My husband wanted me to go away....

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by blondieangel, Apr 8, 2003.

  1. blondieangel

    blondieangel New Member

    My illness is driving him nuts! I made plans to go visit my sister, which is a 2 1/2 hour drive, (with no heavy traffic). I wanted to go...she had twins over a year ago and I have not seen them since they were born. I was supposed to leave last Friday...but just got so overwhelmed trying to pack, (what to bring? what to wear? I can't wear 'normal' clothes, a bra, heels, what will old friends think of the terrible way I look!) I broke down trembling at the thought of driving all that way alone! So Sat. I said I'd go. I got up...was my usual exhausted self, and decided not to shower because it would use all my energy up. So, I packed. Then I laid down at 11 am and slept till 4 pm! I said I'd leave Sunday...I never went....my sister says she 'has plans' next weekend, so if i feel up to it (driving, etc) - too bad I guess!

    My husband and I talked last night. He cried, I cried. It was so hard for me to sit there and listen to him complain about how bad his life is because of this disease...I kept wanting to say "how do you think I feel??? What about ME!!??" But I let him talk and talk, and did not take it personally, did not get defensive, and empathized with him. Well, today he is so sweet...telling me not to do this and that, and that he'll take me to the market tonight (and he is working 6 - 6 today!)He just needed to vent his frustration...and I actually COULD understand because I cared for my deteriorating Mother the first 8 years of our marriage...it was 6 months after that when I was rear-ended, causing me to miscarry our first child, and FM/CMP.

    The only problem with this story is that there is no one for me to turn to! 'Cept you guy's on this board! Sad, huh?

    I am so exhausted, in so much pain and yet press on every day...~B~
  2. bejo

    bejo New Member

    I understand about only having places like this to turn to.No matter how hard someone tries,there just isn't any way for someone without fibro to know what it really feels like.Thankfully we're all here for each other.That helps me just to be able to say how I feel and have people understand.(((())))) bejo
  3. Sandyz

    Sandyz New Member

    I totally understand how you feel. I`ve been going to go up to see my mother since January and I still haven`t made up because I`ve been feeling so exhausted. It overwhelmes me just thinking about the two hour drive and visiting with everybody. I want to go this week because the weather is so nice but I don`t know if I`m going to make it.
    I really think this illness is up at the top as far as being so very, very hard to live with of any illness out there. We are all so strong to go through this day after day.

    Take care!


  4. SPIRITANGEL

    SPIRITANGEL New Member


    I know how you feel about the traveling part. I am a single
    parent of 3 girls. Every time I visit my family in Texas
    it is extrememly stressful for me. I haven't been in 3 years! I want to see my family, but I just don't want to
    leave home!! I hope that you get to make your trip. Don't
    know if I will get up the nerve to make mine or not!!!
    Robin
  5. blondieangel

    blondieangel New Member

    I have a link to that site on my Group...just check my bio!

    I have read that several times and it pisses me off just as much that no one gives my husband any emotional support!

    But to have him constantly directing his anger at me and wanting me to leave home for a week, and then getting pissed when I couldn't is a bit hard to take! He even admitted that he can't stand it when I'm constantly rubbing lotion on my back...my point was...who do I turn too? He doesn't want to hear it....my Mother is dead, my sisters don't wanna hear it, don't help, actually are verbally abusive, my in-laws are about as warm and fuzzy as a porcupine, my 'friends' are gone, as is my Father! I've been 'strong' all my life...prior to my car accident and our move, I helped my husband through a seizure and nervous breakdown...HELLO??? Can I have a LITTLE compassion/help here?

    I'll get out when I'm up to it...I've just been in a severe never-ending flare and it's getting on both our nerves! That's why I come here..people understand me!
    Love,
    ~B~


  6. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I can't recommend family counseling highly enough. Most of us just keep things inside and then, when the dam bursts, it all spews forth. Unfortunately, this keeps happening unless there is a therapist or counselor to help. We all need to learn the communication and coping skills to handle our, and our loved ones', illnesses.

    Love, Mikie
  7. blondieangel

    blondieangel New Member

    chronic illness is a family problem...but a lot of people choose to ignore it..sad huh?

