to talk to that isn't under the age of 18! LOL
  14. kfran

    kfran New Member

    You are doing a great job. I am a military wife and have 3 sons. One of them is special needs and we are on the EFMP program. Their ages are 18, 17 and 14. We have seen our share of ER visits over the years and it just is part of life (and boys :) ). I just recently started with the more severe pain of FM and am figuring out more about it. I commend you for all you are able to do. Sometimes just the military lifestyle is a stressor itself.
    I would have the evaluation just to prove everyone wrong. Make sure you are ready for it and don't let them get to you or make you nervous. I wish you the best. I am here if you ever need to talk.
    Kim
  15. LeightonLAM

    LeightonLAM New Member

    Breaks from the kids really dont exist for me. Either I am home with the kids or my husband and I are with the kids.

    When we got to this base in February, my father-in-law took the kids home with him for almost 3 weeks while we got my medical stuff taken care of. That was the first time I have ever been without any of my kids overnight.

    In the past we have used a "babysitter" less than 10 times total. When I was having preterm labor with my 2nd child, a friend watched our son for a few hours a couple of times.

    My husband and I have not been to a movie since the last Lord of the Rings was in theatres.

    I would love a break but it doesnt look promising.

    PAIN MEDS

    for the percocet I take the lower dose right now, and I take 2 at a time. I have also been told I can take 3 if needed. And have also been prescribed the higher dose which is double the narcotic with less tylenol making it safe to take more.

    The percocet doesnt make me drowsy anymore. But today I have an appointment with the pain clinic for the first time and I am kinda worried about what they will recommend for treatment.
  16. deliarose

    deliarose New Member

    This is a complicated situation on many levels, but I think you probably need back-up in the form of some CFS advocates who may be able to advise you on how to negotiate this rough patch.

    You've got a lot on your plate, you're up against a bureaucracy with a lot of resources, and one that has a great deal of leverage since it is also your husband's employer and therefore ultimately controls the purse strings.

    You need to reach out for help, to people who can tell you what your rights are in this situation, and how to go about defending them.

    I'm not sure who would fit the bill, but check out this organisation in New York (see link below). The folks there may be able to help or they have resources they can direct you to.

    http://albanyhealthmanagement.com/fennell/about.html

    It's a shame your husband is not handling this better. Clearly, he is under pressure, but sounds like he just rolled over when they leaned on him instead of standing his ground or playing for time, and trying to figure out ways to help you and improve the situation.

    Have u considered couples' therapy? he may have some unresolved resentmetn issues he needs to work thru (don't we all?)

    A chronic illness takes a toll on a relationship and most of us who are going thru it could probably use the help of a counsellor so I'm not just making a cheap shot there.

    Myself included.

    Anyway, my point is, you could muddle through this on your own, but your situation is probably not that unique in many respects, and there are surely professionals who have seen it all and can save you time and angst.

    Hopefully insurance will cover, but if not check out what you can get for free.

    Good luck and don't face this alone.
    Delia
  17. deliarose

    deliarose New Member

    I don't want to appear flippant, but I know my husband thinks I am crazy.

    But I ignore him and anyone else who has a hard time with understanding what's going on with me.

    I always knew that my biggest vindication would be getting well, and I am getting well. Now, they can just go screw themselves.

    When you've been ill for a number of years, esp. with a poorly understood condition, you become v. vulnerable, you develop a bit of a victim complex, and it's really hard to stand up for yourself when you are feeling like that.

    That's why you need advocates who can respect and validate what you are experiencing and make sure you don't sell yrsfl short.

    This is your LIFE, and these are your KIDS. Take back the initiative. Seize the day. Don't be run over by a military machine.

    delia

  18. deliarose

    deliarose New Member

    I think there is probably a book to be written about how CFS puts relationships to the test, and how many women with CFS find out their other halfs do not have what it takes to step up.

    Delia
  19. LeftCoast

    LeftCoast New Member

    You're not crazy but the unfortunate thing about this illness is everyone thinks you are. As if anyone would be faking this crazy condition where you can't get around or do any of the things you did in your prior life (before illness).

    I went through a similar situation a couple of years ago. My insurance company sent me for a mental evaluation. I'm pretty sure it is standard. I was pretty down at the time because of the lack of support from friends and family and my husband. I went with a happy face and did the two hour evaluation. I'm glad I did now because it gave me a chance to express myself to the psychiatrist and be listened to. He also confirmed that I wasn't suffering from a mental illness and that in fact I did have CFIDS.

    My husband and I went through a horrible period and this continued on and on until I told him that I couldn't take his verbal abuse ans sh** and to get out because I was getting sicker and it was really hurting our kids. He went for some personal counselling instead and things have improved steadily since then. Obviously the counselling wasn't just about me or us but it helped him to see life differently which in turn has improved our relationship greatly.

    Now he is my strongest supporter. I have given up on most of my friendships because of lack of support/belief. No one came to visit when I was at my sickest. They still don't but it is okay because those relationships took too much from me and left me with little.

    I know this is getting kind of long winded. I tend to be like that. LOL. I really wanted to tell you though that in reading your posts, I found you to be an inspiration. You are managing three kids under three. That in itself is a very huge challenge that many able bodied people couldn't cope with. You are a military wife and moving is one of the most stressful things you can do. Also just the fact that you reconcilled to use a wheelchair is positive. A lot of us would stay in bed or on the couch because of our pride. You sound very positive about it and I'm glad it is working for you.

    I was really angry and resentful about the psychiatrist thing and proving myself but glad I didn't have a choice because I probably wouldn't have gone if I did. All I can say is that you will have you're dignity and you can quietly laugh at all the non-believers and maybe as a bonus the military will provide you with some kind of help. Good luck and know that we are here to talk and listen.
  20. vafmschick

    vafmschick New Member

    I understand your situation. In fact, my husband is in the Air Force, too, and we are on EFMP because of me and my multitude of health issues.

    It is a long story but my husband does believe most of my health issues...at least so far. If he started to question them as your husband has, I would not know what to do. That is really tough.

    I feel for you since I know that doctors in the military system are not always the best. I happen to be lucky and be in an area of the US where the military doctors are top notch. I can't imagine how you must feel having these people suggest a psychological evaluation. I would be so angry!

    It makes you want to have them live in your body for a month and experience the daily pain, brain fog, digestive issues, and other syptoms too lengthy to list. But they want to send everyone to a psychiatrist.

    I have had that suggestion made to me several times, but not yet by the military docs. I am sorry that is happening to you. :(