My Husband Thinks My Stressful Situation Makes My Fibro

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by TxSongBird, May 14, 2006.

  1. TxSongBird

    TxSongBird New Member

    flare and that I have been so sick lately due to the problems with my elderly Mother. I am beginning to think that her behavior is causing me to have worse pain after I have been with her for hours. I wondered what everyone else thought on this issue.

  2. Lunatic2

    Lunatic2 New Member

    is a major cause of flare ups. Even if you didn't have any medical problems, stress will give you one.
    You need to take care of you first, then help your Mom.
    it's not selfish, its the only way.
    (maybe you can take short "breaks" in those hours to "rest" yourself)
    Sounds like you are doing too much.
  3. TxSongBird

    TxSongBird New Member

    I have no choice but to drive her to her Dr.'s appointments in Dallas. I am taking off from work at 11:30 a.m. to take her to her eye Dr. appointment about an hour away and then she wants to go eat late lunch so that puts me back here at 5:00 p.m., just in time to pick up the doggie from the vet and drive another 35 minutes home. I have no one else that will do these tasks for me so I am the sole caregiver. My Mom is healthy as an ox, but will not drive outside of the town she lives in and therefore I am the one who takes her to the Dr.'s appointments, funerals and so on. My relationship with my Mother isn't the greatest as she has always belittled me in public even at age 48 she tells people in a room we don't know that I am fat and bloated. I have had the talk with her about how that is hurtful and unncessary, but she doesn't seem to hear me and will continue to act that way.

    I know she is probably considered toxic, but she is my Mother and I can't see myself just shoving her aside, because the guilt would kill me.

  4. yamona

    yamona New Member

    Stress makes fm flare up and hurt mucccccccch! Nobody can live in a stress free environment that I know of. I am in a stressful job and everyday I am so painful that I want to scream and I do a whole lot.
  5. suzette1954

    suzette1954 New Member

    anything that is stressful now will put me into a major flare. Im guessing you live in Texas by your name. I live in Nashville TN and they have shuttle busses here to take the elderly or disabled where they need to go . You need to check into what is available in her town. The local churches and groups have volunteers to do what you do. Then you can wait until you are having a good day and go see her when you wont be where she can embarrass you.

    That will take away some of the power she has over you and will keep some of the stress (which is making you very ill)
    There are also groups that will take her a hot lunch if she says she cant drive. You have to stop this now while you can. God bless you. You are a good daughter but your health must come first right now. Please listen to us.

  6. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Sorry, but CFS/FM doesn't care why we're overdoing, just that we are.

    I don't know what your mother's financial situation or yours is but there are people/agencies you can hire to do some of these things for her even in small towns. I know you feel guilty but please consider it. Believe me, you won't be able to keep up the pace so you'll have to find someone to help eventually and by then you'll be even more sick and will be able to do even less.

    PS. We seem to forget how to put ourselves first and, in your situation with your mother, I'll bet you never have. She manipulates you and you've tried to win her approval at the cost of your health. Your efforts give you a reason to feel worthy in spite of her horrible treatment of you. It's a cycle. You must end it.

    [This Message was Edited on 05/15/2006]
  7. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    You can either take charge of your situation and put yourself first and take care of your health. Or your body will force you to put yourself first and take care of your health.

    I am convinced that my health problems began during a time that my mother was ill and I left my husband and home to go and take care of her. I gave so much of myself, but it was never enough. When I became ill my mother never believed that I was really sick. She would say things like "Oh that happens to me, too" and then turn the conversation to her situation. I always felt worse after a telephone conversation with her. My mother passed away 6 years ago. I can see now that she was only part of the problem. I was always seeking her approval. But, she was so unhappy with her own life that I could never have made things better for her.

    Anyway, I'm sorry..I didn't mean to get into my stuff. But, I can see how our relationships can cause us so much terrible stress. And that kind of stress definitely affects our health.

    From what you say, I can see that you love your mother, but it sounds like she is and has been depending on you for many things that you are no longer able to do.

    Even though your mother is elderly it sounds like she is able to do more than you can right now. Step back and look at the situation honestly. Are there some things that you can change? Some of the other posts here offer good advice. Take care of yourself first.


  8. TxSongBird

    TxSongBird New Member

    My Mother is so stubborn when it comes to doing things. She still drives, but will not drive on the interstate. Her Dr. is all the way deep into Dallas and she won't drive herself. There are no shuttle buses from town to Dallas, so that is out of the question. My Mother is healthy as an ox at 78 years of age. She is controlling, mean spirited and very rude to people. I am doing this last Dr. visit drive and then someone else is going to have to take over for awhile as I am too stressed out and hurting too bad to deal with her. She made an ass out of herself at her grandson's 30th suprise Birthday party Saturday night and I still can't get that out of my mind.

  9. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    .... to step back and review the situation. And let go of your resentment. It's only hurting you.

    I'm glad you're going to let someone else take over for awhile. What would happen if you told her she had to find someone else for a month? She sounds like a very strong woman regardless of her age. I bet she'd do it.

    Meanwhile, I can sense that you're not ready to give up this "fight". Think about what it's getting you.