    My husband and I are the best of friends and are like 2 peas in a pod - SUPER close! It's just that 'guy' thing..they want to 'fix' things...and I can't be 'fixed' so he gets angry and frustrated! can't say I blame him!;-)
    xoxo
  8. catgal

    catgal New Member

    Hi ~B~....Your post touched my heart because it echos a theme that is way too prevelent for many of us, and that is that this can be a very lonely illness not only for us as sufferers, but for those who suffer with us. And they generally suffer from three varying attitudes: 1. They are supportive, compassionate, and it hurts them to see us suffer in all the ways that we do, and it is a very lonely and helpless feeling not to be able to do anything about it when you love someone; 2. Some feel alone & caught-up in the confusing feelings of being loving & supportive for a while--then fed-up, angry, distant, & longing for the person they used to know--then MIStakingly taking their frustrations out on us--and then feeling ashamed & guilty, mean & small, and disappointed in themselves for blaming us when they know it isn't our fault, knowing we need their care & support--and instead they hurt the one they love; 3. Some just don't possess the qualities to cope, understand, support or put-up with another person's chronic illness that they feel is ruining "their" lives, and then they become abusive in some form, emotionally unavailable, abandoning, and just want out, or try and make you leave them so they don't look like the "bad guy".

    For us, it is a constant series of griefs & losses, mixed messages, tremendous frustrations, hurt, anger, suffering, abandonments, depression, isolation, uncertainty, daily suffering, and an overwhelming endless list of various torments.

    On one hand, we are told to "talk about how we feel" to "communicate what is going on with us".....yet our same worn stories grow old quickly, and people soon turn a deaf ear to us and don't want to hear about it anymore. Many of us end up abandoned by friends, family, mates, and the people whom we believed are supposed to love us. And we find ourselves alone, lonely, and emotionally starved.

    I am amazed at your strength, courage, and caring to sit quietly and listen to your husband ventilate, to empathize with him, and give what you needed to get when you were feeling so hurt. You must be a very wise woman because it is obvious by his sweet attitude the next day that he felt like you "heard" him. Which is something we all need.

    But, it's heartbreaking to know that your mate wants you to leave for a while, or that he can't even stand to watch you rub lotion on your back--perhaps because he feels you are indulging in your illness and pampering your disease instead of Snapping Out Of It!

    Yet, anyone who has ever taken care of someone who is chronically or terminally ill knows that you've got to have a break from it every once in a while. For their illness, and your constant care-taking of them consumes you. And you need some relief from it. You need to regain some semblance of what it feels like to live a normal life.

    This is a very easy disease to resent, and too often others do not separate us from our disease, and we wind up being resented right along with it. Because to those close to us--who live with us day-in and day-out....it appears to them that their lives and everything about our lives together is dominated by our illness. For our disease determines what we'll do and what we won't do on any given day; how we feel and how we don't; what we can and what we can't do....and our partners wind up feeling as though they, too, are at the beck & call of our disease. We can't make plans too far ahead because we never know how we're going to be feeling--so unless our mates want to go on alone--they end up as stuck as we are, and they begin to feel like an extension of our illness. They start to feel they are playing second fiddle to our disease--yet they are still healthy, relatively young, have energy, want to go & do, have a good time, participate in life, and feel like they are living their lives....but wind up feeling controlled and debilitated by a sickness they don't even have.

    I can see and feel the heartache and loss on both sides. For many years ago, I was married to a man who was a severe insulin diabetic and very chronically ill. And I came to feel the things I described above. And now the shoe is on the other foot for as I have grown older, my FM/CFS and other medical problems have left me very debilitated.

    Yet sometimes I think if my man had to live in my body for just one month--he'd have a whole new perspective on my illness, and a whole new respect for what I endure every day. But then I turn it around and think.....what if I were him--look how many times I have disappointed him by cancelling plans at the last minute that he was looking forward to because I felt awful. He cannot rely on my memory to remember things; he can't depend on me to get things done; he lives like a monk most of the month--12 months out of the year; he doesn't know from day to day when he comes home from work if I'm going to be happy, feeling good, and have dinner on the table--or if I'm going to feel sick, be bedridden, and he has to dig around for his own dinner; he can't make plans for us in advance; he can't buy the motorcycle he's always wanted because my monthly medical expenses devour our income; and bit by bit he has watched the passionate, vital, smiling, happy, fun-to-be-with woman that he knew fade from view, and in her place is a woman neither of us recognizes; I see him living his life around my illness, and I realize that he suffers as much from this disease in his own way as I do in mine.