  10. TxSongBird

    TxSongBird New Member

    I am just tired of being the one who is the punching bag (not literally), but the one that is suppose to fix all her problems and make everyone perfect. I am very firm with her when she gets out of hand, but she doesn't hear me and just continues on with her rants and acts like I am not even there. Her friends have basically abandonded her due to her behavior in public. How can you tell your Mother that you are done with her and that you can't handle her toxic personality? How do you get through the guilt of saying this to someone who gave birth to you and raised you?

  11. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Hello TXsongbird

    If you continue to let her make you feel as you do then her abusive behavior will continue with you! as long as you let it! Mom or not!!...........Take a stand and take care of yourself first!! only live once why let someone eles make your life miserable!!
    This is just my opinion!........but i have had to take this stand many times in my life with different people and believe it or not it works!!..............................................You are are #1 when it comes to your health and happiness! maybe she will have to find a different dr. closer to home! Don't mean to sound opinionated but please just try to put yourself first and see what happens!!

    I strongly believe in the moto " treat me as you would want to be treated" Goodluck!! sisland
  12. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    TxSongBird ,I am so sorry you have been dealing with this.Stress we see is only part of the problem ,its the things that we dont even relize is stressful.Like a long Drive into a big city and dealing with an unpleasent Mother.
    I do not mean to add to your problems but has your mother been checked for Alezhemier? My experence from three grandparents that had Alezhemier's was they did become very rude and overbareing in a public setting.
    I realize your mother may have always been this way but you should have her checked .In someways it could help you with how you deal with her.You also may be able to get help thu the Alezhemer's Association.I do not wish this on anyone but knowing it early helped my family to deal with things easier.Just a thought after reading your post let me know if it helps.good luck
  13. STRESS does make fibro WORSE! Try to relax as much as you can by reading, doing a puzzle, etc.
  14. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    You deserve to be treated with respect. I strongly suggest you think about seeing a therapist to help you deal with this before it is too late and you have a complete breakdown. It can happen...

    Dealing with an abusive parent and the caregiver issues is bigger than we can handle alone.

    I know this from personal experience.

    There are sooo many dynamics going on when it is your mother. Many times how she treats you is from her own childhood problems.

    I allowed my mother to drain me dry and am now paying the price, there are always alternatives you just need a professional to help you.

    I guess you might guess I am in therapy, I wish I went long ago, it really does help.

    You need to take care of yourself because your mother is not going to care about your illness, to her she sees her needs coming I right?

    For transportation to doctor appts they have shuttle services for seniors, also she could call a taxi.

    If you are sick you may not feel like going to lunch.

    I have a narcisstic mother. She always was concerned about herself only. At age 90 nothing has changed.

    Hope you feel better.
  15. TxSongBird

    TxSongBird New Member

    My Mother has been checked out by a Dr. recently and she is healthy and has no medical problems. Her eye Dr. appointment was fine, she was saying she couldn't see, but the Dr. said that she did perfect on the eye test with her glasses and her eye pressures were normal. I took her right home and told her I needed to leave and go home to rest. She was getting bitter and angry about other family members so I just squashed that. I appreciate all your comments and thoughts on this situation.

  16. Strawberry94

    Strawberry94 New Member

    I thought this too about my mentally and physically disabled Dad, it is so hard to see someone you care about so much so helpless and suffering.

    However he has passed on now three years and I am yet struggling with CFS. I certainly think the stress of a disabled relative has an effect but not sure how much was the stress of the situation and how much was going to happen anyway and that the CFS just made a hard situation that much worse. I had been getting progressively worse for years before I became responsible for my Dad.

    Thank God for assisted living, the wonderful nurses and my husband. I collapsed. They helped me when I could not go on. I will never be able to say what that means to me so I won't try.

    [This Message was Edited on 05/15/2006]
  17. kriket

    kriket New Member

    Stress is a HUGE factor in this illnes. You have probably already noticed a pain change when you were hit by more stress than usual.

  18. onlythestrong

    onlythestrong New Member

    You know stress is one of the worst things to put me in a flare-up and the really sad thing is I'm a very high strung person and if I get upset I know I will be sorry for it.
    But it's very easy to say don't get stressed.
    Good luck and you know your husband sound just like mine,LOL!
  19. TxSongBird

    TxSongBird New Member

    Mary I am a very high strung person also and yes I know that stress does send me over the edge at times. I have made a pact with myself that I will limit my exposure to my Mother so I can get needed rest and time away from her negative, toxic topics of conversation. I spoke with my nephew (her oldest Grandson) about her behavior at his suprise birthday party last Saturday and he said he is not talking to her right now because she caused such a scene there and she did not call him on his real Birthday which was Monday and wish him a Happy Birthday. He and I were talking about this issue and we both know that if the day is not about her, then she will ruin it for everyone.

  20. onlythestrong

    onlythestrong New Member

    It's funny(read my profile)only my mom died when I was 11 but I have a mother in law who sounds like your mom but you know sweety this is YOUR health (talk about the pot calling the kettle)you have to take care of you and if mom is stressing you then maybe a little distance from her will show her and maybe she will lay off a little.
    Good luck if you need to vent get ahold of me,I understand!