    And sometimes the overall heartache and stress gets too tense, and we both need a break from what this illness is doing/has done to both of us....to our lives together and individually.

    But, I have learned a few things that have helped to lessen the heartache and stress between us caused by this disease. I go and do with him as often as I can unless it is one of those days I'm in excruiating pain or completely exhausted; I do all my caretaking in the bathroom; I keep all my meds in a bag out of sight and do not take them in front of him; I cry in the shower, when I'm alone, or after he's gone to sleep; I don't complain nor talk about my aches & pains; I don't elaborate on my doctor's appointments; I work at keeping my appearance up even when I'm home, down sick, or bedridden and could care less; my sleepwear is pretty, comfortable, feminine, and attractive; I also work three days a week, and this gives him an opportunity to see me dressed-up, fixed-up, and hopefully looking good; I let him know how much I appreciate it when he does things for me; I don't bitch at him about the things he doesn't do--because there's alot of things I don't or can't do anymore, and I work at keeping my attitude up and my conversation positive. I write all the crap in my journal--pages & pages & pages of all the ugly stuff, or come here to this wonderful Board, or pour it all out to one of my fellow therapist friends. And when I get fed-up with him or he gets fed-up with me....we take a break from each other--usually in the form of one of us arranging to go to a business conference for a couple of days.

    Sorry this is so long, but your post brought tears to my eyes because I knew exactly how you felt--and I wanted to share with you some things that have helped our relationship. However, never allow yourself to be "abused" in any form. Take care of yourself and I wish the Best for you and your husband. Blessings, Carol...
  9. blondieangel

    blondieangel New Member

    that was beautiful...*****awesome****
    and, oh, so true;-)thank you for validating me...
    I hope others will read what you wrote...for you are wise also and wrote wonderful advice for all of us on this board to read....


    my hands and fingers are so stiff and hurt so bad I can't write anymore...but I will remember you in my prayers...
    With Love:)blondieangel
  10. Smokeymar

    Smokeymar New Member

    Hi,
    Your post made me feel so bad for you!! I know it's tough on the spouses. I don't feel like I have to be so cheery around my husband. He sees what I go thru. We can't help the way we are. Don't people realize that we did not ask for this???
    I really admire you for being able to let him talk like he did. I'm afraid I would have beheaded him before he got very far. Sure it's changed their lifestyle. But, good grief, look what it's done for us!!!
    Complain all you want to us, we've all been there or will be there. Unless you have this disease, there's just no way to explain it to someone else. They just can't believe how bad it is some days.
    I have shoulders to cry on if you need them. Take care.
    Smokeymar
  11. Dayle

    Dayle New Member

    that your husband feels he can go to you when he's blue just like you go to him. There are few things we can feel greatful about as we suffer. This is one of them & good for you for not taking it personally. It sounds as if you have a very loving relationship. Sorry that you are feeling so exhasted that you can't visit your sister, I am doing so much better on guai, but just a few short months ago I would not have gone on any trip like that. Why bother when you know you're to sick after the effort to enjoy it,,, right??
    Just a suggestion, How about your husband leaving for a day or two to go fishing etc. He sounds like he needs a break & a change. And if you can get by without him you could use the time to pamper yourself too.
    My husband is so sweet to me,,last yr he spent every minute that he could with me because I was so very ill, he missed his fishing & hunting. But would not even consider going; now, he gets to go for a day or over a night or two & he comes home all refreshed & full of extra love & understanding for me.
    Everyone here is so right it is a family affair.
    LOL,,Day
  12. Susan07

    Susan07 New Member

    Please ask your families to come visit you, let them know you would rather have a visit from them rather that Christmas or birthday presents. Be sure to send them information on what this DD is all about so they will hopefully understand.

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